I thought I would change my profile picture to something a little more like me! I am a lot of fun! Okay?! Yes, I know my blog writing tends to lean towards the more serious side at times. But I will make you laugh! I will be the loudest, the craziest and the most gregarious person at the party. Well, unless Minnie is there. She is a tad bit louder, especially when she laughs! Anyway, I am sure I will change my profile picture as much as I change my hair and I actually just changed the hair last weekend but I don't have a picture so you are stuck with a picture from a couple of months ago. No, I did not cut it! It's the color, only color. This is the part of me that I love. My ability to make others laugh, do impersonations and sing at the top of my lungs while trying on clothes in the dressing room or using a public restroom (when I do this, I am usually with my best friend Rebecca), this is the part of me I am proud of! I never meet a stranger and I am a good communicator in person. No college degree but I could always interview well! So as a single adult I had great paying jobs. I like to eat out all the time, I like to go to Target and Wal Mart with a friend, not by myself and of course I would never eat out alone. It's not because I'm afraid to be alone, I just don't want to! I want to be around people constantly. I can sing or speak in front of thousands, I actually love it. While this may sound like I am just a big bragger, I am explaining the "I" that I am. If you have ever taken the DISC test, you know what I am referring to. But there is something I don't like about this test one bit! The results! I went through this testing in a Life Management course I went through that was created by Dr. Phil. It was expensive, gut wrenching, life changing and also horrible to go through. But, that was the first time I had taken the DISC test and discovered that I was not only an "I", but also a "D". In fact, my "D" and "I" were totally even on the chart. Again, if you have taken this then you know exactly what I am talking about. If not, I am quite sure you can google "DISC" and find all the information. I have now taken the test five times, hoping to see that my "I" was all alone while the other letters were way down the chart but each time the results are the same. I am a "D"/ "I". And this my friends, I hate. I don't want to be a "D"!
I like to get my own way, I will prove my point, I am honest and sometimes too honest, I want to be in charge, I will be in charge, I lead and it's extremely hard for me to sit back and follow. It's hard for me to be silent and not share my opinion and I am argumentative at times. Of course there are great things about being a "D", but since this is the part of me that usually brings trouble my way, I struggle with it a lot. Over the past month, I have really been praying about this area in my life. It's confusing for me and confusing for others I am sure. At times I am the total "I" and then if there is something I am passionate about in any way, the "D" comes barreling through! When I come across other people that fall under that "D" category, I realize how I can come across. I see it in them and then realize, "Yikes! I do that too!"
Living a spirit filled life is tough, especially when you put yourself in a box and label yourself with personalities types. I don't want to do that. But I do realize that there is a lot of truth to the results of the tests I have taken. I know that there are traits in my personality that has to be checked or sanctified. I can't strive for Holiness when I am trying to get my own way. I cannot be a Godly woman with a gentle spirit if I have to be the center of attention. As I have prayed about this for the past few weeks, the thing I come back to over and over again is self examination before the Lord. I want to be so in tune with the Lord that I feel convicted over everything I do that doesn't glorify Him. It may be a TV show I am watching, a song I am listening to or the content of my conversations or thoughts. When I get alone and listen to the Lord, He lets me know. He lets me know what doesn't match up with Him.
1. A woman addicted to reality TV or TV period! That does not line up with what I know the Lord has called me to do with my life and my testimony. Having TiVo does not help this addiction. I HAVE TO KEEP THIS IN CHECK. My time is filled with TOO many shows that I can't miss. It has become an idol. This is the most difficult conviction to deal with.
2. A woman that wants to be center stage at all times, that does not match up with what I know the Lord has called me to do. Even though I know he has called me to sing and speak, this will be something I always have to keep in check. It can't be about me!
3. A woman driven to do it my way, that does not line up with what God has called me to do. Things in my personality have to be sanctified. If I walk in the spirit, these traits will be sanctified.
4. A woman that has to have nice things in her house or new clothes to make her feel good, this is not what God has called me to be. Those things cannot be my treasure. This gets in the way of so many women's lives and it is one that could definitely take over mine. This takes a lot of prayer! If I posted pictures of my house on my blog, I would want you to see my decorating, my nice things, etc. Now to some of you that may not sound like an issue, but I know that my heart would not have the purest motive. I would want you to see my "stuff." That's wrong.
5. A woman that has to use this blog to make others think she has it all together, that is not what God has called me to do. I don't want to show off, or use this blog to lure anyone into thinking I am something I am not. If I have two readers, then I have two readers. I constantly pray that the Lord will not allow me to get sucked into certain things when it comes to blogging. It's so tempting.
Those are just five things that the Lord is showing me in my own life. I relate it to my personality traits because I am learning what I have to watch out for as I walk my path. Whenever we find a church that we will join, I will struggle. I will struggle with wanting the important people to know that I sing and all the places I have sung. I will want to tell them about all the stuff I have done, all the stuff I can do. I will sit in a Bible Study and long to be teaching it myself. I will sit in the congregation, listen to the music and picture myself up there singing. It's my flesh, it's my personality, it's my struggle and I have to learn to sit back and allow the Lord to make room for my gifts. Honestly, I am dreading the challenge. I would rather be a rock star, instantly. There's lots to love but lots to change.
Lord, you are always showing me things that need to change. But I thank you for also showing me the things that are great about me too. I constantly have to remind myself that you created me with these traits and if I walk in your spirit, they will be beautiful traits and used for the kingdom. Thank you for teaching me and getting me to a place where I can hear you so well.