Pray, remember, believe and stay

There are very few movies or shows on Disney or Nickelodeon that my two children will sit and watch. I mean really watch. When they were babies, I could pop in Baby Mozart so I could grab a quick shower. As they got older, Praise Baby or The Wiggles would work. But finding something that a three and a half year old and one and a half year will both watch is difficult. I had no idea in 2003 when Finding Nemo came out that it would be the gift that is today. This movie works better than any other movie we have. Josiah loves Madagascar but his little sister looses interest quick. Chicken Little can't hold their attention at all and Monsters Inc. scares Josiah. But Finding Nemo works like a charm!

Pregnant with our third, I am tired right now a lot. Also I have had morning sickness like the other pregnancies but even more so with this one. This has led me to turn on the television a lot. It's been a must. When you feel like you are within seconds of throwing up ALL DAY long, you do what you have to do. There is no time to sit around and relax! Not with two little ones running around! So Finding Nemo has been my best friend lately. I never really paid attention to the story line until now. In the past, the movie was background noise for me. While I am cleaning, cooking or paying bills, the movie would be on to entertain for a bit. Now I find myself laying on the couch with the kids watching this movie at least once a week. While they watch, I relax and even doze off in order to fight the morning sickness. But the past few times we have watched it, I have realized that there is a character in this movie that I can relate to. Kindred spirits you may call it. Marlin is one I know well! Just look at his scared little face in the picture! At times I have had the same look on my own face!

Nemo's Dad, Marlin, had a hard time dealing with the past. After Nemo's Mom was killed by the Shark, the image could not leave his mind. Tragedy took joy away and caused him to calculate his every move and his son's. He was too afraid to enjoy life because something else could come and destroy it in an instant! It was better for him to just be safe by expecting the worse to happen. For those of you that grew up in a normal home with lovely memories to look back on, you are blessed. I love to surround myself with people that grew up in that environment. I learn so much from you. Unfortunately I did not grow up in that kind of environment. Mine was the complete opposite. As a child I lived in fear daily. There is not one Holiday I can remember that did not begin or end in drama. There were no family vacations. I can't remember any family meals and it's very difficult for me to recall any "happy" times period. As a result, I began my marriage with a lot of fear. Then when my son was born, the fear intensified. For several years I fought really hard against stability or anything good happening in my life. Relationships I sabotaged, good things I made bad things and easy things I forced to be difficult. It was something so deep within me that I did not know how to get rid of it. When my husband proposed I was totally excited, blown away that God answered my prayer. But within a few short days I was miserable. Afraid he would die in a car accident, afraid he would get sick and die, afraid he would change his mind and leave me. Afraid, afraid, afraid. With much prayer and constant affirmation from him, I trusted him. I learned to believe that he loved me and we got married. When I found out I was pregnant with Josiah, I was ecstatic. But soon after, I was afraid. Afraid of miscarriage, afraid of defects, afraid of everything you could possibly imagine. It's taken a lot of praying, a lot of accountability and a lot of reading God's Word, but that spirit of fear has been broken. It still comes at times but now I know how to fight it. I have even learn to recognize the symptoms and I know just what to do. Pray, remember, believe and stay.

If I watch the news, it comes. If I hear a story of a child getting cancer, it comes. If I hear of someone loosing their husband, it comes. And if I don't watch where my mind goes and make sure it is being filled with God's Word, it comes. Just today, it came. The kids and I were running around town taking care of a bunch of errands. All of the sudden I saw a line of cars ,with their headlights on, following a police car to a cemetery. Within seconds, my mind was going nuts. "What if this? What if that? What would I do? How would I make it?" Fear came upon me within seconds! But something amazing happened. I heard from the Lord. The Holy Spirit comforted me and spoke to me through words I have read in scripture. "Do these thoughts bring fear? Don't be afraid. Don't let your mind go so far. If you are afraid, this is not from Me. I do not bring thoughts to your mind that would bring fear. Fear is not from Me. Those thoughts are not from Me. Perfect love casts out all fear." That was it! That was the answer! Those thoughts are not from the Lord, so don't let your mind go any further than it already has! So, I prayed and fixed my thoughts on Him. Prayer brings relief and comfort. It reminds me of who I serve and how much He loves me. Prayer is key.

I don't know if any of you are like me. In fact this kind of stuff is kind of embarrassing for me to admit. At times I take things way too far in my mind. "Maybe God is letting me see this story or hear this story to prepare me for something bad. Or maybe this happened to someone else because it is going to happen to me and I will need someone to help me through it." It's really quite selfish if I think about it that way. But, that's what my mind does. It goes crazy and creates crazy things! It's during those times that I have to remember. When I think about all the things I have worried about, all the things I have lost sleep over, I laugh. Jeremy did not change his mind about me, he married me and he loves me. Josiah is healthy, Ava Beth is healthy. And when I was on my vacation a few months ago, there was no Tsunami that hit Mexico and my kids were totally fine when I came back. Now the Tsunami thing did not take over my mind but I did think "What if?". The best thing for me to do when my brain goes into that mode of fear, is to remember. Remember that God is in control, remember all the times I have worried over nothing and remember that He does not bring any thought into my mind that would cause fear. Never, never, never, will God be the author of fear! I must remember that!

When I was five years old, I accepted Christ. The Lord knew I would need him early in life so I am so thankful for that day I accepted Jesus. I still remember the day, I had AM kindergarten and was home in the afternoon. On one of those afternoons, that's when it happened. Even now when I think about it, I know it was a supernatural thing. Despite my circumstances at home, despite my Dad being an alcoholic, despite all of the dysfunction, my parents lead me to Jesus. At that moment, I believed. Then I had lots of practice believing. When things were bad, I believed. When I hid in my closet crying as a little girl, I believed. When I wasn't physically safe, I believed. Unfortunately the pain caused me to grow up thinking the worst but taught me to believe that no matter what, Jesus was going to take care of me. Always has, always does, always will. That's what I have to believe, no matter what pain comes my way.

Life does not come without pain. Cancer, death, broken relationships, bad doctor's reports, it happens. It will happen. While all of those things scare me, I try my hardest to not think about them. I try to not live in fear like Marlin. Nemo hated how his dad was afraid. It kept Nemo from exploring and living his little fish life. It took something bad to show Marlin that he had to believe. Nemo lived, Marlin was relieved and I think they lived happily ever after. While my life is nothing like that of a fish, I relate to moral of the story. Daily I pray that my kids do not struggle with the fear I have struggled with. I work hard to not have it manifest in my life because I know my kids will see it. But, it's a battle. I have to pray, I have to remember and I have to believe that no matter what comes, He is there. And all of this is so much easier when I STAY in His word.

Lord, help me to stay in your Word DAILY. Remind me to spend time with you. Remind me that I can't get through the day without your Word. Remind that my strength comes from your bread. Forgive me for days like today when I get going without getting into your Word. I have learned that your Word will combat so much in my life. Father, I long to STAY in your Word. Thank you for healing me. Thank you for showing me that without me staying in your Word, I can't be free. I love you Lord, Jesus. Thank you for always showing me the truth and showing me what I need to do. Thank you!!