Friday, February 03, 2006

He trusts me

I am so thankful for the ones in my life that allow me to be silent.
My personality has been such a struggle for me almost all of my life. When you meet me, I am gregarious, loud, cheerful and one to constantly crack jokes. But when I am silent, most everyone thinks something is wrong. More times than not, that is true. I am not usually the quiet one and when I am, many things are going on that I am not sure how to handle. This is something that has been one of the biggest thorns in my side, for I just can't fake it! My pain, confusion, deep thought or physical exhaustion takes over my whole being. Many have told me that they can tell what kind of mood I am in from the second I walk in the door. Oh how I wish I could change this! Even as I type this blog, I cry just thinking about all the things that I need to change. It is truly more than I could ever bare.
So, I have been silent. I am unable to find the words to explain the pain I am feeling. But someone in my life has loved me through my silence. She has loved me through those phone calls of me being depressed. She has loved me through those times when I am empty and have nothing to say. She hasn't taken it personal or told me to get over it. Instead, she has just been there. It's a gift that she has given me. For I know that I can be silent and not worry about what she will think. Not once has she said, "Why haven't you called me? Why aren't you talking? Have I done something wrong?" Instead she has trusted me and I have trusted her. There are those we can be silent with, those we completely trust.

Relentlessly I have prayed and cried out to God, "Where are you Father? Why are you silent? Why are you not talking to me? Father, I can't hear your voice right now!" Oh how I long to hear from my Father. I need Him. I need His comfort, I need His words. I need His touch! But, the past couple of weeks have been silent. I know that I know that my Father is listening, so I continue with my pleas.
Not a moment passes that He is not in my thoughts, so I press on.
For, I know that His silence means one thing, He trusts me.

At times there are things in our lives that we need cleansing from and times when our sin has separated us from God. But, there are times like I am facing now that I have to trust my Father. For I know that He trusts me. He isn't punishing me, He hasn't turned from me. His silence is a gift. This gift make me chase after Him more and seek Him more. I long to please my Father and show Him my love. But more than anything, I want to feel His heartbeat and I have.
I may not hear Him, but I can feel Him. He has showed me numerous times today that He is here and working in my life like never before. A friend sent me a song this morning on email and I worshipped Him while listening to the song. As I cried out on my knees, I realized how present He was and how present He has been during this difficult time. Finally, it was in that sweet moment with Him that I heard Him! Hallelujah, I heard Him! "The more you seek me, the more you will find me."

So today I sing this amazing song.

The more I seek you, the more I find you. The more I find you, the more I love you. I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lay back against you and breathe, feel your heartbeat.
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.


Laura said...

I just found something for you: Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. Psalm 71:20 You have been through so much, but yet I see your hope and you hold strong to your faith! You are a beautiful woman and I thank God for you! You have a wonderful and unique gift to share with others and I just know you have touched so many people with your writing...someday you'll see!! You know He is the only answer...Proverbs 3:6! Love you sister!

Sonya Terrell said...

Again I say, we are so much alike. I am going through the same thing as you it seems. I feel so empty. I am letting my feelings get the best of me and I am shutting down. I need some light to seep through the darkness and awaken me from this funk.


Gwen said... touch me! I can so see how God is using you through your writing on this blog! I too haven't heard him you know I have a hard time distinguishing when he is speaking to me. So today....I'm trying to be patient and wait on his word. I am not lost... I refuse to be. A big part of that is because you have reminded me constantly to rely on our Lord! Whatever your going through.....I am praying!

Anonymous said...

You just left me in tears. I read your blog and completely identified with the sweetness that you felt hearing Him after a long time of silence. It is overwhelming to be close to Him and know that you are not forgotten. James 4:8 Come near to God and He will come near to you.
Love you sister-LC

Christy said...

Sweet Amanda! How precious you are! Psalm 55:16-18 He hears your cries! When this battle is over I know you are going to have an awesome testimony of what God is doing in you! I'm praying for you my friend!

Carrie said...

Loved the is a song that ushers in the Holy Spirit...thanks for sending it.

Great verse that Laura found...the Psalms speak volumes...David was so open, so authentic. He left nothing to the imagination as far as what he was feeling.

This will pass and God will bring you out victoriuos..with joy in your heart..."The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they might have life and have it more abundantly." John 10:10

Kili @ Live Each Moment said...

I absolutely love this blog. Thanks so much!

Kimber said...

What a great post - thanks for being open and honest and sharing your heart - I can relate - and I am glad that you have felt God's closeness as you worhip Him...many times it is the same for me, I stop wrestling enough to hear His voice through a song or His word...and my faith is fanned into flame once again ;)

Karen said...

When we go through times like that it seems they last forever. Sometimes God IS silent and I believe that is when He wants US to be silent and mediate upon His Word. That song ministers to me in a great way. It's hard to actually sing it because it is the cry of my heart. Great word from you today. i luv u mom

Minnie said...

My sweet friend ~ I just wanted to give you a big hug and tell you I love you! :o) Thank you for your honesty and willingness to be so open and raw with us. God is using you, girl! In more ways than you'll ever know.