Monday, July 17, 2006

Just some thoughts

It's been an emotional few days for me. There are obvious things in my life that I need to change. For me, it's not so much a physical change, it's an attitude change. So I haven't posted in a few days because I've really been trying to push through and pray through a lot that I am feeling. Yes, I am sure that a lot has to do with being pregnant! Emotions! Yuck! While I would love to post pictures of the weekend, talk about my kids or share something that will make you think I am talented, pretty, cool or financially stable, I won't. I've never been good at pretending. While I do have a creative imagination, pretending about my life does not come easy for me. Sometimes that is a great thing and sometimes it's difficult. But today, it's a great thing because I can be honest with you! I'm really struggling right now but thankfully I can always hear my Heavenly Father so much better when I am in the "real" world. The "real" world is usually one that has pain and today I am struggling with pain. I know that blogging for many is a way to talk about their life and all that goes on in their day to day life. I use it for that too. But one thing I am always very conscience of is the condition of my heart. I have come to a point in my spiritual life where I can easily feel checks in my spirit. So I take this blogging thing seriously. My reason for blogging is not to stay in touch with anyone, not to keep grandparents filled in (they all live close by) and not to journal events for my children. My blog has been used for those reasons many times but really I want to minister to other women. That's my blogging purpose and I can't loose sight of that.

Writing is something that has always brought me peace. When I was a little girl, I would write in a journal. It helped me vent a lot of my frustration as a child. No one told me it was good writing because I was the only one to see it. Then in junior high and high school I really started to enjoy my English classes, especially when I had to write a paper. Then in my single days I attended a big church that had a huge sports ministry. The sports pastor had seen some devotions that I had written and asked me to start writing them for the flag football games and basketball games. Since I loved sports, it was easy for me to write devotionals that were sports minded. I really got into it and my devotions became popular. Honestly, I love to write but I don't consider myself to be as good as many of you blogging women out there. I don't have a formal education, I'm not an avid reader (I am starting to be) and my grammar is not great. Some people are so into grammar that my writing and grammatical errors would be a distraction for them. But, that's okay! I know I'm not perfect and I don't write for those reasons. I write for me and I write so the Lord can use me to minister to other women. Oh but I do love to learn and when I figure out how to write without messing up grammatically, I will be happy. Hey, that's what people have editors for! Right?! I do desire to be a fantastic writer and I want my writing to be good. But more than anything, I want my writing to be anointed. I want the Holy Spirit to speak to someone that needs to hear from Him from something I write. It's great knowing I don't have to be perfect in order to be used because my writing is FAR from perfect!

In the blogging world I have noticed many women that take this writing thing very seriously. Some have books, some win blogging awards and some are grammar queens. In fact, I am amazed at some of the writers out there in the blogging world. The stuff I have come across is amazing, totally amazing. Some write with humor that I just can't seem to find inside of me. Don't get me wrong, I have humor and lots of it but I am not always able to communicate it! Humorous writing is not necessarily my gift but those that write with humor make me laugh and bring joy to my blog reading daily! So lately I have felt kind of like an odd ball in the blogging world. The Lord has really been dealing with me on this issue over the past few days. Most people don't tell about horrible things from their childhood. In fact the more women I read, the more I learn about their childhoods and I am reading that many out there had great childhoods. I hate saying this but I am shocked by that! Also I read about these wonderful marriages, wonderful friendships and wonderful life experiences that people are having. It's made me wonder if I am the only one that has been where I have been. Am I the only one that had a horrible childhood? Am I the only one that really struggles to have a healthy marriage? Am I the only one that struggles with not wanting to have sex? Am I the only one with just a few dollars in my bank account right now? Am I the only one that is going through a very difficult financial time? Am I the only one who deals with worry? Am I the only one that has been hurt by friends? Am I the only one that struggles with acceptance? I don't expect everyone to write about deep things or bad things or personal things. But I do wonder how real all of us Christian women are with each other and I want my time spent to be on purpose. I know it's good to talk about the weather at times but it's hard for me. Some have told me that not being able to just "chat" is a bad thing. But, I think the Lord has wired me a certain way for a certain reason. I hope to figure that out soon!

This morning I prayed something very specific. "Show me things in my life that need to change. As you show me, put women in my life that can learn from me. Put women in my life that I can learn from. As you bring healing to me, use me to show others how to find healing in you." This morning I felt like the Lord was showing me something new and I am praying through it as I try to understand all the details. But I want to share with you my day to day journey as a woman. Some of you will not be able to relate one bit and I may loose some readers but that's okay. My life as a child and a teenager was very difficult so now as a wife and mother, my journey is me constantly trying to find healing from my past. That's all I have to share because that's who I am. I love my husband, I love my children but I have a lot of flaws to work through and I have to let my Lord and Savior do ALL the work!

As for this blog, I'm praying daily that the Lord will give me new things to write about. I only want to write what He gives me.

(I'm not sure if this post even makes sense but maybe it will to one of you that needs it! Oh and I LOVE reading all of the blogs out there. I love reading about your kids, seeing the pictures of your kids and reading about the simple things in life. So know that anything I am writing about pertains STRICTLY to me. It's not easy for people to talk about difficult things and I don't expect that. Blogging has been an outlet for me to do that but it may not be the way you choose to share your personal struggles. This post was all about me and what I am trying to learn.)

29 comments:

keri said...

hey amanda. thanks for your honesty here. and just wondering, are you referring to my "weather" post!? :) ha. i really appreciate your vulnerability and your desires with blogging. and you are not alone with your struggles. i know i have not been ready to share those struggles with the blogging world. at least not yet. but i applaud you and know that God will use your heart to encourage the rest of us to be real. btw...how was the church you visited yesterday?

Kelly Ann said...

I told you this last week, but I wanted the entire blogging WORLD to see it: Every time I read one of your posts, I KNOW it is from the Lord! They may not all relate to my life, but I know they all relate to someone out there! The authenticity we share is priceless and refreshing. I love you tons!!

Kelly Ann

Melissa said...

Amanda,

WOW! Thanks so much for sharing your heart. You are not alone. I am right there with you many days. I think there's a great temptation in blogging to put on a face (see my blog from Friday). I've also tried to be who I'm not. I do envy some of these women their humor, insight, etc. But I've learned that I'm not accomplishing the ministry He has for me if I'm not being true to His calling.

Would love to chat with you in more detail without the whole blogging community knowing about it. Maybe we can email.

Bless you for being obedient to him. And I'm curious about your church visit, too!

Amanda said...

Keri, oh my gosh! I forgot you did a post on the weather! No,no,no! I did not even mean the weather thing in blogging terms. I just meant I am always so bad at play groups, etc because I struggle to make small talk. And I pray that my heart comes through because I LOVE reading other people's blogs about their stuff in life! I have just found in my day to day life with women that we all share things about "good" stuff. You know?

I am so sorry if that came out wrong!!!

Kori said...

Amanda,
I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now and it has been wonderful for me. (I kind of randomly found it.) Your post today made total sense and am thankful there are women like you who can be "real". I can relate to much of what you said and your post was encouraging to me. I struggle with comparison and want more than anything to just be the "real me" - whoever that is! I have been on a journey of healing over the past couple years and am regaining ground on who I am and walking in God's grace.

Kori

Lela said...

Hi Amanda,
Found your blog a couple of weeks ago and have so enjoyed it. What you have shared has given me PEACE and STRENGTH and COURAGE.I think your realness shows courage and humility.I'm not good at small talk either; I like to talk about subjects of substance.I'm also a Southern girl.

Dionna Sanchez said...

I can understand and see where you are coming from. You are special and the things that move in your heart are there for a reason.

Julie said...

Hi Amanda,

I've been reading your blog for about a week. I've had many of the same thoughts. I don't learn from women who have it "all together". I didn't have an easy childhood and it is still something I struggle with today. God has done amazing things in my life, but the more I change the more I see that I need to change. I feel blessed to be with women who share their struggles. I feel like then we can encourage each other. Thank you for your honesty. It lets me know that I'm not alone in my struggles.

Amanda said...

Kelly Ann, what would I do without you? I love you.

Keri (my eleven), you have become my Best friend in blogging. What a blessing you are! Our email conversations bring soooooo much joy to my day!

Melissa, thank you for saying what you did. I read your blog and I know you mean business when it comes to your relationship with the Lord. I can't wait to talk more!

To all of you other ladies! Wow, I am so blessed to have you visit. It's always such an honor to me when I find out that I have new readers. I feel so blessed and I thank you for being honest and sharing your life with me.

All of you ladies bless me more than you can imagine! What beautiful hearts you have! These are the kind of women I want to surround myself with.

momteacherfriend said...

I am so hearing you. Annointed. We write for many of the same reasons. You are not the only one that has real life struggles or little money in the bank. Thanks for being real.

Barb said...

No one's checking out your grammar, Amanda. I'm pretty good with grammar but when I'm blogging, I couldn't care less. I jsut speak from my heart. And that's what you do. And that's why we all keep coming back. Not to worry. All of us have the same feelings you have. We're just not as brave as you are. You should be proud of yourself. You're on the right path.

Amanda said...

Barb, I haven't been criticized for grammar by anyone but ME so that's good to hear Barb!

You are precious and I love the fact that I have YOU reading MY blog!

keri said...

how cool....your blogging BFF!?? i feel so honored...really!! its amazing to me how quickly we can all build real friendships, without even meeting each other! thanks for already being a real friend to me!

Kili @ Live Each Moment said...

Amanda,
I really liked this post. You were opening up yourself. On my blog my posts are usually based off how I am feeling. Most the time when I blog I am wanting to read something that makes me laugh, and write something that others enjoy reading.

Honestly? I did have a great childhood, and my marriage doesn't really have problems, but we don't actually have an income right now. So yeah there are financial difficulties, and sex? Um, yeah not something I ever really enjoy and I struggle with.

I am not funny, but I wish I were. As you can tell by my posts, sometimes I talk so much about the everyday, I forget to post my deep stuff...although I love sharing both!

You are great Amanda, just keep on posting. Maybe if you want to have a discussion on an issue, start a discussion on your blog on topics that you deal with. Maybe find something that hosts free "forums" for discussions (if you use flickr you can actually start group discussions for free) and when you start a topic link it from your blog for everyone to read! Then we can interact in a way you need!! :)

Amanda said...

Kristina, I think we all have different struggles and we all blog for different reasons. I wanted to communicate my reasons through my post. Yours won't be anything like mine and mine won't be like yours because we are on different journeys. That's what makes blogging so much fun! Thanks for the advice but blogging is what I use to share what the Lord is doing in my life and with two little ones and one on the way, starting a forum would not be beneficial. I think I will stick with my blogging! :)

Kellie said...

First, I love your picture you are so beautiful.

Well First, First. I love you. I also love your emotional nakedness. You are truely open to laying it all out for the LORD. I admire you.

For your struggles you are not alone. I know you know that but when the devil can get you he will use a lie like that to discourage you. Do not accept it!

We are struggeling right now with many of the same issues.

I believe that you are blessing many and you are reaching hearts of women in need. We need you and I keep coming back for more. Just because I am refreshed by your heart that is open.

Christy said...

Great post!

Anonymous said...

Just so you know....I learned something from you.....I went out and bought Baby Wise, and it has been the most comforting thing to read. I am the baby in the family and I have never had to be around babies. Talking to you the other day helped me. You telling me about that book helped me....dont ever underestimate anything...you are a powerful spirit. Take charge! You can do anything! Look how far you have come...You are a great mom, and I hope I can set a routine as easily as you did! I hate reading that you are down....thats not my MANDI !! Love you! and keep on trucking!

V. said...

wierd huh?

I always think I'm so bad at small talk too...it just seems so useless.

I can go to a party and have a GREAT time just sitting and listening to everybody else; but don't ask me to just chat about nothing.

And yet, I have alot to say. When with a close friend, I can lay it all out there.

I think that's why God puts special people in our lives. He doesn't want us to just live in small talk. He wants us to grow and to grow each other by participating in the big, heavy junk too. Some people miss that all together.

I'm glad God has wired you the way he has, and I'm glad we have been able to connect.

Your coffee buddy,

V.

Kili @ Live Each Moment said...

AManda,
I understand. Just thought I'd throw that out there> I really enjoy reading your blog, you are always encouraging! Thanks for that encouragement!

Tammy said...

Hi Amanda,
As a few other here- I discovered your blog a couple weeks ago (and was one of the first ones I bookmarked, too.)
As a very new blogger, I am stuggling with some similar issues. You see, I DID originally start blogging with the button turned to "private" so that only friends and family could read it. I can't even remember what exactly was the turning point in wanting to go public. But now that I have, I so want to be used of the Lord.
And I struggle...because I have no particular style...as you said about yourself, I am not gifted for an especially witty post day in and day out...nor do I always feel like giving a message. It depends on my day...but yet, I want God to guide me if there is something He wants me to convey.
I've always struggled with insecurities, so when I see people have replied to my posts, I admit, it makes me feel good. But I so don't want my motivation for blogging to be about that.

I've gone on long enough, when this was about you- not me! ;) But I guess I could very much identify with what you were saying. And I wanted to let you know that you weren't alone with some of those thoughts.

Thank you for a thought-provoking post and for your transparency. And even though we all need to read various styles of posts (and for me right now, also write them!) I think your honesty will help inspire others to let down their mask just a bit.
Blessings,
~Tammy

Sarah H. said...

Hey Amanda!
Ok I'm not exactly the best when it comes to translating thoughts into words but i'll try:


Lots of us come from grim pasts. And naturally, a cycle of pain is developed but it's God's intention for us to face our pain, loss, anger, resentment.

Because the truth is, yeh maybe some scars will be left, but God heals the wounds.

Doesn't mean we'll ever forget what happened but, God can grant us the ability to forgive others, to live in peace wih ourselves, to heal us from the consequences that might have followed bad situations.

And well, I always see you walking that path. I always see how God works in your heart, mind, soul.

like I said before, I can see God through you. And it's amazing - and needed at times.

I can always look at a person like you and see that no matter hwo grim things look now,

God gives us hope.

Love you!

Amanda said...

Wow! I am speechless! I can't believe the comments this post brought on! I was obedient to what I felt like the Lord was wanting me to write and OBVIOUSLY there was a reason He placed it on my heart. I love hearing about what God is doing in all of your lives and all the things He is showing you. I dream of someday speaking to women and I pray that at least one of you will be in the audience. You ladies bless me soooo much! Every single one of you that have written.

Wendy said...

Thanks for a great post and for being transparent. I haven't shared very many personal things on my blog, but yet in what I have shared I have seen how God can use it to encourage others where they are at the moment. I appreciate your heart for people and how you view your blog.

Karen said...

Wow! Sometimes the comments are just amazing. These should really make your day. You are a blessing to all of us who read your blogs. You have the ability to truly become transparent. That is not something I do often. Your transparency is healing for yourself and for other women. Some women will be able to heal through YOUR transparency even when they cannot do that on their own (like ME!).

Keep writing and "speak when spoken through". You will always be effective in your ministry when you allow God to use you.

Hope your day is sweet! Kiss your babies for MiMi.

I love you.
mom

Karen said...

Wow! Sometimes the comments are just amazing. These should really make your day. You are a blessing to all of us who read your blogs. You have the ability to truly become transparent. That is not something I do often. Your transparency is healing for yourself and for other women. Some women will be able to heal through YOUR transparency even when they cannot do that on their own (like ME!).

Keep writing and "speak when spoken through". You will always be effective in your ministry when you allow God to use you.

Hope your day is sweet! Kiss your babies for MiMi.

I love you.
mom

Gwen said...

Amanda,

I too am amazed at the feedback from this post! It shows you are not alone with your struggles. We have talked about the struggle to be true to who we are. I struggle because I feel like I want to share and often choose not to share some things on my blog because of either privacy or fear of judgement. I think I have overcome a lot of those fears because I am one of those people that to know me is to truly know me. I think I do a pretty good job on that in my blog! LOL!!! If you know me you know my everyday struggles. I often fear people will stop reading because I talk about struggle so much. Then I remember this is for me, for my children later(my original purpose in blogging.) This is like therapy for me!

Yet there are still struggles I often don't talk about on my blog but feel the desire. The issues of finance (so right there with ya seriously!) Sex...big struggle not one I usually discuss but wish I could. I know this post was about you but I guess I'm just trying to convey that you are not alone. I love reading your blog and always look forward to the next entry!

The fact that you are not afraid to say what is on your heart and what the Lord is calling you to write is such a testament of who you are! I am blessed to know you!

Amanda said...

V. I love this! Let's meet for coffee! I know we would talk for HOURS and I know I can talk about some deep stuff with you. Okay, I am leaving now and I will try to meet you soon. :)

How do I get to Canada?

Dee said...

Wow! Somewhere along the way, I could have written the same post!!! I am often one of those deep people too. I want people to know all of me, my unhappy childhood, my marriage woes, my lack of sex interest (LOL) and more. But - it seems small talk is all that most are comfy with. I am not good at small talk! You are so honest in all your posts and for that, I thank you. You allow others like us to see that you CAN be a Christian and have daily struggles; because often times, people assume that since we are Christians, we shouldn't be unhappy. That is, if we are living right.

So much that you said mirrored how I feel. I too love to write, but more often than not make grammatical mistakes. Not to mention that sometimes, my thoughts all run together!!! Keep on doing what you are doing!!!

I intend to continue reading your blog, because you have encouraged me. Especially your money post!!

God Bless.....