Far More Than Rubies

MY BLOG HAS MOVED/CHANGED!

2006-10-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

For those of you that did not read this, you may not know that my blog has moved and also changed! I have a new title, a new theme, a new everything!

So hop on over and check it out!

Something Beautiful

Something! Part II

2006-10-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

(Be sure to read to the very end of this blog!)

A few months ago I met Susie. Many of you have seen her incredible blog designs and have decided that you are not quite content with the boring templates offered by Blogger. Seeing her work got me thinking about my life, my blog and my purpose. Yes, all of that from just browsing Susie's work. My friends and family know that I am a gal that prays about everything! And I do mean everything! Well, as I began to see Susie's incredible blog designs, I began to pray about changing mine. Was it necessary? Was it worth spending money on? Should I just be content with the choices given by blogger or should I make a bold move? Since I was not sure, I prayed. I do consider my blog to be an online journal, a record of my spiritual journey but even more, a ministry. Every single day I have emails come to my inbox from women all over the world. The fact that women want to write me and share their own life, thrills me. I take it seriously and I praise God daily for the women in my life that have come through this thing I do called "blogging." So praying about changing my blog was big and for a while I wasn't sure if it was something I really needed to do.

Then back in August, the Lord began to really show me some new things He was doing in my life. I knew He was up to "something" but I wasn't sure what it was! There was something I experienced that ushered in this new "something" He was doing. It was like all of the sudden, my outlook changed, my desires changed and the way I looked at myself changed. Last year I experienced a lot of pain in relationships. I hurt in a way I had never hurt before. The intensity lasted much longer than I expected because I just wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with the pain. In many ways I did give it up to HIM. I prayed God would allow me to forgive and move on, I prayed that others would forgive me and I wept daily for several months. A lot of cleansing comes from crying! Every single day I would ask the Lord to reveal to me what I needed to do in order to find freedom. The pain I was carrying was toxic and it was preventing me from wanting to be intimate with everyone I knew. When I would try to make new friends, it never went well. So I continued praying for God to heal my heart. Finally somewhere along the way, I began to feel that the Holy Spirit was speaking to me about this pain. Over and over again, I heard in my spirit one particular thing. "I am doing something. Your time was not wasted. This pain is a part of my plan and something is going to come from this."

We all know that time is one of the greatest healers when it comes to pain. Time gives us clarity, time gives us strength and time allows us to see the TRUTH. We can't always see the TRUTH when we are in the midst of the pain so we have to wait for that precious gift called time. Time granted me peace in many ways and as that process took place, I began to hear God's voice on the situation again. In the book of Jeremiah, there is a scripture that I love. Jeremiah 33:3 Ask me and I will tell you some remarkable secrets about what is going to happen here. (NLT) And that's what He did! The Lord began to unveil a whole new thing in my life for my ministry, my marriage and my role as a mother. He whispered secrets in my ear! I realized that I was created for something pretty great, but I had not positioned myself for that to be revealed. I truly was missing out! I had to let him USE my pain for something! So I repositioned and the Lord revealed an amazing thing to me. He clearly showed me that all the pain from my childhood was being carried over into every other heartache I had ever had. Healing was a must, it had to take place! Otherwise, every single time I was hurt or experienced disappointment, I would go back to feeling like that unwanted little girl. There was a yoke that had to be broken! My time with the Lord became a time where I truly listened for His voice and by doing that, I discovered that all of the pain, everything on my own personal timeline was there for a a particular reason. It was being used for "something"!

During this reflective time, I continued to really pray about my blog, Far More Than Rubies. As I saw the beautiful blog templates Susie was creating, I began to see a theme in my own life. I had gotten use to my blog template, I did not want to change it. Far More Than Rubies was something the Lord gave me, I couldn't change it! Since I was a little girl, He has been showing me that my worth is far more than rubies. When people hurt and disappoint me, he continues to show me that my worth is far more than rubies. When I disappoint myself or replay old tapes in my head from long ago, the Holy Spirit always whispers "My child, you are worth far more than rubies." But I kept waking up in the middle of the night thinking about the new revelation God had given me. I kept thinking about my passion to lead women to Christ and to show them how to find true freedom from their past. I kept thinking that maybe God was doing something completely brand new. In fact, I knew He was. There were things I had talked about in Far More Than Rubies that I did not care to re-visit or or go back to. I started realizing that it was the first chapter to many more to come, it was time to move on. While I had gotten used to my boring blog template, I had also gotten used to all of the pain and dissapointment I had carried around for so long. God had clearly spoken to me about so many things in my life that He was changing and there was a common theme I couldn't shake. So I continued to pray that the Lord would give me a new chapter for my blog, with a new title to go along with it.

That's where sweet Susie comes in! We exchanged emails, she endured my two months or more of indecisiveness and then she created my new blog. I knew that the Lord was showing me so many new things that I had to change the title of my blog. But I kept going back and forth. At one point I said, "No, I am not changing it. I have not heard from the Lord yet. I guess I am supposed to leave the title and enjoy my gorgeous new template!" Finally I decided to leave it and just use the old blog for now. I knew Susie would help me when I was ready. After all, the new design was finished, it just needed a new title!

Finally, this Monday afternoon I was spending some time with the Lord and my new title hit me! It was "something" that came directly from the Lord and my time with Him. The amazing thing is, the title is EXACTLY what the Lord has been trying to show me for the past full year. First it was Him showing me that my WORTH is far more than rubies and now it was something new! God was showing me that I was created for something! So, here it is! My new blog site, my new chapter. I pray that you will be blessed as you read a brand new chapter of my journey. What is that something? Well, you will have to visit the new site to find out!

Click here to be taken to the new site!

Something!

2006-10-04T09:37:00.001-07:00

(For those of you that have me in your bloglines, thank you. But, I apologize to you for my post appearing so many times. Blogger is on the blink! Big shocker!)

We all do it, don't we? Some of us worry about bills, worry about our kids, worry about our husbands, worry about our health, worry about things that we cannot control. Then, we worry about how we look, what we said, what we did, what we are going to do. We constantly second guess ourselves as women! I know I am using the word WE a lot but it's true, WE ALL DO THIS! No one has a magic potion that keeps them free of worry or self doubt. There is no magic age we someday reach that completely frees us! That is why we can all learn from each other. I really frown upon comments like, "Well, I am much older than you." Or "When you get to be my age you will quit caring what everyone else thinks!" Bologna! Not possible! I do think as women get older, we understand who we are a little more. While I don't look down at someone being twenty-five years old, I do know that I have changed so much since that age. In fact, I wouldn't want to go back to that age for even a day. And women that are now thirty-five years old and past the age of thirty (I am thirty), probably have a much clearer picture of some things than I do. They are probably a tad more comfortable in their own skin at thirty-five then they were at thirty. That's the gift of age! But, it turns into bologna when someone thinks they will have it all together when they reach a certain age, especially when they try to portray that to everyone. We all have different timelines, different stories to tell, different journeys to travel, so that makes us ALL extremely valuable women.

Each of us lay our heads on different pillows each night. The pillow is truly what defines us. The pillow is where it all comes to surface. Whatever is bothering us, whatever we are worried about, whatever we are struggling with, whatever we are happy about, it all goes down on the pillow. When I see a beautiful woman, with her beautiful children, get into her beautiful SUV to drive home to her beautiful home, I may be tempted to look at her as someone that has it all together. But the truth is, she has a pillow too. Her pillow may be full of self doubt, fear, worry, insecurity, jealousy and so much more. In fact, I know that no matter how beautiful she seems or how perfect her life appears, her pillow has a story to tell. You see, no one is exempt. No one is free from self doubt, no one is free of struggles.

I read an email this morning that said something that really struck a chord with me. "I am just trying to learn how to be okay with me." Well, aren't we all? Oprah would not be making the money she makes if it weren't for a world full of people trying to be OKAY. So why is it that we want everyone to think we are okay? Why do we want others to think our lives are perfect? Why do we want others to think we have beaten struggles, never to deal with them again? Women do this! It drives me insane! It's something I can see coming from miles away. I recognize it so quickly because I do the same exact thing. But, I try really hard not to. Here's the deal. God cannot use someone trying to be perfect. He can't! He won't! We were created to be ourselves and when we can't be honest with those around us or even honest with ourselves, we are useless. It's a harsh reality but it's true. Useless!

Imagine attending a Bible Study with women where everyone walks in wearing no makeup, no jewelry, no cute shoes, cute clothes, or anything else used to accessorize like we do! Instead you are told that the only thing you can wear is sweats and socks. And it can't be cute hooded sweats with flared legs. I am talking old fashion Hanes sweats and Hanes socks! That's it! Your hair isn't fixed, your makeup isn't on, it's just YOU. Then you are told that you can't talk about all the things you do. You can't talk about how YOU homeschool your children or how YOU sing at church or how YOU scrapbook or how YOU are the best cook ever born or how YOU have the best marriage in the whole world. The only thing you can talk about is your guts. You know, the stuff you don't want anyone to know about! Can you see it? Can you just imagine for one moment what that would look like? I know it would be hard for me. I love fashion, I love having funky hair, I love letting everyone know what I can do and I have some pretty bad acne scars that I cover up with makeup. My pores are big, and I look like I have no eyelashes because they are so blonde. I would feel pretty plain on the outside. How about you?

But that is who I really am! Underneath the cute clothes, the hair, the makeup, the shoes, the accessories, there is something! There is something more. My pain, my journey, my struggles, my flaws, that is who I am. THOSE are my pearls! And if we could all embrace THIS, we could all learn a lot from one another. Forget pride, forget everyone thinking you have it all together because we all know you don't! Some of us have experienced victory in areas that others haven't, some of us have conquered things through age, but no matter what, we ALL have things we have to work on daily.

Don't be so afraid to be YOU. Don't be so afraid to take that makeup off and show the world who you really are. Be who God created you to be!

He created us for something! Something pretty amazing, something pretty awesome! It's for something! Do you know what?? I do! And I am going to share it for the next couple of days! God has been showing me some pretty amazing stuff that I know is going to speak to some of you. Thanks for reading my sermonette, I am honored to have so many incredible women in my life through this blog. You bless me so much!

God is up to SOMETHING!!

If I ever loose my faith in you

2006-10-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

If you did not read my last post, this won't make much sense to you. But if you did, then you may understand a little better. You see my precious friend, Tiffany, called me a few minutes ago and said, "I know you have heard many Christian artists sing cover songs. But, you need to listen to Jill Parr sing Sting's song, If I ever loose my faith in you. Listen to the lyrics and think about all that you have been going through, all that you have written about and you will see that this is your song during this time in your life."

Music has always been the biggest thing God has used to speak to me and reach me. It reaches me in ways I can't explain. I think it's part of me being a singer because when I find songs that mean so much to me, I always envision myself singing them. So I went to Itunes and listened to the song. In fact, I purchased it for 99cents! I have heard Jill Parr sing it, I have heard Sting sing it but until today it never really meant anything. I have lost a lot of faith in church right now, I have lost a lot of faith in people but I haven't lost my faith in HIM. Someday I will sit at His feet and talk to him about this exact time in my life. I pray that I am "getting" all that He wants me to get.

Lord, if I ever loose my faith in you, there'd be nothing left for me to do. Nothing. Thank you Lord for being my constant companion and the lover of my soul. Thank you!

"If I Ever Lose My Faith In You"- Jill Parr version

You could say I lost my faith in science and progress

You could say I lost my belief in the holy church

You could say I lost my sense of direction

You could say all of this and worse but

If I ever lose my faith in you

There'd be nothing left for me to do

Some would say I was a lost girl in a lost world

You could say I lost my faith in the people on TV

You could say I'd lost my belief in our politicians

They all seemed like game show hosts to me

If I ever lose my faith in you

There'd be nothing left for me to do

I could be lost inside their lies without a trace

But every time I close my eyes I see your face

I never saw no miracle of science

That didn't go from a blessing to a curse

I never saw no military solution

That didn't always end up as something worse but

Let me say this first

If I ever lose my faith in you

There'd be nothing left for me to do

It's kind of like spinach

2006-10-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

(It's hard to tell someone's tone on a blog. Just so you know, I am not sad or mad today. I am just thinking. This blog has OFTEN been used as a journal for me. Some of you have proven you can handle my thoughts and opinions while some of you are offended so in order to protect myself and protect my online JOURNAL, I have turned the comments off on this post. My friends understand. My friends know that I am okay. The people that truly KNOW Amanda, know my heart. So please respect me enough to not send emails with advice. DON'T DO IT! THIS POST IS VERY LONG, it's a blovel!)

When I was a kid I attended a day care/day camp in the Summers that I absolutely loved. We did all sorts of fun activities which left me with great memories of roller skating, swimming and bowling. While the day to day field trips were fun, there was something even better, the food! Usually a Day Care is not known for good food but this one was. They had their very own chef who we called Ms. Hansered. I can still remember the weekly menus, which varied from week to week except on Tuesday's and Friday's. Friday's were sloppy joes, always. As a woman that loves to cook, I have tried to make sloppy joes like Ms. Hansered but I have yet to be successful. Her sloppy Joes had potato chips on them and I have tried to recreate the taste over and over again but I can't. Even with the potato chips, I am unable to create her magnificent sloppy joe taste! So usually I refrain from making Sloppy joes. Tuesdays meal was kind of a strange combo but now it makes perfect sense I feed two toddlers every single day. I understand why she served spaghetti, Macaroni and Spinach. As adults we would probably never want all three of those things together but we all know how picky children can be when it comes to eating so choices are good. Most of my classmates would eat one or two things on their plate, usually leaving the spinach all by it's lonesome. But I always, always, always ate all three things. And my favorite thing on that plate wasn't macaroni, it wasn't even spaghetti, it was SPINACH. My Mother can vouch, I love spinach. I even remember saying that I loved spinach one day when I was about six years old. It was the usual Tuesday meal at the Day Care and while the plates were being served, I joyfully exclaimed, "I love spinach!" All of the sudden a little classmate of mine said, "Why don't you marry it?" But I paid no attention to him. After all, he cried at school anytime it rained. He was afraid of thunderstorms! So by now, you get the point. My love for spinach is real. Spinach salads, canned spinach, spinach pizza, spinach enchiladas, spinach souffle, spinach quiche, spinach dip! Remember Popeye and his love for spinach? Well, my biceps are pretty big too and it's not from carrying kids around all day, it's from spinach!

Despite the years of major dysfunction in my home life, I always attended church. Even though I lived with an alcoholic father who was abusive and often insane, I accepted Christ when I was five years old. Thinking about my childhood now reminds me so much of how amazing God's hand in my life truly is. While I lived in a pretty harsh home environment, I still had a Savior and I knew it. My Dad was usually hungover or sick or just sleeping but Mom still got us up to go to church no matter what. I was there for Sunday School, Christmas musicals, Easter Eggs Hunts, Vacation Bible School, all of it. Now I realize that if it wasn't for the church always being a part of my life, I may not have turned out as good as I have. Statistics would for sure say that a child like me would not have any hope in sight. Society would say that I would have been a pregnant teenager, divorced later on, an alcoholic and totally incapable of being a mother. But thank God that Society did not have the final word because God always, always, always had his hand on my life. He taught me so much through my church family. I am so grateful for the families He often sent my way to teach me about marriage, parenting and so much more. The church truly saved me from the statistics. I learned how to use my gifts and talents in church, I learned how to have relationships and I have met some of my very best friends in life just by going to church. My Summers spent at youth camps, weekends spent at retreats, Sunday mornings spent at early morning rehearsals for praise team, youth events, singles events, married events, children's church, ladies nights, dinners, fundraisers, baby dedications, Christmas and Easter musicals and so on. Church has allowed me to thrive socially and has given me some of the best times in life. I love it! I love what it has taught me, what it has done for me socially and spiritually and how it has shaped much of who I am in Christ. So, for me, it's kind of like spinach. Love it, gotta have it.

Over the past several weeks we have all been informed that spinach is not so good right now. I remember the first time I heard something in the news about bagged spinach. I did not think much about it. That night after hearing the news report, I went to eat at my favorite Mexican good restaurant with my husband. I am a gal that orders "the usual" so of course I ordered my spinach enchiladas! The waiter didn't miss a beat, "Sorry we are not serving that right now due to a spinach crisis." My husband had not heard the news, I had forgotten about the news so the waiter calling it a "spinach crisis" really threw us off. Obviously I was forced to order something else. From that moment on, the news, the papers, the newspapers, were all talking about SPINACH! Reports of people even DYING from spinach! E.Coli is not something I care to experience so I decided that spinach was not worth the risk! As much as I love Spinach pizza, spinach dip, spinach quiche, spinach enchiladas and even canned spinach, I am not about to eat spinach at this moment in time and I am not sure when I will feel safe in eating it again. Really, it's just not worth the risk. Those that ate spinach, enjoyed every bite of their spinach but woke up the next morning being rushed to the hospital, probably don't care how good the spinach tasted at this point. Right?

We have not been to church in a while. Over a year ago we were a part of something pretty great. It was the most incredible social experience we have ever had when it comes to church. We had amazing friends, we were being used for service (sometimes too much), we felt like we belonged to something and as a family it was a perfect fit for all of us. As a stay at home mom, my days were filled with activities. I had many shopping buddies, prayer warriors, and friends I could call to even help me out with the kids. It was fun, it was fulfilling, it was incredible having ALL the women in the church at Ava Beth's baby shower. On a social level, I felt like the homecoming Queen. Everyone likes the homecoming Queen, everyone wants to hang out with the Homecoming Queen and the Homecoming Queen always has the most popular friend, the Prom Queen. Right about now it may sound weird, I may have lost some of you as I try to explain how great we felt our life was at this church. These people were our family. These are the people that we chose over our family many times. These are people we wanted to be with on Holidays and any special occasions. I am not sure what it feels like to be a part of a Sorority in College but I am pretty sure it feels a lot like what I felt like being a part of this church. I was never the most popular girl in school, I wasn't a cheerleader, I wasn't a girl that ever felt like I belonged. But finally at twenty eight and twenty nine years old, I felt that for the first time in my life. Then one day, it all came to a crashing halt and it was over.

The details aren't important anymore. Time is one of the most incredible healers that the Lord gives us and time has healed many of my hurts. Also the Lord has orchestrated some pretty great things that have also helped. A phone call here, an email there, letting me know I am missed, reminding me of how special I was to them. But even though the sting is no longer present, even though I feel safe and free in exchanging emails with those from the past, the memory is still there. I'm no longer on the squad anymore, my phone doesn't ring off the hook like it used to and I lost the best shopping buddy I ever had. That void has not been filled, there hasn't been a church or people to take the place of what once was. My husband and I have NOT connected with any other couples, I haven't laughed so hard that I have almost peed in my pants, I haven't toilet papered anyone's house with my Pastor's wife (who was also my best shopping buddy and friend) while I was 7 months pregnant and I have not sang in church, acted in church or served in a church for over a year now. I haven't had anyone I can call on the phone fifty times a day, I haven't been inspired by a "group" of women and I haven't made a true "connection". While those memories are incredible, while those memories can make me laugh just by thinking of them, those memories leave me with a lot more. I am left with a bit of pessimism, anger, and uncertainty. It's kind of like spinach for me.

No matter how much I love spinach, no matter how great it tastes, no matter how good it is for my body, I am not about to eat it again. Not now! I am just not ready for spinach and I am not sure when and if I ever will be.

Yesterday I got a phone call from one of my best friends. Her and I are in the same place in many ways. She is the one person I can really be honest with spiritually. I can tell her how I feel and she has either already felt the same thing or is feeling it with me. Her phone call was completely God ordained. He knew I needed her yesterday. I can talk to her on the phone and feel so fulfilled in many ways as a woman. Her words reach my soul like no one else's words possibly can. We were at a church together several years ago where our Pastor had an affair on his wife. Lunch after lunch we would sit and cry or talk together about the situation. It had not been made public yet, it had not even been proven, but we both knew in our spirits that it was happening. So our journey together as been pretty hard core. My husband and I left before the situation got any worse, but my friend was the Worship Leader and had to stay. Her journey there was much longer than we expected and while she continued on, my husband and I had an incredible ride at another church. This was the church that gave us more than we ever imagined. The day it all ended, the day I knew I was off the squad, I called my friend. She said something to me I will never, ever forget. "I have learned that until Jesus comes back, we will constantly be disappointed and hurt by people. So as long as we go to church, people will shock us, hurt us and do things we may never be able to get over." Over the last year, my friend and I have been trying to figure out together what we do with that realization, what do we do with that TRUTH? People will hurt us, people will bring about pain, people will disappoint us, people will do things to us that may cause us to never be able to forget. And since we KNOW that it WILL happen, how does one move forward?

All of the wonderful memories I made, all of the great friendships I once had during that time, they are over. Gone! One might say that I walked away with great times, great lessons, and so on. I do have a bunch of great pictures! Pictures of events, pictures of Holidays, pictures of baby showers, but not one person is in my life. Someday my daughter will ask, "Who were all those people at the hospital when I was born? I saw all of those people in the pictures but who are they? Who were all those women that were at my baby shower?"Yes, there is the occasional email but really I have nothing to account for NOW but heartache and pictures. It's kind of like spinach. The person who went into the hospital after eating spinach doesn't care about how great the spinach tasted because all they were left with was E.coli. So here's the question! Why on earth eat spinach ever again? Was the great taste worth it? Was the green, healthy vegetable really good for your bowels in the long run? Maybe. But if you got sick, no. For those that died from eating spinach, hell no!

My husband and I talked about this for the first time in a long time just last night. I wanted to see how he was feeling. I wanted to see where he was at. I wanted to know why he doesn't want to visit yet another church this coming Sunday. He explained it best and he explained it in a way that I could totally identify with. In fact, our feelings were identical. "I can't hear from God in this right now. I spend time with Him. I hear from Him. I love Him, I need Him, I have not forsaken HIM. But, when it comes to us planting our feet in a church again, I don't think it's possible. I know it will happen but I know it is going to be something that he does 100%."

As for me? Well, I am restless. My friend keeps asking me to go to a Bible Stud with her during the week. It's on Tuesday mornings, they have childcare, they have mommies, they have pregnant women, they have all kinds of gals that I am sure I can relate to. I have told her I would go several times, only to cancel the morning of. Today I was supposed to go. But last night I called her and explained that once again I couldn't go. I am always honest, I don't make up excuses. I just tell her the truth. "Kelly, I am not ready. I am not ready to put myself out there with a group of women. My restlessness is not rebellion, I promise. I am just not ready. But please keep asking me. I may say yes next week but this week."

Last Sunday morning I knew we were not going to church. I did not feel guilty, I did not care whether or not my mom asked me, "Did y'all go to church today?" I did not care. It was a quiet morning around the house. The kids were still sleeping so I told Jeremy I was going to the grocery store. The whole way there, I prayed. I told the Lord I wanted to honor him today with my words, my countenance, my body, my everything. I worshipped in the car, Josiah and I worked on some memory verses that I have been teaching him and we painted together. All day long, we worshipped. It wasn't in a church building, it was in our home. Someday I know we will be back in church (I think), I know that we will have friends, play dates, dinners and bible studies. But for now, I am not sure what that picture looks like or when it will happen. Currently people say things to me like, "Oh I have been there." Or "I will be praying for you." Some have even suggested my husband and I going to get counseling over our "Church Crisis." They talk to me like they know or like they understand and it's all while they are RUSHING to get out the door for a church meeting or church function. They understand. Right. They tell me that my marriage will suffer if we are not in church, our finances, and other things will suffer. They say that my children are being cheated by not being in church every single Sunday. Well, I disagree. Why is it that the church has to paint my faith? Why is that I have to do what other Christians EXPECT me to do? Why is that I am said to be in a rebellious stage? Why is it that other CHRISTIANS can't believe that I am closer to the Lord NOW than I have ever been? Is there is litmus test? Does it matter that I have lead someone to the Lord in the past month or that I have shared Christ with my next door neighbor? Does it matter that I have been spending time trying to get to know my neighbors that are also lesbians? Does it matter that my three year old has memorized more scriptures than most Christian adults? Would that help me pass the litmus test or does my butt have to be sitting in a pew or a folded chair every single Sunday?

I am not bitter at CHURCH, I am confused. I am scared and I am unsure about my place of ministry right now. My husband feels the same. For me, it's kind of like spinach. Right now I am staying away from spinach and church. I love them both, I think I need them both. But, I am a little scared to try either one.

My home is in order!

2006-09-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

Well it's finally the weekend but it's only going to get busier! Our usual Friday night date night is not happening because Grammy is busy. So instead we are registering for baby Ezekiel and taking the kids to dinner. And I hate taking them out to dinner right now! They can only handle sitting in one spot for so long! They are good kids and do pretty good eating out but all of you Moms know how NOT FUN it is to eat out with a three year old and one year old! Tomorrow is my cousin's baby shower and I will be up half the night finishing her gift (but it's fun!) and then Sunday is my best friend's little boy's two year birthday party. I have not stayed home one day this week. I am tired, the kids are tired and I need a massage, pedicure, and many more things. But that's not going to happen! I really need some time with Jeremy, just me and Jeremy. I'm sad we don't get our date night but a family night is good too.

This week I have been really busy but I have felt fulfilled in so many ways. Everything I have done this week has been pretty domestic you could say and that is what fulfills me the most. My time with the Lord this week has been early, early in the morning and He has reminded me that all of the things I am doing is exactly what he created me to do. This is exactly what I prayed for when I was single. It's exciting to realize you are in the middle of those answered prayers! I am not trying to be a super wife or super mom, I am just trying to be the heart of my home. The Lord has blessed me so much with women in my life that have taught me how to do that. It may be cooking supper, searching all over town for a bow to match Ava Beth's Halloween T-Shirt, making Fall decorations for my home, baking brownies for my new neighbor, planning a baby shower for a family member, making gifts, doing puzzles with Josiah, snuggling with Ava Beth or laughing with Jeremy over a funny show we watch, it's been fulfilling. I feel like my home is in order. Laundry is washed AND put away (Right Paula?), dishes are unloaded out of the dishwasher, beds are made, toilets are clean and again THE LAUNDRY IS PUT AWAY! There is no laundry on my couch!!! Hooray for me! :) Anyway, it's been fun. I may not have blogged hardly at all, but one thing is for sure, I got my priorities straight and it feels good!

Something I pray for a lot is creativity. Creativity in my marriage, my parenting, my homemaking. This week, God has truly blessed my efforts and I have had a great week. He has given me creativity this week and I needed it! My kids even acted great in Target (I won't tell you how many times we were there) and I didn't have to bribe, threaten or talk through my teeth! That's a victory! But there has been one very important factor that plays into the success of my week. I barely spent ANY time on the computer. In fact, I did not even miss it.

So it's time for the weekend, time to enjoy the family and time to EAT! I'm hungry! I hope you have a great weekend my friends! As always, I am praying for a special Word from the Lord so I can post some encouragement for us all.

Here's a few pics of the kids this week! The weather in Texas has been great! I wish it was cooler but we are getting there. Slowly but surely!

I'm alive, promise!

2006-09-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, blogging has been a rare thing for me lately. I feel so out of touch with the blogging world right now! Some are asking if I am okay and I assure you I am fine. But, I am tired and busy. Since my belly is for sure sticking out by now (5 1/2 months), people are beginning to say things to me like, "Wow. You are brave!" Or my favorite one is "You sure got your hands full!" At this stage I am LOVING those comments. The comments remind me that I am one heck of a super mom! Right? Please agree with me! When I am in Hobby Lobby and other women are offering to put my merchandise up on the counter to be rung up while I hold Ava Beth (she won't sit in the basket) and while Josiah says, "Mommy, I really would like you to but me that Thomas The Train puzzle back there!", I appreciate the onlookers because they HELP! It adds so much to the scene when my three year old says, "Mommy, I don't like you very much right now. I really wanted that puzzle today." Who knows, this may be the last time these people see me out in public again. God knows I won't be out with three children, especially not Hobby Lobby! But then again, I said that when Ava Beth was born.

So I have been away from my blogging for many reasons. Here is my list of reasons why! I know you are just dying to know where I have been and what I have been doing! Right? Well, if not, just lie and tell me you have!

1. I have my sweet cousin's baby shower this Saturday and I have been working hard on her gift! (she reads my blog so I want her to be very happy on Saturday when she knows how many trips to Hobby Lobby I have made, with the kids, pregnant, swollen feet, etc.! I love you Cara!)

2. I am having a baby shower at MY house for my sweet Desi (soon to be sister-in-law) in two weeks. I am making two cupcake cakes and decorating them to match the plates and napkins. More trips to Hobby Lobby! Thank God for the Wilton aisle! And anyone that knows me knows that if something is going to be at my house, I go all out. Almost to a fault! So I have been planning a menu of yummo food, games that will not be silly or dumb (I HATE SHOWER GAMES! My friends knows that and they still make me do them at my baby showers!), shower invites, decor, etc. But I am loving doing all of this! And it's a shower for a baby girl and those are the BEST to plan for! I think I am copying just about everything done at mine for Ava Beth. It was the bomb!

3. I have been decorating my house for Fall which means trips to Hobby Lobby (my favorite store! everything I bought was 50% off!), Garden Ridge ( I hate this store but I went anyway for their $1 box of Christmas ornaments! I need new gold and red ornaments and for $1.00, you can't beat it!) and Big Lots (my scarecrows in the yard did not make it from last year so Big Lots was the place to go!). OH HOW I LOVE FALL!!!!!

4. I have been gearing up for my Holiday Baking Business, Sugar & Spice-Creative Baking by Amanda. I am adding something this year to my menu so I have been baking a lot trying to figure out what! My husband loves testing out the menu!

5. I have been working on something NEW to sale over the Holidays (more trips to Hobby Lobby)! I will show pictures soon but not yet! :)

6. I have had an aching back, swollen feet, a hemorrhoid episode (pregnancy is wonderful), and my boobs have gotten way too big! (hopefully men do not read this blog!) My body hurts and it's only just begun! My doctor says it gets worse with each child. The thought of a 4th kind of makes me ill right now. :) Well shall see! But I don't want to complain too much! I love it! Ezekiel is moving around like crazy. He has been waking me up, he moves so much! Oh yes, the sleep! That has decreased quite a bit too! Last week my doctor told me that I am measuring three weeks ahead (I do this every single time and every single time I have a big baby that comes three to two weeks early!). So yes, I think I am already walking like a duck! UGH!

7. My son is addicted to puzzles right now so I have been doing LOTS of puzzles!!!! LOTS OF PUZZLES!

8. Oh and I have been working on a list of invites for my shower in November. My best friend called me this morning telling me she needs the list now. I did not even expect a shower for the third but I am happy to be getting one. Oh and she wants me to register for some stuff she knows I need. She wants me to register this week! Okay, so something else for me to do.

8. And I haven't blogged because I have nothing to really say. Can you tell? HA!

Okay, so don't let this list fool you. I no domestic goddess (many of my friends are! Ahem, COURTNEY!), I am just trying to wear many hats right now! :)

EXCITING NEWS!

2006-09-20T15:55:00.000-07:00

My brother, his fiancée and her little boy moved here about six weeks ago from Seattle, Washington. In just a few weeks they will be having a baby girl, Adisyn Renee! Oh and Renee is my middle name! :) So of course I am going to be one proud Aunt of that baby girl! I will not only be a proud Aunt but I will be little Adisyn's favorite Aunt. For I am the best Aunt any child could ever hope for, I'm Aunt Mandi! Aunt Mandi always has gum in her purse and Aunt Mandi will always give you a drink of her Dr. Pepper after you learn to drink out of straw and she will take you shopping, paint your toenails, play with your hair and take hundreds of pictures of you. So I hope Mommy and Daddy know that since Baby Adisyn has MY middle name, she is going to be just like ME!

Adisyn will be my first, full blown, blood related niece so I am thinking about this little girl all the time. I can't wait for her to be here and be a part of my life. Some of my greatest memories as a little girl are going to my Aunt Carolyn's house. She doted on me like crazy! I want to be the Aunt that does the same with little Adisyn. I hope to be a Rock Star in her eyes! I'm positive I will be. But what makes this little angel so special is her parents. I can't believe my little brother is having a baby! He's actually not that little, he's a big guy and he's almost twenty-seven years old but I like to refer to him as my little brother. He will always be my little bubba. I can't wait to see his face when he holds his baby girl for the first time (I am hoping I get to be in the delivery room!). They need someone to take pictures, right!? And then there is Desiree (Desi), Josh's fiancée. I already call her my sister because to me, that's exactly what she is. The very first time I met her, I KNEW she would be a part of my life. I had prayed for a sister-in-law for so long that I could go shopping with, cook with, and have babies with. Well guess what? I got one! Desi has become one of my closest friends. My kids adore her and she adores them. We talk on the phone almost every single day and in a couple of weeks they will be living less than two miles away! She is also a stay-at-home mom so I officially have an all the time shopping buddy! You see I prayed for many years that my brother, Josh, would meet someone wonderful and He did. I never expected to fall in love with her too. She is precious to me.

The Lord has given me a lot of time with Desiree. We have shopped, hung out, acted silly and even cried together. Instantly we had a bond. As we became closer, I realized that Desi did not know the Lord like I did. She did not know Him at all. She had gone to church with Josh and my parents and loved going but she had not made the connection from her mind to her heart. I took a class years and years ago called Evangelism Explosion (E.E.). My teacher once told me on our way to knock on doors of apartments something that I will never forget. "Amanda, people often miss Heaven by eighteen inches. There's eighteen inches between the head and the heart and some people never connect the two when it comes to the Lord." Knocking on those apartment doors was a scary thing for me. I had my E.E. scripting memorized, I knew it by heart but when someone answered the door, it never failed, I forgot my script. So I ended up sharing Jesus in a very simple way. VERY SIMPLE! I would explain how Jesus changed my life as a little girl and continued to change my life daily. The further I got, the more my memory came back and I was able to share scriptures and important examples from my training. Many times I would talk to someone that was missing Heaven by only eighteen inches. They knew God in their Head but they never accepted Him in their heart! So the more time I spent with Desi, the more I realized how her head and heart had not made the connection. At night I was waking up constantly with her on my heart and I would hear the spirit of the Lord telling me, "Bring Desiree to me. She will listen. She is ready. Just bring her to me."

Last Friday Desiree came to my house so we could go shopping and register for Baby Adisyn at Target. When she got here, her eyes were swollen and I could tell that she had been crying. Since they have moved here from Washington, she has had a tough time. Who wouldn't? She has never been away from her family, it's hot as you know what in Texas and she's almost nine months pregnant. My brother is working but trying to find a better job AND they are trying to find an apartment so they can have a place of their own before baby girl gets here. I could see it in her eyes, she was spent. We were getting ready to leave but I still had to brush my teeth. So I told her I would be right back and went into my bathroom to brush. As I was brushing my teeth, I heard the Lord again. "Mandi, bring her to me. The time is right. Go talk to her. Don't wait a minute longer." I walked back into the living room and began to pray inside my head. "Lord, please let my kids come into alignment! Lord, please keep them calm as I talk to Desiree." And then I said, "Desiree, I want to talk to you before we leave."

Leading someone to the Lord has got to be one of the most incredible things to experience because you have to solely rely on HIM to give you the words to say. The whole time I am talking to her, my faith is being stretched, my boldness is being put to the test and I am allowing the Holy Spirit to use my voice box 100%! I quoted scriptures that I did not even know I had memorized! I gave examples as I presented the gospel that only SHE would understand. Everything I said came straight from the Lord, it was amazing. During our talk, things were flowing out of me pretty well. Emotionally I was holding it together. Until I said, "Desiree, God wants you now. He wants to be the Lord of your life NOW. He longs for you to fall down at His feet and say, Lord, I need you and I can't do this life without you ANYMORE!" When I said that she began to cry, I began to cry and the Lord did some awesome stuff! I held her and we cried together. I could actually feel Heaven opening up. WOW! There was a supernatural anointing in that room and I was so excited to be a part of what God was doing. So I asked her, "Desi, do you want to walk out of here today and KNOW that Jesus is your Lord and Savior? Do you want to KNOW that you will spend an eternity with Him? Do you want to tell Adisyn someday that right before she was born, you trusted Jesus?"

Well, she said YES! I prayed for her, prayed for Baby Adisyn and then prayed for Desiree's salvation so she could repeat after my prayer. My precious soon to be sister-in-law, my new sister is NOW my new sister in Christ. I told her to mark the day down, September 15th, 2006, you became a brand new woman! So if you can't already tell, let me tell you! I am so excited that Desiree got saved and that the Lord used me to lead her to Him!!! My brother and Desiree are going to church with my parents and they are getting awesome Word poured into them. Now that she has made the connection, I know God is going to do so many things to reveal himself to her. I can't wait for the day to come when she gets baptized! I will be there cheering her on as I sit on the front and center row!

Lord, I'm ready! Please bring more people into my life that need you! I want to bring 'em to you! Thank you Lord for Desiree. Thank you!

For friends and family!

2006-09-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

Recently I was scolded by both sets of grandparents for not taking enough pictures of the kids. I used to send pictures out weekly but lately I have become lazy in picture taking! so here are some picures of the kiddos and some cupcakes we made. Don't laugh! I ALWAYS take pictures of food! :)

SLEEP

2006-09-20T06:22:00.000-07:00

I only have a few minutes before I have to load these kids up again and go to my monthly check up at the OB. But I wanted to post something to let all of you know that I have something so exciting to share with you but you're going to have to wait! Hopefully this afternoon I will have some time to finally write on this blog. I have been doing so well in this pregnancy, nothing to complain about. While I still have nothing to complain about, I have finally hit a wall! I am tired, very tired. Josiah will be four about one week before the baby comes so his age is really perfect. He is self sufficient, well behaved and is such a smart and loving boy. When I am feeling tired from this pregnancy, he helps me do anything I need him to. Ava Beth is twenty-months old and she is wonderful. I can't imagine my life without a daughter. But let's just say that she is the child that is not as compliant as her older sibling. I can already tell that she is destined to be a leader because she is the most determined child I have ever seen. Over the weekend we switched her from a crib to a twin bed. BIG MISTAKE! We did this at 18 months with Josiah and he NEVER got out of his bed. When he was awake, he just hollered for me or Daddy. But Ava Beth is quite different! Currently I do not have the energy to explain all that has taken place over the last few days. I will tell you that she now has a twin bed with beautiful brand new bedding (THAT I SEARCHED EVERYWHERE FOR AND STILL DON'T LIKE!), but she is happily sleeping in her crib that Daddy put back in her room last night! The girl was not ready! I WAS NOT READY! Last night I was finally able to get almost eight hours of sleep before the little one in my belly starting kicking me and woke me up! That is a very pleasant thing to wake up to because soon this little baby will be in the world and 5am will not be as delightful as it is right now. I told my husband last night that he better not think about taking that crib out of her room again. We are not using her crib for Ezekiel because it's white (Jeremy thinks white is for girls only) and the white crib was bought for Ava Beth. So what's the rush in getting her out of her crib? UGH! But Daddy was excited about her sleeping in a big bed. Ha! Not anymore! Ava Beth sleeping all night long last night (like she always does) is PROOF that a big girl bed is totally overrated! She's no fool! The little girl knows what she wants and last night we gave it to her. Sissy gets two beds! Where does my little girl get her personality from? WHERE? :)

So sleep my little precious Angel, Ava Beth! Sleep! SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW ON EARTH WILL I BE ABLE TO REST WHEN THE THIRD BABY GETS HERE???

DALLAS WINS!!

2006-09-18T08:11:00.000-07:00

ENOUGH SAID!

I knew you would like this picture my sweet friend Kate!

FASHION WEEK

2006-09-14T14:44:00.000-07:00

It's Fashion Week in New York City! This is when American Designers get the opportunity to unveil their newest designs for Spring 2007. Project Runway at it's best! Over the last few days I have spent some time checking out this so I can see what to expect hanging on the racks in Target, Forever 21, Gap and Old navy when Spring rolls around next year. You see this is something that really helps me get over the shock of what's to come! I knew last year that the "Skinny Pants" were coming back along with leggings, sweater dresses and big belts to wear at the waist. I have even seen stirrup pants, flats and many other things that I just can't bring myself to wear no matter how in style they are! I wore these things once when they were in style many years ago, I can't do it again! Stirrup pants bring back some horrible fashion memories and I will not subject myself to that again! So here's my new fashion motto. I will continue to love fashion, I will continue to create a fashionable look even for short trips to the grocery store and my romance with clothes will not cease. But I will not wear "Skinny Pants", leggings, flats, stirrup pants or sweater dresses no matter what! This Fall and Spring I will just have to find alternatives to these new trends while focusing on staying hip! It can be done! Ladies, if we give into this kind of fashion stupidity, we may be tempted to roll our jeans tight while stacking two different color socks and wearing Bass loafers with curly shoe strings that do not require tying! NO! This cannot happen!

Okay, all joking aside. As I have checked out the new trends this week in the New York Times and The Fashion Week webpage, I have thought a lot about the title of my Mom's blog. Fashion Statement. "I am a woman...designed and fashioned by Him." What a cool Mom I have! I sure wish I would have thought of that name for my blog! But thinking about her tag line made me realize how much I truly want to be a woman that is fashioned by Him. He's the designer so what is it that I am busy wearing that does not go well on the Red Carpet or the Runway?

I love being a trend setter! If someone copies my hair or my outfit, then obviously they liked it so much they had to have it. It's a great compliment! But what about the way I live my everyday life? Am I a trend setter? Do others look at my style and want to copy? Are there things about me that stand out so much that others desire the same look? When it comes to fashion, I like to see what the stars are wearing. I love to buy fashion magazines and read about the hot new trends. In my Christian life, I love to surround myself with Godly women that seem to have a look that is becoming. Their words are kind, humble and wise. Their countenance is joyful, their actions are loving and giving towards others. These women forgive easily and are not easily offended. They are authentic and not afraid to be real. You never hear them gossip or “discuss” someone else. These women make a Fashion statement daily!

Walking the Red Carpet isn’t always easy. A woman has to plan ahead. She must know what and who she wants to wear. Something a celebrity is always asked when walking the Red Carpet, “Who are you wearing?” It may be Oscar de la Renta, Vera Wang, Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, Carolina Herrera or Michael Kors. Whoever the designer is, the celebrity has put a lot of thought into the choosing that person to design the dress. He or she trusts the fashion designer to create an amazing look that hopefully lands them on a “Best Dressed” list. As wives, mothers, daughters and friends, we walk our own Red Carpet. We have our very own Project Runway. Many times we think we are walking it without anyone knowing our struggles, our sin. But many times, our fashion fopa can be seen by everyone. The more we try to be perfect, the more obvious those fashion mistakes come out!

Imagine going to a party where you know everyone will be dressed to kill. When you walk in the door in your stunning dress, you see another woman across the room wearing a poodle skirt. At this point you think a couple of things. “Is it Halloween? Was I supposed to wear a costume?” But you look around and everyone else is wearing appropriate attire while Miss. Poodle Skirt sticks out like a soar thumb. Either she didn’t come to the right party or she doesn’t know what year it really is! How often do we put on poodle skirts? How often do we wear things that are out of style, out of season, too small, too short, too big and just plain ugly?

Last week I had a friend call asking me to come over and go through her closet. She wanted me to get rid of everything she shouldn’t wear or ever think about wearing. After we hung up the phone, I thought about how bad I need to that in my spiritual life. Often I need to ask the Holy Spirit to show me what’s in my closet that doesn’t belong. What’s there that is so last season? I don’t know about you but something’s I have outgrown such as fear. Jealousy and gossip are not becoming at all. And pride is the smelliest, boldest, brightest, fashion mistake anyone could wear! It’s just plain UGLY! Why not wear something a little more flattering? How about something a little softer? Or something a little more confident? Maybe something that shows love and humility? Instead of those outfits that show arrogance, selfishness and deceit. If we truly trust our designer, if He truly has total creative control, shouldn’t we wear Him proudly?

It’s Fashion Week in New York City. The celebrities are sitting on the front row as they check out the hot new trends for the Spring Season in 2007. What shoes, handbags, dresses, pants, tops and jewelry will be in? Before we know it, the new styles will be hanging on the racks at all our favorite stores. But what’s going to be the hot new style in our own life? Will we be trend setters or will someone need to call the fashion police! I don’t know about you but I want to be a trend-setter! I want to be a woman that initiates the trends! What fashion can I make popular among women? What if WE can be the ones to create a whole new Fashion Week? What if WE can be the ones to show the world what looks best on EVERY woman?!

Off to set new trends!

-Amanda

Vivian, my friend

2006-09-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

Last week I checked the mail to find something very exciting! It was a package addressed to my baby boy, Ezekiel. Ezekiel will not be born until January, but a very special friend decided to mail something a little early and addressed it to him. She even put his middle name on the package and of course the last name too. I can't tell you how happy I was to see a package with his name on it!

The package was special for a couple of other reasons too. It came from a place far, far away from Texas and from a person I totally adore but have never met in person. When I began blogging over a year ago, I had no idea what I was in for. The purpose of my blog was to write about things God was teaching me and allow my friends and family to read it. I had no idea that people from all over the world would come to my blog. In fact, back in the early days of my blog, I was excited to see just ONE comment. When friends and family figured out how to leave a comment, I was thrilled. It took them a while! But then people started coming from all over the world! I couldn't believe it. So today I want to introduce to you one of the first people that came to my blog. I didn't know her, I had no clue as to how she found me but this person has truly been a blessing to have in my corner. I love her, I really do.

Her name is Vivian. She is one of the smartest, most intriguing woman I know. We often talk about meeting for coffee. Actually, we dream about it. You see my friend Vivian lives in Canada and I live in Texas. So our coffee talk can't be done in person. Vivian and I have such a special relationship because our connection comes straight from our Heavenly Father. The woman is a Jesus chasin' fool! She challenges me, prays for me and encourages me like you can't believe. Vivian is older than me, I love that. She is wiser than me, I need that. She is smarter than me, I learn from that. She knows God's word more than me, I admire that. She is a mentor to me in so many ways and oh how I wish she lived in my state! I talk a lot about surrounding myself with women that are serious about their walk with God. So serious that you can see Jesus all over them! So serious that their words are as sweet as honey and their hearts are as warm as pie! She loves her Lord and it shows. Vivian is a devoted wife, mother and friend. She has ministered to me in so many ways and my prayer is that I can encourage her as much as she has me. If you are looking for a woman to inspire you, she will do it. She is a part of some exciting things going on in Canada. I even got to listen to her on a radio broadcast in Canada via the internet. She was interviewed for a special project she is a part of called Love Winnipeg. You can check it out here. http://www.lovewinnipeg.com/ She is also a part of something else called http://www.alphacanada.org/. These programs are incredible and a part of her everyday ministry. I feel so blessed to have her in my life so if you have time, be sure and check her blog out. Her love for the Lord is contagious!

With eyes like this, you know she is destined for amazing things!

Oh and if you are wondering what the gift was for Ezekiel, it was a bib that is the Canadian Flag! How cool is that?

I love you V.!! You are on the front row of my life and I am so blessed to call you friend. I had to give you a blog post all by yourself!

MY MOM ROCKS!

2006-09-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

Okay so you have all heard me sing my Mom's praises and I have told you many times that she is my hair stylist and the very best colorist in the world. The woman can do hair like no body else. She is amazing! In fact, that is why my hair has been so many different colors and cuts. Since I have been growing it out, I have eased up on all the colors. I think I am a boring client now! And if you know my husband, you know he is very conservative (how on earth did he choose me) and he would love me to be a little more Ann Taylor! BUT if you know ME, you know that Ann Taylor and I do not mix. I was born to be crazy! Okay? :) So Jeremy likes the direction my hair is finally going. This Saturday it's my turn! I get to go all by myself and sit in the famous chair at Karen's Salon, I mean Mom's salon and get those roots done, eyebrows waxed and of course dyed. My eyebrows are light blonde so without dying them, I look pretty silly. Okay so enough about ME!

If you wonder whether or not my Mom can do her thing with scissors and color, just check this out! And if you live in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex and you need an incredible stylist who will also give you the most incredible Godly counsel you have ever had WHILE you get your hair done, you must check her out!

Minnie you look smokin' hot! My Mamma did good!!!!

A lesson learned at 3am

2006-09-12T14:47:00.000-07:00

This morning at 3am I was wide awake. It was not worry that was keeping me awake, it wasn't even the baby inside my belly that seems to be rolling all over the place. Instead, it was pain! This past weekend my Mom and I made beautiful cornice boards for my kitchen and living room. But the ones made for the living room lacked something, it needed more! Yesterday we found some beautiful beads and added them to the cornice boards. Now they are complete and look fabulous! We had some extra beads left over so my Mom thought we should hot glue them to my two lamps in the living room. It was a tag team effort and my effort left me with a horrible burn from the glue gun. We have probably all experienced those burns that cause an instant bubble to appear which later pops and water drains out. But this burn skipped the bubble! The glue that my finger stuck to was so hot that I instantly ripped the glue off the front of my finger and screamed! When I ripped the glue off, it also ripped the skin off. Instantly my finger was draining some sort of fluid and it burned in the worst way I could ever imagine. My three and a half year old realized that I had quite the boo boo and offered a band-aid. I thanked him but declined the band-aid until this morning at 3am I realized how the air hitting my burn/wound only doubled my pain. I was thinking it needed air but it actually needed something to cover it! So out of bed I go to find the nearest Spiderman or Dora band-aid and maybe some ointment. The only thing I could find was Creamy Vaseline and one Dora The Explorer band-aid-aid. The Creamy Vaseline said that it worked for many things and one of those being burns. After applying the Vaseline, I almost screamed again. The pain was at a level 10! And I know what a level 10 is and it's the same level I have felt right before the doctor gives me an epidural! But no epidural for a burn! Then came the band-aid and finally after a few minutes, the pain subsided and eventually I fell back asleep. Today the burn continues to hurt pretty bad. I laid in bed last night praying for every single burn patient in the world. I can't imagine anything more painful than what burn victims suffer. Actually their suffering gets worse while trying to seek medical treatment. The process a burn victim goes through at a burn unit is unfathomable and I will never understand why they can't put someone asleep while doing so much to a person!! When someone is taken to a burn unit, they often go through something called debridement or skin scraping. It hurts to even think about! But it is a must have step in the process to recovering from burns. Even though my burn was just a place on my finger, my entire hand throbbed early this morning and I could actually feel my finger pulsating from the pain. I was thankful it was just my finger. The thought of my entire body feeling that way is unimaginable. My hot gluing accident was something that happened in one second. Maybe it was unavoidable based on the position of my fingers as I pressed the trim of beads onto the lamp. Something that happened in a second has caused hours of pain.

So many times I say or do things in a second without thinking about the after effect. I have been spending lots of time reading Proverbs lately. This morning at 3am while I lay in bed with a throbbing hand and finger, the Holy Spirit brought to mind much of what I had read the day before. Proverbs 11:17 Your own soul is nourished when you are kind, but you destroy yourself when you are cruel. Is my soul being nourished? How often am I destroying myself based on my words and actions? I took inventory. I thought about my friends, family, the blogging world. I thought about my conversations that no one hears. And what about this one? 22A woman who is beautiful but lacks discretion is like a gold ring in a pig's snout. Now who wants to see a pig with a gold ring in it's snout? Exactly! The gold ring is useless in a pig's snout. I spend lots of time trying to look pretty. But am I really "pretty?" Do others think I am beautiful? Not only on the outside but the inside?

I don't want to live in a constant state of regret. Just today I did something with good intention, with a pure heart and something I prayed about. But I also made a mistake as I approached the situation too. I said something I shouldn't have. I got a little defensive and in my act of being defensive, I got thoughtless and said something ugly. It was too late! What I said was already out there. There wasn't anything I could do to get my words back. Even now I feel a little raw and exposed. But the Holy Spirit is constantly allowing my skin to be exposed in order for me to be rid of so much self that daily rears it's ugly face. The process is painful but sometimes my skin must be scraped away. Much like burn patients that have to endure painful treatments AWAKE, we have to be put on the potter's wheel wide AWAKE too. Oh how easy it would be to sleep through the night, let God work out all of our kinks, wake up and be brand new and free of self! But that is not going to happen. Instead, the pruning process is often painful as we realize the many things in our life that can't stay. They must go!

My desire to be a Godly woman and to minister to other women is at the forefront of my mind every single day. But in order for me to be all that He truly wants me to be, I will find myself in a scraping process pretty much all the time. It's the only way for me to grow. Today my finger hurts pretty bad but with ointment and a band-aid, the burn feels a bit of relief. So many times in my own personal journey, I feel like I am just out there, exposed and wounded. But my Heavenly Father always doctors me up by the wisdom He gives me through His Word and by the comfort He sends through the Holy Spirit. For my wounds may be exposed for the world to see, but He bandages me up and holds me tight as I learn the many things I have to learn. The process is rudimentary, it can't be avoided.

And if it takes a burn from hot glue to wake me up at night and hear from my precious Lord, I'll take the burn. I will welcome the 3am hour any day.

September 11th, 2001

2006-09-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

I had been married for five weeks. Wedding gifts were still arriving, Thank You cards were at the top of my list to write and my attention was totally on decorating our new apartment and cooking creative dinners for my new husband. The honeymoon was not over! I was a brand new wife and enjoying every moment of being married. We didn't have a care in the world. It was all about us! No kids, no pets, just Amanda and Jeremy! That morning we both got up ready to face the work day. While getting ready, I turned on Good Morning America to catch up on news while getting dressed. This was something I did every single morning. It was a huge day in sport's history. Michael Jordan was coming out of retirement to play for the NBA again and he was the top story at the beginning of September 11th, 2001. Due to the time I had to be at work, I only saw about ten minutes of the show before leaving. Jeremy and I walked to our cars together, kissed each other goodbye and went to work.

My job was only a couple of miles away from our apartment so I chose to work early in order to get off early. When I arrived, the day was still quiet. The only thing I knew in the news world was the story about Michael Jordan. I worked for a relocation company at Cendant Mobility. One of my jobs was to help USAA members relocate. It was strictly military or retired military. My work days were spent on the phone with Sergeants, Lieutenants, Colonels and maybe their wives, placing them with a Real Estate Broker who would assign them to a listing and/or buyers agent. These members were all over the world. I had a sheet of paper posted in my cubicle reminding me of time zones so I didn't make the mistake of calling someone in Germany or Japan at the wrong time of day. When my phone rang, I never knew who would be on the other end of the phone or where they would be calling from. But on September 11th, I remember someone very specific that I spoke with. It was a wife of a man in the military that has just been transferred to the Pentagon. Her husband was staying in an apartment near the Pentagon while she stayed in Florida with their children to sell the house. After the house sold, the entire family would move. Her call was to let me know that she needed to get in touch with a realtor in Virginia to begin the search for a new home. I had spoken with her before so the call was brief. After hanging up, I made a note to follow up in 24hrs to make sure a buyers agent had made contact. I don't remember the exact time, but I do remember this. She was the last member I spoke with on the phone for the rest of the day. My phone quit ringing. I continued making phone calls but was only able to leave messages. The office began to get crazy. My co-workers and my boss had arrived. September 11th had officially begun.

My boss was an extreme sports fan. I think I heard him discuss sports more than anything else. Sometimes I wondered whether or not he really worked. My little cubicle was next to his much bigger cubicle. At the top of each cubicle was plexiglass so I could see him and all of my co-workers. I got along great with my boss and we joked with each other pretty much all throughout the day. While there was respect, there was also a great deal of comfort. I could hear all of his conversations and many times I would interrupt or butt in with a smart remark. This was acceptable in our boss/employer relationship. My boss had a friend that worked for another department that came over to his cubicle every single day to talk about the last football game they had watched or what was going on in their fantasy football world. I could see Jose walking towards my boss, Gabe. And this is when the memories begin that will forever be in my mind for as long as I live. As I see Jose walking towards Gabe, I stand up and hang over the cubicle to talk to both of them. Jose says, "Did y'all hear the news?" And I respond with, "Who cares! Michael Jordan is coming out of retirement!" Quickly I realize that Jose is not referring to Michael Jordan. "No stupid! A plane just crashed into the World Trade Center!

At that moment I was not thinking New York City. My mind was in total shock! I was wondering how on earth a plane could crash into the World Trade Center in Dallas. Instantly I see coworkers running to the break room at work. I followed. Before I could even get to the door of the breakroom where the TV was, I heard everyone erupt. It was at that moment that the second plane hit. My Boss' boss stayed in the breakroom. He was also a retired Colonel in the Army. The Colonel (this is what we called him) made almost everyone go back to their desks until he realized he couldn't keep people away. This was serious stuff and no one understood what was going on. Since our job was to help those in the military we were informed to not make outgoing phone calls but to continue taking incoming calls. The Colonel wanted us to be sensitive to what was going on and making phone calls to those in the military was not a good thing on a day like 911. But the phones quit ringing, there were no calls to take. From the time the second plane hit until flight 93 crashed in Pennsylvania, a lot was being said about planes unaccounted for. There was a rumor that one was headed for Dallas. There were even rumors that our entire country was under attack and that bombs and explosives could be planted anywhere and everywhere. As the world waited and many of us froze in fear just trying to understand what was going on, I called my husband. We had only been married for five weeks and I just wanted to talk to him. I wanted to know he was safe and I wanted to feel safe. My mom called me from Houston where she lived at the time. She was crying. In Houston the media was busy scaring residents by reminding them of how close there were to NASA. Some news reporters were reporting that a plane was headed for Houston and that they could be a target. Finally, every plan was accounted for and nothing was in the sky.

My apartment and my job was just a couple of miles away from DFW airport. Any moment I took to stop and look or listen for a plane, I would see or hear one. But all airline travel had come to a halt. There was nothing on TV except for live coverage of the attacks. I couldn't sleep, I could barely eat. The only thing I did was watch the news with the rest of the world. That night our church called an emergency prayer meeting. I remember walking into the church. The lights were dim, no one was talking, no one was smiling, everyone was in total shock. We didn't feel safe, we no longer trusted. Instead we feared. Was it over? Was more to come? How could this happen to the United States of America? How?

This picture terrifies me because this is when people began jumping out of the building.

Today on September 11th, my life is much different. I have two kids and I am pregnant with my third. The world is not as safe as it used to be. My kids will learn what a Threat Advisory means and what all the different colors signify. Currently, at this very moment, we are at level yellow. This means there is a significant risk of terrorists attacks. In fact, I don't think we have ever been below a level yellow since 911. And someday my kids will wonder what I was doing when 911 occurred. "Where were you Mom? Were you scared? Could this happen again?" My kids will grow up in a world that is not near as safe as it used to be. They will live in a world that gets worse every single day. How can I protect them? How can I keep their world safe and pure? How can I teach them to not live in fear, when most of us continue to wonder when, not if, this will happen again?

All weekend I have watched programs about 911. My husband doesn't like to watch any of it and was annoyed that I was so glued to the TV. I was the same way with the Hurricane Katrina coverage and the follow up programs a year later. Whenever there is a documentary on JFK and his assassination, I watch. Maybe it's sick, maybe it's a bad thing to spend time watching something bad happen all over again. But for me, I want to remember. I want to remember the events that changed our world forever. It helps me to not take this life for granted and helps me realize that when I am having a bad day or throwing a pity party for myself, my life is not that bad. I did not personally suffer from those tragedies but many others did. So why shouldn't I try to feel their pain too? We owe it to all of the victims of 911. For they deserve to carry a lighter load! Some of them did not even have a body to say goodbye to. Babies were born without fathers. Mothers died and never realize when they kissed their children goodbye that morning that they would never see them again. How dare us forget what happened that day!

I don't think I was ever able to get in touch with the precious woman I had talked to on the phone that morning at work. Was her husband injured or killed at the Pentagon? Did she spend that entire morning in fear as she tried to get in touch with her husband? Did they ever relocate? I am sure that no matter what, their lives changed.

What about us? How has our life changed? How can we make sure we never forget what happened? May we always remember what it was like before. Getting on an airplane was simple, a mindless thing. We never thought about what shoes would could wear on the plane to make the check in through security fast and easy. We didn't think twice about bringing a pair of tweezers or even a pocket knife on the plane. We probably did not even look at passengers and wonder of they could possibly be terrorists. Our day to day routine was thoughtless. But not now, not ever again! So today as I think about where I was, who I was and what I was doing on September 11th, I think about how our world is probably not much safer. I hope and pray that it is. I support our President, I trust him. I would not want anyone else in office during times like this. But as a believer, as a child of God, I know that this world is not destined to get better. Things will only get worse! So I pray that before this happens again, Jesus comes back.

Don't give up Amy!

2006-09-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

I shared with you a while back about the precious young mother names Amy that has cancer. We have been rejoicing with her since she found out she was in remission. Today she found out that she has relapsed. Now they are pursuing with everything they have, a bone marrow transplant. Please go to her site and read her post from today.

As I read her post I kept thinking to myself, "Don't give up Amy! Don't give up!" So please post Amy's name on your bathroom mirror, your computer, your refrigerator, inside your car, whatever, plaster her name on your HEART! She needs ALL of our prayers.

Let's give her much needed strength by fighting this battle with her. The only way we can do that is through PRAYER! So, get to praying ladies and pray like you never have before!
We serve an amazing God! He can heal Amy, he can wipe this cancer completely out! For by HIS stripes, Amy can be HEALED! In Jesus' name!

http://wilhoite.blogspot.com/

What about forgiveness?

2006-09-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

My OB/GYN is not only my doctor but I would consider him to be a good friend to me and Jeremy both. I have known him since I was nineteen years old. Actually before I knew him, my step-sister worked for him and he delivered my nephew and niece. We figured this out later on but my parents can actually say that my Doctor has delivered all of their grandbabies. Kind of cool! When I was single I attended the same church as him and his family. While I was attending the church I sang on the vocal team. Every single time I sang a solo, my Doctor and his son, who was only six or seven years old at the time, would walk up and say how much they enjoyed my song. Back then I did not know that this man was a doctor! In fact, I called him by his first name! He played basketball in the sports ministry and I would see him there all the time while I was volunteering at the games. His family came to every game and they always spoke to me and seem to really be interested in me as a person. It was during that time I began to volunteer in the youth and I got to know their daughters. Since I was single, his daughters and the Pastor's daughter would sometimes spend the night at my apartment. I took them to do silly things like drive by the Four Seasons Hotel where the Backstreet Boys were staying and scope out the parking lot trying to find their tour bus. By this time I knew that their Dad was a Doctor. Not just any doctor but an OB/GYN! Being the lonely single gal that I was, I even got to join his family for dinner a couple of times. I loved spending time with them! I loved his kids, his wife and felt blessed to know them.

I had never been to the Gynecologist before. I was almost twenty one years old and I knew that I needed to have my first exam. This was terrifying to me. I found out that a ton of women in the church including many of the Pastor's wives used him as their doctor. His wife even encouraged me to use him as my doctor. At first I felt weird but my appointment went great! During my exam he began to tell the nurse about my singing. He told her that his seven year old son had a crush on me. He did everything he could to not allow me to feel uncomfortable. And now, ten years later, he is still my Doctor and I would never change!

But a lot has changed. My Doctor is no longer married to the same person. He went through a terrible, nasty, very public divorce. His name was slaughtered among church members and as you might guess, he no longer attends that particular church. I left when I was still single but continued to talk to him and his girls and also remained a patient. He has always been honest and has never proclaimed to be the perfect one through the divorce that happened several years ago. I know he isn't perfect and I know that he has made some mistakes but I also know more than that. I know the other side of the story. I know more than just the gossip that went on. The best account almost always comes from the children and the children adore their father. All three lived with him instead of their mother. Since the kids were living with him, his parenting was criticized, his reputation, his practice. Those patients of his that went to the church quit coming. But not all of them! Actually, almost every single time I am in the waiting room at his office, I see an old church member waiting to see him. And guess what? They still go the the same church! So not everyone gave up on him. Some decided to look beyond his mistakes, some decided to look beyond the sin and realized that they may not have all the facts. For only one fact remains, he's the best darn OB/GYN in the metroplex!

About a year ago I was attending a weekend retreat for a home business I was a part of. While attending the retreat I was surrounded by many women that went to the church my Doctor and myself used to attend. One of the ladies found out that I still went to him and that my kids were delivered by him. She began to tell me that she used to go to him but after all that happened she switched. At the point I knew I was not going to like the conversation but she took it a step further. She encouraged me to switch and also said some pretty bad things about him. The things being said about him had nothing to do with his professional career. No one said he wasn't a good doctor! It was all about his personal life. I decided to tell this woman that there are two sides to every story but by her response I knew she did not like hearing me say that. The subject was dropped and I continued being a patient of my Doctor. Right around the same time my husband and I were out to dinner with a couple that was a lot older than us. We had visited their church and even their Sunday School class. Through conversation we found out that my Doctor not only delivered my children but their children too. I was so excited! Their children were college age, mine were little. Wow. I was amazed at how popular my doctor was! As the conversation progressed, I soon found out that this woman had also quit using my Doctor. She was friends with a lady that was friends with my Doctor's ex-wife. I began to hear once again all kinds of stuff about my doctor. Horrible things! This time things were being said about him professionally that I knew were not true. You don't get the title "Chief of OB" at a Baylor hospital for nothing! So I ignored the comments and continued being his patient.

Two weeks ago I sat with my husband in an exam room after having a sonogram and talked with my Doctor. We didn't talk about the baby, the pregnancy or anything to do with my health. We talked about him. A few months ago he remarried. He has been with this sweet lady for years and his relationship with her has caused great controversy. His kids absolutely love her and not only is she his wife but his lead nurse. They have worked together for years and years. So you can see where the drama comes in. He told me that they have found a church that they really like and explained how hard it is to get over the pain of people shunning him. He not only lost a marriage but a church, friends and even patients. Many would say he brought it on himself but I would say that he is a man that made mistakes and needs God's forgiveness just like the rest of us!

How long do we make someone pay? How long do we have to talk about their sin? How long must we whisper about what we have "heard" or what we have "seen"? How long do we email back and forth about how we don't like someone? How long must we sit on the phone and murder with our tongues? What gives us the right to shred someone's reputation? Why is the church the biggest culprit of destroying one's character? Why do Godly women sit around and talk about things they have no business talking about? And what about Bible Studies and prayer requests? How often do we say "Well, I heard.." or "Well, I don't want to gossip, but..."?? The Bible says in Proverbs that even a fool can be found wise if his tongue is kept silent! But for some reason, we feel the need to talk about it. Get it out there, tell the world, kill someone with your words, talk about all the things you don't like! Isn't that what we do?

Just the other day I picked up the phone to call someone and tell them about something regarding another person. We sat for a few minutes and ripped the person apart. Later that day, the Holy Spirit showed me that my phone call was something that set itself up against all that God was creating in me. It was wrong! I knew that when I called this friend that my friend would listen and I knew she would agree with everything I was saying. It felt good, but only for a moment. It did not help, it did not fix anything, it was useless! God has been doing something new in me once again. Whenever He does, He spends a lot of time showing me some things that don't fit. Gossip or saying negative things is one that I truly want to be overly sensitive to. I really want to be one of those people that those around me would NEVER EVER feel comfortable gossiping to. I want them to think, "Wow. I have never heard Amanda say one bad thing about anybody!" That's the kind of woman I want to be!

I sure love my Doctor. I love him as a person and friend too. Who am I to sit back and judge? Instead I have spent many hours praying for him and for his decisions. I love his children and I pray that they can come away from all of this divorce, church crap and gossip knowing that it doesn't matter what everyone says about you. Instead of talking bad about him, I chose to stand by him even when he was wrong. Isn't that what being a Christian is all about? How long do we have to make someone pay? Christ already covered their sin, He has forgiven them! Shouldn't we?

I love my friends!

2006-09-06T05:31:00.000-07:00

(I am having major blogger issues. So if I am on your bloglines and my post shows up MANY times. Sorry! It's bloggers fault!)

A couple of months ago I really began to pray about my relationships/friendships . There are those that I talked to on the phone but never really see. Those that I strictly email because we can never find the time to meet up. Then there are my close friends that make time to see me and I make time to see them. These type of friends are on the front row of my life and we have a foundation and history that makes our friendship so special. I truly trust the people on the front row. Recently I have become friends with a few bloggers. We have talked on the phone, read the Bible together, prayed for one another and chatted daily on email. These women/bloggers live too far away to meet. Maybe someday it will happen but for now our friendship is limited to email and phone calls. As I prayed about all of these relationships, from friends to friend bloggers to just acquaintances, I asked God for something very specific. I asked for clarity. I prayed that God would show me those that I needed to truly invest in. I asked Him to show me those that I can trust and those that I know will always be true to me. That is hard to find.

Several years ago it was very hard for me to grasp that people sometimes are in our lives for only a season. Just recently I had a conversation with a friend that was in my Wedding and I was in hers. We email each other all the time but we never really see each other. I have kids, she doesn't. I stay at home, she works an amazing job that allows her to travel the world. Also we live almost an hour away from each other. Our priorities are different, our friends are different, there is not very much we have in common anymore. During our conversation, we actually talked about this. But I know that if I needed her, she would be there. I know that when baby Ezekiel is born, she will be there. She is always there for the important things. We may not meet for dinner or talk on the phone as much as we would like but we trust our relationship and we know that even though time passes, we still love each other very much. There was a season where we met for dinner on Friday nights and then went country dancing with all of our single friends. We talked all the time and spent many weekends hanging out. In High School we would chat in the hall and giggle about silly things. We have history, we have a foundation so I am okay with our season of non-stop communication being over. She will always be a part of my life.

I used to meet people, have a connection and give my heart away. I longed to be a friend and to have a friend. But it's funny how I have changed. Actually I love the fact that I am changing in this way. I don't have to have a ton of friends! I don't want to hang out with everyone I talk to on the phone or everyone I email. Some relationships are meant just for that. When I spend time with other women and I feel like maybe this could be a potential friendship, I have started really praying. I ask God for an extra amount of discernment when choosing friends. He knows what I need and He knows what the other person needs. And this I can really rest in because I know He will protect me. Some may think this sounds a bit extreme but I haven't guarded my heart in the past so I have to be careful when choosing friends. We all do. When I truly seek Him in my friendships, it works. I don't feel like I do all the calling or I am the one always making the plans. My feelings are not constantly getting hurt and I am not wondering whether or not this person is being true/loyal to me. I know. Friends will always mess up, friends will hurt us, shock us and behave badly. But the difference is, you know their heart and you always give them the benefit of the doubt.

I guess I write this today because I am so thankful for the clarity God has given me in my relationships. I KNOW who sits on the front row and I am totally, 100% comfortable with who is there. And the cool thing is, I sit on their front row too. I am probably the loudest, most gregarious one on their row and they LOVE me for it! So I can rest. I can rest in who I am and rest when I am with them. Oh how I LOVE my friends.

Today I want to honor those incredible women in my life. Some have been in my life for a long time, a few years or maybe a few months. But each of these women God has shown me are in my life for a very specific reason, to trust and to share my heart with. I am so thankful for each of them. Thank you ladies for being in my corner and loving me. Thank you for your encouragement and for uplifting me. I KNOW that you truly desire God's best for me. I love you.

Kelly Ann has been in my life since eighth grade. She is my rock. We talk every day, sometimes several times a day. In a few weeks, we will begin our craft fair journey and decorate our homes for Fall. And the thing about Kelly is, she knows EVERYTHING about me! I think we even kissed some of the same boys in junior high and high school! UGH! I love you Kelly Ann. From passing notes in school to raising our kids, we have made the journey. Who would have thought? Bedford Junior High, L.D. Bell High school and now SpiderMan Birthday parties!

Rebecca lived across the street from me for almost four years. A little over a year ago, we moved. Oh how I miss her! We still get together at least once a month and talk on the phone EVERY SINGLE DAY. She is the FUNNIEST person I have ever met. She is also my biggest fan and tells me I am a star all the time. Burping and farting in our relationship is totally acceptable! That's right, I said farting! She will be in the room when Ezekiel is born so this is a good thing! I lobe you Rae Rae!

Courtney is my recipe queen and my fellow pregnant friend! We are both pregnant with our third! We used to live down the road from each other, then I moved and we met at the mall as much as we could. But now she had to move to Indiana! Again, we talk almost every single day! The first time I met Courtney, I KNEW we would be lifelong friends. No lie! I love you Courtney. You are my "go to" for soooooooooo many things in my life. Plus we have to love each other if Josiah is going to marry Taylor!

Tiffanyis the biggest cheerleader in my life and when someone hurts me, she is my biggest defender. I love how she thinks I am always the right one! She truly carries my burdens and I can't wait to see how God allows our ministry paths to cross. We have the deepest spiritual conversations and then have no problem talking about fashion! I would expect nothing less from a woman that is married to a fashion designer! He has big plans for us Tiffany! I love you so much!

You four gals are on the front row of my life! I can see your smiling faces, I can hear your cheers. You make me love who I am. I love you so much!

Now I have to celebrate my blogging friends that God has strategically brought my way over the last couple of months. You women are amazing!! I just wish you lived in Texas! I have met so many bloggers that I really like and love. There is no way I could list them all so I leave you with these. You must check these blogs out. These gals are precious, God chasing women! The phone calls and emails make my day!

Paula
Wendy
Dee
Liz

Thank you Lord for all of these women and all the ones I have not mentioned. You have blessed me with amazing friends.

blank walls no more!

2006-09-05T13:08:00.000-07:00

Saturday was garage sale day at my house. I did not have too many people come but enough to make $260.00! So my sweet husband let me spend all of the garage sale money on new stuff for the house. We have been in this house a year and I have not been able to spend much money on decorating. I love to decorate! It's probably one of my favorite things to do. My old house was totally different and I wanted to do something new here and I have much more room now. There has been this huge, blank wall in my living room that has been driving me totally insane. Every single time I walk pass this wall, I long for decor! I was willing to keep those walls blank instead of putting something up there just to fill space. Otherwise the blank wall would have been filled with stuff I didn't really like. I wanted something great! Finally, I have it!

Remember this from a post several months ago?

Finally!!! (and I used to have stuff sitting on my end tables but with babies, it's easier to put picture frames out of reach!)

Jeremy picked out this clock!

I am excited because my home is finally beginning to look like MY home. I got some great pictures for the kitchen too and a beautiful clock. If you read the post back in April about that empty wall, you know how much I have wanted to buy something. The Lord provided! Aren't garage sales great? It's hard moving into a new house. You want everything to be put together and every room to be decorated. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes you have to do it one room at a time. This seems to be a common theme in my life. God is always showing me something new and I thank Him for showing me one thing at a time! Every woman wants to be proud of their home and I was proud of this home when nothing was hanging on the walls. Today I am proud of it even more.

For the past year God has been doing so many incredible things in my life. He has shown me so many new things and blessed me beyond measure. At times it seems to be a long process but when it all comes together, I feel so proud about the woman I am. I hear women say things like, "When I was your age." Or "You won't care about that when you are forty." But you know what? I am pretty darn proud of what the Lord is molding me to be. I still have lots to learn but the process is good and I am learning to rejoice in it. Decorating my home has been a process and there are still many things I want to do. Curtains, a cornice board (Jeremy is making me one this weekend!), new countertops, etc. I can't have it all at once, but I am having fun along the way. One room at a time, one project at a time. Instead of putting stuff up just fill the empty space, I think I will wait.

Sounds like God is trying to teach me something again! And what better way to speak to me than through my walls?

Fashion Statement

2006-08-30T17:34:00.000-07:00

When I think about the title of my mom's blog, I think about how well it fits her. Anyone that knows my mom, knows she does not leave the house without making a fashion statement. The woman is put together! She is one classy chic, that's for sure! Sometimes people give me a hard time for getting dolled up just to go to the grocery store. Isn't that what Texas women do? Well I don't know about it being a Texas thing or not, but it's how my Mom raised me. If I am wearing sandals, my toes better have polish on them and if my nails are polished too, they better match my feet! And when in doubt, accessorize! My mom is the accessory QUEEN! If I am in need of jewelry (which I was for my 30th birthday cruise), I know just where to go. She taught me how to shave my legs, put on my makeup, fix my hair, pose for pictures and be a lady. She taught me how much fun it is being a woman and I love that about her! It's 100% her fault that I have as many shoes that I do. My poppy/step-dad and my husband give us a really hard time about our shoes. And MiMi's closet is heaven on earth for my little Ava Beth. She's not even two yet and she loves to play in MiMi's closet. Actually, I love to play in her closet too! This weekend I am having a garage sale and most of it is my Mom's stuff (I get to keep the money because I got it out of her house). There are a TON of shoes. Also I have quite a pile of shoes and purses too that I am putting in the garage sale. All week I have been making piles of what I will sell. Ava Beth has gone crazy playing in shoes, sun glasses and purses. It's made me so thankful for how my mother has taught me to be a lady and now Ava Beth is learning to do the same! We come from a long line of shoe lovin', God fearin' women!

In honor of my Mom, I wanted to give her blog a plug and encourage you to take the time to read her latest post. Not only does she make a fashion statement with her clothes, shoes and accessories but she does it with her amazing knowledge of God's Word. She has taught me how much I have to rely on His word and rely on it DAILY. So please go on over to Fashion Statement and love on her like you love on me!

Fashion Statement

2006-08-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

MiMi is my grandmother, Amanda is my Mommy! Need I say more?

Do you need order in your home?

2006-08-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

Lately I have had a lot of women ask me, "What do you do for a devotion time/quiet time daily? Do you have one? Do you think it is important to have one daily? How do you find the time?" I honestly feel like a giddy school girl when someone emails me questions like this. To think that God has put me on someone's radar screen and that they feel comfortable asking me for spiritual advice or wisdom really blows me away! I feel so blessed, so honored and amazed that the emails come to my inbox daily. Thank you Lord! Thank you for using me. I am a huge testimony that God can use imperfect people. In fact, that's the kind of men and women He longs to use.

Let's go back to the question/questions I am emailed a lot. "What do you do for a devotion time/quiet time daily? Do you have one? Do you think it is important to have one daily? How do you find the time?" I think a lot of women, including myself, put unrealistic expectations on ourselves. We have a list in our mind of things we need to do in a month, a week or even just a day. We may compare ourselves to other moms (a dangerous thing to do) and try to do things like them. The problem with that is, God did not create us to be someone else! Some moms homeschool, some don't. Some moms sit down and read books to their kids every single day or they may not allow television or sugar in their children's diet. When we compare ourselves to other women, we will always feel like we have failed. At times I find myself wanting to be the best mother, wife, cook, decorator, fashion expert and bible reading machine there is. But how exhausting is that? When Josiah gets to kindergarten, there will probably be a mom that can make better cupcakes than me! Perish the thought! There may be a better "Room Mom" than me. I pray even now that God will not allow me to get caught up in things like that. It may sound silly, but many moms do. We put so much of our security in this role called "Mom" that we don't even let ourselves begin to think about failing. We do things like make schedules and post them on our refrigerator. I had one once, but I took it down. I am not saying schedules are bad but mine set me up for failure. Professional women have bad days at the office, they miss deadlines, they make a mistake, they are late for a meeting or they may even get called into the bosses office. What about us Moms? Are we not allowed the same kind of day? It's okay for your child to have a day of too much TV. It happens! It's okay if you miss a storytime, a play group or a devotion time with your kids. If you yell or do something that hurts their feelings, it's okay. Your kids will be okay! I am not saying we shouldn't work on these things, we should. But the very fact that you are home with them every single day fulfills a need in their life that no one else can fill. And if we put so much pressure on ourselves as Mom's, you can bet it will spill over into our spiritual life. We do the same thing in our relationship sometimes with the Lord. If we can't read our Bibles daily, if we can't have a prayer time, then we get down on ourselves OR we just choose to not do it because we don't want to feel guilty.

Do I have a daily quite time? I try with every ounce of my being to do so. I do not do it out of guilt or obligation. I do it because I know how much I need that time with my Lord. But here's the deal. My time with Him has changed over the last six months because I realized the pressure I was putting on myself. We have grown up hearing about a "quiet time". We have this idea in our minds that we have to pray for this amount of time or read for this amount of time. That is a dangerous mindset because it's overwhelming, it's a big expectation to put on ourselves. God is not mad when we don't do this. But then there is the opposite side to that. Attending church, having a weekly bible study or home group, is not your personal time with the Lord. How can you possibly win others to the Lord without reading His word? How can you fall in love with him more and more without studying His promises? How can you fight battles without memorizing and meditating on his scriptures? How can you be the best Wife and Mother He has called you to be without eating the bread He gives through the Bible? You can't! You can't soak up everything from others! A bible study with your friends cannot take the place of personal time with him! Church should only help us, it's not there to be our everything spiritually. As women our mindset has to change when it comes to being Godly women. The way we have tried to do it, doesn't work. Something new has to happen.

A few nights ago I watched Beth Moore on the James Robinson show preach a powerful messaged. She didn't speak, the woman preached! As I listened to her, I was in complete and total shock of how much that woman knew the Word of God. She didn't get there over night. It's like I said in yesterday's post, the Proverbs 31 woman had a lifetime to leave the legacy she did. She did not live that life in one day, it was her whole life! Beth Moore has had years of studying His Word, it did not happen overnight. Sunday morning I listened to Joyce Meyer. Another woman that is FILLED with God's Word. Saturday I listened to Lucy Swindoll, Patsy Clairmont, Sheila Walsh, Nicole Johnson, Thelma Wells (my favorite) and many more speak about the things God has done in their life. All of these women spoke of God's Word like it TRULY meant something to them. As Godly women, isn't that what we should strive for? Isn't that what we should work hard at knowing? God's Word?! It's better than any novel, any devotion, any book! It gives us life! And I need it! Oh how I need it!

So this is what I do. Right now I have COMMITTED to reading one chapter a day of a particular book. I also read Proverbs every day too. I try to do it in the morning but sometimes one of the kids wakes up before me. I try to do it during nap time but sometimes I have something else I am doing. I really try to make that time sacred but it doesn't always happen that way. I may have to read in the bathroom while using the restroom or taking a bath. I may have to do it when everyone is asleep. But I do it! When I make it a part of my day, it changes me. Today I started reading the book of Genesis with my best friend and with a lady who reads my blog. We don't see each other when we read, we don't do a bible study to go along with it. We call each other or email each other to communicate that we have read. It's nice to have accountability. As I read, I pray for these women and I pray that God will give us revelation as we read His word. It's powerful! It's amazing the things God teaches me. Also, it helps my flesh come under submission. I would much rather walk in the spirit than walk in the flesh. How about you?

Think about this. If you had a problem or a need that you needed to share with someone, would you want to share it with a woman that his been in God's Word or a woman that has been buried in a Nicolas Sparks book? Seriously. What is coming out of our mouths? What do our words say about who we are as women? As stay at home moms or wives, we have a responsibility and unless you are being fed by the Word of God, you can't expect your home, your children, your marriage, your relationships or even your self esteem to be in order. We have to get our priorities straight and everything else will line up. Everything else will have order! It will not happen overnight, it can't. In the first chapter of Genesis, everything took time. God didn't create EVERYTHING in one day. Each day was something new. He took time to plan it out. The same goes for our life. Each day is something new. It can't happen all at once, not even God works that way. While I would love to have the wisdom that Beth and Joyce, I realize it will take time to get there. But why not start now? Why not try to be all that God wants me to be now? Why not start today? When I get too busy, when my Bible needs dusting, may I start over!

One more thing. (I know this is long! Aren't all of my posts?!) Thelma Wells, one of the speakers at Women of Faith, talked about a woman and her cell phone. It was comical but so true. If we leave our cell phone at home, we turn around and drive back to get it. If we can't find it, we freak out! So we wear it on our hips, keep it in our purse and we never go ANYWHERE without it. Thelma said, "What if we treated our Bibles like we treat our cell phones? What if we wore it on our hips, carried it in our purses or drove home to get it when it was forgotten? We would never find dust on our cell phones! And we probably read more text messages in the cell phone than we do in our Bibles!"

That got me thinking and I just want to encourage all of you to get out that Word and read it as MUCH as you can! It's worth it! You need it! You will be amazed at how one chapter a day can change your life. I started with Genesis, chapter one today. There is a lot of meat in Genesis. We like to talk to our grandparents about our heritage and where we came from, well Genesis does kind of the same. So If you want to go back with me and read about the beginning, join in! I just started today! His Word will change you, His Word will bring victory, His Word will bring life! Do this and watch how things come together. Make this a priority and everything else will fall into place. This is the only thing that will bring order to your life.

Feeling good about me

2006-08-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

Many of you are asking, "How was Women of Faith?" Well, it was wonderful. While I was there, I kept asking the Lord to allow my spirit to soak up everything. I wanted to really "get" what I was supposed to "get". Yesterday was busy so I did not get a chance to think about all that the Lord showed me on Saturday. But today I have spent some time thinking and praying about the things these mighty women of God shared on Saturday. Today I am processing so much from the conference. Once I do, I will share with you some amazing things that took place.

For the past several weeks I have really been struggling with keeping my house clean, laundry, menu planning, etc. Now I would never want to sound like a domestic goddess because I am not! Some may think so but I would never look at myself in that fashion because most days I feel like I am wingin' it! How about you? But lately I have really struggled. A wonderful blogging friend, Keri, really encouraged me last week with this post on her blog. It's always nice to be able to reach out and grab something and claim it for yourself and her post was something I really felt and needed. So I took it in and really began to pray about order in my home. As I read Proverbs 31, I am sometimes overwhelmed. I have to remind myself that this is a story of one woman's lifetime. It's not a story about one day in her life, it's her life. She had a lifetime to be the Proverbs 31 woman. Does that make sense? And though I would truly like to model her life, it's very difficult. Some days are tougher than others. But then I have good days when everything flows smoothly in my house. I spend time in God's Word, the kids behave, we sit at the table to work on writing Josiah's name, I color with Ava Beth, the laundry is folded instead of on the couch for days and dinner is waiting on my husband when he gets home. My kids are in order, I am in order, my home is in order and this really makes my marriage in order. This is what I need as a stay at home mom and wife. When things are not running right, when things are in total disarray, our home suffers.

It's a horrible feeling. I hate feeling like my mind is on an untuned radio station! My mind is full of nothing but static! As I sat at Women of Faith on Saturday, I began to think about how much I needed to get things in order in my house. So when I got home, that's what I did! Today I feel so much better. The laundry is almost done. My pantry is full, my menu is planned out for the entire week (SO NO EATING OUT AMANDA!), my bathrooms are CLEAN, my closet is clean, the kid's rooms are clean, everyone is dressed and out of pajamas before 10am, I have spent time with the Lord and I even made a homemade chocolate cream pie! Even though it's not Fall, it looks fallish outside today and I felt like baking. Plus I need to get my tail in gear for this coming up soon! I even made a homemade pie crust (which is very easy by the way) and the only thing left to do is the meringue (another very easy thing to make). Jeremy will be very happy to come home and find one of his favorite deserts sitting on the table!

And you know what? All of this stuff makes me feel good about who I am! This is the kind of day that truly fulfills me. This is when I feel like I am truly doing what God has called me to do. Sometimes it's really hard. I struggle with staying consistent. But today as the kids slept and I baked, I prayed that God would help me in this area. I want to be the best at taking care of my family. I want Josiah, Ava Beth and Ezekiel to come home from college at Thanksgiving with a car load of friends and hear the words, "My mom makes the best pies!" Or "I can't wait to have Mom's Thanksgiving dinner!" or "Mom makes Christmas so special!" I want to start perfecting my legacy! I need HIS help every single day. I cannot do it without him. I love being the heart of my home but I need to get better at keeping it in order. When my home is in order, I can be who God created me to be. Today, that's what I am doing and it feels good.

Proverbs 31:10-31

Sitting in a suite!

2006-08-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

Two posts in the same day means one thing. MY KIDS ARE WITH GRANDPARENTS!!!! I felt like I needed to post something again. I can't even begin to explain how amazing God is. Seriously, He does supernatural things in my life all the time. When He shows up, I KNOW it's Him. I know when He is answering a prayer or blessing me with something exciting! Today has been another day when He has done just that.

About two months ago I started getting the urge to go to Women of Faith. I have never been but I have always listened to it live on a local radio station in Dallas. The only person I knew going to the conference this year was my friend Courtney who lives in Indiana and of course she attended the conference in Indiana last weekend. But two months ago I decided to ask God to make a way for me to go. My prayer was something like this. "Lord, I really would like to go to Women of Faith this year. Please put us at a church that has a group of women going or orchestrate something that would make a clear path for me to go. We don't really have the extra money right now for me to buy a ticket so please make a way." Yep, I was specific and I just plain and simple ask God to send me to Women of Faith this year.

This past week has been a bit of a beating for me. There have been moments of discouragement, confusion and me just being tired and worn out. I completely forgot that Women of Faith was in Dallas this weekend. It never crossed my mind. If I would have thought about it, I would have been disappointed to not be going. Every night this week I was supposed to be working on stuff for a garage sale at my house this weekend. But every single afternoon when my husband got home I told him that I just couldn't get it together. I kept suggesting we do our garage sale next weekend. He told me not to worry about pricing things yet, we would do it Friday night together (tonight) since the kids would be at his mom's. So we continued to plan for tomorrow. Despite the 100 degree weather, I was game for a garage sale. Last night while I was sitting in my bathtub reading my Bible, I had a sweet moment with the Lord. I love that I can talk to Him all anytime I want, I love that Jesus really is my friend. It's so incredible to think that I AM A FRIEND OF GOD! (Which is one of my favorite songs to sing!) But as I cried out to Him while trying to relax in the tub, I ask him once again for something very specific. "Lord, I am tired. I need a break. I need some encouragement, I need to be refreshed!"

I figured that my prayer would be answered by me having some alone time today while the kids spent the night with grandparents. That always revives me! But God had something different in mind. Right before the kids left, the phone rang. It was a number I did not recognize but I answered. It was my next door neighbor that I had at my old house. (We moved over a year ago from that house) That is a neat story in itself! She is one of the first women that I had the privilege of discipling. God did some amazing things in her life and we spent many hours praying together. Anyway I have not spoken with her in almost a year! I was surprised by her call but excited too. And then, this happened! "I have just been given two VIP tickets, plus a parking pass for Women of Faith this weekend. Not only are they VIP tickets, the seats are in the Mary Kay Suite. We would be in a suite with free food, free drinks and you would not have to pay a dime. As soon as I was given these tickets, I knew I wanted you to be the first one I asked to go. So can you go?"

Garage sale tomorrow? NO! I am going to WOMEN OF FAITH!!!!!!!!!!! You see God never does things half way either! Not only am I going, but I am sitting in a suite! My friend works at the corporate office for Mary Kay and today the Lord gave her favor because she got two tickets at the last minute. Then the Lord gave me favor because I have not talked to my friend in almost a year. She had no idea I had prayed that prayer, she had no idea that I even wanted to go but the Lord put ME on her heart! My kids are with grandparents, my husband is relieved that there is no garage sale tomorrow and I am BLESSED beyond measure! So Jeremy is going to take the boat out and go fishing, which will totally recharge him and I am going to Women of Faith and I am pretty sure I will feel refreshed when I come back home! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS SO GOOD! He has made me giggle today. Thank you Lord!

I think now I will begin praying for Thanksgiving Day Dallas Cowboy Tickets (another dream of mine!). Just kidding! But seriously, never doubt my friend. He cares about every detail of your life and he LOVES to bless you! And you never know, you just might be sitting in a suite!

I am victorious!

2006-08-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

As shocking as yesterday's post may have been to some of you, the responses would probably shock you more. Emails have come that have been instantly deleted and then blocked. Thank God these people do not have my phone number! I have even been told that I am an ungodly woman because of some of the struggles I have mentioned and me sharing that I like to have a glass of wine or margarita has really only made the opinions more harsh. But, through this I have realized that there are so many of you out there like me. Yes the confrontational emails have come my way but I have not read them. However I have received many more emails telling me how much they appreciate me and how they are encouraged by me. I have never thought for one second that everyone would like me or agree with me. That's the beauty of blogging. There is a blog I read from time to time that has viewpoints I completely disagree with and sometimes I leave comments. But I am careful with my words and I make sure the person knows that I still appreciate them and their point of view.

As women we are all so different. Our pasts are different, our experiences, our hopes and dreams. Some of us will connect and have many things to talk about because we feel an instant common bond. In the last month I have become very close to a few blogging friends. We have had bible discussions (we did not always agree on), we have had child raising discussions, marriage discussions or just exchanges childhood stories. We have found a foundation and began to build something on it. There is a bit of a safety net with friends on the internet. I am sure if we all lived by one another the boundaries would be different but since our relationship is on the phone and via email, we get along quite well and both parties feel pretty safe. It's nice too. It's nice to be real and completely transparent with who you are. I think sometimes it is hard for us as women to take a risk and be real among our friends. But when one of us decide to take that risk, it teaches everyone else that it's okay and SAFE to do the same. Many of us wear masks in our relationships and I try really hard not to. So instead of writing all of the things that God is showing me in a journal, I write them on my blog. It's freeing in a way. It holds me accountable! I am naked before a lot of people, I am naked before all of YOU. In return I have women email me and tell me something they are dealing with that they do not even feel comfortable telling their own friends. I love that! I love that God can use my pain or my mistakes to bring freedom to others. Some of the things I write about have made others feel uncomfortable. They tell me that they do not have any marriage troubles, they grew up in a good home, no troubles as a child and they don't really have any troubles now. I think that is pretty awesome and I applaud anyone for being able to live such a pain free life. But that's why this blog may not be for them. I would think if you can't relate to anything I am saying, you would move on. I am praying that yesterday's post will send some of my readers in another direction.

I explained in the beginning of this post that I have deleted many emails after reading the first line. Some emails have said that they look at me as a "hurting" woman. Well, this statement can't be further form the truth. I am a VICTORIOUS woman! I am a woman that has been hurt and I will continue to be hurt from time to time. Life isn't perfect. But my writing has been misconstrued and it leads me to believe that I don't have "readers", I have "skimmers". When I write about difficult subjects, I always, always, always, always end it in a prayer or with some sort of resolution. Or maybe the next day I share how God helped me through that. But many people have obviously not seen that. When I write about my childhood, I am told how bad I need counseling. Well, I am not a woman that walks around the house crying every single day over my childhood but I talk about it because I feel freedom in doing so. I have been through counseling, I have also been through a four month counseling program created by Dr. Phil. Through the counseling I learned to not be ashamed of my story. I am PROUD of my timeline! That timeline has given me the most incredible relationship with the Lord. I know my Savior cares for me and my pain has given me a faith beyond measure. I would not trade anything for what I have now. If me being able to talk about difficult things makes you feel uncomfortable, then I pray you will move on. This blog is not for you. Whether or not I have deleted your comment or your email, I don't really have a fight for you anymore. I have no words to respond with on email so please don't send them anymore. I am a Godly woman, I know that, my family and friends know that but most importantly my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ knows that. For Christ is the one I long to please!

Some women don't want to say this or admit it. But I will. There is a breakdown in women's relationships. We tear one another down. We give unsolicited advice, our opinions and say a lot of things to one another that are not well thought out or prayed over. Our words are loose! Our words can really hurt and destroy. We serve in our church, we sing in the choir, we take care of the babies in the nursery, we blog and post things about Jesus but our words are disgusting. I am guilty, you are guilty, women are guilty of being harsh to one another. It's called judgment! In my home we do Santa Clause and my kids dress up for Halloween. Some of you disagree and would judge me based on that. I would judge you based on the fact that you don't. You get my point? This is what women do. Don't say you don't, you do. When my third child is born, I will try to breastfeed maybe or maybe I will do formula. I don't know but I am praying about it. And I buy babyfood at the store! The thought of making it sends me into convulsion! When it comes to schooling for my children, I lean towards public right now. I am two years away but I do not see myself doing homeschool. But if you do, I honestly think you are amazing. Maybe one of you will be the one to show me it is a real option for me. I don't see me changing my mind but I am not there yet, who knows! But this is me. This is who Amanda is! I am going to continue to try everyday to be the woman God created me to be. Some will like it, some will hate, some will love it, some will even be inspired by it. I am flawed, you are flawed, we are all flawed. But I pray that as Christian women, we can allow the Lord to use blogging as a tool to unite us, instead of tear us apart. What's happened on my blog is only one instance. I came across two women yesterday that shut down their blog because of mean spirited comments. From this point on I am going to pray harder than I ever have before I write things on this blog. We have to realize that God has given us a huge responsibility with our blogs. You may not like an author, a Pastor or you may think mega churches are horrible (I have read this). One of my dear friends was saved in a mega church, so was her little boy AND I went to a mega church for four years and loved it! I even posted something about a contestant on American Idol only to feel convicted later. What if that person googled her name? How would she feel after reading such harsh criticism? That's another blog I deleted. I see this happening, I read it. The blogging world has only made me realize how much more of a problem there is.

I pray that the Lord will reveal my heart to anyone questioning. I know He will fight for me, He always has. But what I have experienced over the last few months has really made me sad. If it means I turn my comments off and keep people from responding for a while, I will. You don't have to agree and I am going to be okay with that. Regardless, I am a victorious woman in Christ. So get ready, I have much more to share about life and what God is teaching me!

(Since I do not use bloglines, I did not know that every single time I add to or edit after writing something, that it would show up in bloglines again. SORRY! So if I am blessed enough to be a part of your bloglines, THANK YOU and please forgive me for editing and adding after I have posted! I don't see me changing this bad habit. :) )

Reclaiming my blog

2006-08-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

My inbox is being flooded with questions? "Where is your last post? Did you delete it? Did I say something to offend you in my comments? Are you okay?" I couldn't believe it! Honestly I did not realize that I had that many people "concerned" with me or my blog. It's nice to know that people care but at the same time it's difficult knowing that so many come to my blog wanting to know what I have to say next. While my comments may not be huge in numbers, my inbox for email tends to be quite full. Many of you feel much more safe with emailing your comments then posting them in the comment section. I understand why. So something I have had to work on in my life is to not take things personal. After reading this post, you may be tempted to think I am talking about you. You may be tempted to email me and ask if I am talking about you. You may be tempted to take it personal. Please don't. Please know my heart and please know that I have prayed about my words regarding this post and my heart longs to please God. Unfortunately I am not always able to please everyone else. But, I am learning that's a good thing!

When I was nineteen years old I began writing devotions. After writing them, I would send them out on email. I have a binded homemade book that a friend sent me a few years ago that was full of my devotions. She spent a lot of time putting my devotions together and then made a beautiful book full of all of my devotions and sent it to me on my birthday. It was priceless! God speaks to me in incredible ways that I can truly take hold of. When he does, I like to write it out. Call them sermonettes, object lessons or whatever but it's stuff that the Lord gives me and I like to share. So last year I discovered blogging. I knew one person that had a blog. I decided after reading her's a few times that I wanted a blog of my own to write devotions. I had no idea that strangers would read my blog. I did it so my friends and family could read what I was writing. That's what I did it for! When total strangers began coming to my blog, I was excited. My knowledge of the internet or blogs was minimal. I did not even realize how people were finding my blog. It became much more fun! I was now going to blogs, leaving comments and meeting women all over the world. There was something wonderful about blogging for me. As a stay at home mom in a new community, I was lonely. This helped and brought new joy to my days. That is how I started blogging. I love to write, I love it! I don't consider myself to be a great writer and that's not really my purpose. But one thing I do want to be is an anointed writer. I feel called to minister to women and I am passionate about doing so. This blog has helped me to be able to do that and it has helped me find healing in my own life.

So it's been over a year since I started blogging. My first blog no one really came to. It was a site I had to pay for. Then I learned that blogger was free so I switched. That's when I discovered a whole new world. I was shocked! I had no idea that there were particular days of the week that women wrote about recipes, cleaning tips, or posted photos. I was totally unaware of this world I stumbled across. I have never participated in any of those daily or weekly writings on my blog but I have read many of yours and I enjoy it. I don't have anything against it, I just don't choose to do it. My purpose for blogging is different and that's okay. Right? I am often tagged to participate in memes and before blogging I did not even know what that word meant. So I have done one meme in the life of this blog, one. Again I don't have a problem with reading memes, I just don't care to do them. Then I discovered blogging awards. I was shocked! You mean people are being recognized for their blog and receiving awards to display on their site?? Wow. (If I sound bitter about blogging awards, I am not. I am sure I would post my award PROUDLY!) You can also add a site meter to your site to figure who is coming to your blog and where they are coming from? I can actually find out how many people have come to my blog in one day and if they came more than once. Amazing! There are endless things about this blogging world that I did not know about. Moms are obsessed with blogging. I have become obsessed with blogging. I love it! I love being able to write about what I want to write about and I can say whatever I want to say! This is my blog! Right?

But something started happening that I did not particularly care for. Women started giving me advice, giving me their opinions, even diagnosing me. It was gut wrenching! In my writing I have always been honest, open and completely transparent about my life, especially my childhood. Those of you that have read my blog must know by now that I am 100% aware of my crap, I write about it. I reveal to you my crap all the time! I have told you that when I am stressed I want to go buy a pack of cigarettes and that I have smoked many times when I am stressed! Don't worry, I don't now! I am pregnant! But over the past few days if I was not pregnant, I probably would have already smoke an entire pack. And here's the deal, I am not a smoker! You also know that I have stretch marks on my hips and that I have acne scars and that I have yelled at my three and 1/2 year old and that I have called my husband a name! YES! My marriage is not perfect. I have thrown shoes at my husband, I have thrown something into the wall and knocked a hole in the wall. I have cussed! I still struggle with saying DAMMIT! I AM NOT PERFECT and I have never tried to make any of you think I am. I watch too much TV, I like the Black Eyed Peas CD and YES, I do drink alcohol. But those of you that KNOW me, know that I feel convicted for watching all of the reality TV crap that I do and I don't listen to the Black Eyed Peas anymore and I am not at home drinking every single night or every single week. I try not to yell, I pray that God will break me of yelling and I have not thrown anything at my husband in a long time. AND I can't remember the last time I called him a name! But I did say a cuss word just this morning! My blog is a way I can share, journal and be real with the world. Some choose not to share the type of things I do but I feel called to do so. Many would say that If I am going to post the content I do, I should be able to take the feedback I get. But I feel a different way. This is my blog, it's not yours. If I want to write about your life, I will ask your permission. So as I write about mine, I have the right to filter the feedback I receive. I do have a teachable spirit, my family knows that, my friends know that and most of you know that. But I have chosen to reject some of the things that come my way through this blog. The Lord has given me discernment and I can tell the spirit behind some things said to me, I don't like it.

Some comments/emails are women that want to give advice. Even when I have asked at the bottom of my post to not give advice, it still comes. Only God knows the heart behind some of the comments I receive, I am not always sure of the motive. But one thing I am finding is that women have a hard time being "real". If you want to say, "I am praying for you." Great! If you want to say, "Hey, I have been there." GREAT! That's encouragement to me. PLEASE do not treat me like you have beaten all of your demons in life. None of us have. Pain is pain. You may not face the stress of approval addiction or codependency like me. Yours may be jealousy, fear, infertility, weight troubles, marriage troubles, child troubles, grief, depression, anorexia or panic attacks. We all have battles ladies and none of us have it all figured out. We can find freedom, rest and hope and healing from Jesus Christ but we will NEVER be complete until we bow at his feet! Our Lord will do whatever He has to do to remind us that WE NEED A SAVIOR. That;s what happen to me this week. The conflict that came up in my life was a result of me needing a reminder. I needed to be reminded that I am still on a journey and I still need lots of help. Counseling? Maybe so. Prayer? Of course. But through my trial, God showed me that I was not prepared for the conflict that came my way. I had neglected His word, I had not been reading it. My battle was lost because I had nothing to fight with! My mom tells me all the time, "You can't go into battle without your sword!" That's what my conflict taught me and I had a part two planned for the blog I had posted but I deleted the blog.

I deleted the post because my point to the particular post was lost. People came to my blog and to my inbox with their own agenda. An agenda to tell me that I need help and they didn't. There was a lack of humility, a lack of love, a lack of true concern. It hurt me. It made me second guess myself and it invaded my space. So today I have to draw a line in the sand and tell you that I will not allow my boundaries to be crossed anymore. If you comment in my blog with something that does not flow within the vein I am writing in, it will be deleted. If you comment with something that has nothing to do with my post, it will be deleted. If you comment with your own agenda, it will be deleted. If you try to diagnose me, it will be deleted. If you correct my grammar, it will be deleted. Often I will have comments based on comments of others, I do not want this happening. I do not want my comment section turned into a chat room on how to counsel Amanda with her troubles. When I write, it is raw, it is my stuff and I own it, so please don't try to take it away from me and make yourself look good. Those are the boundaries. If you do not wish to abide by these, do not read my blog anymore.

The enemy is real. He is alive and kickin'!Blogging is just another area where he would like to take control. I will not let that happen. It's time for me to walk to the enemy's camp and take back many things he has tried to steal from me this week. My blog is the first thing I am taking back!

Since I am aware of how God is constantly molding me, I have to ask myself a very important question. As I ask myself this, I take another risk of my problems being answered by some of my readers. Hopefully after this post, that will not happen but here it goes! Why have I let this blogging thing bother me? Why have I let some of your comments hurt me? Once again, I am on a journey to figure that out but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let me be counseled by those I am in covenant with and let me be counseled by HIS word and by HIS spirit.

Happy Birthday Jeremy!

2006-08-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

Today is Jeremy's 31st birthday. Last year we stayed at the Gaylord Texan for his 30th. This year is going to be a little less extravagant but fun too. Yesterday I made a birthday cake for him and tonight we are going to his parents house to celebrate with all of his family. I saw someone do this on their blog for a birthday so I thought I would copy and do the same. Here it goes!

31 Things I love about my husband!
(in no particular order)

1. He is a man's man. Hunter, fisherman, a total outdoorsman! I love that!

2. He loves sports but he is not the type of man that HAS to watch sports center! THANK YOU GOD! I could not handle that!

3. He can build anything! With all of the tools he has, there is nothing that man can't build!

4. He can fix ANYTHING! ANYTHING!

5. He brags constantly on my cooking/baking and brags to other people.

6. When I am singing somewhere, he gets nervous for me.

7. When we are out to dinner, he pretends like he is Rachel Ray on her $40 a day show. After he takes his first bite, he gives me the total run down on the food. This is HILARIOUS! (you would have to see her show. she is quite crazy over her bites of food)

8. He is always trying to come up with a name for our very own show on the Food Network. He says this is how we should be making money! I agree.

9. He is the MOST hands on Dad I have ever seen! He does not make me do everything. He actually gives the baths too!

10. He always notices my new outfits and shoes! Okay, maybe this is a bad thing. :)
He pays attention and I like that!

11. He tells me everything and I do the same with him. There is nothing we hide or keep from one another.

12. He is funny. You would not think this because he is shy. But he is the funniest person I know.

13. He changes more diapers than me when he is at home!

14. He is affectionate. I have to work on this one. He is the first one to hold hands. Always.

15. He is a man of integrity. He is respected at the city gates. My husband's reputation is GOLD.

16. He is a servant. He will help anyone and he would not want the credit.

17. He takes me fishing. When I catch more than him, he doesn't get mad. He's proud of me!

18. He does not gossip, he hates it. If he hears me saying something ugly about someone, I get in trouble!

19. He is kind and gentle. He would never be forceful or confrontational. Never!

20. Why did I wait until #20 to say this? HE IS HOT! Yes, that's right! My husband is HOT!

21. He has worked for UPS for almost 13 years. He is a very hard worker and loyal to the bone.

22. He is extremely stable. He has brought so much stability to my life and I needed that.

23. He is the best looking UPS man you have ever seen! I will promise that one!
People joke with me all the time and ask if he is on the UPS calendar. I always call him Mr. January! :)

24. He is dark, very tan all year around. I love this! Olive skin! My kids got his coloring too! Yeah!

25. He is in love with me! A friend of mine told me not too long ago that she could see how Jeremy worshipped the ground I walked on. That was an incredible compliment. But she was right. I know he is my biggest fan in life. He adores me.

26. He has a country boy accent, you know kind of like Matthew McConaughey. He grew up in a small, small town. I like that about him! You should hear him say "babe." That's what he has ALWAYS called me.

27. He reads his Bible every single day, without fail! He is always in the Word! He reads the Bible to the kids.

28. He is a country boy that loves sushi! Thank you Lord! That's what he gets for marrying a city girl!

29. He cleans! He is VERY clean! You should see his side of the closet! When he was a bachelor I discovered right away how clean he was. He wipes down the sink. No water drops in the sink!

30. He is an amazing Father! Amazing! He loves our babies with everything he has.
They adore him! When they hear that garage door go up every afternoon, they run to him! I mean RUN!

31. My husband loves the Lord. He is a Godly man. He prays for me and for our kids. I find so much strength in that.

Okay, this is hard because I have to stop. There is so much more I could write about my husband. Soooooo much more! I think we should all do this sometimes with our spouses. When you start writing all these things out, you realize how blessed you are. Our marriage is not perfect and I do get mad sometimes and want to ring his neck but Jeremy is my safe place. I know I am loved by him. I know I can trust him. I know that he will always protect me and take care of me. He works so hard to take care of his family and provide for us. There is NO ONE more blessed than me! :) That's how all wives should feel about their husbands. It's a journey at times but I am so, so, so thankful that God chose me to be Jeremy's wife.

Babe, I love you. You are truly my best friend. You are the most incredible father to our children. Your character has made me a better person. I am truly a better person because of you. I am so proud of you my love. Happy 31st Birthday!

Excited about church!

2006-08-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

This morning I am excited about church! I can't believe I just typed that. If you were to read this, you would be surprised too. But we are going back to where our life as a couple began. This is the church where we met five and a half years ago and also the church where my husband was saved and baptized about eight years ago. It was a long thoughtful and prayerful process so explaining how we decided to go back and visit would take a while. But God has clearly orchestrated this day.

I am prayerful, I am hopeful. We need a home, we need a place our family can grow. Last time we were there, we were newlyweds. Now we have two kids and one on the way! A lot happens in five years! I have been up since early morning praying about today, praying that God would show us the way. Praying that my husband will have an open mind and heart. So if you are reading this before you head out for worship, pray for us.

Lord, we need your guidance. Shout in our ears, let your answer be clear! Thank you Lord for all that you are doing in our lives. We need you.

Ezekiel

2006-08-18T12:51:00.000-07:00

The Book of Ezekiel has been a book in the Bible I have been studying for the past several weeks. Ezekiel is a man that fascinates me. I have grown up hearing his name in church and I have always known it was the name of a book in the Bible but until recently I never understood what this incredible man was all about. What was His purpose? What is he known for? So, I began to study.

When my husband was saved almost eight years ago, a Bible was given to him that I love to look at sometimes when I am studying specific things. I enjoy looking at different translations and study notes. This Bible is an Inspirational Study Bible by Max Lucado. Max Lucado helped me through some difficult years as a teenager. His books gave me so much hope in my walk with the Lord and I learned so many things about God's love for me. I enjoy his writing, it's easy to read, easy to understand and speaks to the heart. So this Bible I will go to from time to time because of the incredible descriptions he writes about each book in the Bible. What he says about Ezekiel really got me interested in reading the story.

"Out of the ruins of Jerusalem came a gutsy preacher named Ezekiel. He was among the Jews taken to Babylon after the fall of his country. He left behind his city. He left behind his temple. He left behind his home. But he didn't leave his faith. He announced it to everyone who would listen. For twenty-two years he paced the streets proclaiming both sides of the faith. The bad side? Turn or burn. Forgive me for being so direct but Ezekiel was direct. The good side? Turn and learn. God has a great plan for His people. A great city. Justice will reign and worship will be restored. Unlike Jerusalem. God's city is eternal. Who will be in God's city? Ezekiel answers that with the final words of the book-THE LORD IS THERE. Out of the ruins came Ezekiel. Out of the ruins came a promise. Out of the ruins came a new hope. Is your life in ruins? Look ahead to God's city: THE LORD IS THERE." -Max Lucado

There was a point in my life when I felt like my life was in ruins. I did not feel like there was any hope. How would I be able to grow up and have a normal life? How would I ever be a wife or a mother? If I did become a wife and mother, how would I be a good one? All I had ever known was pain, dysfunction, chaos, tragedy. Was it possible to have peace? Was it possible to live a normal life? For so long I heard the spirit of the Lord telling me he would bring me to the other side. I heard Him telling me that my childhood and my teenage years was NOT the final word. So I began to have hope. I began to feel and see that there was hope for my life! Today I am thirty years old. I am married and I have children. I am a wife and mom! And today I know that the Lord was there. THE LORD IS THERE. He brought me out of the ruins. When I felt like I was nothing but dried up bones, he gave me new life!

Ezekiel 37
The Valley of Dry Bones 1 The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know." 4 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! 5 This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath [a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.' " 7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them. 9 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.' " 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet a vast army. 11 Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.' "

As I read that passage, I can't help but to get chill bumps and tears in my eyes. What a mighty God we serve!! I can't help but to shout hallelujah for bringing me out of such a dry and hopeless land! For God spoke to MY bones and He has given me a brand new life. Through the pain, I found my strength! The pain enabled me to become so much stronger than I ever was! And what does the name Ezekiel mean? Ezekiel is Hebrew, "Whom God makes strong." What a name!

So today I would like to introduce you to my Ezekiel, our third child and second boy. Today we officially found out that we are having another boy! Ezekiel Walter. We have been praying that the Lord would give us the perfect name for our son or daughter and we knew that Ezekiel was the perfect choice for a boy. Actually we were never able to agree on a girl name, now I know why. Walter was my grandfather's name, my Mom's Dad. He died many years ago but he was a strong and loving man. I am so happy my son will carry his name on. But we will call our son Ezekiel and probably Zeke. Josiah ( aka Si Si or Siah), our oldest, has already been calling this baby, "baby Zeke". It's perfect! Today as I was reading about Ezekiel, I read the most incredible thing. "Ezekiel was born exactly at the time of the reform in the ritual introduced by Josiah." How perfect is that?! These brothers were meant to be!

I can't believe it! I am a mother of two boys and a girl! Ava Beth will be the reigning princess, no one can take her place. We will be officially out numbered by the males in this house! I think Ava Beth is going to love being in the middle of those brothers. Josiah and Ezekiel will take care of her and she will probably drive them crazy!

Here's a picture of me today. This is for you Barb!

Lord, please don't let me LOSE my mind today!

2006-08-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Update***OH MY GOSH! MY MOM JUST TOLD ME I SPELLED LOSE, LOOSE! ALL DAY IT WAS UP AND I LOOKED LIKE AND IDIOT! UGH!***

I hear screaming in Ava Beth's bedroom. Both of my kids are now crying, screaming and mad at each other. I knew that Josiah would soon run my way and tell me that his little sister had taken his train, his truck or something away from him. "Mommy, sissy just hit me and it hurt!" I looked at him and asked, "Josiah did you hit her first?" He answers, "Yes I did because she took my truck away." By this time Ava Beth has run in crying too. Well she didn't have tears in her eyes at all. I think she was just trying to get in on the action and play on my emotion a little. She put her arms around me and started hugging me and wouldn't let go. She KNEW she was in trouble! It was a moment all of us mothers have. It's the moment you want to laugh as you look at their cute little faces and say something close to this. "Josiah, Ava Beth, we do not hit when we are mad. We do not hit! Ava Beth, do not take your bothers toys away. Josiah you are old enough to come and tell me when she does something to be mean. You don't hit her and you especially do not come in her whining. I cannot hear you when you whine. Both of you change your attitude. Go play. This was your warning. Next time you will both go to timeout." Ava Beth is one and a half years old. Does she understand what I am saying? Well, I think she knows I mean business. But this little girl is always up to something. Josiah runs off and begins to play with his trains but Ava Beth stays behind. So I took this picture of her about one minute after she got in trouble. Sometimes I don't think she cares if she gets into trouble, I think she likes it. What is timeout for someone her age? Well since she is still in a crib, I put her in her crib for a couple of minutes and then go back and explain why she is in timeout. She may not understand everything I am saying, but soon she will.

This was not meant to be a parenting blog post. I am learning everyday how to be a parent. But, it was a moment for me that I realized how I have to parent and discipline consistently almost all day long, especially when they are so close in age. I get tired of being a referee. Sometimes I feel like I am going to loose my mind! But when they have faces like this, it's hard to stay frustrated. That was my blogging point. It's another fun day of parenting! :) Consistency, it's key to my parenting success! Oh and of course PRAYER too. "Lord, please don't let me lose my mind today."

Sleepy

2006-08-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I was unable to sleep. Around midnight I finally fell asleep. At 1:45am, I was awake and I figured out what it was that had me feeling so restless. Worry. I was worrying so much that I could not sleep, I could not rest. It was more than worry, it was a state of being bothered, irritated and confused. There is nothing more irritating than tossing and turning in bed. Pregnancy does that to me a lot but not at four months! So I asked God to clearly show me all that was weighing on my mind. I knew some of what was bothering me but the Holy Spirit can always unravel things for me in a way I am unable to. Also the Lord brings comfort and solutions so I poured my heart out to Him. At 3am, I was awake again. Then at 5am, wide awake! I kept praying and began to focus on praying instead of focusing on trying to go to back to sleep. Well, I have been up ever since!

It's now about 12:45pm and I feel like I did when I was a teenager after attending an all night "Lock In" with my youth group. I hate this feeling! My kids finished lunch, now they are sleeping. It's my time to sleep too. But when I laid down, I could not rest. It's like my adrenaline is pumping or something. So since I like to ask God questions, I decided to ask him these! "Why am I feeling this way? What is wrong with me Lord? Is there someone I am supposed to be interceding for? Am I supposed to be praying?" I instantly felt like the Lord wanted me to open up His Word and read. So I did. This is what I read.

Psalm 16
1Keep me safe, O God,for I have come to you for refuge. 2I said to the LORD, "You are my Master! All the good things I have are from you." 3The godly people in the land are my true heroes!I take pleasure in them! 4Those who chase after other gods will be filled with sorrow.I will not take part in their sacrifices or even speak the names of their gods. 5LORD, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.You guard all that is mine. 6The land you have given me is a pleasant land.What a wonderful inheritance! 7 I will bless the LORD who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. 8 I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. 9No wonder my heart is filled with joy, and my mouth[a] shouts his praises!My body rests in safety. 10For you will not leave my soul among the dead[b]or allow your godly one[c] to rot in the grave. 11You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

I love reading Psalms and Proverbs and sometimes when I am not sure where He is directing me, I will start there and read the day that coincides with the current day of the month. I started this when I was thirteen years old and still do it at thirty years old. Today's Psalm was exactly what I needed. Last night, the Lord was instructing me. I understand it now. I can clearly see what He was trying to show me. Wow! I serve such a personal and loving God. He cares for me, He loves me, He speaks to me. This passage comforted me, he reminded me of His love and care for me. After reading Psalms, I read Proverbs 16.

1We can gather our thoughts, but the LORD gives the right answer. 2People may be pure in their own eyes, but the LORD examines their motives. 3Commit your work to the LORD, and then your plans will succeed. 4The LORD has made everything for his own purposes, even the wicked for punishment. 5The LORD despises pride; be assured that the proud will be punished. 6Unfailing love and faithfulness cover sin; evil is avoided by fear of the LORD. 7When the ways of people please the LORD, he makes even their enemies live at peace with them. 8It is better to be poor and godly than rich and dishonest. 9We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps. 10The king speaks with divine wisdom; he must never judge unfairly.11The LORD demands fairness in every business deal; he sets the standard. 12A king despises wrongdoing, for his rule depends on his justice. 13The king is pleased with righteous lips; he loves those who speak honestly. 14The anger of the king is a deadly threat; the wise do what they can to appease it. 15When the king smiles, there is life; his favor refreshes like a gentle rain. 16How much better to get wisdom than gold, and understanding than silver! 17The path of the upright leads away from evil; whoever follows that path is safe. 18Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall. 19It is better to live humbly with the poor than to share plunder with the proud. 20Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the LORD will be happy. 21The wise are known for their understanding, and instruction is appreciated if it's well presented. 22Discretion is a life-giving fountain to those who possess it, but discipline is wasted on fools. 23From a wise mind comes wise speech; the words of the wise are persuasive. 24Kind words are like honey--sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. 25There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death. 26It is good for workers to have an appetite; an empty stomach drives them on. 27Scoundrels hunt for scandal; their words are a destructive blaze. 28A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends. 29Violent people deceive their companions, leading them down a harmful path. 30With narrowed eyes, they plot evil; without a word, they plan their mischief. 31Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained by living a godly life. 32It is better to be patient than powerful; it is better to have self-control than to conquer a city. 33We may throw the dice, but the LORD determines how they fall.

While Psalms brought me comfort today and reminded me of God's love, Proverbs reminded me of how much I need His instruction and counsel. This passage was exactly what I needed to read. So I pray that as I curl up in my bed and try to sleep that the Lord will allow this to truly penetrate my heart. I want to "get" what He is trying to show me. Oh how I need my sleep but I need to hear His voice even more.

A Girl Named Mandi

2006-08-15T17:45:00.000-07:00

(It was a night I will never forget. As long as I live I will remember the fear, the horror that I experienced that night. It is a memory that has caused a lot of pain for many years but now I am starting to realize that it is something that I must NEVER, NEVER forget. The pain was all a part of the plan. Now, I cherish it for I know that God handpicked me to do many things in this life. I also know that the timeline he created for me was all on purpose. Some would say that God never meant for that night to happen, I disagree. This is who I am. This is who I have become and that one night began a whole new journey for me and God. Today I am not the same girl, my circumstances are not the same, my life is not anything like it used to be. But one thing I know for sure is my God is still the same. He has been my Lord and Savior for fifteen years now and I long to live for Him. I long for my life to be a living testimony of what the blood of Jesus Christ is TRULY all about. So today I want to introduce you to Mandi. As I share her story, my story, I know God will bring about healing to my life and maybe yours too.)

When my parents divorced, I lived with my Dad for a couple of years. From the time I was born and somewhat still today, my Dad has always been an injured man. Many of us are injured but many of us also seek rehabilitation. He has not. While he has changed and become more tolerable and normal, he is still at times the very same Dad I have always had. Today I love him. I care for him deeply and I cannot imagine my life without him. My children adore him and he adores them. My Dad would give us everything if he could. He gives us money almost every week, not because we ask but because he loves us and he wants to give. Next year when I put Ava Beth in a combo dance class at a Dance studio down the street, he will pay for it. When Josiah plays soccer, he will pay for it. That's what he wants to do and we let him. We don't mind the help! At one time in my life he never kept his word. I can remember at least a hundred times he said he would do something and didn't do it. That particular bad trait has now changed. He follows through and keeps his word. I never thought I would see the day but I have. Even though he has done so many things to redeem himself for all the years he hurt me, it is still very hard. Just this past weekend I was angry with him. I did not want to talk to him, see him or have anything to do with him. He hurt me. It wasn't intentional, it was just his old behavior coming back and showing it's ugly face. I can't help but to remember the past when this happens. I can't help but think of Mandi, the sad little girl that longed to have a Daddy. The little girl that dreamt of having a Daddy to hold her, protect her and love her. A Daddy she could trust, a Daddy she could count on. Some days I grieve for Mandi. Now as a woman, as I refer to myself as Amanda, I sometimes wish I could be Mandi all over again. Maybe if I had the eyes of Amanda and the body and mind of Mandi, everything would change. Mandi would know she is loved. She would know her true value. But then I am reminded of the precious testimony Amanda has! God can use the pain and heartache of Mandi to show this woman Amanda, how she has been loved and treasured her whole life.

I was twelve years old living with my Dad who was also a severe alcoholic. If you know anything about alcoholism then you know there is a term called "Functioning Alcoholic." Well my Dad was not a functioning alcoholic. His alcoholism kept him from having a job so we had nothing. Since he was unable to keep a job, he was unable to pay monthly bills. As a result, our electricity was cut off and stayed off for three months. I didn't tell anyone, especially not my mom. In fact, I hated my Mom. I blamed her for everything. I was so wrapped up in taking care of my Dad and feeling sorry for my Dad that I blamed her. It wasn't her fault, I know that now. But I did everything I could to hide things from her in fear of being taken away from him. My Dad told me just about every single night that if I did not live with him, he would kill himself. He was so out of his mind that I believed him. During all of this, I learned to be a fighter. I am still a fighter. If you hurt me, I will fight every ounce of my being to not hurt you back. That sounds harsh but I had to protect myself daily and when I feel like someone is trying to hurt me, my first instinct is to hurt them first. But the awesome thing about Jesus is how he changes us. I may struggle with wanting to fight or wanting to hurt someone before they hurt me, but the Lord keeps me from doing it. That bad behavior has been rebuked so many times that I know what to do when I see it coming! Praise the Lord! But the point is this, I had to fight for myself constantly. My Dad would come home drunk every single night. Since I did not have electricity, I was scared of the dark a lot. I was also very scared of loosing my Dad. What if he died in a car wreck, what if he did not come home that night? But somehow he always made it home and always made my life a living hell until finally he would pass out and sleep.

One particular night he had been out drinking and came home very angry. When he was angry he would talk bad about my mother. He would tell me that she did not love me and that she hated me. It hurt me, it hurt me a lot. Finally I got tired of hearing him say that so much, I decided to stick up for my Mom. "I know why she left you Dad! You are mean, you are crazy! Why would anyone want to be with you?" At that point he threw me into a wall by grabbing one of my hands. The ring finger on my right hand was broken. I have a very bad habit of popping my knuckles and that is the one finger I am unable to pop without experiencing pain. So when I do pop it, I am instantly reminded of that night. After throwing me into the wall, he then opened the sliding glass door in our apartment and shoved me outside. He closed the sliding glass door, locked it and did not return for several hours. The only thing I was wearing was a underwear and a long t-shirt of his. I never had pajamas. It's funny because I am obsessed with my children having pajamas. This has a lot to do with why. I guess I feel like my kids having pajamas makes me normal today. I never had Pajamas but I always wanted them. The night I spent on the patio was difficult. It was thirty degrees that night. I remember how cold it was because I remember being inside the apartment without electricity and freezing underneath blankets. Now I was outside with nothing but a t-shirt. I don't think that there was a time in my life that I cried harder than the night I spent on that patio. A while back I took my husband to those apartments, I showed him the patio I sat on. It was hard to do but it was something that needed to be done. I can't say I found any healing or comfort by going back but I did find joy in knowing how much I survived as a child. So maybe I did find healing. That night in the cold, sitting on the patio, all curled up in the t-shirt, I talked to God a lot. I told him how this wasn't fair. I learned early on that it was okay for me to be mad at God. I could say whatever I wanted, He was still there. During that horrible night, I learned how to hear the voice of God. I learned how to experience His comfort. It was then I learned that I was a fighter and that God was going to use me someday to help others that had been hurt. So I thank Him for that night. I truly thank Him!

There were many more nights to come. None seem to effect me as much as that night but many more events took place that brought deep fear and pain into my life. My Dad locked me out again and threw my Bible down the stairs outside our apartment. He also got a butcher knife out and made me watch him cut into his arm. When I see him, I try to never look at his forearms. I don't want to see those scars. I know that he must live in horrible guilt every time he sees the scars on his arm so I never mention it. He has paid for his sin, I think he pays for it daily. Who am I to bring it up? We have had many conversations about the past. He knows the pain he has caused. He lives with it. A few months ago he told me that the night he threw my bible down the stairs was haunting him. The Lord gave me an awesome moment with my Dad. "Dad, let it go. Don't carry those thoughts with you anymore. Satan wants to remind you. I have forgiven you. It's gone! Forget it!" My Dad cried when I said that. It was a moment God gave me to truly show God's love to my Dad. My Dad is saved, I am so grateful for that. He doesn't always live a life of joy, he's usually upset about something. But he loves God, I know he does.

Since having children I have grieved my childhood a lot. As I read other women's blogs and I learn about their childhoods and the loving homes they lived in, I hurt. At times I even get a little mad but then God reminds me that all of the pain I endured was for a purpose. The pain has become my pearls! This is what God has used to show me how much He loves me. Friends, let me tell you something, God has got big plans for my life. I am not being boastful or proud, I am just telling you that He is going to use this. My dreams of standing before women and speaking about what God has done and what He can do for them, my dreams of standing before thousands of women and sharing with them how they can find freedom in JESUS, it will come true. The Lord will use this for HIS kingdom! I wouldn't trade that pain for anything in this world! Mandi isn't just a little girl named after a Barry Manilow song (yes, it's true!), she's girl that had purpose and now God has freed her up to show others how to be free themselves.

Mandi has a story to tell and now I am privileged, honored and blessed to be the one chosen to share it.

(Click here. On the first page you will see a list of films/videos at the bottom. Choose RAIN. Watch the the film, not the clip. It's only 11minutes. Someone showed this video to me about a year ago and it changed my life. Today as I wrote this blog entry, I watched this video again. It is powerful and it reminded me of how precious my pain is.)

Free day!

2006-08-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

I have been looking forward to this day since Sunday. My Mother-in-law called Sunday evening and said that the kids could spend the night with her on Tuesday night. She also explained that she would pick them up around 10am. This meant I would have the whole day and night to do whatever I wanted. As much as I love my children, as much as I can't stand to be away from them, this was a day I have needed for a long time. So with Josiah and Ava Beth over at Grammy and Papa's until 9am tomorrow morning, I had the chance to do something for me. I talked on the phone to a close friend, then got ready and while doing so listened to a sermon online. Then I left the house, without buckling anyone into a car seat, and headed for Arby's. It was nice eating my cheddar and roast beef all by myself inside the restaurant. I didn't feel weird or lonely for even a second. I was relaxed. After eating I headed to Barnes and Noble, bought myself a Grande, Decaf, house blend and found the book I have been wanting to read. At first the book was hard to find so I ask a B&N employee if they could look up the author Rob Bell. As soon as I said Rob Bell, the employee looked at me and said, "We can't keep his book on the shelf. Everyone that comes to this section wants his book. But let me look and see if any have come in today." Well I was in luck, a shipment came in today. Here's the deal though. I ordered this book online over the weekend and paid only $8! BUT, it will not be here until next week due to standard shipping. I thought if I looked through the book today, I would wait until it came in the mail. Unfortunately for my wallet, I bought the book today and paid full price. As soon as I read the first two pages, I knew I would not be able to leave without that book underneath my arm. That's right, I paid full price for a book I will be receiving next week! It's that good! It's so good that B&N can't keep enough on their shelf. It seems that a lot of Christians out there are feeling how I am feeling. It's nice to know I am not alone. If you happen to read this post that I wrote the other day and you find yourself in a similar boat, Velvet Elvis is a good book to buy.

So there you have it! It's now 4pm and my husband will not be home until 7pm. I am making one of his favorite recipes tonight, homemade fettuccine alfredo and chicken, caesar salad, homemade caesar salad dressing and my own mozzarella/garlic bread. I just realized that I am out of fettuccine noodles. A lot of times I will have Jeremy stop on his way home or I will call and ask my dad to bring me something I need from the store but wait a minute! I don't have kids! I can leisurely, quickly, run up to the store and get what I need! Wow. I think I need a day like this at LEAST once a week. I think I will start dropping hints now to my mother-in-law! Oh did I mention I am pregnant with my THIRD!? Yes and I am thinking I will need TWO days a week when the third child is born at the beginning of the year! Don't be hatin' but my in-laws live two miles away. Yes, I am blessed. So blessed!

Okay so don't get tired of reading yet! This post is ending but I have a whole other one to write. When kids are with grandparents, I am quite capable of writing two posts in one day. So here I go! Stay tuned for another!

Dancing With The Stars

2006-08-14T09:37:00.000-07:00

I am proud to say, not embarrassed to admit, I LOVE Dancing With The Stars! Finally this morning the new celebrity dancers were announced and I think this is my favorite season yet. Third time is a charm, right? Well this is the third season so I think it will be pretty amazing. Although I am four months pregnant and I am not getting any smaller! So watching these women dance their butts off and loose weight while doing so may make me a little envious at times. Most of these women are already in fabulous shape, plus they have had a few nips, tucks, lifts and add ons along the way. But thank goodness for the real women this season. They always put a Mom in the mix and as we know Moms do not have perfect bodies. No, I am wrong. Some do. If you are a Mom in Hollywood, you probably do have a perfect body. UNLESS, you are Reese Witherspoon or Julia Roberts! But those two are not on Dancing With The Stars so I better get back on subject. Plus I know what you are thinking. "I thought Amanda was not concerned with this kind of stuff. I did not think she struggled with being envious of rock hard, ripped, toned, perfectly standing breasts, non cellulite legs, pencil arms that other women have?" HA! Of course, I wish I had a body like that but I know it's not reality or at least it's not MY reality and I KNOW that God loves me and I KNOW that I am not perfect, never will be! Soooo, I just enjoy looking at perfect bodies on Dancing With The Stars. Come on! Would Lisa Rinna still love herself if she had hail damage on her thighs? Probably not. But I still love me. Well, most of the time.

Okay, so this is not a Bible lesson. There is no spiritual knowledge I have to give you today. Well so far. The say is still young. This is just me revealing my favorite show for Fall's lineup. Dancing With The Stars! September 12th can't be here soon enough! So incase you haven't heard, here are the new celebrities for this season's Dancing With The Stars!

TUCKER CARLSON- He used to have a show on CNN, now he is on MSNBC. I don't like him. I am a Fox News girl anyway.

MONIQUE COLEMAN- She is famous for the movie High School Musical. I had to sit through this movie while babysitting. I will NEVER sit through it again.

SARA EVANS- Now this is my favorite female on the show this season. If you don't like Country music, you would hate riding in my car because that's what I love. And I love Sara Evans. She is a real woman, with a real body. Plus she is beautiful not only on the outside but on the inside. She's a girl's girl. She's a MOM! GO SARA!

WILLA FORD- She is a pop star. Actually she is referred to as the bad girl of pop. Guess what? I have never heard of her!

VIVICA A. FOX- No description needed. You know who she is.

HARRY HAMLIN- Remember Lisa Rinna from last year? Well, Harry is her husband.

JOE LAWRENCE- Remember little Joey? He was in the show called Blossom and he was in some other stuff but he is most famous for saying, "Whoa." He's not really famous anymore. Maybe this will help him.

MARIO LOPEZ- Okay, don't say you did not watch Saved By The Bell because you KNOW you did! Well maybe you did. Remember Slater? Well, that's Mario. I don't really care for Mario after hearing that he cheated on his wife after a week of marriage. Yikes!

SHANNA MOAKLER- Beauty queen that I have never heard of.

EMMITT SMITH - I have to say that he is #1 on my list! OF COURSE, he was a Dallas Cowboy! After playing for the Dallas Cowboys for thirteen years, he then played for Arizona one year but signed a one day, no pay contract with the Dallas Cowboys so he could retire as a Cowboy. Now that instantly will make me call in and vote for Emmitt! Oh and he is the NFL's all time leading rusher! I think he will be good on his feet. Jerry Rice was a receiver and he did good but Emmitt will be one to watch! Look out!

JERRY SPRINGER - I have NOTHING to say about him. Perish the thought!

So there you have it! September 12th is less than a month away and I got my dancing shoes on!

Part II

2006-08-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

(Sorry gals, this post is long. But I think all of my posts are long! Sorry!)

Yesterday afternoon I had my part II to yesterday's post completed. That way I could get on the computer first thing this morning and post it. But in the middle of saving it, blogger went down and I lost it. So I think the Lord wanted me to work through some things before posting the second half of "Cravings". Part II is all about something I am facing right now, a change taking place. It's nothing bad or earth shattering, just something that is weighing very heavy on my heart. With that comes my feelings and my own opinions. Now if you have been reading my blog for a while, you know I like to really pray about what I write when it comes to my relationship with Christ and the things He is showing me. As a woman trying to pursue holiness, I don't want to put anything out there that would confuse anyone or cause anyone to stumble. Right now my view on church is really at a difficult place. I need some help with all that I am feeling. I need some help working through all the opinions I have formed in my head when it comes to church. Tonight I am going to buy Rob Bell's book called Velvet Elvis. A friend of mine recommended this book and she knows I am a huge fan of Rob Bell. His sermons are wonderful to listen to. In fact, I would love it if his church was HERE. That may solve our church dilemma.

Since the post I had planned for today was lost in space, I think the Holy Spirit had some time to work on me and soften me a little bit. Once again He is doing something new in my life, brand new. Actually, I have never been at this place before or even tasted anything like it. It's scary, but also exciting because I know God is about to reveal himself in a way I have never experienced. A few days ago I read something that someone had written about church. This woman writing is a GODLY woman. But guess what? She does not attend church. I was kind of surprised but at the same time I was proud of her for writing about it. She explained that she was feeling like she may be ready to be a part of a church. So many Christians spend so much time talking about their church that I never hear the word JESUS come out of their mouth. I know a lot of church people that don't seem very different from the non church people.
I hear church people freak out when they find out you like Red Wine or a Margarita with your Mexican Food! I know church people that drink but hide it. I know church people that are afraid of being seen at Super Target buying a bottle of wine. Well send me, I will buy it for you!

The truth is, I am done. I am over the whole churchy church kind of talk. It's not genuine, it's not real life, it's totally and completely fake. Now don't get me wrong. There are things as Christian Leaders or people in ministry that have to show boundaries. If I am on staff at a church, I don't know if I would go to the Target down the street and buy Yellow Tail Shiraz! If you don't know what that is, it's wine. Good wine! That would be something I would have to really, really pray about. I don't want to ruin my witness or my ministry. There are two sides to that scenario and both have good points. Christians debate this constantly so I am not going to. But if you think that me having a glass of wine makes me a woman that is unable to minister to women, then obviously I will never be able to speak into your life because I enjoy a glass of red wine! Getting drunk, I have a problem with. The Bible is crystal clear about being drunk. So why is that some have a problem with drinking wine but they don't have a problem with watching Grey's Anatomy, Boston Legal, Desperate Housewives, Two and a Half Men and Friends reruns. Now let me go on the record here. I LOVE the show Boston Legal, LOVE it! But when people are having sex in a coat closet, sex in their office and it's not with their spouse, I do feel convicted. The enemy is sneaky. As Christians we say we don't agree with it and just because we watch shows that support affairs and sexual relationships doesn't mean we will do it! Right?! Again, the enemy is sneaky. Some choose not to drink because of family alcoholism, etc. That's totally understandable. But I have heard a lot of talk lately among friends of mine that have been judged because they like to have a beer or Margarita or wine. I have not faced this kind of judgment before.

So we all have different convictions, yes. But people in the church, including MYSELF, like to put sin in a pretty box and tie a big, fat, bow around it. We judge, oh how we judge! Several years ago I went through a Life Management Program called Pathways. This was something that Dr. Phil McGraw created. Pathways is a four month program. It's secular, not a Christian program but it's operated by many Christians. While I was in Pathways I had several classmates that were homosexual. One of them I became pretty close to. I had energy for him, I really loved him as a person. When he would speak in front of the group, my heart would break for him as he shared his troubles as a child. This guy who was gay believed in God. He believed that he knew God. He believed God loved him. Before Pathways I would have thought he was crazy but I saw his heart. Whether or not he was saved? I was unable to make that call. Some Christians would say there is no way a gay man or woman could possibly be saved. That's another thing like drinking and TV watching that I don't care to debate. Sin is sin! During one of the sessions, I noticed this particular guy crying. After the session ended it was time to go to our rooms for the night and work on homework. Yes, we had homework. But first I grabbed my buddy (a buddy was your person that was assigned to you and worked on your training together through out the whole four months) and asked my gay friend if I could pray for him. After I finished praying, he asked if he could pray. Yep, a gay guy praying! Perish the thought! Right? No, it was a prayer I will never forget. A true sinner, asking God to help him.

A few months ago when I visited my grandmother in Beaumont, Texas, we all went out to eat. On our way we saw a man, his wife and young child standing on the corner holding up signs that said, "God hates fags!" I shouldn't have, but I looked out the window while we were stopped at the light and shook my head in disbelief to the man shouting things in his battery operated megaphone. I looked in his eyes and showed him how much I disapproved. I could have been shot but my heart hurt so bad when I saw that. I was mad that someone could portray God in that way! When the man saw that I disapproved of his behavior, he shouted something horrible. I still can't believe he had his little boy out there with him. What a sad, sad world we live in.

At the end of my cul-de-sac, there are two lesbians that live in a house together. Obviously they are a couple. Across the street from them is another lesbian that lives alone. I see all of them outside every single day talking as they walk their little dogs. They know me by name. They know my children by name. They have seen us leave for church on Sunday mornings. Actually I had a conversation with one of the sweet ladies and told her we were still looking for a church. She KNOWS we are Christians. I make it a point to let her know through my verbiage that I am a Christ follower. I make it a point with my smile and my actions to let her know that I am a person that loves her.

So this is what I crave. This is what I have a taste for. This is what I am praying about. This is why I am tired of church, tired of looking for a church, tired of talking church. I don't want an EMERGENT church! I don't want a SEEKER church! I don't want a church that thinks that are not seeker but really are! I don't want a church that is trying to be like every other church! I WANT TO BE THE CHURCH! No, I don't want to start a cult. I don't want to be a Pastor. I don't want to FORSAKE the church. I need it, my kids need it. But, I don't want what I have always had. My taste buds have changed and I can't handle the status quo anymore. I crave authenticity. I want to go somewhere that is not worried with how many people are there that day or focused on how they are going to get more people to come the next Sunday. I don't need a fancy name tag or a pretty bulletin. Just put me in with sinners! Sinners that are really desperate for CHRIST. A place that has an alter flooded with men that are addicted to pornography, men and women trying to come out of homosexuality, men and women needing a Savior instead of needing a church. You see all of those people are in our churches but no one wants to be real. No one wants to expose their sin. We all want to have Bible Study but we don't want anyone to piss us off.

I have thought about inviting my cul-de-sac over for breakfast on a Sunday morning. I just want to get to know them. Find out what they do, what they like and who they love. Do they have kids? Do they have grandkids? Maybe that would start a spark. Maybe that would show others the love of Jesus. Who cares if I ever stand on a church stage and sing again! Who cares if I ever get to be on staff somewhere again! Who cares if anyone knows that I can lead a Bible Study, speak or write a drama! What if I am supposed to focus on love? Loving my neighbors, loving those I come in contact with. What if that's how I am supposed to minister to women?

We have not been to church in two weeks. We read our Bible, we study His word daily, we pray, we worship, but we have not been to church in to weeks. One of my very best friends, Tiffany, asked me yesterday if we were going to church on Sunday. My answer was simple. "I don't know." Where else can we visit? Where else can we put our kids in the nursery while we try to figure out whether or not this a place we should come to again? It's grueling, it's painful, it's the most horrible process ever. We will go to church again. We will not forsake the body. But, we are waiting on God for a crystal clear answer. The hunger has changed. The craving is strong and so far it has not been satisfied. What is God doing? What is he trying to show us? That's what I pray He will reveal to my husband and when He does, I know He will reveal the same to me too. Each Sunday we both know what we want. We have been thinking and praying about it daily. But it seems that we get the total opposite. I know that my Husband hears the voice of God, I know that I hear it too. My prayer is that we will hear from Him soon regarding our church home and our place of ministry. Our vision has changed, we have changed, our relationship with Christ has grown and we want more of Him. But we don't want what we have had in the past.

I am not against church. I am not putting down anyone else's church. Understand that I am in the middle of a process. I am not trying to start any debates or offend anyone. I am just being real, completely real. Please allow me to do that. I love God, I am a Christ follower and I need him to RULE my life! Oh how I need Him!

Cravings (Part I)

2006-08-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest joys of pregnancy has got to be eating a big, fat, juicy, cheeseburger without feeling one bit of guilt while doing so or after finishing. I have never had heart burn. I have no idea what heartburn even feels like. My mom tells me that if I did get it, I would know. So my love for spicy food has not been tossed aside while being pregnant. In fact, my love for hot, spicy things has only gotten worse. I crave it! That's why I love Whataburger! I can get a Cheeseburger with jalapenos. I can also get one of those at Sonic and Burger Box! Burger Box is an amazing place with amazing burgers and fries. If you live in the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex, you should definitely make a trip to this burger joint. Every single time I am there, I see someone I know! Okay so back to the cravings. It's not that my cravings are weird. Pickles and Ice Cream is not something I would ever want. I'm not a big fan of ice cream, although I love pickles. But those two together sound disgusting! The things I crave never really fall under the strange category, the cravings are very specific. If I wake up and want a McDonald's hamburger for lunch, I guarantee you I will be eating a quarter pounder with cheese by day's end. McDonalds is a rare craving because I don't consider their burgers to be real burgers. But I do have that GREASE craving every once in a while. It may be Arby's I want or Long John Silvers or Taco Bueno. Just because I crave a hamburger doesn't mean it can be any hamburger. I will crave a specific hamburger at a specific hamburger place.

Sonic is one of my least favorite fast food places. When we built our first house four years ago, we lived in a town that was not developed. There was nothing! The only thing we had was a Sonic. So now I have to be pretty desperate to crave Sonic! My Mom loves Sonic. Last week my Mom came over so we could take the kids to the water park. But first we had to eat and the only thing we could agree on was Sonic because I knew I could get the kids grilled cheese. As I looked at the menu, I was stumped. There was nothing I saw that looked good. My mom said she was getting the Frito Pie Wrap. It sounded disgusting but she urged me to give a try. I did. I loved it! Loved it, loved it, loved it! Well this past Monday I woke up with a Frito Pie wrap at the forefront of my mind. No Taco Bell, no hamburgers, no Arby's please! Just give this girl a Frito Pie wrap and I will be good to go. The day was still young, way too young for a Frito Pie Wrap so the kids and I head out for a few errands. Daddy needed new shoes so we head to the Nike store. After that, the time was right, off to Sonic we go! I order what we need. The grilled cheese, the Sprites for the kids, the Dr. Pepper for me and the Frito Pie wrap that I have been thinking about half the day. Home is just a couple of miles away, I hate eating in the car! Especially with kids, especially when the "new" has not worn off the SUV I got in January and especially when it's 102 degrees outside! No matter how hungry I am, we are NOT eating in MY car!

Finally we are home! I've got the kids at the table all set up. I have my food in front of me. It's time to eat! I couldn't wait! As I unwrap that shiny, silver wrapping, I see it! My Frito Pie Wrap! I think I even sounded a bit like Rachel Ray for a moment. The excitement I was having over this food was a bit ridiculous. Rachel Ray goes nuts over her food! As a Mom you know the feeling of hunger that overwhelms you while you are trying to make sure the kids are set up with their food. It seems like it takes forever before you can finally sit down and enjoy. The moment had arrived. I bit into my wrap and instantly realized I was biting into scrambled eggs! I HATE SCRAMBLED EGGS with a passion. I can handle pretty much anything when it comes to eating but scrambled eggs is something I can't do. I adore Sushi while most people hate it. Yes, I love sushi but I hate scrambled eggs. Instead of a Frito Pie wrap, I am served a breakfast burrito. Since Sonic serves breakfast food all day long, it did not matter that I ordered at 12:30pm! Someone else ordered breakfast, someone else got my Frito Pie wrap and probably loved every bite of it. This was not something I could let slide. My kids were busy eating and right after that I would put them down for their three hour nap. There is no way I can load them back up in this awful, Texas heat, drive to Sonic and explain my situation to a teenage girl taking orders at Sonic! I decided to call and ask for the manager. The manager actually answered the phone. I was very nice. Maybe if I killed him with kindness , he would offer free delivery and bring my Frito Pie Wrap! This is what he tells me. "Oh we realized we made a mistake a few minutes after we gave you your order. The person that ordered the breakfast burrito hit the call button and told us about our mistake. We tried to find you but you had already left. Why don't you drive back up here and we will give you your Frito Pie Wrap?!" Despite how upset I was feeling, I remained calm and friendly. I explained that my kids were eating and that it would be a lot of trouble for me to load up my kids and come back. He took my name, wrote it in a book and told me that whenever I was ready I could come back and get my Frito Pie Wrap free of charge. When I hung up the phone, I was sad, disappointed and still very hungry. No, I did not eat the breakfast burrito! No, no, no, no, no! No scrambled eggs! That will never be a craving of mine.

All I wanted was my Frito Pie Wrap. I had a craving for it, I had a taste for it, that's what I wanted. Instead I got something unexpected, totally different than what I wanted. That my friends, is frustrating, disappointing and totally unsatisfying. Next time I will unwrap the shiny, silver, wrapping, then unwrap the wrap to make sure it is a Frito Pie Wrap and not a Breakfast Burrito wrap!

Can you guess what I will be eating for lunch today?

(This will all make sense tomorrow. That's why I have a part II!)

Psalm 91

2006-08-08T22:19:00.000-07:00

(***update- Josiah slept in his bed all night. NO FEAR! It's 7:51am and he is still sleeping. He did not even come get in bed with me after Daddy left for work at 7am. Thank you Lord for answering my prayer!)

Our three and a half year old has been going through a tough phase lately. Fear. When I was a child I had every right to have fear. My Dad was an alcoholic, he was always mad and I could hear my Mom sobbing just about every night. So yes I was fearful almost every night when I went to bed. But Josiah does not live in anything close to what I lived in. In fact, he lives in the quite opposite. We spend time praying with him every single night. We talk about the Bible, we read the Bible, we teach him scripture to memorize and he's memorizing it at three and half years old! He may not have truly made the connection with God but he sure is getting close. I even heard him asked his friend Jackson a very important question. They were eating peanut butter sandwiches, drinking milk and discussing Thomas The Tank Engine. Josiah took a bite of his sandwich, swallowed his bite and then asked, "Jackson, do you have a church?"
I don't remember exactly how Jackson answered but I do remember feeling so proud that my son was concerned with whether or not Jackson went to church. But why is my confident little boy so scared at night? I realize it's normal for his age but at times it has been a bit much. We are all loosing sleep over it!

A few months ago we began having major issues with Josiah wanting to sleep in his bed. Since I was a child that did not live in a healthy and safe home, I am the first one to give in to Josiah's requests to sleep on our floor, next to our bed in his Mr. Incredibles sleeping bag. Jeremy, my husband, needs more convincing. I cave! Now I have learned that I have to limit how much he sleeps in our room. So he's allowed once a week, that's it. When I was his age I longed to sleep with my parents. I wanted to be able to crawl in bed with them when I was scared but that was something I never felt like I could do. That makes it hard for me to say no but Jeremy has taught me that I can't always give in to him in order to make up for the hard times I went through. But when Josiah sleeps in my room or when Jeremy goes to work and that little boy crawls in bed with me, a part of me experiences some healing. Every single morning he gets in bed with me after Jeremy leaves and every single morning he whispers in my ear, "Mommy, I love you." Of course I always get a huge smile on my face and tell him how much I love him too. That has to be my favorite part of the day. Needless to say, but so important to share, Josiah has my heart. What child doesn't have their Mother's heart?

A few weeks ago I shared Josiah's issue with a friend of mine. She explained that many moms in her Bible Study, including her, had faced the same issues with their kids. Through process of elimination and by talking to Josiah over and over again about what was scaring him, we found the answer. Monsters Inc. Even though he knows the monsters in the movie are nice, he sees the kids scream and it scares him. It was an innocent mistake I made. I really had no idea that this movie would cause such a reaction or I never would have allowed him to see it. My friend shared that some of the Moms in her Bible Study have used "Monster Spray." I had prayed over Josiah, prayed over his room, and tried pretty much everything. I even prayed about the Monster Spray. I did not want to do anything that would compromise what the Lord was trying to do. Jeremy and I decided this was worth a try. We prayed and then we sprayed! Febreeze poured into a clear, orange, plastic, spray bottle seemed to do the trick, until Monday night. Until Monday night, he stayed in his bed all night long! Then out of no where, he started to deal with this fear of night all over again. Nap time, never a problem, never! Only night time. This morning I woke up exhausted. He came into our room many times and finally I told him he could sleep on the couch.

All morning I asked the Lord for help. "What should I do? How can I show him that his room is safe Lord? How long will this go on before he stops being afraid." Instantly I thought of Psalm 91. Since I have struggled with fear, my Mom gave me this scripture passage many years ago. She told me to read it and claim it for my life. She told me to walk the floors of my house reading it out loud and I did. That passage set me free in many ways and I when I struggle with fear or know someone else struggling with fear, I pull that passage out. When I read it, I always read it out loud and I always insert my name in every single sentence. It's powerful! Well, tonight I did this with my son. I sat down on the bed and explained to him that he was safe. I assured him there was nothing to be sacred of. I also told him to say his memory verse out loud if he gets scared. "Okay Mommy." Then I pulled out my Bible and told him I wanted to read something to him that would help him to not be afraid. I read Psalm 91 twice and I inserted Josiah's name in every line. Then I prayed for him and we also sprayed the Monster spray. Actually we did that first. I wanted him to be left to sleep with those scriptures on his mind. It's been fifty minutes, I have not heard a peep.

Some would say it was the Monster spray, some would say it was my talk. But I know it was the prayer and the power of God's Word! That's where we find victory! That's what I want my children to learn!

Psalm 91 for Josiah
Josiah who lives in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare of the LORD: He alone is Josiah's refuge, Josiah's place of safety;he is Josiah's God, and Josiah is trusting him. For he will rescue Josiah from every trap and protect Josiah from the fatal plague. He will shield Josiah with his wings. He will shelter Josiah with his feathers. His faithful promises are Josiah's armor and protection. Josiah, do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch Josiah. But Josiah will see it with his eyes; he will see how the wicked are punished. Josiah, if you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling. For he orders his angels to protect Josiah wherever he goes. They will hold Josiah with their hands to keep Josiah from striking his foot on a stone. Josiah will trample down lions and poisonous snakes; Josiah will crush fierce lions and serpents under his feet! The LORD says, "I will rescue Josiah because he loves me. I will protect Josiah because he trusts in my name. When Josiah calls on me, I will answer; I will be with Josiah in trouble. I will rescue Josiah and honor Josiah. I will satisfy Josiah with a long life and give Josiah my salvation."

From Seattle to Texas!

2006-08-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

In just a few days I will have my brother, sister-in-law and nephew living about thirty minutes away. On Sunday morning they left Seattle to come to Texas for good! My brother moved there a few years ago and met Desiree and her little boy Mason. After Ava Beth was born Josh ( my brother) and Desiree came to Texas to visit all of us and we got to meet Desiree for the very first time. As soon as I met her I knew he would marry her. She is a beautiful, precious girl and I love her like she were my very own sister. Not only have we been blessed with Desiree but with her little boy Mason who will start second grade next week. The poor thing just got out for Summer break in Washington on June 22nd and has to start school here next week! Mason does not know his real Dad so my brother quickly became the Daddy that Mason has always needed. My brother is planning to adopt Mason soon and we are more than happy about that! Last April, the three of them came to visit Texas again and Mason stayed with us a few nights. Josiah is happy to have a cousin and Aunt Desiree. Mason is a wonderful kid! They are more than we could have ever prayed for. I am so happy for my little brother and the beautiful family he has. Not only do we have Mason but they are also expecting a baby girl at the beginning of November. Her name will be Adysen Renee and guess what? Renee is my middle name, Ava Beth's middle name and my Mom's middle name and one of Desiree's sister's middle name. But I have already proclaimed that the baby is named after ME! I will make sure Adysen knows she is named after her favorite Aunt, Aunt Mandi.

A few minutes ago Desiree called to chat while she followed my brother as he drives the huge moving truck. She quickly asked, "What is the temperature there?" Before revealing the current temp, I asked "Are you sure you want to know?" She was adamant so I told her it was 96 but explained that a heat wave was coming. "On Wednesday and Thursday it is supposed to be 102 and 103. But please don't turn around to go back to Seattle!! It should cool off in October. Hopefully." Desiree and Mason have no idea what it is like to live in this kind of heat AND she is seven months pregnant! While my brother longs to cross the Texas border and find the nearest Whataburger , Desi and Mason want to find the nearest water park!

Desi had a hard time on Sunday when the left. She has never lived this far from her parents and they have never known what it is like to be away from their grandson. As we talked on the phone yesterday during the start of the drive, she cried. I don't know if I helped but I explained to her what a blessing it was that she is so close to her family and that she is so sad to leave them. Not all children have that kind of relationship with their families. What a blessing! Then I told her how excited I was to have her in my life. "We get to take our kids to the pumpkin patch, to see Santa Clause, to get their pictures made together and dress them alike. We get to shop together, cook together at the Holidays. We will both have new babies only three months apart! We get to make brand new memories." I wanted her to know that she is such a blessing to our family but especially to me. I think she got the point and she shared how excited she was to have me too. That made me feel great!

I have always wanted a sister. When Jeremy and I got engaged, I was so happy knowing he had a sister. Instantly I could see us shopping together, cooking, laughing, drinking coffee and being great friends. But it did not happen that way and five years later, we are still not close. We don't talk on the phone, we don't make plans to see each other. We live a few miles away from one another but rarely get together unless it is arranged by J's family. This was so hard for me in the beginning. I did not understand why someone would not want to be close to me. It's still hard but we are just so different that there is nothing to build on. She is a Godly woman and serves the Lord in missions with her husband. She has faith that could move mountains and I really see God in her. Maybe someday our relationship will be close but I no longer try to force it or make it happen. Through the years of dealing with the pain of rejection in that relationship, I felt like the Lord was telling me that someday I would have that relationship I craved. About a year ago I realized that what I was desiring with Jeremy's sister was not going to happen with her but it would happen with Desiree. Just a few weeks ago I got a card in the mail from Desiree for no good reason. It was a just because kind of card. She even speaks my love language! In the card she told me how happy she was to have a sister-in-law like me and she told me how much she loved me. It made my day! I felt like the Lord was truly answering my prayer to something I have always wanted.

My brother is four years younger than me. We have not been very close in the past. But we have been through a lot together. Actually we have been through hell together. My Dad does things that drive us both crazy and he often causes problems for us. So last week we talked about that. We talked about how we could not let Dad get in the middle of our relationship and cause strife. He will try to do it and he will do it sometimes without trying. My Dad is a recovered alcoholic but he continues to have traits of someone that still drinks. Not only that but he is negative, he pries, he's nosy and he gets jealous if he thinks we have left him out. When it's family time, he will not let anyone else talk, he does all the talking. He is so insecure that he does things to overcompensate. My Dad has already started talking about the Holidays and how he wants to spend it with all of us. This puts a lot of stress on everyone because we have lots of time that we have to divide up between families. Today my Dad has called me twice already trying to find out if I have talked to Josh because a lot of times Josh ignores his calls. My Dad lives less than two miles from us. It's actually nice to have him close but Josh moving backs adds a whole new dimension to all of our relationships. I have shared before that God has really restored a lot in my relationship with my Dad. A lot of healing has taken place and continues to but Josh moving back could cause a set back in many ways. There are lots of things from the past that the enemy would like to use. It will take major prayer to keep that from happening!

So pray for my family. We need it! Pray that Josh and I can have the relationship that we have always wanted. Pray that he can find a job in the Metroplex SOON and that Desi and Mason adjust to Texas heat and being so far from home. And pray for my Dad and that Josh and I can learn how to handle him. They should arrive sometime Wednesday night or Thursday morning. Please pray for them as they travel, they need it.

Josiah, Ava Beth and Mason on Easter

Oh how I love them!

2006-08-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

This morning I have visited a few blogs that I love because I always get to read things about their kids. One of the bloggers is a mom of triplets! I love going to her blog. There is something so amazing about a Mom that can go to Target with three two year olds, then go to ChicFilA and live to tell about it! When I take my one and a half year old and three and half year old into Target or Wal Mart and especially the library, I spend a lot of time praying. "Lord, please let this be a good day. Please!!!!!" If you are a Mom, you KNOW how great you feel when you have made it home without having to threaten, bribe or negotiate. Seriously, Moms could negotiate any business deal! Better yet, send us to the White House, we know how to communicate and I love George W. so send me to talk to the media, I can do it and they will listen!

Now normally I don't like to use bribes, threaten to take all Thomas The Trains away or negotiate for a new Thomas The Train but sometimes a Mom has to do what a Mom has to do! I am sure I make plenty of parenting mistakes but I am always learning something new. Just yesterday as I locked myself in my bathroom, I began to pray out loud. It was a hard day with the kids. Sometimes I don't know if I am choosing the right punishment for the child. Sometimes I am unsure of my every move so prayer is KEY! "Lord, you have to help me. Some days I have no idea what I am doing. How do I teach them to share? How do I teach Josiah to not cry when he is frustrated? How do I get Ava Beth to quit grabbing Josiah's trains and then running across the house with them? Lord, please help me to nurture their relationship. I need your help. I can't do this alone."

We all have them. Bad days. They come but thankfully, they go! Then we have good days and they make you totally forget the bad ones. Isn't that amazing? If you would have asked me in the beginning of this pregnancy whether or not I was done, I would have said "YES, three is plenty! We are done!" The beginning of my pregnancy I was sick and sick all day, every day! Just a couple of days ago someone asked me, "Are y'all done? Are you considering four? You have always said you wanted four!" And much to my surprise I responded with, "I don't know. I would like to have four maybe." You see the morning sickness is gone. I am a few weeks into the second trimester and I feel great! That's what happens, we forget! The good outweighs the bad, ALWAYS. Now if someone asked me that question on the day of my first outing with THREE children, the answer would probably be different.

My point is, I love my children so much. I don't know what I would be without them. Just this morning I awoke to a little boy staring at me. He had gotten in our bed this morning along with Elmo and his "B" (blanket). Our first conversation this morning was all about Thomas The Tank Engine! In fact he speaks of Thomas so much that I am actually having dreams about The Island of Sodor! His best buddy, Jackson, comes over two days a week and they play with their trains for hours. Seriously, hours. As we snuggle in bed, Josiah looks in my eyes and says, "Mommy, your eyes are green and that's the same color as the drums at Trey's church." He's obsessed with the drums and guitar and he saw a green drum set at our friend's church. "Daddy's eyes are brown and my eyes are just like Daddy's. Sissy's eyes are blue, the same color as Thomas the Train." Last night at the movie store I let him rent a Thomas DVD, then at the grocery store I let him pick out a sucker. "What color do you want Josiah?" Why did I ask? I should have known. "Probably I want blue like Thomas!" He says probably all the time. Kind of funny! Josiah keeps this house full of entertainment. He loves to talk! Then again what three and a half year old doesn't?! When he was a newborn, it was hard to imagine this age. Josiah had to have an emergency surgery at two and a half weeks old, then he was colic until three months and he had acid reflux until nine months old! It was a rough time for a first time Mom! He's my first, he's still my baby and now he's my little buddy. It's kind of neat how I can carry on conversations with him now. He knows when I am sad, he knows when I am happy. He is my delight and I am so proud to be his Mom! Oh how I love him!

And then there is Ava Beth! Now this child is 100% totally different from her brother. She may be the baby, but she knows what she wants. She is not a follower, she is not a tag a long, she is the leader! She may be only one and a half years old but the girl has a thing for shoes like you have never seen. Since Mommy doesn't have any flat shoes, she has learned how to walk in heels, one time she walked in stilettos and she can walk in a wedge like nobody's business. I think she almost has as many purses as me and currently she only has one bracelet and one pair of earrings but she wears them so well. If I let her, she would change clothes all day long. She loves clothes! She even lets me fix her hair without a fight. This little girl wants to look good and wants the world to see it! I prayed for a girly girl and I got one. But she is the best kind of girly girl because she can throw a ball, kick a ball and play in the dirt with all the boys and never be intimidated. She may love her baby doll but she loves her brother's cars, trains and trucks too. This usually causes a problem! This is where the whole sharing thing comes in and me trying to explain to her that it's not nice to steal her brother's toy away and then run! One of the nice things about the second child is all that the good things they learn from their older sibling. We have always made Josiah say yes mam and no mam, yes sir and no sir. Ava Beth has started saying it too. Last week I was getting on to her in a playful way. "Ava Beth, don't give Daddy all my kisses. Do you understand?" I couldn't believe it but she said, "Ye mam." She is saying a lot of stuff but she is learning some of the most important. Like when we pray with our kids every night, we end each prayer, "In Jesus Name, Amen." Well now we don't have to say amen because she knows as soon as we say "In Jesus name" to say "AMEN!" I remember when Josiah did the same. These are the moments parents live for. It's rewarding to see when your work is paying off and when the kids really are "getting" it. My daughter has changed me in many ways. She has allowed me to be a little girl all over again. She's my baby for a few more months, she's my delight, she's my future shopping buddy, she's my feisty, spunky leader, she is something else!! Oh how I love her!

Now this post would not be complete without writing about this precious third baby that will arrive in January. In a few more weeks we find out if it's a boy or a girl and will begin calling the baby by name. I am starting to feel like I know what it is but either way, I am happy. This morning before I got out of bed, I spent some time praying for this baby. I am at that stage where in the morning, I have a big bump on one side of my stomach. I love that! I love how I can feel how the baby has shifted and is nestled in one comfy spot. Even though I can't feel kicks yet, I can totally sense this baby's movement. I was not able to do that with the first two, but this one has been totally different. I am already imagining holding this little one and seeing he or she for the first time. Josiah was born with blonde fuzz, almost bald head. AB was born with tons and tons of black hair but now it's blonde. Josiah looks exactly like Daddy while Ava Beth looks exactly like Mommy. Who will this little one look like? Josiah is a lot like his Daddy while Ava Beth is exactly like Mommy! So as I prayed over this baby this morning, I prayed for God to speak to this child even now. I prayed that God would whisper this precious one's destiny into my womb. I know that HE will. My baby, my third baby, will be here before I know it and everyday I fall more and more in love with he or she. Oh how I love this baby!

In a few minutes I am off for a date. That's right I have a date with someone other than my husband, my son. We are going to the Library, just the two of us. Then at noon we are all going to the water park in our city. This is the last week they are open and we want to go one last time as a family. Next Summer we will have three kids to take! Wow! I just wanted to share with you stories about my kids. They truly are the loves of my life and they make me so happy. I love being a stay at home mom. This is the best job ever! I am so thankful that the Lord has given me this life, for I am truly blessed beyond measure.

Oh how I love those kids!

2006-08-05T08:09:00.000-07:00

This Day I Do

2006-08-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

Continued from The Beginning

As I drove to the Bible Study, I began to realize that I was distracted. Just a few days ago I was a young woman only interested in focusing on God. There was no way I was going to get caught up in falling for another guy. This was a time of healing for me, a time to be alone, just me and God. Now I am driving to a Bible study with a fast beating heart and butterflies in my stomach because this guy I met at church. I was frustrated with myself. How could I be distracted so easily, so soon! But a lot had happened on Sunday and the Lord had revealed a lot to me so how could I NOT be distracted. Could this guy be the husband I have prayed for?

Pulling into his apartments, I was surprised at how close I had lived to him. Come to find out we had lived within two miles from each other for a couple of years! We had shopped at the same grocery store, ate at the same restaurants, sat at the same red lights while waiting in traffic. When I got to the front door, I was shaking. From the time I left my house until I got home from the Bible Study, I was constantly conversing with the Lord. "Okay, God I know I heard you say that my husband was behind me on Sunday and this guy that has the Bible study at his house was sitting behind me! If I am confused or getting excited over something that is not real, you will have to take care of my mind NOW! I am already analyzing everything. I am already picturing myself with this guy and this does not seem normal! I feel like I am truly loosing my mind!" Excited, yet scared, I knocked on the door to his apartment. He answered. I think we said hi and then I instantly focused on showing myself friendly to others at the study. I was not about to act interested! The Bible Study began. Jeremy was the host and he was also apprenticing to be a leader. He did not teach that night and that's probably a good thing! I can't even begin to tell you what the study was on because I was totally taken by Jeremy. Of course I did not make it obvious but I looked at him a lot. The room was full of other girls and some were quite attractive. My mind was telling me, "He must have a girlfriend. He is not going to date you. Your hair is too short. I bet he likes long hair! Look at how great his apartment is decorated! This means one thing, a girl helped him decorate. A girlfriend!"

With my mind going absolutely crazy, I started to pray. "Lord, what are you doing? I have been walking so closely beside you. How could I possibly get so sidetracked so easily? If this is not the guy, then he will have a girlfriend and he will say something or do something to totally change my mind. If I am not supposed to be attracted to him then you better bring someone else along because I am totally, 100% gone! I don't even know him and I am falling for him. Lord, if this is HIM then he is going to fall for ME! He is going to come after ME! He is going to pursue ME! I will have no doubts that he is the one, IF he is the one!" The thing that made this so difficult was the fact that I did not know him, yet I was already crazy about him. This was not normal. All the single woman books I had read did not talk about this. I was supposed to be a Lady In Waiting! Or what about what Elisabeth Elliott teaches in Passion and Purity?! HA! Those books were out the door! Forget that! The Lady in Waiting book would have told me I was crazy. But something supernatural was happening and I couldn't control it. My thoughts kept taking me back to Sunday and all that had happened. My mind was telling me that I was crazy, while my heart was telling me that God was up to something. Jeremy was very quiet through out the Bible Study. I don't think he said too much. It was time for prayer requests and an older, single woman there decided to share a praise. (This woman is now Jeremy's sister's motherinlaw) She began to share a praise about her fence being replaced. "I just want to thank God for Jeremy. He came to my house and replaced my entire fence. He is such a servant and God used him to bless me. Thank you Jeremy." So now I am in love even more! He's a servant and he's a MANLY MAN! Wow!

The Bible Study ended and an announcement was made that there would be a single's Valentine's party on Saturday night. By Friday night I had lost the invitation but I still had the map to Jeremy's apartment for Bible Study along with his phone number. Jeremy still does not believe that I lost the invitation but I really did. Another thing God planned! I did not know anyone at the church, I had Jeremy's number so I called him on Friday night to get directions to the party. He was home! I began to think that maybe he did not have a girlfriend or maybe she was there when I called! He gave me directions to the party and then invited me to go country dancing with him, his sister and her fiance and a few others. Of course I calmly accepted the offer to go dancing. After hanging up the phone it was like I heard the Lord speaking to me again in a comical way. "Do you still think he has a girlfriend? Have you figured it out yet? He doesn't."

So let's skip ahead. Two weeks later Jeremy and I are laying on his couch. It was a very sweet, appropriate moment. We were just talking. By this time he had called me, taken me out and instantly after the Valentine's party/country dancing night, we were a couple. There was nothing to figure out, nothing to wonder about, I knew he liked me. I journaled every single night and quickly figured out that the husband I had been writing to was Jeremy. This was different, this was unlike any other dating experience I had ever had. This was it and I KNEW it! Earlier in the day I had shared with a friend that I loved Jeremy. "I know it sounds absurd. I know it sounds insane that I could love someone so quick. I know that I don't really know him but I know that he is the one I am supposed to love. So, I love him." As Jeremy and I laid on the couch talking he suddenly sat up and said there was something he felt he needed to say. "I need to tell you something but I am scared. I don't understand this because it's so fast." His voice got a little shaky, he grabbed both of my hands and said, "I love you Amanda. I know that I love you." We instantly embraced and held onto each other for a minute or so. I explained to him the conversation I had with my friend earlier in the day and told him that I loved him too.

Two months later, it was Easter weekend and I had been hired to sing at all the Easter services at a church in Keller. I had to sing at a Saturday night service but after it was over I met Jeremy at his parents house. It may not sound very romantic, but it was. He proposed that night in a very creative way. His mom got it all on video! The next morning I remember holding my microphone on stage for the first time with a ring on my finger. I must admit that I did hold that microphone with more joy than ever before!

We both agreed that we did not want a long engagement so we set the date for August 3rd, 2001. His mom and stepdad, my mom and stepdad and my dad were in full support so the Wedding planning began!

It wasn't always easy. Jeremy's younger sister did not approve, we did not get along at all. It was extremely difficult. It was so difficult that I came down with a severe case of adult acne and soon after had to be put on acutane. Still to this day when I get a pimple, I am terrified because I know how hard it was to go through adult acne while planning a wedding. Many things came along to test us. The enemy was not going down without a fight. God has supernaturally orchestrated this relationship and everything came against us at some point or another. Since I struggled so much with fear and since I had so much stuff to deal with from my past, I began to have panic attacks. I thought he would change his mind because of his sister or because of me. I just new that there was no way he could love me and I constantly fought against the fear of loosing him. Finally I had what I prayed for and I was so afraid it would be taken away. My fear never scared him, my problems never made him go away. No matter what I did, no matter how many times I called him in a panic, he loved me. God had given me a true picture here on earth of what HIS love looked like. He did it through Jeremy and still does to this day.

Today I am not as insecure, I trust him. Today his sister loves me too, I think. I love her. I really love her. I still deal with insecurity when it comes to her but it's not because of her. I sometimes let the past rule my thoughts. She is a Godly woman and she knows I am a Godly woman, we let that be the foundation. I wanted her to be the sister I never had, it did not turn out that way but I love her and my kids love her, they adore her. His sister was already engaged to be married in September. We came along and had a Wedding before them. We did not do it to cause pain or strife, it just happened that way. Jeremy and I prayed about everything and the Wedding date was a big thing we prayed about. When you meet, court and get married all in six months there are challenges but the Lord brought us through them. Some did not support us, some did not understand. Some said we were rushing it, some even said that we would not make it because we went too fast. That was so painful for me, so painful. I still don't even like to think about it. But today is our five year Wedding Anniversary and I just want to say, look at us now! In just a couple of hours I will go pick up our three and a half year old son from my Mom. Our one and a half year old daughter is looking at books right now as she listens to bible stories on cd and inside my belly is a baby that we can't wait to meet this coming January. In a few weeks we will know if it's a boy or a girl!

It's been a tough five years at times but it has also been an amazing five years. I am married to my best friend and there is no one else better for me than him. God gave me things in Jeremy that I did not even know I needed. He loves me more than anyone has ever loved me. He is an amazing father and he can do ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING he wants with his hands. He can build anything, fix anything, create anything, he can do anything and everything. He's a man's man and he is my man. But more than that, he is God's man. Every night I watch him lay in bed and read his bible for thirty minutes, I listen to him give counsel on the phone to hurting friends and I see him raise his hands in worship. He loves God and he longs to serve Him. That's what I love most about him. When I am up on a stage singing a song, I know he is in the audience praying I hit every note. In fact, I know he is probably more nervous than I am. He brags on my cooking and not just to me, to everyone. He takes me fishing and tells me that he would rather go with me than one of the guys and I actually believe that! He laughs at my jokes, he always holds my hand and he smiles at me constantly. I pray constantly that I can make him as happy as he has made me. Oh how I love him. I wrote a song to him that I sang on our Wedding Day. The last line of the chorus said, "I never thought this dream would come true, but this day I do." That was truly how I felt. The Lord gave me something that I really thought would never happen. I did not think it was possible and on August 3rd, 2001, I realize that God had answered my prayers in such a supernatural, incredible way. There is no way I can ever doubt that we were meant to be. I never knew how wonderful my life with Jeremy would be but This Day I Do. God does the impossible, God does things that we would never do. God does things to show others how much he truly loves us. That's what our marriage is about! It's a testimony of God's amazing love and supernatural ways. He did it all! Thank you Lord for my husband!

Happy 5 year Anniversary Babe. You just called me to tell me you couldn't wait for our date tonight. That made me smile! You have made all my dreams come true. When I pray for Josiah I pray that he will grow up to be a man exactly like you. When I pray for Ava Beth I pray that she will find a man that will love her like you love her Mommy and like you love her. You take care of us and you love us with everything you have. I am so proud to stand next to you. Of course your looks had me from the beginning but now it's so much more. But I will say that I love having a man like you who also happens to be so goodlooking. You're hot babe! You are hot! It's only been five years and look how much God has blessed us! Can you imagine all the blessings to come? I love you my friend and husband. Thank you for bringing about so much healing to my life. You were the healing balm I needed. I am the luckiest, most blessed woman I know because I have you.

This Day I Do

2006-08-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

Please allow me to show off pictures from one of the greatest moments of my life!

The Beginning

2006-08-02T07:18:00.000-07:00

I had finally reached a point where I really was not looking to date anyone. A three year relationship had ended just months before and the last year of that relationship had totally beaten me down. My self esteem was gone and I really felt that there was not a guy out there that would love me as much as I loved him. So I gave up. A month prior to visiting this church, I had prayed a very sincere prayer. It was January 1st, 2001, a night I will never forget as long as I live. I was lonely, afraid and had a horrible sense of not feeling loved. I lived alone in an apartment in Irving, Texas (Las Colinas) so of course on that New Years Day evening, I was by myself. After my great grandmother died, I inherited a beautiful wingback chair and I sat in that chair when I would read my Bible. But that night I decided to kneel at that chair instead of sit. It was a moment with God that really changed my life. I envisioned Jesus sitting in that chair and me kneeling at His feet with my head in his lap. The brokenness allowed me to feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. The pain I was feeling had been building up for years and years. Finally it all came to surface and I talked to Jesus as my Savior. I shared my heart and all that was in it. While doing so I missed having a Dad. I missed having a Father that would stroke my hair and tell me that everything was going to be okay. So that night, I laid my head in that chair and envisioned Jesus telling me that He would take care of me. As He stroked my hair, I knew everything would be alright. I journaled that night and I wrote what I felt like the Holy Spirit had revealed to me. "Today is the beginning of a brand new season for you. There is healing you have yet to experience but now it's time. Allow me to love you like you have never been loved. Allow me to heal that precious little girl. Allow me to give you all that you have ever dreamt of. The plan I have for you is like nothing you ever imagined. Now it's time to rest. Rest in my arms while I change everything." I always know when the Lord has spoken to me because I can find scripture in His word that goes with what He has revealed to my spirit. After a couple of hours of praying and journaling, the last thing I prayed and also wrote in my journal was this. "Lord, I do not want to date anymore. I am almost twenty-five years old and I know that I want to be married. I don't know when that time will come but as I focus on you, please do not allow me to become distracted by dating. The only man I am interested in is my husband. Until you are ready to bring him into my life, protect me from dating anyone else. "

Walking into a new church that day, I had on idea that I would meet someone that would change my life forever. I new I needed to find a new church and I new that I wanted to experience God in a whole new way. But I had no idea that all I needed, all that I had ever prayed for would be inside that church. My prayer time with the Lord had become powerful. I was experiencing God in amazing ways. He was revealing himself to me in ways I had never experienced. Even now when I am feeling disconnected, I go back to that time and try to figure out what I was doing that caused me to walk so closely to Him. It's really simple. I was chasing Him. I was doing everything I knew to serve Him and honor Him. I was truly falling in love with my Lord. I was saved when I was five years old and I have never had a time in my life when I walked away from Him. But there are distinct times in my life that made for huge spiritual markers. This was one of those times. I was on a mission and no one was going to get in my way.

After that night on January 1st, I journaled constantly. In the midst of writing in one particular journal, I felt like the Lord was showing me that I needed to buy a new journal and hold on to it. So one night in Wal Mart, I picked up a little spiral notebook and carried it in my purse. I was still unsure what I was supposed to do with the journal because I already had one that I was currently writing in. A few days after buying it, I was driving in my car praying. It was then that I heard the spirit of the Lord say, "Write to your husband. Write about this time in your life. Write what I am doing in your life. Be faithful to writing. Share your worries, your fears, your dreams, your desires. Share your heart." Back then I did not tell anyone about the things that the Lord was revealing to me. I was afraid to say things like, "The Lord told me to do this or I heard the Lord telling me.." But now, I can write and say these things with boldness. We all experience God differently and while some have a hard time understanding that the Lord can actually speak to us, I know that He has spoken to me. Through the years I have learned when it's Him and what He's saying.

So I began writing to my husband on January 31st. On February 11th, just a few days later, I met Jeremy. My Mom and Step-Dad (I hate using the word step but I have to for all of you because I have written about my real dad a lot) were in town from Houston and decided to go to church with me. The church I was visiting was actually the church that my Mom had grown up in. For all of you Christian Music lovers out there, the Pastor of this church was Dan Dean from Phillips, Craig and Dean. His wife was my Mom's best friend growing up so that was kind of the reason I had decided to visit. I had heard the music was incredible so I was excited to visit. When my parents and I walked through the door, we sat down in a pew. In fact, this pew was a pew pre-destined for ME. There are many more details to this story but the most important detail to share was who was sitting behind me. It was Jeremy. He was smiling, of course. He always has a smile on his face. People comment to me all the time how Jeremy always has a smile on his face. It's a contagious smile and one that I was not about to forget.

(I did not know Jeremy in this picture. This is the church where we met. Also this is the church where he was saved before I knew him. This is my favorite picture of Jeremy's smile because even as he was coming out of the water from baptism, he was smiling. That is the true Jeremy, always smiling.)

Pastor Dan preached a sermon about how we need replenishers in our life. He said that we all need people to come into our lives that will replenish us instead of draining us. His focus was Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 . I have a mark in bible on those verses with the date February 11th, 2001. While I was listening to his message, it was another moment when I heard the spirit of the Lord speak to me, "Your husband is behind you." Right away I felt like maybe I was crazy. Many thoughts were racing inside my head. " Why on earth would God bring my husband to me so fast? Wasn't I going to have to wait and learn something else? Surely after praying that prayer on January 1st, my prayer would not be answered so soon. Or did God really mean that my husband was behind me physically?? Or did he mean my husband was in my past, an old boyfriend that would come back into my life? Could it mean that gorgeous guy sitting behind me with that wonderful smile? There's no way that guy would like me! He's too cute!" Seriously, that's the exact though pattern that went through my head. After the service was over, my parents wanted to go down and say hi to Pastor Dan and his wife. While it was a reunion for my Mom, it was a tough day for me but exciting too. The message was powerful, the guy behind me was really goodlooking and I was still thrown off by what I felt like the Lord had revealed to me. And then, it got better.

Pastor Dan asked if he could pray for me. He said that while he was speaking during his message, the Lord showed him that the message he was giving was for me. Before that day I had never spoken to Dan Dean. He didn't even know my name and he really did not know anything about me or what I was currently going through. I was just in shock that the guy I had heard sing on the radio for many years was concerned with praying over me! Again, God revealed himself to me in a whole new way. Pastor Dan prayed for me and afterwards he looked at me and said these words. "Amanda, God has got something big for you. I don't know what it is but I feel it. I don't know what you have been praying for but He's getting ready to answer your prayer! You need a replenisher! I don't know if it's a friend you have been praying God would send you or a husband but this person is about to come into your life and love you like you have never humanly been loved. This person will bring about healing that you have needed. When it happens, BOTH of you will instantly know (then he snapped his fingers) that this is from God! So sit back and let God do it!" Okay, so now I am speechless and let me tell you I'm a believer too! God was definitely moving and I was excited!

Did I mention that the guy sitting behind me, Jeremy, overheard me talking to someone, realized I was single and invited me to his lifegroup that week? Again, an act of God because this guy, now my husband, is a very shy person. That was not like him at all. So my parents and I left and grabbed something quick to eat so they could head back to Houston. My Mom has a whole story of her own about that day. She knew Jeremy was the one but she did not tell me that day. That night I pulled out that journal I had been using and wrote to my husband. I was still doubtful, I was not convinced that the man I met that day was my husband. From his looks, I sure hoped he was. But, I just couldn't imagine the Lord answering my prayer for a husband so soon.

Tuesday night came, February 13th and I went to the Bible Study at Jeremy's apartment. And the story begins!

(Tomorrow is our five year Wedding Anniversary. Of course I will finish the story! I have been trying to post a picture to this but blogger is not letting me.)

Lots to love and lots to change

2006-07-31T00:57:00.000-07:00

I thought I would change my profile picture to something a little more like me! I am a lot of fun! Okay?! Yes, I know my blog writing tends to lean towards the more serious side at times. But I will make you laugh! I will be the loudest, the craziest and the most gregarious person at the party. Well, unless Minnie is there. She is a tad bit louder, especially when she laughs! Anyway, I am sure I will change my profile picture as much as I change my hair and I actually just changed the hair last weekend but I don't have a picture so you are stuck with a picture from a couple of months ago. No, I did not cut it! It's the color, only color. This is the part of me that I love. My ability to make others laugh, do impersonations and sing at the top of my lungs while trying on clothes in the dressing room or using a public restroom (when I do this, I am usually with my best friend Rebecca), this is the part of me I am proud of! I never meet a stranger and I am a good communicator in person. No college degree but I could always interview well! So as a single adult I had great paying jobs. I like to eat out all the time, I like to go to Target and Wal Mart with a friend, not by myself and of course I would never eat out alone. It's not because I'm afraid to be alone, I just don't want to! I want to be around people constantly. I can sing or speak in front of thousands, I actually love it. While this may sound like I am just a big bragger, I am explaining the "I" that I am. If you have ever taken the DISC test, you know what I am referring to. But there is something I don't like about this test one bit! The results! I went through this testing in a Life Management course I went through that was created by Dr. Phil. It was expensive, gut wrenching, life changing and also horrible to go through. But, that was the first time I had taken the DISC test and discovered that I was not only an "I", but also a "D". In fact, my "D" and "I" were totally even on the chart. Again, if you have taken this then you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, I am quite sure you can google "DISC" and find all the information. I have now taken the test five times, hoping to see that my "I" was all alone while the other letters were way down the chart but each time the results are the same. I am a "D"/ "I". And this my friends, I hate. I don't want to be a "D"!

I like to get my own way, I will prove my point, I am honest and sometimes too honest, I want to be in charge, I will be in charge, I lead and it's extremely hard for me to sit back and follow. It's hard for me to be silent and not share my opinion and I am argumentative at times. Of course there are great things about being a "D", but since this is the part of me that usually brings trouble my way, I struggle with it a lot. Over the past month, I have really been praying about this area in my life. It's confusing for me and confusing for others I am sure. At times I am the total "I" and then if there is something I am passionate about in any way, the "D" comes barreling through! When I come across other people that fall under that "D" category, I realize how I can come across. I see it in them and then realize, "Yikes! I do that too!"

Living a spirit filled life is tough, especially when you put yourself in a box and label yourself with personalities types. I don't want to do that. But I do realize that there is a lot of truth to the results of the tests I have taken. I know that there are traits in my personality that has to be checked or sanctified. I can't strive for Holiness when I am trying to get my own way. I cannot be a Godly woman with a gentle spirit if I have to be the center of attention. As I have prayed about this for the past few weeks, the thing I come back to over and over again is self examination before the Lord. I want to be so in tune with the Lord that I feel convicted over everything I do that doesn't glorify Him. It may be a TV show I am watching, a song I am listening to or the content of my conversations or thoughts. When I get alone and listen to the Lord, He lets me know. He lets me know what doesn't match up with Him.

1. A woman addicted to reality TV or TV period! That does not line up with what I know the Lord has called me to do with my life and my testimony. Having TiVo does not help this addiction. I HAVE TO KEEP THIS IN CHECK. My time is filled with TOO many shows that I can't miss. It has become an idol. This is the most difficult conviction to deal with.

2. A woman that wants to be center stage at all times, that does not match up with what I know the Lord has called me to do. Even though I know he has called me to sing and speak, this will be something I always have to keep in check. It can't be about me!

3. A woman driven to do it my way, that does not line up with what God has called me to do. Things in my personality have to be sanctified. If I walk in the spirit, these traits will be sanctified.

4. A woman that has to have nice things in her house or new clothes to make her feel good, this is not what God has called me to be. Those things cannot be my treasure. This gets in the way of so many women's lives and it is one that could definitely take over mine. This takes a lot of prayer! If I posted pictures of my house on my blog, I would want you to see my decorating, my nice things, etc. Now to some of you that may not sound like an issue, but I know that my heart would not have the purest motive. I would want you to see my "stuff." That's wrong.

5. A woman that has to use this blog to make others think she has it all together, that is not what God has called me to do. I don't want to show off, or use this blog to lure anyone into thinking I am something I am not. If I have two readers, then I have two readers. I constantly pray that the Lord will not allow me to get sucked into certain things when it comes to blogging. It's so tempting.

Those are just five things that the Lord is showing me in my own life. I relate it to my personality traits because I am learning what I have to watch out for as I walk my path. Whenever we find a church that we will join, I will struggle. I will struggle with wanting the important people to know that I sing and all the places I have sung. I will want to tell them about all the stuff I have done, all the stuff I can do. I will sit in a Bible Study and long to be teaching it myself. I will sit in the congregation, listen to the music and picture myself up there singing. It's my flesh, it's my personality, it's my struggle and I have to learn to sit back and allow the Lord to make room for my gifts. Honestly, I am dreading the challenge. I would rather be a rock star, instantly. There's lots to love but lots to change.

Lord, you are always showing me things that need to change. But I thank you for also showing me the things that are great about me too. I constantly have to remind myself that you created me with these traits and if I walk in your spirit, they will be beautiful traits and used for the kingdom. Thank you for teaching me and getting me to a place where I can hear you so well.

Lots going on in this head of mine!

2006-07-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

So last night I figured out how quickly I could become obsessed with Sudoku! Once I introduced this game to my Mom, she was obsessed instantly and is now sending me emails with her best time on solving. I don't need another time waster in my life but oh it is fun to play!

Today I read that Andrea Yates was found NOT GUILTY in the murders of her children. But I don't think it would be a good idea for me to even explore my feelings on this subject matter. I am sure there are many opinions out there. Mine are extremely strong so I will keep them to myself and of course I will share them with my sweet husband. But if you get a chance, read the article that I have linked with her name. They jurors believe she is insane. A long drawn out trial to come to the conclusion that she is insane?? I think we knew that the moment we heard she murdered her children! Okay, here I go. I need to move on or I will turn this blog post into my feelings on Andrea Yates. Not a good idea. I do pray that she finds the help she needs, she is very sick.

This morning I had a sonogram and I think today was the day! Today it finally sunk in that I am going to be a mother of three come January! Wow. Good news, the morning sickness is GONE!Well, except for when I brush my teeth! My Doctor told me today, "You are what we call, perfect. Everything looks great." I asked if I could get that in writing so I could show my husband but he just laughed. Seriously though! I know he was referring to the pregnancy but I know I heard the word PERFECT mixed in with my name! When I saw the hands and the feet and the head and pretty much the whole baby, I was ecstatic. Even though this is my third, the excitement is still booming with this one just as much as the other two. The baby was jumping all around and my Doctor printed tons of pictures and gave Josiah one too. Just a little while ago when I was putting him down for a nap, he asked if he could have the picture of his baby brother in his room. He is really thinking it's a boy and so does Daddy. But, I have NO IDEA! After having Ava Beth, I think another boy would be great! She is a hand full! Boy, girl, makes no difference to me! Healthy baby is what I want! We find out what we are having on August 31st unless one of my sonographer friends can sneak me in. I have two friends that do sonograms for a living so with both of my other kids, I knew at 15 weeks what they were. Soon I will be loading THREE kids in the car. I think I am still in shock!

Today I am reading Romans, chapter five. I am really enjoying Romans. I would love to get a book or commentary just on Romans. The Lord is really revealing so many things to me. Chapter four was awesome too. We have been contemplating the name Abraham for a boy so reading about him in chapter four really made me love that name and all that it stands for. We could all take a lesson from Abraham. 4:1-3 So how do we fit what we know of Abraham, our first father in the faith, into this new way of looking at things? If Abraham, by what he did for God, got God to approve him, he could certainly have taken credit for it. But the story we're given is a God-story, not an Abraham-story. What we read in Scripture is, "Abraham entered into what God was doing for him, and that was the turning point. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own." The faith of Abraham is amazing. It's supernatural. When everything looked hopeless, Abraham believed. Do I have faith like that? That's the faith I want! This passage talks about how Abraham did not live his life based on what he couldn't do but he lived his life based on what God said he would do! Abraham never focused on his 100 year old body or Sarah's infertility, he focused on what God said he would do! Verse 18 says that God himself said to him, "You're going to have a big family,Abraham!" This chapter really is amazing and it will renew your faith in so many ways. Read chapter four today!

Playing Sudoku, reading the paper, going to an OB appointment and spending time with my Lord by reading His word has given me lots to think about today and talk about. But still, all day long I have been thinking about Amy. How is she feeling today? Is she scared? Is she having a good day? I wish I could go and sit with her, pray for her or sing to her. She needs so many of us to stand in the gap for her, to intercede for her and to have faith for her. Abraham would have faith for Amy. He would tell her that God can do ANYTHING. So today I am praying that Amy will feel the spirit of the Lord and that she will BELIEVE that God can do anything for her, anything.

Thank you Jesus for all that you have done for me. Thank you for teaching me, correcting me, but most of all for loving me. I know that there is nothing I can do to separate me from your love. Thank you for your word and all that I learn from it. You have changed me, you have healed me, you have done for me all that you said you would do and more. You are my savior.

Blessings galore

2006-07-25T11:54:00.000-07:00

As open and honest as I usually am on this blog, there is one thing that is very difficult for me to write about. There is a part of pride that I deal with in a big way. Money. When I was growing up, we did not have money. I did not get to be a pee wee football cheerleader, attend ballet or tap classes, gymnastics or anything extra curricular until I got into junior high. But I always wanted to. When I lived with my Dad after my parents split up, I never had lunch money and I remember feeling like the biggest dork while I was in the pep club in 7th grade because I did not have Guess Jean overalls. All the girls in Pep Club had Guess Jean overalls and every color of Keds you could imagine. They would gather at lunch and talk about their moms taking them to the Espirit Outlet in Dallas over the weekend. Oh how I longed to be one of those girls. After school, I never had a ride home so I walked. I did not want the other Pep Club girls to know that I lived in crummy apartments so I walked a back way. That way no one would see me walking home. We all know that junior high/middle school can be tough especially for someone like me that had no idea what she would walk into when she got home each day. But I lived with a lot of shame. I did not want anyone to know that I did not have lunch money so I would sit at lunch and act like I was not hungry or I would find enough change and buy a coke and chips. That was my lunch just about every day or I had nothing at all. So when it comes to money, or the lack there of, my pride comes to surface in a big way. Especially now!

When we moved into this house a year ago, we had no idea what was ahead. We did not plan on Jeremy injuring his back. He has worked for UPS for twelve years and during that time he has called in sick ONCE. So his back injury has been very difficult for him to handle. His pay went down drastically because he was put on light duty. He is still on light duty but praise the Lord he is finally getting to work normal hours again, so his pay is almost back to normal. Daily I am praying that he does not get put on full workers comp. That would be devastating. A lot has happened this year and it seems that our finances have reached a terrible place. There are things we are doing to help relieve us of so much debt. But it will be a process to say the least. I started a Holiday Baking Business last November and grossed almost $2,000! Even though I will be a big pregnant woman with my third by that point, I still plan to do it again. It was a huge success! I also have been babysitting my friend's kids. She has four so I have helped with the younger two. That will be ending in a couple of weeks but I am constantly praying that the Lord will give me opportunities to make extra money. He has provided every single time!

My UPS man, my husband, is the most hardworking man you will meet. His boss called here last Saturday night to ask him something about work. He was leaving for vacation with his family but wanted to check with Jeremy on something. Jeremy had gone to the movie store so I answered the phone. I am a talker and it's easy for me to make conversation with a stranger so I jokingly said, "Uh oh! What did he do?" His boss said, "Jeremy? Nothing. He is our best driver at the Dallas hub and we are sick about his injury. We just want him to get better. But since he is on light duty he is really helping us teach other drivers. He has more knowledge of the routes than we do." Wow! That was a great thing to hear about my husband. I started thinking about Proverbs 31 and what it says about her husband being respected at the city gates. I am so proud of Him. As I write this I am realizing how much I need to tell him too. He's having such a hard time right now and I need to serve him in every way. I need to praise him! I did not start this post with Jeremy on my mind. I wanted to share with you all that God has been doing for us. But even as I write the Lord is showing me what I need to do for my husband.

So last month some of our really good friends sent us their tithe check. They were in the process of finding a church home after moving and knew they needed to tithe but didn't know where to send their tithe. We got their tithe check! I did not ask for money, I did not hint about money. She knew what our circumstances were and the Lord placed my family on her and her husband's heart. Not too long ago I wrote a check for $100 and gave it to a family in need. I had no idea how bad we would be struggling soon after that. We had no clue that when we came back from my 30th birthday vacation in Mexico that Jeremy would be badly hurt. Oh how I wished I had that $100.00 back as well as all the money we had spent on the cruise! But the Lord gave that money back to us, actually he quadrupled it! Then several weeks later we were at a tough spot again. Jeremy had cashed in two weeks of his vacations, we had nothing in savings and things were getting scary. I wondered how I was going to get diapers, groceries, etc. on what was in our bank account. That night the doorbell rang it was another good friend with a car full of groceries and a gift card to Wal Mart. I did not ask her for money. I did not hint about money. She knew our circumstances and the Lord placed us once again on someone's heart. I knew it was from the Lord when she said, "I prayed while I was in the grocery store about what to buy. I know some of the stuff you buy just from coming over here but I really prayed that the Holy Spirit would speak to me." She had no idea that we had been eating a ton of strawberries. Actually it has been a craving of mine during this pregnancy. She pulled strawberries out of the bag and said, "I don't know if y'all even like these but I felt like I was supposed to buy them." Of course, tears came to my eyes. I was AMAZED at what the Lord had done! I always but 2% milk and whole milk. She did the same. I buy a certain cheese, certain lunch meat and whole grain bread, so did she. After she left I remember that she had also brought a card for me. I opened it up and there was a $30 gift card to Wal Mart which helped with diapers and the next week's grocery bill. God is good! I was so blessed and I know that my friends are going to be blessed in such an amazing way because they were obedient to the what the Lord has showed them to do. (To both of my friends, you know who you are, thank you. You bless me just about daily. We may be on the phone or talking in person, but both of you are truly the greatest friends I could ever hope or pray for. I love you both so much.)

There is something else pretty amazing that He did. I am still sitting back in total disbelief over this one! When I was pregnant with Ava Beth, I bought maternity clothes constantly. I was singing a lot and wanted to have something new to sing in. I love fashion. It has always been kind of my hobby you could say. I love trends, I love things that are only in style for a short while. That's just me! My husband says his hobby is fishing and mine is buying shoes and clothes! He's totally right! When I was pregnant with Josiah and Ava Beth I was able to spend more. We had a smaller mortgage payment and for a while only one car payment. I felt really blessed to have the clothes I had during my pregnancies. After I had Ava Beth I decided to loan my maternity clothes out. I really wanted to bless someone else. Without going into the details, I found out a few months ago that my maternity clothes had been lost. Then a few weeks ago I was told that they were placed in a trash bag and accidentally thrown in the trash sometime after Christmas. I had denim jackets, denim skirts, tank tops, a bathing suit, jeans, so many things. Also I loaned Josiah's baby bedding that was Pottery Barn Kids and it is gone too. That hurt pretty bad too because my inlwas gave that to us as a gift. I was hoping to use it again if I had another boy. Honestly even though they are just clothes, I don't think I have ever grieved over something so much. When I found out I was pregnant with my third, the grief only intensified especially knowing our financial situation. I was not offered any compensation for all that was lost and DAILY, DAILY, DAILY, I have to pray about forgiving the people involved. But through the battle in my mind over this, I have prayed that the Lord would replace that which was stolen from me. My heart was pure and joyful in loaning those clothes and baby bedding out. Of course now I will probably never loan anything again, I will just give instead of loan. Since this is my third child, I am showing now. I am only thirteen weeks but my flat belly is no more! On Saturday someone said, "Your belly is so cute. It's like a little basketball!" But I quickly said, "I should not have a basketball at thirteen weeks! This should be here at sixteen or seventeen weeks!" My point is, I am showing and my need for maternity clothes is instant!

My best friend, Rebecca, lived across the street from me for almost for years until we moved last Summer. We have always been inseparable and that's why we built our homes across the street from each other. I can tell her anything and she knows EVERYTHING about me, EVERTHING! My kids call her Aunt Rae Rae and she will be in the room for the birth of our third child. We are close! So obviously she knows my situation. Last week when I realized I was not going to be able to wear normal clothes within the next week, I got really down. Jeremy told me I could spend $30.00 at Old Navy's Summer sale! I went online and I got a bathing suit and two really cute tank tops plus shipping for $30.00! I was starting to feel better! Rebecca calls me every single morning but I missed her calls a few times last week. She finally got a hold of me in the afternoon and said, "Just listen to me. Don't say no. I have been praying about this and I talked to Greg about this (her husband) and this is what the Lord has clearly showed me to do. Friday we are going shopping. I have $100 to give you for maternity clothes! You can pick them out, I know that's what you would love to do!" Even as I write this, I cry because God is so amazing! We went to Grapevine Mills (my favorite place) and I got some VERY cute stuff at the Gap outlet and a few other places and I still have $55 left! During one of my quiet times with the Lord I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me that the clothes would be replaced with better things than I had before. A few days later, I got that call from my best friend Rebecca telling me I had $100 to spend. (Rebecca, I love you so much! I mean Betty Sue, I love you so much. Love, Barbara Jean.)

I don't share all of this to make you feel sorry for me. Don't! God is providing in the most incredible ways. We are starting to see the light too and I think we will be able to get caught up soon! I am praying! But if we weren't in this predicament, we never would have been able to see God bless us in the many ways he has through other people! We have not gone without once! In fact I was able to buy the kids a few things too. So if you are need of ANYTHING, just know that the Lord will provide. He has for me!

Thanks for reading such a long post. I pray that the Lord will bless you like he has blessed me and my family!

Ephesians 3: 20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,

(PLEASE DO NOT COMMENT ABOUT THE MATERNITY CLOTHES. I did not mention it to have all of you get mad! :) Okay?!)

Amy

2006-07-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

The blogging world has really changed my life in many ways. A man that blogs would probably never say something like that but a woman that blogs would understand exactly what I mean. I need relationships, interaction, encouragement and wisdom poured into my life. Sometimes it's a recipe I find on someone's blog that I try out by making for my family. My husband loves it so I share it with my girlfriends! Now I have a new recipe! It may be a blog I read that pertains to children. I've taken a few ideas from other Moms when it comes to disciplining and put them into practice in my home with my kids. Or maybe I read another women's blog that has been brave enough to share her life struggles. Then I am able to minister to another woman with a word of encouragement and out of that may come a friendship. Then there are those of you that come to my blog and bless me with your precious words in the comment section. Everyday I feel so honored just to have someone reading. Blogging has put me in contact with some amazing women in this world. Some live in Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas or Louisiana. While many others live in Michigan, California, Colorado, New York and even Australia, Canada and Brazil. It's neat knowing so many people all over the world. These women bless me!

Today I met someone brand new. She doesn't know me but I feel like I already know her. This was my first trip to her site. Many other bloggers are talking about her so I decided to go check out her site and read her story. This beautiful woman is one you can't forget. If you visit her site, your thoughts will be consumed with Amy. The Lord will speak to your heart in a way He probably never has when you read her posts. You will cry, you will smile, you will long to meet Amy when you read her blog. She will leave you speechless and make you feel like there are no words you possibly have to share. But, go ahead and share. She needs all of you amazing women to encourage her in the Lord. Next time you have a bad day, get in a mood, throw a fit or think your life is bad, you will think of Amy. She will give you the courage to face anything. She will tell you that no matter what comes, we still must praise our Lord.

I've decided to put Amy's name on my refrigerator so I can pray for her in the kitchen. I am going to put her name on my bathroom mirror, inside my car, inside my Bible and on my computer. I want to carry Amy with me wherever I go! As I read her blog today I kept hearing these words in my mind. God can do anything! He can heal Amy! Pray for total and complete healing! So that's what I'm going to do. I am going to pray for healing and I'm not going to stop!

Please join me.

What makes a woman of God?

2006-07-20T05:56:00.000-07:00

Even though I have lived in Texas my entire life, there are times when I would love to live somewhere else during the Summer. For the past nine days in a row, the temperature has reached triple digits. Last night at 10:15pm, it was 97 degrees in Dallas. Have you ever been reading a wonderful fiction book that referred to cool Summer nights? I have and I have no idea what on earth a cool summer night is! Most definitely when I am asked what my favorite season is, I will always answer Fall. Never, never, never, never would I say Summer! However I did get married in August but it was in a very cold, air conditioned church. That's the way I like it, cold. Now I know it's only July but I find myself longing for the new season. My mind is already starting to think about local craft fairs at the big High Schools (even my own High School), Hobby Lobby Christmas Sales and Pumpkin Spice or Eggnog Latte from Starbucks. That is the only time of year I enjoy sweet coffee drinks! Oh and the sound of my KitchenAid mixer mixing up the homemade batter for Pumpkin Bread! And I love the way my front yard looks, better yet my entire cul-de-sac, when the leaves have fallen. I can walk outside on Friday nights and hear the sound of the marching band at the Football stadium and every other Friday night it's my Alma Mater. Of course I can't forget trips to the Pumpkin Patch in Flower Mound, Texas when the kids get to pick out their own pumpkin and we take a ton if pictures in outfits bought especially for that day. After we carve the pumpkin, there's always the pumpkin seeds I roast to look forward to. Let's not forget the fun trip to Target and Old Navy to find the perfect Halloween Costumes! Then The Texas State Fair with the Candied Apples, Funnel Cakes, CornyDogs, and many other yummy delights! I can't wait to see Big Tex! Last but certainly not least, the Sundays after church when the Cowboys are playing, the Chili is cooking and the windows are open as we let the cool breeze rush through the windows. Ahhhh. I am so ready for Fall. This is when tradition takes place, wonderful food is made and consumed, and memories are created that last a lifetime. But it's still July and we've got several more months to anticipate and dream of Fall.

There are so many times in my life that I have longed to be somewhere else and maybe someone else. When I was a kid I couldn't wait for School to end, School to start, Christmas to come, Spring break to come, my Birthday to come. It would come in a flash and then I would be on to hoping and waiting for the next big event. Or when I was in sixth grade and experiencing a very bad life living with my Dad, I longed to be one of the cheerleaders or one of the girls that had a Mom that picked them up from school every day while I rode the bus. I wanted to go home to a house instead of an empty apartment. I wanted my parents to be married, instead of divorced. I would have changed lives with anyone at that point. While some of those feelings were totally healthy and normal, I learned then to always look further ahead and wish for something more. In Junior High I couldn't wait to be in High School and in High School I couldn't wait to be in College. During my single years, I constantly wanted to be married and when I got married, I couldn't wait to have babies. When Josiah was born, my first child, I couldn't wait for him to be three months. Maybe then we would be done with Acid Reflux and the colic would be gone! The colic was gone but the Acid reflux stuck around for six more months! When He sat up on his own, I couldn't wait to see Him crawl and the list goes on and on and on. A year ago I couldn't wait to have a bigger and better house, now I do. But I find myself wanting new furniture, a fourth bedroom and an upgraded kitchen. There is always something more, something new, something better or something different that I will find myself wanting. And when I get it, I am satisfied. Then soon after I find myself longing for the next season or a bigger house, better furniture, a new outfit, a new SUV, a vacation or some kind of event to bring me happiness!

It's not a bad thing to want a new outfit, a new car or a new house. I don't think it's bad to long for cooler weather instead of 104 degree weather! But there is a dangerous trap many fall into. When we live for the events, when shopping becomes a way to make us feel better, when we have to have vacations to make us happy or new things to nurse us back to life, it's wrong. Plain and simple, it is wrong and a dangerous way to live our lives. One of my favorite books in the Bible is Ecclesiastes. This book talks about the things we go after, the time we spend working and the way we put meaning into things of this world. Verse two starts off by saying, "Everything is Meaningless, " says the teacher, "utterly meaningless!"

Some people in this world have a heart for homeless people, a passion to love them and bring them to the ways of the Lord. I have seen them in the streets ministering to them with their Bible and feeding them because they are hungry. Others love to teach children about Jesus and how they can know and live for them. They teach them how to obey their parents and get along with their friends and siblings. They have a real calling to minister to young souls. Some teach youth or college kids. Well the past couple of years God has given me a heart for Women. Women like me. Women that just need to know that they are loved. Women that need to know how to tap into the fullness of Christ and how to truly have a daily relationship with Him. I have a hunger, a passion, to bring women to the Lord and I pray daily that God will use me to show other women how to be set free from their past. I am a Women's minister and that's what my passion is in this life. As I pray and as I read His word, I pray that He speaks to me and shows me areas in my life that need to change, be refined or removed completely. Since I know that He has called me to be a minister to Women, I know that the things He reveals to me will speak to the heart of women. I know it because it comes from HIM! This morning as I read, I knew the Lord was laying this blog post on my heart. It's neat how God works because I never "preach" it, I just try to "share" it. That's all I can do because it's God speaking to me about my OWN life! I am a woman that struggles with being content and if women will lay all pride aside, I think all would be able to say, they do too.

We need to enjoy who we are, love the woman God created us to be and seek contentment daily. Just another reason to be in the Bible and meditate on His Word daily. We can't do it alone, it is impossible. I get excited, I get a huge smile on my face when I think about women finding true joy and contentment in Jesus. That's what we should long for. That's what we should go after! That's what makes a beautiful, secure, woman of God.

Ecclesiastes 1:3What do people get for all their hard work? 4Generations come and go, but nothing really changes. 5The sun rises and sets and hurries around to rise again. 6The wind blows south and north, here and there, twisting back and forth, getting nowhere. 7The rivers run into the sea, but the sea is never full. Then the water returns again to the rivers and flows again to the sea. 8Everything is so weary and tiresome! No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content.

6:9Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don't have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless; it is like chasing the wind.

Reading my Bible

2006-07-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks my Bible reading has not been where it needs to be. Instead I have spent time reading Karen Hughes' book, Ten Minutes From Normal. It's a great book and I have always admired Karen Hughes. But her book does not feed my spirit. For a long time I struggled with reading my Bible daily until my husband and I starting reading the One Year Bible together. After that I really made it a priority because I saw the difference in me and in my day. My husband has kept this up and whenever someone asks his advice on something he has gotten in the habit of asking, "Do you spend time in God's Word daily?" That is a pretty bold statement for Jeremy, especially if you know him. He's pretty quiet and does not usually say bold things. But he saw the difference it made in his life and wants others to experience it too.

It may sound like I am being critical or legalistic. I assure you I am just writing about the things God shows me and maybe what I write will be exactly what the Lord is speaking to you. It's a difficult thing for me to address in my own life. I love TV. I love reading blogs and I love reading certain types of books. Not too long ago I had a problem with buying magazines. I found myself reading People, US Weekly, InStyle, Real Simple or whatever magazine sparked my interest. My husband told me time and time again that I had an addiction to magazines. One day while I was reading the latest break up news on Nick and Jessica, the Holy Spirit really convicted me about what I was spending my time reading. Even now I am drawn to Entertainment Tonight, E News, Extra or and kind of celebrity gossip or talk. My obsession with Hollywood and fashion is a whole other blog so I better stay on target. I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me that I wasn't making time for Him. Instead I was watching TV or reading magazines or reading something else other than His Word during every spare moment I had. I knew at that point that He was definitely speaking to me and I needed to make some changes.

Several of you took a Bible reading journey with me a few months ago. We went through the entire book of John and then Galatians, Ephesians and Philippians. I presented the idea to my blog readers because many had emailed me sharing life struggles and many did not have a routine of spending time reading God's Word. So we started reading together, ONE chapter a day. Some were afraid to commit. But I shared how important and how life changing it is to study God's word daily. Even when it may not make sense to us, our spirit soaks it up. The Word is living, breathing, it has a heartbeat. It has to change us, it will change us! There are days when I have to read while sitting on the toilet or if I really seek discipline in my life, I would get up and read before the kids woke up. There is something about getting up before my kids that helps me prepare for my day and what better way to do than spend time with Him.

I can't fight a battle if I don't have God's word inside of me. I can't fight the enemy if I can't rebuke Him with God's Word. I can't do anything without Him and reading His Word is a part of having a relationship with Him. Too often I rely on Bible Studies or Devotions when I just need to open my Bible and read! So I have gotten off track and even though I start a new Bible study with a group of women on August 1st, I need something now. I need something daily. I'm not going to post any notes how I did in the past but I want to welcome any of you to read with me five days a week, Monday through Friday. One chapter a day is what I have committed myself to and I have chosen to study Romans. If you need some accountability when it comes to reading His Word, feel free to email me from my profile page. I would love to encourage you and pray for you.

As I read I know that the Lord is going to reveal to me brand new things and I can't wait to share them with you. Remember one chapter a day is easy and it can be done pretty quick. You may be waiting to pick the kids up from dance lessons or football practice and that's a perfect time to read. You may want to try getting up early, a great way to start your day! You may need to sneak into the bathroom and read in the bathtub. There is always time for God's Word. So think about the daily things you do and the time you can make for reading scripture. It will be the best time you have ever invested!

Psalm 1:2

Psalm 119:105

Proverbs 4:20-21

(I'm starting my daily reading tomorrow. Also I wanted to tell you that I went to church with a precious woman that had a Bible held together with duct tape. She used to read my blog and I think she still may. Mary, if you are reading I would love a bible reading testimony from you in the comments! I know you are a Woman of the Word!)

Delete

2006-07-18T05:41:00.000-07:00

For the past few months I have been having major issues with my mobile phone. It drops calls, there is often an echo and I can sometimes hear other people's conversations. The phone was bad and it only got worse after I dropped it into the water while I was having a pedicure one afternoon. Yes, I was sitting in the spa chair and I had placed the phone between my legs on the chair. I leaned up for something and it fell into the bubbling, hot water! It did dry out and I have used it ever since. My husband says it can't be too bad of a phone if it survived a pedicure! But ever since I have been on a mission to get a new phone! I knew the only way I could get a new phone right now would be through an upgrade offered by my mobile phone company. Last week after paying the bill online, I looked at our account page and much to my surprise my phone qualified for a FREE upgrade! Yesterday afternoon the Fed Ex lady delivered the phone to my front door. I felt like a kid waiting on a Christmas present to be delivered! It was perfect timing too. The kids were napping so I had time to set up my new, better, fancier, decked out mobile phone! The great thing about my phone company is they use something called the SIM card. The SIM card had stored all of the phone numbers that I had put into the phone. I hear stories of people getting new phones and having to manually type all of their information from the old phone into the new phone. I was excited to know that I would not have to take part in such a time consuming activity. Thank you SIM card! So I took my old SIM card and placed it in my new phone. Within sixty seconds I had transferred every phone number into my new phone. Then I took my new SIM card placed it in my new phone and called a number to activate my new phone. A very quick and easy process! I didn't have to set up voicemail, type in phone numbers or anything else. The SIM card did all of the work.

After setting up my new phone I decided to go through and look at all of the phone numbers. As I began to scroll, I realized all of the numbers that I had not used in a long time. Some are phone numbers of people that I used to go to church with but no longer keep in touch. Some are phone numbers I don't recognize and there are even names that I don't recognize. So much had been stored that needed to be deleted. An old friend, our Real Estate agent, our pediatrician we had in our former city, our Dentist we had in our former city, a lot of people from a place where we used to live. Since I had the time and the kids were sleeping, I decided to go ahead and delete all of the numbers I no longer use.

It seems that every time I get comfortable in this life, God comes along and shows me something in my life that needs to be taken care of. Something that needs to be deleted. It may be my attitude or resentment I'm holding on to. It may be an inability to forgive someone. Maybe it's the way I am treating my husband or the way I am disciplining my children. And quite often, it's the words that come from my mouth that need to be deleted so they can't even reach the tip of my tongue. There is always something in my life that could be refined or changed completely. My marriage is always in need of me changing my attitude or serving my husband 100% with my words, my actions and my body. I can always get better at parenting and I constantly need to forgive so that others can forgive me. As a Christian, we should never come to a point when we think there is nothing we need to change. There is always something that needs changing, always! We will never reach that point of completion until we stand at the feet of Jesus. So until then, we have to constantly take inventory of what has been programmed into our lives. A lot of things have been programmed that we don't need. Things that are not very becoming or flattering to a Godly woman. It's a place we have to come to where we can look deep inside, push our pride aside and admit to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ the things that are not pleasing to Him. We have to completely be naked before the Lord. When we do this, we experience freedom in Christ. It's worth the entire process and our lives will be changed.

Today I am thinking about all the things in my life that need to be deleted. It will be a manual process. You see I can't delete it until I can admit. The Lord has to show me all the things that need deleting before they can be deleted. Then I must confess it to Him. At that moment, I can be set free. Is there someone I am not forgiving? Is there something I have said about someone that is ugly? Am I gossiping? I am I negative? Am I withholding sexually from my Husband? What are my motives? What is the condition of my heart? Am I struggling with materialistic things? Is pride a big factor in my life? Do I think bad about myself? What are the things that keep me from seeing myself through the eyes of Jesus? What are the things that are keeping me from ministering? What are the things that are keeping me from knowing who I am in Christ?
Those are the things that must be deleted.

I used to sing a song in Sunday School when I was a little girl. It's a short song that comes straight from scripture. When I get alone with God and I allow myself to really expose the real me, I hear the song over and over again. "He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it..." And in my own words, faithful to delete it.

Philippians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus

Just some thoughts

2006-07-17T08:53:00.000-07:00

It's been an emotional few days for me. There are obvious things in my life that I need to change. For me, it's not so much a physical change, it's an attitude change. So I haven't posted in a few days because I've really been trying to push through and pray through a lot that I am feeling. Yes, I am sure that a lot has to do with being pregnant! Emotions! Yuck! While I would love to post pictures of the weekend, talk about my kids or share something that will make you think I am talented, pretty, cool or financially stable, I won't. I've never been good at pretending. While I do have a creative imagination, pretending about my life does not come easy for me. Sometimes that is a great thing and sometimes it's difficult. But today, it's a great thing because I can be honest with you! I'm really struggling right now but thankfully I can always hear my Heavenly Father so much better when I am in the "real" world. The "real" world is usually one that has pain and today I am struggling with pain. I know that blogging for many is a way to talk about their life and all that goes on in their day to day life. I use it for that too. But one thing I am always very conscience of is the condition of my heart. I have come to a point in my spiritual life where I can easily feel checks in my spirit. So I take this blogging thing seriously. My reason for blogging is not to stay in touch with anyone, not to keep grandparents filled in (they all live close by) and not to journal events for my children. My blog has been used for those reasons many times but really I want to minister to other women. That's my blogging purpose and I can't loose sight of that.

Writing is something that has always brought me peace. When I was a little girl, I would write in a journal. It helped me vent a lot of my frustration as a child. No one told me it was good writing because I was the only one to see it. Then in junior high and high school I really started to enjoy my English classes, especially when I had to write a paper. Then in my single days I attended a big church that had a huge sports ministry. The sports pastor had seen some devotions that I had written and asked me to start writing them for the flag football games and basketball games. Since I loved sports, it was easy for me to write devotionals that were sports minded. I really got into it and my devotions became popular. Honestly, I love to write but I don't consider myself to be as good as many of you blogging women out there. I don't have a formal education, I'm not an avid reader (I am starting to be) and my grammar is not great. Some people are so into grammar that my writing and grammatical errors would be a distraction for them. But, that's okay! I know I'm not perfect and I don't write for those reasons. I write for me and I write so the Lord can use me to minister to other women. Oh but I do love to learn and when I figure out how to write without messing up grammatically, I will be happy. Hey, that's what people have editors for! Right?! I do desire to be a fantastic writer and I want my writing to be good. But more than anything, I want my writing to be anointed. I want the Holy Spirit to speak to someone that needs to hear from Him from something I write. It's great knowing I don't have to be perfect in order to be used because my writing is FAR from perfect!

In the blogging world I have noticed many women that take this writing thing very seriously. Some have books, some win blogging awards and some are grammar queens. In fact, I am amazed at some of the writers out there in the blogging world. The stuff I have come across is amazing, totally amazing. Some write with humor that I just can't seem to find inside of me. Don't get me wrong, I have humor and lots of it but I am not always able to communicate it! Humorous writing is not necessarily my gift but those that write with humor make me laugh and bring joy to my blog reading daily! So lately I have felt kind of like an odd ball in the blogging world. The Lord has really been dealing with me on this issue over the past few days. Most people don't tell about horrible things from their childhood. In fact the more women I read, the more I learn about their childhoods and I am reading that many out there had great childhoods. I hate saying this but I am shocked by that! Also I read about these wonderful marriages, wonderful friendships and wonderful life experiences that people are having. It's made me wonder if I am the only one that has been where I have been. Am I the only one that had a horrible childhood? Am I the only one that really struggles to have a healthy marriage? Am I the only one that struggles with not wanting to have sex? Am I the only one with just a few dollars in my bank account right now? Am I the only one that is going through a very difficult financial time? Am I the only one who deals with worry? Am I the only one that has been hurt by friends? Am I the only one that struggles with acceptance? I don't expect everyone to write about deep things or bad things or personal things. But I do wonder how real all of us Christian women are with each other and I want my time spent to be on purpose. I know it's good to talk about the weather at times but it's hard for me. Some have told me that not being able to just "chat" is a bad thing. But, I think the Lord has wired me a certain way for a certain reason. I hope to figure that out soon!

This morning I prayed something very specific. "Show me things in my life that need to change. As you show me, put women in my life that can learn from me. Put women in my life that I can learn from. As you bring healing to me, use me to show others how to find healing in you." This morning I felt like the Lord was showing me something new and I am praying through it as I try to understand all the details. But I want to share with you my day to day journey as a woman. Some of you will not be able to relate one bit and I may loose some readers but that's okay. My life as a child and a teenager was very difficult so now as a wife and mother, my journey is me constantly trying to find healing from my past. That's all I have to share because that's who I am. I love my husband, I love my children but I have a lot of flaws to work through and I have to let my Lord and Savior do ALL the work!

As for this blog, I'm praying daily that the Lord will give me new things to write about. I only want to write what He gives me.

(I'm not sure if this post even makes sense but maybe it will to one of you that needs it! Oh and I LOVE reading all of the blogs out there. I love reading about your kids, seeing the pictures of your kids and reading about the simple things in life. So know that anything I am writing about pertains STRICTLY to me. It's not easy for people to talk about difficult things and I don't expect that. Blogging has been an outlet for me to do that but it may not be the way you choose to share your personal struggles. This post was all about me and what I am trying to learn.)

Something funny

2006-07-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

Pregnancy has always brought strange dreams to my sleeping. Even my naps are filled with dreams that make me wonder where my mind comes up with these things. The only thing I can possibly figure out is my sub conscience stores some very random things then later produces some crazy, wacky, no sense making, hilarious dreams! I thought it would be fun to share them with you!

So my bestess friend Kelly Ann has been in my life since I was fourteen years old. This Sunday we are visiting her church. Both of us are praying it's a fit! We grew up in the same youth group so the thought of us being at the same church again is really exciting. Except now I don't think I will come to Bible Study mad at her because she has a boyfriend and I don't! And we won't be rolling our eyes at each other across the room because we are mad for some stupid reason! Anyway, with all the talk of visiting their church my mind has been racing. I have looked on their church website, read staff profiles and taken a virtual tour of the church. It's in my brain and some of the information I have retained I was completely unaware of until my dreams two nights ago. So here's my dream of Kelly's church and the church we will be visiting on Sunday. The Pastor's name is Ross. I do not know him, I don't remember what he looks like at all. But, I remember what the associate pastor looks like because he looks like a man I used to work with. The man I used to work with was named Ross. Okay, so this is where it gets confusing. So the associate Pastor's face was on a guy that had the name Ross that looked exactly like the Ross I used to work with many years ago. Confused? Well Ross called me and asked me to help Kelly Ann prepare Communion/The Lord's Supper for Sunday. But for some reason I am at home filling the tiny, little, plastic cups with grape juice. I poured grape juice into a huge bowl, placed a turkey baster inside and filled each tiny cup with the grape juice by using the turkey baster. (I have used a Turkey baster for communion cups before in real life, not just dream land.) All of the sudden the phone rings! It's Kelly! "Where are you? You are supposed to be at the church helping me fill communion cups?" At this point in my dream I realize I have a problem. "Kelly, I don't know what to do! I have already filled all of the cups! How will I get them to the church without spilling?" So I end up dumping all of the grape juice out so I can start over at the church. But when I get to the church and begin to pull up the tiny, clear, plastic cups, they have all grown to full size cups! And did I mention that during the entire dream I am trying to keep my eyes open because I can't wake up? You know those dreams where you can't move because you are sleepy? Well it was hard to drive to the church because I was so sleepy but I did make it! There you have it! There's my freaky dream! If we do end up going to this church and I am asked to help prepare communion, I think I will say NO!

Then there was last night's dream! I thought it couldn't get any crazier but it did! I am a singer and I love to perform. If truth be told, I would audition for American Idol if I wasn't too old. Plus I am a wife and a Mom and I know my calling in life is different now. Oh sometimes I do wish I was singing, walking the Red Carpet or filling in for Kelly Rippa but the Lord has bigger things planned for me! So with all of that constantly floating around in my head, I think this dream makes a little more sense but it's still very crazy! Here it goes. Well, it was a talent show. I don't know where or who was putting the show on, I just know I was in it and so was Katharine Mcphee. There must be some kind of envy deeply rooted in my heart because I DID NOT vote for her! I voted for Taylor and I am still happy about my decision! Anyway, the American Idol second place winner beat me! Yep, she won the talent show. In my dream I was told that there would be an accompanist there for all singers so we did not have to bring pre-recorded music. So I had planned to sing "Valentine" by Martina McBride. But when I showed up, there was no accompanist and I was told that I had to have a CD with the music to my song or sing acapella. Wouldn't you know that Katharine chick decided to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and I lost! I did find a CD with my music and I did sing "Valentine" really good but she still won! However I decided to tell Katharine that it did not really matter that she won because I won the talent show in High School and in real life that is true! There you have it! That was my dream! I did watch Rock Star Supernova last night (I don't think it's very good) but I love reality TV and nothing else was on. I do think about music all the time and I never cared for Katharine so maybe that's where this all came from. She is an amazing singer so I think I'm just jealous! But still, can't she sing something besides that Rainbow song? Really! Get a new song!

Who knows what my afternoon nap or my sleep tonight will bring, I'm kind of scared to find out! This may have been a boring post to read, not very inspiring, encouraging or spiritual but I thought it was kind of funny! Maybe you will think so too! And sometimes a good laugh can get my morning going!

A new church

2006-07-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

Switching churches is not an easy thing. We started going to church with my parents about eight months ago. The teaching that we heard from our Pastor was like nothing we had ever been taught. I learned more about the Bible in eight months than any other time in my life. While attending there I experienced change. God brought correction, encouragement and teaching in a a whole new way. I feel that our church should change us. We should get better in our sinful ways. We should learn how to love Jesus more and if none of that's happening, what's the point? At this church, we experienced all of the above. But we have realized how much we crave community in our lives. Many people drive quite a distance to get to church. While our distance is not huge, it still is several cities away. We want to attend Bible Studies that aren't so hard to make. I want to sing and attend rehearsals that don't have me stuck in traffic during the week. Those things may sound selfish to some but with two little ones and another one on the way, our time as a family is precious and the closer our church is, the more it will help.

As a stay at home mom, I long to have outings with others Moms. Bible Studies with other women or coffee at Starbuck's after the kids are in bed with other Moms, helps me be a better Wife and Mother. Or what about a close-by friend calling me from the grocery store to see if I need milk or bread? A trip to Grapevine Mills mall is always more fun when I have another Mom with me. Decorating, shopping and all the things I love is best when someone else comes along to help or indulge with you! Hobby Lobby is always more fun with another woman that has left her kids at home with Dad just like me! And I need new recipes and I have several of my own to share! I have a sewing machine but no clue how to use it. Oh how would love to learn to sew and make baby blankets! Maybe there is a new friend out there waiting to show me how! I love to cook and maybe there is someone out there that needs to learn how! Maybe the Lord can use me to bless someone else by teaching them kitchen skills! There has to be a mom of three that can show me the ropes and surely there is a new Mom of two that I can encourage along the way. This is what I crave, community! I have had this before and since I know how great it is to have a network of Godly women, I realize it is a rudimentary need that must be met in my life. (I miss you Rebecca and Courtney!)

My husband is a fisherman. He loves fishing more than anything. He's blessed to be married to a woman that loves it too. Our best dates end up being the ones we spend on our boat fishing for five hours at a time. But when I fish for five hours, it's because we are catching fish for five hours! As much fun as he has with me and even though he can take me with him to do many "Guy" type things, he needs guys to hang out with. While I love to fish, I don't love to be out there and not catch anything. But Jeremy can spend an entire day on the lake and not catch a thing and be quite content. While I may love to watch Football as much as he does, I'm sure sports would be more fun with a fellow guy! Right now there is an empty slot in his life, he needs guy time. He needs someone to encourage him and he needs someone to encourage. He needs an early morning, crack of dawn coffee buddy to meet at Denny's before work. He needs a Bible Study with guys that love to fish like him and that love to get up at 4am to go the lake! He needs accountability in his journey as a Godly man. He's never really had this before but I feel deep in my heart that this is a rudimentary need in His life that hasn't been met but must be.

Our babies need to learn about Jesus. They need to sing songs and learn as many Bible Stories as they possibly can. While we read to them from the Bible at home almost every single night and we teach them to pray, they need other people to pour into their lives and teach them how to love and serve the Lord. They need Christian friends and a group of playmates that will teach them how to be Godly, young men and women. They need to color Bible Story pictures and participate in kid's musicals at Christmas time. Just like Mommy and Daddy, they need something to belong to.

As a family, we need church. We need others to teach us how to be better parents. We need to learn how to make smart decisions financially. But most of all, we need to learn how to serve God in our every day life. We need a place to fall, a place to surround us during times of heartache or struggle. We need a family of Godly people and that's what we are going to try to find.

So why not church? Isn't this the best place to find what we are looking for? Oh I hope so! Finally this weekend, we will try a new church. The best thing about it, we know a few that already go there, the kids area is amazing and it's maybe FIVE minutes away! I'm nervous about a lot but I'm excited to see what God has for us. If this church isn't a fit, we will probably be able to tell pretty quick. Since we live in an area FULL of churches, there has to be one out there close by that the Lord has already chosen for us. I can't wait to see where it will be and the new people the Lord will bless us with. I pray that we will be a blessing too.

Lord, there is so much on our plate right now. You know the struggles we are facing and you already know the people you will strategically bring our way to encourage us in this journey. As I prepare to be a Mother of three, send women my way that can teach me. I pray that you will bring brand new people in our lives that WE can encourage. Lord, teach us, protect us and help us make the BEST decision. I pray that we will not make a choice based on emotion or other people. I pray that you will show Jeremy the exact place we need to be and help me to follow 100%. Thank you for the place we have come from and the teaching we have received. They have set the bar high! Lord, I want to know you more and I want Jeremy to know you more. As a family, I want us to serve you with everything we have. Help us to surround ourselves with people that will love and teach us. May you challenge us and change us. We have made quick decisions in the past when it comes to our church home based on the wrong things. I pray that we will truly hear from you and that you will protect us from planting our feet in the wrong place. Plant our feet on fertile soil. That's the only place we want to be!

An unexpected road trip

2006-07-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

My grandmother has faced many health issues over the past several years. About a month ago when I saw her at our big family reunion, we had the chance to visit. She told me that she had a stack of pictures to give me. Pictures of visits we made to the farm they used to have when I was a little girl. This was a real farm too, let me tell you! I have some amazing memories of San Augustine, Texas and hot Summer days playing in the cow pastures with my cousins. The fresh blackberries we picked for the homemade cobbler and the fresh eggs my Papa would fry me for breakfast that came from their chickens on their farm. I love fried eggs to this day! When she told me about the pictures, I got very excited! I couldn't wait to show my husband the pictures of the farm. He would love the farm and he has heard so much about it that he is jealous in a big way. He tells me all the time how much he wished they still had that farm. I wasn't sure how I would get the pictures or when. My grandmother lives in Beaumont and that's a six hour drive! But tomorrow me and the kids will load up the S.U.V with my Mom and drive to Beaumont. My Grandmother, also known as Grannymaw, isn't doing so great. A few days ago we thought she had a heart attack but Doctors think it's something else to do with her stomach. She had a 5 bypass heart surgery several years ago and hasn't been the same since. We take this trip in hopes of spending good, quality time with her. My Mom and I will try to find out how she's really feeling. She doesn't always tell Pops the truth!

At the family reunion almost a month ago, she also shared with me that she was extremely proud of the mother and wife I had become. She raved on my kid's good behavior (thank you Lord that someone notices) and how smart Josiah is for his age. She told me that my husband is the best husband and Daddy she's seen. She praised my cooking and told me that I have turned out to be a beautiful woman. That was nice to hear from her. She's not a woman of a lot of words. She doesn't pass out compliments and she doesn't usually get very sentimental but on that day, she did. At that moment I felt like she was a little worried about how much longer she may be here. My Grannymaw loves the Lord and she serves Him with all of her strength, so I know that her life with Jesus will be so much better than it is here. Even so, it's still hard to think about. I know when that times comes, it will be hard on my Mom too. Grannymaw is scheduled to go on a cruise to Alaska in September with four of her five brothers and their families. Since I have been on a cruise twice, I told her about the food on a cruise, the ice cream that Pops will love and the way you are treated like royalty. I shared with her how much we love cruises and how I know she will love it too. But as we talked she told me a couple of times that she hoped she would get to go. She explained to me that they had purchased insurance for the trip in the even they would not be able to make it. I didn't know what to say so I said this. "Grannymaw, you can't live in fear. Quit saying IF you go on the cruise. Say WHEN you go on the cruise!" Instantly she began to say WHEN instead of IF. I pray that she will get to see Alaska, it will be a dream come true for her.

So thankfully we have a dvd player with dual screens for the car ride and plenty of kid movies to pop in for the six hour drive. The kids have never been in a car that long and I don't think my mom has ever traveled with a pregnant woman that gets sick a lot and has to use the bathroom constantly! But this is what memories are made of, right? I look forward to the time with my Mom and all the singing we will do. She will sing melody and I of course will sing the harmony! That's what we do! We plan to come back on Monday and that already seems kind of long. I have never been away from Jeremy more than one night in five years! I make fun of my Mom all the time because she never wants to leave my Poppy and now I am being just like her. I guess that's a good thing though. We don't like to be away from our men! Some men go home at night when their wives are in the hospital to have the baby, not Jeremy! He stays, I like it that way and he would not have it any other way.

An unexpected road trip for sure, but time away with my family that I know will be well worth the trip. It's a must, we have to go see Grannymaw! She needs us and we need her.

something for Mandi

2006-07-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

I've been telling my husband that I need an afternoon or evening to myself. You know, just me and no kids? He has a couple of days off from work this week so we went to lunch today and after we finished eating he looked at me and said, "Babe, I can tell you are a little frustrated with the kids. Let's go home, leave us there and you go do something all by yourself." There was nothing to be said. I left. Although my time away was only three hours, it seemed quite refreshing. At first I struggled with what I wanted to do. How should I spend my time? I knew that I wanted to go to Half Price Books or Barnes and Noble. But first I stopped by to see Shawn. Shawn is my best friend from High School. She is single, no kids and lives a life quite different from mine. I tell her often that if I wasn't married with kids, I would do what she is doing. She is going to Culinary School in Dallas and specializing in Pastry. I am sure there is a much fancier way of describing her schooling but just the word Culinary gets me all excited! We love to dream about owning a catering business together. She does the baking, I do the cooking! Since school is something you have to pay for she also works at Recollections as a Manager. I'm not a scrapbooker and she thinks that's funny since I am a Mom and have tons to scrapbook about. She is single and loves to scrapbook and I think that's funny because I thought scrapbooking was for PTA moms but apparently cool single people to do it too! (Please don't get mad. I think I might like scrapbooking if I ever tried it. And someday I am sure I will be a PTA mom.) While I could easily turn this post on my blog into a story of my experience today at the scrapbook store, I won't. I will save it for another day. So I was unable to kidnap Shawn and take her with me to Barnes and Noble, she had ladies who longed to crop waiting on her. I wanted to talk and laugh with Shawn more but she was at work and goodbyes had to be said. As I walking out we both caught a glance of a woman walking in that had a perfect body with perfect breasts, perfect tan, perfect hair and the perfect smile. She looked like she had come straight from the Perfect Plastic Surgery Doctor's office. Instantly Shawn and I looked at each other and we instantly knew what each other was thinking. "I'm jealous!" Shallow thought but truth. And that's how I left Shawn. Now on to my time alone with books and coffee!

So it's my time. My time to be an adult. My time to drink a decaf coffee and read books. And yes, coffee! Nothing with mocha or latte attached and especially nothing with whipped cream! It must be coffee because I don't like sweet coffee drinks and it must be decaf because I'm pregnant and I have already reached my caffeine limit for the day. But first I must grab some books and read several pages of each before I figure out which one to buy. First I pick up Anderson Cooper's Dispatches From The Edge: A Memoir of War, Disasters, and Survival. I am not a CNN fan, I'm a Fox news girl but I do totally dig Anderson. I've seen him on Oprah and I heard Oprah say that she read his book in one night because she just couldn't put it down. Well, I may not agree with everything Oprah does or says but I do tend to believe her when she says a book is good. If you have ever listened to Anderson or seen his show on CNN, you know he can tell a story like no other. So, that was my first pick. Then I head over to the Christian Fiction in hopes of finding a book that is riveting yet Godly at the same time. I did not know this particular book would be in this book section but it was, Night by Elie Weisel. This was another Oprah book pick. When I set out to find books today, my intention was never to bring Oprah into it, it just happened. Oprah says it's good, a lot of people say it's good, and the author was awarded the Nobel Peace Price in 1986 so I had no other choice but to pick it up and give it a try. Then to my favorite, Fiction, Christian author, Francine Rivers. From her section of books, I chose and the Shofar Blew. Okay, so I have three books in hand. It was time to purchase my cup of decaf coffee and sit for a while.

Some of you that have been reading my blog from the beginning know that I did not grow up in a happy little home. Not very many people did but there are more out there than I thought. In fact when I read or hear of someone's happy childhood, I am more shocked by that than hearing about someone's horrible childhood. It's sad but that's the world we live in. There are too many details to explain so to allow you to understand pretty quick, let's just say my childhood was extremely painful and difficult. Instead of being a little girl that had tea parties and slumber parties, I lived in a constant state of fear. My Dad was abusive, an alcoholic and put my life in danger many times. My mom was abused, afraid and unable to truly be the mom God created her to be. It's hard for me to write about things that have to do with my Mother. I want to honor her. I want her to know that I don't blame her. I do grieve my childhood a lot and I do wish that I would have had a mother daughter relationship to look back on with great memories. But, that's not possible. I don't blame her though. I know it wasn't her fault. The Lord has restored those years we lost in many ways. He continues to do it almost daily. I don't go through the day without talking to my mom on the phone at least three or four times. But as I get older and I learn to be a Mom and a wife and as I anticipate the birth of our third child, I can't help but to think about the one thing I never got to be, a little girl.

As soon as I began to read Anderson Cooper's book, I instantly get sucked in by his description and experience of the Tsunami aftermath. With each page turn I look forward to more of his story telling and I see so clearly in my head everything he writes about. The more I read, the more I feel like I have actually been to Sri Lanka. Easily I can see how Oprah stayed up all night reading this book. It would not be hard to do. So I decide to try some pages of Elie Weisel's book. But my mind was still caught up in the story of the Tsunami. Although I would really like to read this book called Night, my mind wouldn't let me. I have heard it is another book that will totally sweep you away in many ways so I do plan to go back to it at some point. I couldn't leave without a few pages of Francine River's writing. Once again, my mind is only interested in the Anderson Cooper Memoir. I read some more of his book and realize how sad and depressing the stories are. I had made up my mind though. One book, only one book today and when finished with that one, I will buy Night, then Shofar Blew. But today, my pick was Anderson!

I wanted to be a cheerleader, I wanted to be a dancer, I wanted to be so many things that little girls dream of. Unfortunately, I didn't get to be the Pee Wee cheerleader or the ballerina because money was tight and my home life was so dysfunctional that my parents did not even know how to really make my dreams come true. Holidays were stressful, family vacations were non-existent and family meals were few and very far between. We didn't have tradition and we didn't really know what the family unit looked like. Ours was filled with nothing but anger and fear. My mom was a prisoner of her own home, my brother was young and oblivious and I was living in a constant state of deprivation. A little girl should not have to worry about what to eat, whether or not she will have clean clothes to wear to school or whether or not she will have a ride when school is out that day. Will her dad be sleeping again? Will he be drunk? Will he be sick? Will he be mad? What will the mood be today? Will my mom spend another night sobbing and screaming for her life?

As I walk through the bookstore to place the books I am not buying back in their proper place, I see a table that says "Summer Books". I've always heard of the book called Charlotte's Web and even though most girls read this book in grade school, I have never read this book. A huge stack is sitting on this "Summer Books" table and it has a great price. So I pick it up. Ever since I became a Christian when I was five years old, I learned pretty quick that I can have a conversation with the Lord anytime I want. All day long I have conversations with the Lord. Today while I was in the bookstore I was aware of my budget. I wanted to make a wise choice when it came to buying a book and since I pray pretty much about everything I prayed that the Lord would help me choose the best book. Some people find it hard to believe that as you walk close to the Lord, you learn to hear His voice through out the day. As I stood there reading parts of Charlotte's Web, I heard His voice and my choice was clear. This was the book I needed to buy.

Since there didn't seem to be a sense of real family love in my home, I craved it. When I was a little girl and spent time with friends at their home, I began to realize all the things my life was missing. We lived in a mobile home in a trailer park, my friends live in a house in pretty neighborhoods. While they could easily find clean clothes to wear by going to the dresser drawers, I had to look for mine in piles and piles of dirty clothes. While they had nice, pretty toilet paper to use, I had to sometimes use a towel because we had no toilet paper. While they went to sleep at night in their nice cozy bed, I slept in a bed that I had peed in the night before because I was too afraid to get out of bed to use the bathroom. So many things I did as a child to survive and now the simple things in life are sometimes so hard to sit back and enjoy because I feel like I'm always on the brink of something bad happening. I did not learn how to be a little girl, I learned how to be an adult and survive. Now as a thirty year old wife and mother, I struggle every day to learn how to be a kid. I don't know how to just have fun. Those that know me would say I am a fun person that will make you laugh. That's true. But when it comes to the day to day living, I struggle to just enjoy. There has always been something for me to worry about. Why is it so hard to learn how to be a kid? It's so much easier for me to be serious and fear what may be ahead.

Standing in the bookstore I realize how much I am drawn to negativity. I am drawn to the bad stories on TV. When 911 happened, I could not turn the TV off. When Hurricane Katrina hit, I sobbed and stayed up many nights crying out to the Lord for those people in Mississippi and Louisiana. Their burdens became mine. And today I am sucked into horrible stories all over again as I read Anderson Cooper's book. Standing there reading a few pages of Charlotte's Web, the Lord speaks to my spirit. It was a moment I knew I had really heard from Him, no doubt. When I heard "Mandi", I knew the Lord was trying to get my attention. My family calls me Mandi, Jeremy calls me Mandi, those that really know me call me Mandi. It's almost like a term of endearment and when someone uses that name, a part of me feels like a little girl and that's what I have always dreamt of being. Over and over again I hear, "Pick something for Mandi. Choose a book that Mandi would like." With all that God is currently doing in my life, I knew. I knew what He was trying to show me. So today I bought Charlotte's Web and as much as I would love to read Anderson Cooper's new book, I'm reading something for that little girl named Mandi. I'm excited. I am excited to read a children's book. The Lord speaks to me constantly and I am quite sure there is something in this book that He wants me to get. I know it's a classic and I know by sharing that I know nothing about it may make me sound like an ignorant person but this is who I am and that's where I've been. Today I had to choose something for Mandi.

May the little girl enjoy the book and continue to daydream about who she wants to be. Mandi was meant to be something incredible!

(I love you Mom. You are a beautiful, Godly woman. I know you were only eighteen when I came into your life and your life was far from glamorous, let alone enjoyable. But, I am so glad that the Lord has given us what we have today. I pray that He can use our story to minister to women who are hurting. Thank you for teaching me so much about the Lord. I love you.)

The 4th and all the rain!

2006-07-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

Well, our plans for the night had to be altered due to the rain. We have needed rain in Texas pretty bad! The rain came and would not go away and it's still raining right now! It didn't come until late afternoon so we did get to swim at our friend's house while they're in Myrtle beach for the Week (I'm jealous)! How nice of them to give us a key to their house and free reign of their pool! But wouldn't you know it's supposed to rain most of the week! Despite the Rain, (I think that is a song title) we still had a wonderful fourth of July with just the four of us and that's always nice. I tried to get pictures of the two kids in their 4th attire but Ava Beth has two molars coming in and she was pretty much grumpy all day long AND still is this morning! With her mood and all the rain, it made it really difficult to get great pictures and that's always disappointing for me. It was a rainy 4th of July but still a memorable one! Even though I kept wishing we were on a beach somewhere with a grandparent/babysitter close by, the fireworks and the kid's reactions as they flashed and popped in the sky, made it wonderful!

The only decent shot I could get of her in her 4th of July Dress! (Isn't she sweet? HA!)

Playing in the rain!

Pray, remember, believe and stay

2006-07-03T13:03:00.000-07:00

There are very few movies or shows on Disney or Nickelodeon that my two children will sit and watch. I mean really watch. When they were babies, I could pop in Baby Mozart so I could grab a quick shower. As they got older, Praise Baby or The Wiggles would work. But finding something that a three and a half year old and one and a half year will both watch is difficult. I had no idea in 2003 when Finding Nemo came out that it would be the gift that is today. This movie works better than any other movie we have. Josiah loves Madagascar but his little sister looses interest quick. Chicken Little can't hold their attention at all and Monsters Inc. scares Josiah. But Finding Nemo works like a charm!

Pregnant with our third, I am tired right now a lot. Also I have had morning sickness like the other pregnancies but even more so with this one. This has led me to turn on the television a lot. It's been a must. When you feel like you are within seconds of throwing up ALL DAY long, you do what you have to do. There is no time to sit around and relax! Not with two little ones running around! So Finding Nemo has been my best friend lately. I never really paid attention to the story line until now. In the past, the movie was background noise for me. While I am cleaning, cooking or paying bills, the movie would be on to entertain for a bit. Now I find myself laying on the couch with the kids watching this movie at least once a week. While they watch, I relax and even doze off in order to fight the morning sickness. But the past few times we have watched it, I have realized that there is a character in this movie that I can relate to. Kindred spirits you may call it. Marlin is one I know well! Just look at his scared little face in the picture! At times I have had the same look on my own face!

Nemo's Dad, Marlin, had a hard time dealing with the past. After Nemo's Mom was killed by the Shark, the image could not leave his mind. Tragedy took joy away and caused him to calculate his every move and his son's. He was too afraid to enjoy life because something else could come and destroy it in an instant! It was better for him to just be safe by expecting the worse to happen. For those of you that grew up in a normal home with lovely memories to look back on, you are blessed. I love to surround myself with people that grew up in that environment. I learn so much from you. Unfortunately I did not grow up in that kind of environment. Mine was the complete opposite. As a child I lived in fear daily. There is not one Holiday I can remember that did not begin or end in drama. There were no family vacations. I can't remember any family meals and it's very difficult for me to recall any "happy" times period. As a result, I began my marriage with a lot of fear. Then when my son was born, the fear intensified. For several years I fought really hard against stability or anything good happening in my life. Relationships I sabotaged, good things I made bad things and easy things I forced to be difficult. It was something so deep within me that I did not know how to get rid of it. When my husband proposed I was totally excited, blown away that God answered my prayer. But within a few short days I was miserable. Afraid he would die in a car accident, afraid he would get sick and die, afraid he would change his mind and leave me. Afraid, afraid, afraid. With much prayer and constant affirmation from him, I trusted him. I learned to believe that he loved me and we got married. When I found out I was pregnant with Josiah, I was ecstatic. But soon after, I was afraid. Afraid of miscarriage, afraid of defects, afraid of everything you could possibly imagine. It's taken a lot of praying, a lot of accountability and a lot of reading God's Word, but that spirit of fear has been broken. It still comes at times but now I know how to fight it. I have even learn to recognize the symptoms and I know just what to do. Pray, remember, believe and stay.

If I watch the news, it comes. If I hear a story of a child getting cancer, it comes. If I hear of someone loosing their husband, it comes. And if I don't watch where my mind goes and make sure it is being filled with God's Word, it comes. Just today, it came. The kids and I were running around town taking care of a bunch of errands. All of the sudden I saw a line of cars ,with their headlights on, following a police car to a cemetery. Within seconds, my mind was going nuts. "What if this? What if that? What would I do? How would I make it?" Fear came upon me within seconds! But something amazing happened. I heard from the Lord. The Holy Spirit comforted me and spoke to me through words I have read in scripture. "Do these thoughts bring fear? Don't be afraid. Don't let your mind go so far. If you are afraid, this is not from Me. I do not bring thoughts to your mind that would bring fear. Fear is not from Me. Those thoughts are not from Me. Perfect love casts out all fear." That was it! That was the answer! Those thoughts are not from the Lord, so don't let your mind go any further than it already has! So, I prayed and fixed my thoughts on Him. Prayer brings relief and comfort. It reminds me of who I serve and how much He loves me. Prayer is key.

I don't know if any of you are like me. In fact this kind of stuff is kind of embarrassing for me to admit. At times I take things way too far in my mind. "Maybe God is letting me see this story or hear this story to prepare me for something bad. Or maybe this happened to someone else because it is going to happen to me and I will need someone to help me through it." It's really quite selfish if I think about it that way. But, that's what my mind does. It goes crazy and creates crazy things! It's during those times that I have to remember. When I think about all the things I have worried about, all the things I have lost sleep over, I laugh. Jeremy did not change his mind about me, he married me and he loves me. Josiah is healthy, Ava Beth is healthy. And when I was on my vacation a few months ago, there was no Tsunami that hit Mexico and my kids were totally fine when I came back. Now the Tsunami thing did not take over my mind but I did think "What if?". The best thing for me to do when my brain goes into that mode of fear, is to remember. Remember that God is in control, remember all the times I have worried over nothing and remember that He does not bring any thought into my mind that would cause fear. Never, never, never, will God be the author of fear! I must remember that!

When I was five years old, I accepted Christ. The Lord knew I would need him early in life so I am so thankful for that day I accepted Jesus. I still remember the day, I had AM kindergarten and was home in the afternoon. On one of those afternoons, that's when it happened. Even now when I think about it, I know it was a supernatural thing. Despite my circumstances at home, despite my Dad being an alcoholic, despite all of the dysfunction, my parents lead me to Jesus. At that moment, I believed. Then I had lots of practice believing. When things were bad, I believed. When I hid in my closet crying as a little girl, I believed. When I wasn't physically safe, I believed. Unfortunately the pain caused me to grow up thinking the worst but taught me to believe that no matter what, Jesus was going to take care of me. Always has, always does, always will. That's what I have to believe, no matter what pain comes my way.

Life does not come without pain. Cancer, death, broken relationships, bad doctor's reports, it happens. It will happen. While all of those things scare me, I try my hardest to not think about them. I try to not live in fear like Marlin. Nemo hated how his dad was afraid. It kept Nemo from exploring and living his little fish life. It took something bad to show Marlin that he had to believe. Nemo lived, Marlin was relieved and I think they lived happily ever after. While my life is nothing like that of a fish, I relate to moral of the story. Daily I pray that my kids do not struggle with the fear I have struggled with. I work hard to not have it manifest in my life because I know my kids will see it. But, it's a battle. I have to pray, I have to remember and I have to believe that no matter what comes, He is there. And all of this is so much easier when I STAY in His word.

Lord, help me to stay in your Word DAILY. Remind me to spend time with you. Remind me that I can't get through the day without your Word. Remind that my strength comes from your bread. Forgive me for days like today when I get going without getting into your Word. I have learned that your Word will combat so much in my life. Father, I long to STAY in your Word. Thank you for healing me. Thank you for showing me that without me staying in your Word, I can't be free. I love you Lord, Jesus. Thank you for always showing me the truth and showing me what I need to do. Thank you!!

The Weekend

2006-07-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

Well, we were all set! Ready to visit a church close to the house. In fact, my friend Kelly Ann took my by there on Friday to show me the kids area and I got to meet the Pre-School Children's Pastor. She was so sweet, adored my kids and even offered to let me fill out cards on both kids so I wouldn't have to this morning. That way our first visit would be smooth and not so overwhelming the first day. I really was excited about this morning. Josiah asked all day yesterday if we were going back to Trey's church (Kelly Ann's son) so he could play the drums. On Friday he got to go on the stage in the kid's area for just a moment and play the drums. The brief few seconds he played, has not left his mind once. Then yesterday afternoon he woke up from a nap with 103 fever. He didn't really seem sick but at 5:00AM this morning, when he came to our bed, the fever was back. Needless to say, NO CHURCH TODAY!

But the Lord allowed this time at home today to be a day of major productivity! My entire house is SPOTLESS and my husband did most of it. Thank you Babe. I did clean my Bathroom, Bedroom, Closet and several loads of laundry. Also I made Cinnamon Rolls this morning and my Grandmother's Homemade Potato salad to go with our grilled burgers tonight! This is the best day I have had in this pregnancy so far! Otherwise I would not be cooking as much as I have today! I feel half way normal again. Although I don't see me actually making the hamburger patties, that's raw meat!! Maybe the sickness has stayed at bay today because I have been eating all day! I can't keep this up!

No fever since early this morning so I thought I would let the kids play in the pool. Jeremy thought the kids were going to go nuts if they stayed inside all day so, in the pool they went! Then they actually cuddled on the couch together and watched Nemo. When I saw them on the couch together, I KNEW it was a kodak moment! Oh how I pray the love will stay when they are in Junior High! Yikes!

Well so much for an exciting weekend but it sure has been a good one with the family. I guess we all needed our rest for the all day festivities on the 4th! Can't wait! More food!

Is that his arm around the little sister? Do you see why I grabbed the camera?!

Fun in the sun!

Where's my bikini Mommy? Daddy just puts me in a swim diaper and forgets the suit!

Do I LOOK sick?

7 THINGS ABOUT ME...

2006-06-30T11:45:00.000-07:00

Okay I have never done this but today I have decided to give it a try. I put too much pressure on myself to be creative/biblical with every piece of writing. But how will you know I am a real person if I don't share silly/goofy/interesting things about myself! Thank you Barb for the tag! (Barb, you will not believe two of my facts. You will think I am copying you!)

7 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME...

1. I love Doris Day Movies.

2. I am pretty over the top at Christmas. My house screams Christmas! I love it! My husband calls me "Clark" because he says I am like Clark on Christmas Vacation. Even the guest bathroom has a Christmas Tree! But now I have him all into Christmas lights on the house too!

3. I have severe TMJ and sleep in a night guard. Singing and cold weather make it worse and as much as I love Monte Cristo from Bennigan's, my jaws often lock up while eating one! Chipotle Burritos too!

4. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. Well okay, I still do! But I don't think I could wear one of the uniforms and still praise Jesus! They are a little too revealing! Oh and the cellulite on my butt may make it tough too!

5. I love, love, love, love sushi!

6. I start playing Christmas music in November and my decorations are up before Thanksgiving! Yes, I am one of those!

7. I would love to be a Woman's Minister someday and speak and sing all over the world and take my husband and babies with me!

7 THINGS THAT SCARE ME

1. I have to pray my way over a bridge. When driving on the highway I really try to avoid bridges. There is one in Fort Worth and Dallas that will make me have a panic attack if I don't pray. Actually I hate driving on the highway. I really deal with fear while driving.

2. I am scared to drive in the rain. Terrified! I am scared to ride with anyone else driving in the rain. Big fights with my husband have happened because of this! He says I need to trust Him and trust God.

3. Scary Movies

4. Roller Coasters! I abhor them!

5. Dogs, Cats, animals. I am scared of animals. I do have a dog but we don't have much of a relationship.

6. I will fly but I am kind of scared of Airplanes. I do a lot of praying! The flight to Maui was tough.

7. I really struggle with fear a lot. I can't stand to hear stories of people loosing their children or husband. I just can't handle it. I don't like to think about it. I have to pray about this fear A LOT!

7 RANDOM/MUSIC AT THE MOMENT...

1. Johnny Cash

2. Plumb

3. Kelly Clarkson

4. Rascal Flatts

5. Creedence Clearwater Revival (I stole my husband's cd!)

6. Chris Botti (LOVE his stuff!)

7. Sarah Groves (Her song that is called Awakening has really ministered to me this week)

7 THINGS/PEOPLE I LIKE THE MOST

1. The FoodNetwork

2. A clean bathroom

3. nap time

4. Josiah saying for no reason, "Mommy I love you." Ava Beth saying "Night, Night." SO CUTE!

5. Josiah's prayers and how is not afraid to pray outloud! He amazes me at 3 1/2!

6. Fishing on our boat with my husband

7. Date night on Friday nights with Jeremy! Which means I love Grandparents because they watch the kids!

7 THINGS I SAY THE MOST

1. Babe (that's what I call my husband)

2. Oh my gosh! (But now I have to say Oh my goodness or Josiah corrects me for saying GOSH!)

3. I'm so tired!

4. I'm starving! (I'm pregnant! What can I say?)

5. Just Kidding!

6. I love you

7. Babe, when are you going to be done at work?

7 PEOPLE TO DO THIS...

1. Minnie

2. Stephanie

3. MomTeacherFriend

4. Mom

5. MommyofAngels

6. Seeker4Christ

7. Kellie

Has anyone noticed?

2006-06-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

If any of you have had your hair long at some point in your life, then cut it, then decide to grow it back, you know it's a grueling process. The in between stages are dreadful! When my daughter was born I made sure my Mom knew that I was NOT cutting Ava Beth's hair for a very long time. When that time comes, it will ONLY be a trim! She won't have bangs, no way. Her eyes are way too pretty and it's so much easier to just pull it out of her face with a cute hair clip or bow. I had to get this point across to my Mom because she is a hair stylist and she is the one that made sure I had the "Dorothy Hamill" haircut when I was four years old. She likes to cut! In High School, my hair was long. Then soon after graduating and starting college, I cut it off pretty short. Soon after that I cut it really short, almost like Annie Lennox short. Remember how Annie used to have her hair really, really short? Well, that was me! It was fun, it was hip, it was different from everyone else. Then I went to Beauty School and my hair got even funkier! During that time I met Jeremy, my precious, sweet, well groomed, conservative, polished, clean shaven husband. As we began dating and looked over old pictures of each other, I made the mistake of allowing him to see one from High School. What is it with men and long hair? Well, he asked me if I would grow it out? He fell in love with me when it was super short so it wasn't like he was not happy with who I was. He just preferred longer hair. To his defense, my hair was almost as short as his. So for the past five years of our marriage, we have gone through many changes with my hair. It's been blonde, red, brown and red, red and brown, blonde with red and brown and now it's blonde with a few lowlights and dark brown underneath in the back. Does that make sense? So now I'm blonde and my hair is long. Well, long to me and to anyone that has known me between the ages of twenty and thirty.

Finally after several months, I can put my hair in a pony tail, pig tails and my new thing I have started a few days ago, the claw clips! It's wonderful!!!! I have always felt with short hair that I have to "fix" myself up or get prettied up before I can do anything. But now I feel like a real Mom! Just throw my hair back in a little ponytail and I'm good to go for any Wal Mart! I can now wear a baseball cap and not look like a boy! But, here's the deal. It's really not long. I still have to use some hair spray to keep it all back and a couple of bobby pins on top for my bangs because it's not all one length. Those stray hairs that fall down will drive you crazy! But I am getting there and people are noticing. "Amanda, your hair is getting so long." Even my Doctor said yesterday, "Wow, your hair looks great! It's long!" Then I can't forget the stylish teenager at church that walked up to me on Sunday and said "Hey, I love how you fix your hair." Wow. If she only knew how much that made my day! Oh and my sweet Jeremy is really liking my hair and lately I have just felt a little prettier and that's a nice way to feel. Every Mom wants to feel pretty! Every woman for that matter!

So what's the point to all this hair stuff Amanda? Right? Well, I have been working through some things in my life lately. Some character flaws that need to be sanctified! At times I wonder if anyone notices how God is moving in my life? Kind of like my hair growth. Does anyone realize how much it's grown? Can't they tell that I have refrained from my usual haircuts? Then when someone says something that lets me know they have noticed, I get excited. I feel like my work is being seen by others and that to me is progress. But what about my spiritual growth? Are people noticing? Do my friends and family see progress? Do the ones that truly know my junk see that I am changing? One thing I know I am much better at is my need to control. I love being in control and when I loose it, I struggle bad. I used to lay down all kinds of rules when my kids went to visit grandparents. "Josiah only gets chocolate milk for breakfast." When Ava Beth was a baby I would tell my Mother in law and my own Mother, "Don't give Ava Beth big people food! Only baby food!" I am sure those two women could tell you a ton of rules I passed out after dropping my kids off. (Mom, don't share any. Please.) And I am sure that most of the time they didn't follow my rules but as long as I thought they did, I was fine. Then I worried about how the Grandmothers would dress the kids. I didn't want them to go to church looking dorky so I packed the suitcase with notes and put the outfits in order. Yep, control freak! But, I don't do that anymore! In fact, I drop them off and pretty much say nothing. It's noticeable to me, it better be noticeable to them! Even though it's not fun to admit, I will say that I was much tougher on Jeremy's Mom. But we've worked through a lot and instead of blaming her for things, I had to look at myself. That was hard. That was tough. That was a difficult process for me. But Praise the Lord, I have changed so much! My hair is longer and I'm not as bossy as I used to be!

It's nice to look back at pictures and see my hair short. It shows me that my hair has come a "long" way in this growing out process. It's just as nice, although embarrassing, to look back on Amanda and how I used to be. I have grown. I have lightened up! I have chilled out so much. I have to pull back a few stray hairs with some bobby pins or use a little hair spray to keep it all up in the ponytail or claw clip, but not very many. My attitude reverts back to the old days sometimes and I have to remind myself of who is in charge of my life and my kid's life, but not as much as I used to. There's growth, there is change and I just pray it's noticeable.

(Tonight I have a girl's night with my friend Laura. I haven't seen her in over a month. Will she think my hair looks longer? She better!)

Blessed Mom

2006-06-28T13:39:00.000-07:00

Many times I have sat in my Doctor's office waiting to see him for an OB check and watched the mothers that come in with or without kids. I can always tell when it's a "First time Mom". She is at that appointment with the Daddy of course and she has a smile on her face that can't be forgotten. She longs for these appointments, she gets excited, nervous and can't wait for those precious sonogram pictures. Then when the day of the big sex reveal comes, many family members may accompany her to find out if it's a boy or girl. There really is something so special about a first time Mom. The second timer is a little more seasoned with the whole process. She may look a little more relaxed, a little more tired and Dad may not come to every single appointment. Usually she keeps her toddler calm with a container of goldfish and a sippy cup of milk while she waits for the nurse to call her back. This is what I call the "Clueless Mom" because she has no idea how going from one child to two will forever change her life! WOW! Not too long ago, I was the clueless Mom. Most people thought I was a little insane for having two kids so close together but I thought it couldn't be any more difficult than those Moms that actually came in the office with one pre-schooler, one toddler and one big bundle inside the belly! That's what I call a "Crazy Mom"! Some even look at this Mom with sympathy. This Mom isn't really excited about monthly appointments for it's just another time she has to find a sitter or take them with her. Those were the Moms I would sit back and look at in awe. How do that do that? How on earth do they get around with three little kids? I even thought, "Could she not space those kids out a little more? She's got her hands full!"

Well today I was the official "Crazy Mom." It was funny to see the look on people's face as I sat there with my two kids. Everyone knew I was pregnant because my son kept referring to the little baby in Mommy's belly. "Is Dr. Neal going to get that baby out of your belly?" My husband has a couple of Doctor's appointments this week for his back so I told him not to even try to come to this appointment. It's the third, we know the drill by now! So, my Mom came with me, who Doctor Neal now knows by name. My Mom has been there for all of them so everyone knows her. Thank the Lord for MiMi! She has helped me a lot. As I came out of the Doctor's office today with sonogram pictures of my wonderful, healthy, baby that has a strong, perfect heartbeat, I realized that today I am a "Blessed Mom." A couple of weeks ago someone asked "Why couldn't you wait until Josiah was in Kindergarten before having another one? Are you crazy?" And as I have already explained, YES! "I'm now officially a "Crazy Mom", but so blessed! SO BLESSED!

Thank you Lord for that beautiful baby I saw today. The heartbeat was strong, thank you. I know that even now you know this baby. You know his or her name and you have your hand around this precious one. Speak to he or she now and tell them their destiny!

(Mom, thanks for being there today. I enjoyed our time at "Celebrity" and sharing that delicious piece of "Kalua, Caramel, Chocolate Fudge Cake" for desert!! WOW! MiMi is awesome! I'm glad Dr. Neal gave you your very own picture. You deserve one! I love you!)

I miss it!

2006-06-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

It's been over a year. It's been way too long, way too long. Now it's starting to bother me, a lot! I would like to say that it has been easy. I would like to say that it hasn't really bothered me. I would like to say that the desire is not there anymore. But all of those would be lies so instead I will just say that I miss it! I miss singing.

Most of us have a hobby, a passion for something, a talent. Some of you play the piano, or play tennis. Maybe you scrapbook, or sew. Well, I am not crafty, I can't sew, I don't have the discipline or the want to for scrapbooking and even though I have a piano in my house, I can't play anything more than Do re mi! Oh and I would love to play tennis, it's on my list of things I want to do but now that I am pregnant with my third, I don't think that will be happening anytime soon. But one thing I can do, the one thing I am more than passionate about, something I do pretty much all day long, is SING. Oh how I miss it!

So I can sing in the car, sing in the shower, sing in the kitchen, sing to the kids, sing all the time. But, let's be real! I want to be heard! I want to be in a microphone singing to thousands of people. I may be a Mom of two and one more soon to come but I still have dreams! The past twelve months have been months full of transition so I have not had any opportunities to sing. Actually I did have one. I got to lead a group of women in Worship. It was just one night, it was only two songs, but it was wonderful. The thing about singing and singing is church is a hard thing. I am a performer and always have been. When family got together for Christmas or Thanksgiving, I was in front of them singing, dancing or doing something to get their attention. I loved it! Then School became a huge outlet for me because I had so many opportunities to be on stage. Singing in church is different. Church is not for performance, although I have sang a few secular songs in church for the sake of sermon illustrations, that was performance. You can't really sing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar and pray that your voice will draw others to HIM. But for the most part, singing in church is about ministry and I love that. I know God gave me a singing voice for that very purpose. But at the same time, I love to sing, I love to perform and I love to have an audience. I used to think that the Lord was calling me to lead worship, but right now I don't feel that. I used to think that I would travel all over the world evangelizing with music/speaking to women, but now I am not so sure. I used to dream of making a cd of my very own, I pray that I still do. And if I were young enough, and did not have kids, don't think I wouldn't try to be on American Idol or Nashville Star! I would!

Now my life is different and so is my audience. I may not be singing to thousands of people or even singing in a microphone but the car rides to the grocery store have become my concert hour. My three year old enjoys Kelly Clarkson, Martina McBride, Carrie Underwood and yes even Ashlee Simpson (Her range is perfect for me so don't give me too much grief)! So from time to time I struggle. Today, I struggle. I struggle in my prayer time with the Lord. I wrestle with my desires to sing and be a Mom. I wonder why God has me on the bench right now and why for so long. I even asked God the other day with a bit of sarcasm if he had forgotten that I sing! For now I sing to my babies and I know they love it. Just a few days ago while driving in the car with Josiah I decided to sing the National Anthem. (I know that sounds funny but I used to sing it in High School at all the Varsity Basketball games and I had just heard Martina McBride sing it acapella and I wanted to see if I could still do it!) So I sang it and sang it proudly and when I finished, my precious little boy said "Mommy, sing it again!" Of course I sang it again and then one more time and Josiah said, "Mommy, I am proud of you. You are a good singer." That was it! That was all it took! My three year old let me know that I can still sing!

Today I pray that the music inside of me will touch my kids. So far it looks like they adore music just like me! I pray that they will have the love and passion for it like I do. And I pray that someday I will have opportunities again and that God can use my voice and even my performance. I miss it, I really do.

(Oh and for any of you that are bothered that I only have secular music listed above, I do like to sing along to Plumb, ZoeGirl, Avalon, FFH, Sara Groves, and Point Of Grace! I will always love POG!)

One more thing. If you have itunes or Napster, listen to Sara Groves sing "Awakening." This song has really ministered to me this morning. I think all of us need song like this to sing.)

Something to write about

2006-06-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

It's nice to feel liked and nice to be missed. Thank you for your sweet comments concerning my "break" from blogging. I did not really mean that I would be taking a sabbatical or a long break from writing like some of you thought. Instead I was just trying to make sure that blogging was the not the driving force in this Stay At Home Mom's life. So here I am today with something to share. My husband is home early and has given me some time to myself. Not a whole lot has happened since last Thursday but as you know, I always have something to write about!

Almost one year ago, we moved forty miles across the Metroplex. Since moving we have driven back to our old part of town only a couple of times in order to visit old friends. With those drives we have discovered that we were always meant to live where we live now. In fact, last week I asked my husband a question that has me pretty stumped. "Why did we ever live there?" His response. "We were stupid." As soon as we got married we began planning for the future like most newly married couples do. We decided to build a house! After moving into our newly built home, we got pregnant with our son. I stayed home with the baby so I did not have to worry about a commute. However, my husband was driving over an hour just to get thirty miles across town. This area we lived in has now been said to have the worst infrastructure in the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex. Not only was he spending too much time commuting but our families were way too far. I don't know very many people that live close to grandparents but just the idea of knowing that we could was enough to send us back to where we came from. Today my husband drives about twenty to twenty-five minutes each way, a far cry from the former drive to work. Grandparents? Well, we have a date night every single Friday night. Need I say more? I love where we live. I love my house, I love my neighborhood, I love my next door neighbor Mary Jo (she lets us swim in her pool!), I love my city, I love being close to all of our family, I love being close to good restaurants, good shopping and so much more. Almost one year later, I am still so happy to be right here. But there is one area in our lives that we continue to struggle to find contentment.

Soon after moving, we knew that the hunt for a church was top of the list. But as most of you know, looking for a church is draining especially when you have kids to check in at the nursery. We knew what we didn't want but we weren't sure what we really needed. Tired of trying to figure it out, we chose to go to church with my Mom and Step-Dad. We knew that the Pastor was known for his teaching. We trusted my parents and decided to go with them and soak up all that we could. In the mean time we made some great friends but one difficult thing remained, the location. It doesn't take us that long to get there but the thirteen miles that we drive puts this church a few cities away from ours. As a teenager my family lived down the street from our church home. That was important for me because those that we in my youth group were also in my classes at school. It created accountability for me in many ways and some of those relationships that I made in my youth group have remained a very important part of my life. (Right, Kelly Ann?) Attending church with those that were in my community was a must at that time. Now I wonder if that is true for this time in my life now. Should our place of worship be close to our home?

We driven a great distance for work. We drive to other important events. But for a growing, young family like ours, is it important to go somewhere close by? Also I have to say that now with us expecting a third child, I need more women in my life. Right? Or is it enough to have a couple of close friends that encourage me along the way? Is it best to have a network of close friends outside of church? I don't know anyone at my church that lives anywhere close to where we live. When I tell someone the city we live in, they wonder how we ended up at their church. Even though it really isn't far, it's not close. I won't lie! A part of me is selfish and I want to be close to those that I go to church with when this baby comes. I want to have sweet ladies bring food over and call me from the grocery store to see of there is something I need. Or maybe I would be more inclined to get out and take the kids places if I had women close by to rally around me. Right now I feel like having three kids so close in age will have me at home by myself all the time. Those that I have talked to at the church about this have a hard time seeing my point of view. Most don't have kids my age and they live within minutes of the church. Then there is my Mom who loves seeing her grandkids every single week and I love having them at church with us. It's nice to send one of them or both of them home with her on Sundays. My parents drive thirty miles and they don't complain. But, they don't have little kids either. Then there is the fact that my little brother and his family are moving here from Seattle in August and they will be attending the church too. They also have a baby due in November so it would be nice to be at church with all of the family. But a huge, annoying fact remains, I am lonely. I want to be a part of the church, I want my kids to be involved. I don't want to drive thirty minutes just to take Josiah to VBS. Selfish? I don't know. That's the journey I am on right now. Some people we knew back at our old church has just recently moved here. We have really connected with them and our kids have become really close. They keep trying to get us to visit a particular church with them. Then my really good friend Kelly Ann also goes to this particular church and has for over a year. It's five minutes from our house and is covered in Moms my age with kids the same age as mine. My instant reaction is to go visit. But, I don't know if the easy route is the best. My mom would be sad, I would be sad not being at church with them and I think we would really struggle with not having the Pastor that we do right now. His teaching keeps us holding on. Is that enough?

What does my husband think? Well, he thinks that I need to be happy but he is not sure what to do. And I have not brought it up to him since the last time we talked about it over a week ago. This is big for me too! I have kept my mouth shut so he can hear from the Lord. I don't want to manipulate Him. I know that if I complain and whine enough, I will get him to do what I want. That's not what I want.

So there you go, something to write about! I would appreciate your prayers. We need them.

I need a break! (revised)

2006-06-22T16:24:00.000-07:00

When I started the online Bible reading, I wanted to accomplish two things. First I want to figure out a way to keep myself accountable to being in the Word daily. Mission accomplished! I have been going strong for several months now! Thank you Lord! Second I wanted to encourage other women to do the same because I know that all of us have busy lives and don't always make it a priority to be in the Word. Mission accomplished! Thank you Lord for all the women that are staying in your Word! It's all because of Him!

A few weeks ago we began "Go Eat Popcorn". Galatians, Ephesians and Philippians have been wonderful books in the Bible that have helped me so I wanted to read them with you. A few of you encouraged me to keep going and finish with Colossians so I agreed. But, today I am done. I plan on continuing my study in this book but I won't be posting my thoughts every day. So continue on, just know that you don't have to post here anymore telling me that you have read.

With a three and one year old, and one on the way, I have realized that I really need some time for me. I am worn out! All of you moms out there know that feeling of burn out. I have blogged while the kids are napping or late at night or early in the morning or when my husband is home. But, it's become too much. It's not fun anymore. I need a break! Writing has always been something I love so I know I will continue but for now I just need to focus on my role as a Mommy and a wife! The Lord is doing a brand new work in me and I feel I need to get a way so I can figure out what it is. I'm still a blogger and I still read a few but right now I am going to try to do it less.

Thank you for always praying for me and ministering to me. You women ROCK and teach me so much about the Lord and being a Mom. You truly bless me. Thank you for reading the Bible with me, it has been an HONOR.

***I have been reading Sink Reflections by The FlyLady and it is changing my household and me! FlyLady has 11 commandments and the fourth one really showed me something that I needed to think about! 4. Don't allow yourself to be sidetracked by the computer!

Colossians 2

2006-06-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon! I read Colossians 2 early this morning. I hope you are all reading along with me. Unfortunately, I am unable to really spend time typing out things I would like to because I am babysitting. The two kids that I keep two days a week, I have three days this week. Their Mom, my friend Kelly, is in New York City for a girl's get-a-way so I am here at their house. All the kids are sleeping! I don't know how I was able to do it but I actually got them all to sleep for an afternoon nap. Just and hour and twenty minutes until their Dad will be home! Thankfully I have a short five minute drive home where I will CRASH. My house is clean so I am excited to go home to a clean house. WOW! I am so tired. Tomorrow is my last day to keep them this week. While the kids really are sweet and well behaved, I must say that I look forward to being done. I am pooped! But I look forward to having some extra money from this little job.

Bless you ladies!

Let's continue with Colossians

2006-06-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

Colossians 1

14God has purchased our freedom with his blood and has forgiven all our sins.

I have spoken with two friends this week that have desperate situations. As I listen to them talk and explain all the things going on in their home, I feel hopeless. Even as I pray I wonder how on earth to pray? How can I pray for something that seems impossible? My flesh longs to tell these women to run and never look back, but the spirit tells me to believe for the impossible. Just yesterday as I spoke to one of these precious women on the phone I said, "This is why we need a Savior! This is what the blood of Jesus is all about!" And this morning as I read today's passage I found this scripture.He purchased our freedom with His blood! Do we really believe that? Do we really believe when we are in the midst of being in our own prison that our freedom is really there? It's times likes these that we learn what the blood of Jesus is all about! When we are in need, when things look hopeless, that's when our Savior comes in and changes everything. That's the WHOLE reason He died on the cross! He died to set us free, free from everything! It may seem impossible, it may seem like everything is DEAD, but during those times we have to focus on the blood, the blood of Jesus! No matter what it is, the blood is there for you.

23But you must continue to believe this truth and stand in it firmly. Don't drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News.

How can I stand firmly in the truth? Just a thought.

28So everywhere we go, we tell everyone about Christ. We warn them and teach them with all the wisdom God has given us, for we want to present them to God, perfect[f] in their relationship to Christ. 29I work very hard at this, as I depend on Christ's mighty power that works within me.

Everywhere I go, everywhere I go, everywhere I go! Everywhere I go, I MUST share.

Philippians 4

2006-06-20T07:48:00.000-07:00

5Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

There are times in life when situations come up and we have every right to be mad or angry. The other day I was walking towards a line at a check out stand in Wal Mart. It was obvious to anyone watching that I was headed for a particular line. Out of no where, two teenage girls, jump in front of me and cut in line. I wanted so badly to say something under my breath but loud enough for them to hear. Anger instantly erupted on the inside. Quickly I got a hold of myself and remembered my duty as a child of God. Yes, that probably sounds pretty churchy and goody goody but that's the only thing that kept my mouth shut. My flesh was ready to fight! But the spirit won!

6Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Those that know me pretty well know that I have conquered a huge sin in my life over the past couple of years, worry. My middle name was worry. I worried about everything. Now I am not saying that I never worry because I do. But the worry does not control me like it used to. But this verse I quoted many times when frozen in fear. The verse is one I can never forget. I memorized it while in Junior High school and then in High School it became significant again. In Chemistry class I sat next to a really cute football player. Secretly I had a crush on him but I knew he would never like me. I was a church girl and not the most popular. But since I had such a crush on him, I really kind of cared about him in a weird sort of way. We both hated Chemistry and struggled a lot with the exams. One day I looked over at him while he was studying and his eyes looked like they were watering. Maybe he was this big football player crying, I don't know. But he was upset. I still remember what he said, something like this. "I'm gonna fail this test because I don't understand any of it!" At that point I took out a note card and wrote Philippians 4:6-7 and said "Memorize this! It will help you with everything!" The next day he came to Chemistry class and said, "I read that Bible verse." He then quoted it to me. I am not sure if he still remembers this. I pray that this verse has helped him many times.

8And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise

At times I really struggle with this verse or at least applying it to my life. Do I really understand that the Lord KNOWS my thoughts. Lord, help me to fix my eyes on what is true and not what I "think" is true. Help me to have thoughts that are pure. I pray that my thoughts will be honorable to you. I pray that I can think the best of people and not let my mind be consumed with negativity.

10How grateful I am, and how I praise the Lord that you are concerned about me again. I know you have always been concerned for me, but for a while you didn't have the chance to help me. 11Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to get along happily whether I have much or little. 12I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. 13For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. 14But even so, you have done well to share with me in my present difficulty.

Lord, I long to sing during the pain. I don't want to rely on the moments or events to make me happy. When the flowers have yet to bloom, I pray that I may rejoice. When the flowers are blooming big and bright colors, I pray that I may rejoice. Lord, remind me to rejoice at all times.