I am so thankful for the ones in my life that allow me to be silent.
My personality has been such a struggle for me almost all of my life. When you meet me, I am gregarious, loud, cheerful and one to constantly crack jokes. But when I am silent, most everyone thinks something is wrong. More times than not, that is true. I am not usually the quiet one and when I am, many things are going on that I am not sure how to handle. This is something that has been one of the biggest thorns in my side, for I just can't fake it! My pain, confusion, deep thought or physical exhaustion takes over my whole being. Many have told me that they can tell what kind of mood I am in from the second I walk in the door. Oh how I wish I could change this! Even as I type this blog, I cry just thinking about all the things that I need to change. It is truly more than I could ever bare.
So, I have been silent. I am unable to find the words to explain the pain I am feeling. But someone in my life has loved me through my silence. She has loved me through those phone calls of me being depressed. She has loved me through those times when I am empty and have nothing to say. She hasn't taken it personal or told me to get over it. Instead, she has just been there. It's a gift that she has given me. For I know that I can be silent and not worry about what she will think. Not once has she said, "Why haven't you called me? Why aren't you talking? Have I done something wrong?" Instead she has trusted me and I have trusted her. There are those we can be silent with, those we completely trust.
Relentlessly I have prayed and cried out to God, "Where are you Father? Why are you silent? Why are you not talking to me? Father, I can't hear your voice right now!" Oh how I long to hear from my Father. I need Him. I need His comfort, I need His words. I need His touch! But, the past couple of weeks have been silent. I know that I know that my Father is listening, so I continue with my pleas.
Not a moment passes that He is not in my thoughts, so I press on.
For, I know that His silence means one thing, He trusts me.
At times there are things in our lives that we need cleansing from and times when our sin has separated us from God. But, there are times like I am facing now that I have to trust my Father. For I know that He trusts me. He isn't punishing me, He hasn't turned from me. His silence is a gift. This gift make me chase after Him more and seek Him more. I long to please my Father and show Him my love. But more than anything, I want to feel His heartbeat and I have.
I may not hear Him, but I can feel Him. He has showed me numerous times today that He is here and working in my life like never before. A friend sent me a song this morning on email and I worshipped Him while listening to the song. As I cried out on my knees, I realized how present He was and how present He has been during this difficult time. Finally, it was in that sweet moment with Him that I heard Him! Hallelujah, I heard Him! "The more you seek me, the more you will find me."
So today I sing this amazing song.
The more I seek you, the more I find you. The more I find you, the more I love you. I want to sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand, lay back against you and breathe, feel your heartbeat.
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.