I've changed but I've got more to do

Back in my single days, I lived a few glory days that involved me singing in front of thousands of people each weekend. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I still miss that time in life very much. To remind me of that season, there is a video that I have and it's put away in a drawer along with other VHS tapes that we never use. Does anyone even remember VHS?! Well, one afternoon while I needed to run errands, my Dad came over to watch the kids. Ava Beth, my 15month old daughter and Josiah, my three year old son, became very restless and my Dad searched all over the house for something to keep them entertained. Well he found the drawer full of old tapes and found one video labeled "Amanda's solos". When I arrived home I noticed the storm door had the window raised. I could hear myself singing and it was coming from inside the house! As I walked in the front door I was shocked to find my kids sitting completely still in front of the tv watching me sing on this video. My Dad looked at me and said, "This is the third time they have watched this! They love it!" At one time Ava Beth could only be entertained by Baby Mozart, now that's been replaced by Mommy singing! So a little while ago while Josiah was playing with his friend in the backyard, Ava Beth was extremely upset that she couldn't be out there with them. I thought I would give it a try with the Mommy video and it worked! Instantly, she was happy. I decided to sit down and watch it with her, it had been a while since I had seen this video of all the different solos I sang. As I watched, I realized how much I have changed. Not only is my hair a few different colors and longer, but I am several years older and much, much different.

Watching that twenty-two year girl sing her heart out on stage brought me back to who that girl was at the time. Not one time while singing any of those songs did I ever think that my children would someday be watching me on video. There are many days when I wake up feeling insecure and disgusted with myself. Sometimes I slip back into an old way of thinking and forget how far I've come. But today as I watched the video with my daughter I realized how far I really have come. My trust in the Lord has grown in ways I never dreamt was possible. My hunger for truth has gotten stronger and I am much more self aware. At twenty-two I believe I was extremely selfish and self absorbed, sometimes I still am. My patience was non-existent and my self esteem was poor. I trusted everyone I met, now I don't. Good thing? Bad thing? Both! I worried about everything and I do mean everything. I thought I would never find true love and I thought I would for sure never find a husband let alone him find me. Having children was a craving but it just didn't seem possible. Even though I was only twenty two at time, I really thought there was no one that would ever fall in love with me. As soon as I thought I may have met the man I would marry, my heart was broken. Since I was so insecure, I did a lot of damage to others. Sometimes I got very close to people only to burn a bridge soon after. Again, I sometimes struggle with doing the same thing at thirty years old. But, one thing I know for sure, I'm not the same. The struggles are still there and I'm still pretty much the same girl, but there is one big difference! I'm better!

It seems that I am my worst fan in life sometimes. Self condemnation is my biggest struggle and the voices in my head sometimes get the best of me. The video today reminded me, I have changed. Back then I wasn't so bad, I was just young! I am sure that when I am forty I will look back at me being thirty and realize how much I've changed.

So all this to say, I need your prayers. I am really struggling with some things about myself. I know that I have some great qualities. I know that I am a good mother and wife but at times I am not quite sure how to be anything else. Before God can fully use me to be a minister, I have got to learn how to love other's. Before I can love other's, I have got to learn how to love myself.

Please pray, I need it.