Wednesday, March 15, 2006
She's gonna change you
One day after church while I was pregnant with Ava Beth, we decided to go to lunch with a couple that we had not really spent much time with. They were older than us, not by much but older. They had three daughters who were always very well behaved so I thought it would be good to spend time with people we could learn from. After lunch we walked outside to our cars so we could head home for afternoon naps. But instead we ended up standing in the restaurant parking lot talking for a long time about our marriages, our families and of course, our children. As I shared my fear of having a daughter, Lorraine (friend we were eating lunch with) shared a prediction with me. Actually, I believe she prophesied something amazing over my life that I will never forget. Everything she said was true. With tears in her eyes she looked at me and said, "Amanda, this precious baby girl is going to change everything about you. While your first baby Josiah changed your schedule, your time, your responsibilities and many other things, this little girl will do something different. She is going to bring healing to your life. The things that you hurt over so deeply from your past and present, she will shed new light on that pain. God will use Ava Beth to heal the little girl inside of you. She's gonna CHANGE you."
Ever since I can remember I have wanted a lot of babies. I used to say that I wanted five, enough for a basketball team! Along with those words I would also say that I wanted all boys. Mothers of boys are so cool, so tough, so go with the flow. When I was pregnant with Josiah my best friend said, "You're not going to be just any Mom! You are going to be a Mom of a BOY!" And I must say that I love being a Mom of a BOY! We build tunnels for cars, we play in the dirt, we throw rocks in the lake and we love HUMMERS! But being the mother of a girl, is completely, 100% different. When I found out I was having a girl I was shocked. My friend did the sonogram and let me know I was having a girl with, "I see ballerina slippers!" Instantly I was excited and instantly I was scared. How could someone so messed up like me teach a girl how to be confident? But since she has been born God has been working on me and healing many insecurities. It's a good thing because she goes wherever I go. And as those gorgeous, big blue eyes watch me, I change. She's watching, I have to.
There is ONE woman in this world that has opinions that I care about like no other. What she says matters! What she thinks matters! I listen to her, I trust her, I believe her and I have never been jealous of her. I don't care of she sings better that me, looks better than me or has more friends than me. In fact, I hope she does everything better than me because I'm watching her. She's my Mom. And with that, I know that Ava Beth is watching me too. She's a part of me, she's a little woman that I carry with me everywhere I do. When I get my feelings hurt, I pray for Ava Beth about her feelings as a woman. When I choose the wrong kind of friendships, I pray for Ava Beth to be wise in who she hangs out with. I even pray for the teenage years. May she always sit at the lunch table with someone who will make her better. And may I do the same. She's changing me.
While Josiah learns to play Golf and Football, I long for the days of tap, ballet and jazz! Ava Beth is changing me, softening me and making me realize how important my choices are. Someday when she packs her bags for The University of Texas (we pray) or some other big Texas school, drives away and begins a journey on her own, may she not carry my bags along with her.
My little girl is changing me. She has brought about healing in a way that no one else could. She's helping me in my journey and may I help her someday in hers. Daily I pray that she will be more than I ever was. I know she will be!
Ava Beth, someday you will read this. I pray that when you do that we have a close relationship. Right now you walk around the house carrying your baby doll or your purse. But soon you will be all grown up, too soon! You may be in New York dancing or singing on Broadway. You may be walking the Red Carpet or Ministering to the world but whatever it is you are doing, I pray that you will hold your head up high, not care what anybody says about you, love who you are and KNOW that you are a strong woman. You come from a long line of Godly, strong women and I know that you will do us all proud. I love you AB.