It's been an emotional few days for me. There are obvious things in my life that I need to change. For me, it's not so much a physical change, it's an attitude change. So I haven't posted in a few days because I've really been trying to push through and pray through a lot that I am feeling. Yes, I am sure that a lot has to do with being pregnant! Emotions! Yuck! While I would love to post pictures of the weekend, talk about my kids or share something that will make you think I am talented, pretty, cool or financially stable, I won't. I've never been good at pretending. While I do have a creative imagination, pretending about my life does not come easy for me. Sometimes that is a great thing and sometimes it's difficult. But today, it's a great thing because I can be honest with you! I'm really struggling right now but thankfully I can always hear my Heavenly Father so much better when I am in the "real" world. The "real" world is usually one that has pain and today I am struggling with pain. I know that blogging for many is a way to talk about their life and all that goes on in their day to day life. I use it for that too. But one thing I am always very conscience of is the condition of my heart. I have come to a point in my spiritual life where I can easily feel checks in my spirit. So I take this blogging thing seriously. My reason for blogging is not to stay in touch with anyone, not to keep grandparents filled in (they all live close by) and not to journal events for my children. My blog has been used for those reasons many times but really I want to minister to other women. That's my blogging purpose and I can't loose sight of that.
Writing is something that has always brought me peace. When I was a little girl, I would write in a journal. It helped me vent a lot of my frustration as a child. No one told me it was good writing because I was the only one to see it. Then in junior high and high school I really started to enjoy my English classes, especially when I had to write a paper. Then in my single days I attended a big church that had a huge sports ministry. The sports pastor had seen some devotions that I had written and asked me to start writing them for the flag football games and basketball games. Since I loved sports, it was easy for me to write devotionals that were sports minded. I really got into it and my devotions became popular. Honestly, I love to write but I don't consider myself to be as good as many of you blogging women out there. I don't have a formal education, I'm not an avid reader (I am starting to be) and my grammar is not great. Some people are so into grammar that my writing and grammatical errors would be a distraction for them. But, that's okay! I know I'm not perfect and I don't write for those reasons. I write for me and I write so the Lord can use me to minister to other women. Oh but I do love to learn and when I figure out how to write without messing up grammatically, I will be happy. Hey, that's what people have editors for! Right?! I do desire to be a fantastic writer and I want my writing to be good. But more than anything, I want my writing to be anointed. I want the Holy Spirit to speak to someone that needs to hear from Him from something I write. It's great knowing I don't have to be perfect in order to be used because my writing is FAR from perfect!
In the blogging world I have noticed many women that take this writing thing very seriously. Some have books, some win blogging awards and some are grammar queens. In fact, I am amazed at some of the writers out there in the blogging world. The stuff I have come across is amazing, totally amazing. Some write with humor that I just can't seem to find inside of me. Don't get me wrong, I have humor and lots of it but I am not always able to communicate it! Humorous writing is not necessarily my gift but those that write with humor make me laugh and bring joy to my blog reading daily! So lately I have felt kind of like an odd ball in the blogging world. The Lord has really been dealing with me on this issue over the past few days. Most people don't tell about horrible things from their childhood. In fact the more women I read, the more I learn about their childhoods and I am reading that many out there had great childhoods. I hate saying this but I am shocked by that! Also I read about these wonderful marriages, wonderful friendships and wonderful life experiences that people are having. It's made me wonder if I am the only one that has been where I have been. Am I the only one that had a horrible childhood? Am I the only one that really struggles to have a healthy marriage? Am I the only one that struggles with not wanting to have sex? Am I the only one with just a few dollars in my bank account right now? Am I the only one that is going through a very difficult financial time? Am I the only one who deals with worry? Am I the only one that has been hurt by friends? Am I the only one that struggles with acceptance? I don't expect everyone to write about deep things or bad things or personal things. But I do wonder how real all of us Christian women are with each other and I want my time spent to be on purpose. I know it's good to talk about the weather at times but it's hard for me. Some have told me that not being able to just "chat" is a bad thing. But, I think the Lord has wired me a certain way for a certain reason. I hope to figure that out soon!
This morning I prayed something very specific. "Show me things in my life that need to change. As you show me, put women in my life that can learn from me. Put women in my life that I can learn from. As you bring healing to me, use me to show others how to find healing in you." This morning I felt like the Lord was showing me something new and I am praying through it as I try to understand all the details. But I want to share with you my day to day journey as a woman. Some of you will not be able to relate one bit and I may loose some readers but that's okay. My life as a child and a teenager was very difficult so now as a wife and mother, my journey is me constantly trying to find healing from my past. That's all I have to share because that's who I am. I love my husband, I love my children but I have a lot of flaws to work through and I have to let my Lord and Savior do ALL the work!
As for this blog, I'm praying daily that the Lord will give me new things to write about. I only want to write what He gives me.
(I'm not sure if this post even makes sense but maybe it will to one of you that needs it! Oh and I LOVE reading all of the blogs out there. I love reading about your kids, seeing the pictures of your kids and reading about the simple things in life. So know that anything I am writing about pertains STRICTLY to me. It's not easy for people to talk about difficult things and I don't expect that. Blogging has been an outlet for me to do that but it may not be the way you choose to share your personal struggles. This post was all about me and what I am trying to learn.)