Tuesday, January 24, 2006

What color do you want?

I haven't smelled a new car in a long time. But now I can because the Lord blessed us with a new vehicle that we needed. Not only does it have that wonderful new car smell but it is the color I wanted and chose. Never have I been given the choice to choose the color!
I never imagined I would ever hear the words, "What color do you want?"

Choosing a color was actually kind of difficult. I have never been able to choose what color vehicle I wanted. In the past we have bought used and it works out to be the color that happens to be the best deal so I don't have a choice. But buying new allows you to have a choice. So, as I looked in the book at all the different colors, I was unsure as to what I liked best. Finally, the sales manager said "You tell us what color you like and we will drive it up here and let you take a look at it." Okay, that's easy enough! I don't think the guy counted on my next move. "Well, I like three colors." By the end of our chat inside the Ford House, each color I liked was driven to the front for me to view. Let me say, I felt powerful for sure! My husband was a little taken back by my commands/demands on this salesman but I knew I had to be SURE before we drove off that lot. The friendly salesman didn't seem bothered and allowed me to take the time I needed to choose the color. Suddenly, I decided! "Okay, I want the silver one!" Jeremy loved the silver, the salesman said he thought it was a good color, so I agreed. Then, it hit me as I looked out the window at the other colors that I didn't want silver! "I don't want the silver." Annoyed, my husband glares at me and the salesman says, "Okay, what do you want?" I then told the two that I would be back in a moment. I knew I had to go outside and really check those colors out. Then it happened, I made my final decision and there was no way I was changing my mind. "Pueblo Gold Metallic, that's the color I want." And that's the color I got.

At times I am overwhelmed with the things in my life that need to change. Some things never seem to really go away completely but some things need to. There are attitudes I struggle with, mainly about myself. I get frustrated easily, I get stressed easily, I get my feelings hurt way too easily and I worry about what others think way too much! I know I'm getting better. I know I'm not where I was a few months ago or even weeks ago. God is constantly shaping me.
Days come where I feel I know what I want and I know what I have to do to get there. Then those days are almost always followed by days that throw me off the path I was on prior to the bad day. Up and down, down and up. It seems I can't find stable ground. One minute my marriage is great, the next minute I am struggling beyond measure. One minute, I love those in my life that hurt me. I am able to look beyond things they have done, things they have said and love them anyway. Other days, I want to burn the bridge, blow it up with dynamite and never go back to a place where I can be hurt again.
My struggles throw me off and confuse me. Then I wonder, "Will I ever get this Lord? Will I ever be done with all of this junk in my life? Will I ever really be sure of who I am?" Do I really know who I am in Christ? Am I truly seeking His approval or others? Do I really know what color I want?

The past week and a half has consisted of me being confused, me being angry, me being sad and me being in a full blown funk! Honestly, I am still feeling like I am in it. I am irritated and bothered. I am just plain yucky. It's like a virus has come in and hit my spiritual health. And you know you the only thing that will cure a virus is time. So, I have continued reading the Word and continued praying. I have tried hard to push through it but I still feel like I am unsure of so many things right now. I am not unsure of God, just unsure of what He is wanting me to do right now in many areas.
As soon as I thank I have it figured out, I don't! Even now as I type this blog, I wonder how on earth any of you can relate to this.
I wonder if I should even be writing. I wonder what in the heck is going on with me. I'm not pregnant (usually in a bad mood for no apparent reason), I'm not experiencing the monthly curse (usually mad), I just feel so bothered. As I looked through the book at the dealership of all the different colors to choose from for my new vehicle, I was overwhelmed. I had to see the actual color in person, not in a book. Otherwise, there was no possible way I knew what color I wanted. I had to touch it, I had to see it! I had to walk away from the vehicle to see how the color looked from a distance.

Well, it seems that God is allowing me to experience the same thing with my life. I am seeing things I don't like. I am feeling things that need to change. I am coming face to face with the colors in my life.
I see them from a distance and I see what I like and what I don't like. The only way for me to have the best is to get rid of the worst. Before I can have what God desires to give me, some things have to be in order. So, I ask you my blovel readers, to pray that I get this! Pray that I will begin choosing the best colors for my life. For God has given me a choice, I must choose.

Proverbs 24:27
Finish your outdoor work and get your fields ready; after that, build your house.


Sonya Terrell said...

Amanda, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know how you feel. It seems like just when we think we have it all together, everything turns upside down. I cry out to God all the time to allow me some stability in my life. I feel like I am always asked to change or asked to move outside my comfort zone. I always seem to stuggle with so many areas of my life.

What we need to realize is that within all that change is God's plan and he is the only stable part of it. I know he is using every storm to grow me into a better person and the it's the same for you. Keep doing what you are doing, stay in the word, continue praying. Keep your eyes on Jesus. This is most important! Remember Peter only started sinking while walking on the water towards Jesus, when he took his eyes off him and itstead started looking at the storms around him.

I have been told countless times that when we go through a really trying time, it's because you are doing God's work OR there is a major blessing around the corner and Satan is trying to make you weak so not to fully enjoy the blessing.

Keep your chin up, Girl!! You have friends that love you and are praying for you.

V. said...

Hi Amanda....OK, OK, I'll start leaving comments when I'm here..!

It's too bizarre for me to read this post - your life sounds like my life..we just bought a new car last week..and one of my journal entries says this :

"all week I have been having this re-occurring thought that for me, the "face" of business professional is a mask. that in order to experience God's power I need to take the mask completely off. While I had been sensing changes were due, I have been looking to God to lead me in the usage of my skills and abilities, rather than just asking God to lead. If God gives us new names, and my 'old' name was 'Business Professional', my new name is "?".

So I COMPLETELY identify with where you are at. I know God is doing something, and I know it is very different, but I have NO IDEA what it is and that keeps the waiting hard.

Take time to read Psalm 40. It examines deep personal issues of faith and fear and how they get tangled up for us. It sets a wonderful tone of transparency in dealing with the joy and sorrow that coexist in life. It has themes of failure, sin, humiliation, and shame; and at the same time of redemption and salvation from that shame.

Keep on!

kelly g said...

Know that you are loved and lifted up. We all struggle with the paths we choose and the direction God leads us. I will pray that you will find his peace. I hope you have a wonderful day

Shelley said...

I relate . . . .

jliddick said...

I am praying that you will break through this with flying colors! Friends can be like colors as well.You have to choose the ones who will lift you up, listen to you, pray with you or the ones who will only be there when they need something. I was devastated when I lost a friendship I had for many years. But I know as painful as it was God knew they were not good for me to have in my life. I miss that friend at times but honestly have pushed closer to God than ever before. I was going to that friend with issues I had and struggles in my life instead of going to the Lord for help. As I look back I think I may of even been a burden to her with ALL the issues I was going through. Sometimes you have to go through a box of crayons to make sure that color is RIGHT for you. If not it cannot be erased as crayons cannot but it can be changed into another color and with God and your true friends we hope to be a rainbow for you. A promise from God that there is more than this life.

Laura Archer said...

I'm praying for you! I know God will lead you through this. Just like everyone has said, you must be doing something great because satan is really trying to get at you! Just know you have lots of support and prayer....love you, girl!

Minnie said...

You know for a fact that I totally relate to this. I'm praying for you my sweet friend!

XXOO ~ Min

Kathy Allen said...

Mandi I know my comments may or may not help but I can say the following. When we are attacked by an illness or virus, what does the doctor say?? The doctor is the authority at the time and he will say rest and fluids. May the peace of God that passes all understanding-you know the rest of it....that would be the rest you need...The doctor would also recommend fluids....the living waters to quench and heal you..what are the living waters??...and some type of medicine-tylenol??? Would the medicine be laughter or would it be nourishment from His word. When you are ill you have to rest and let others do for you.....let God and the people who love you do for you...let us bring you to the Father for the healing that is yours. You need to rest in Him...you are trying to figure out too much for yourself and do too much for yourself. CAST YOUR CARES ON HIM FOR HE CARES FOR YOU. Really look at this word Mandi. I also can say that when we are going from point A to point B there are several ways to go. The most direct, the most scenic and the fastest. You may or may not know what I am talking about but God wants you to take the scenic route today. Look around you and notice the things that He has placed in your path. You will get to point B...that is for sure but today you need to take the scenic route....not the fastest..the most direct may not be the fastest either. One more thing....when God does something big and I mean big...everywhere in the word the person involved or God steps back and looks at the situation before acting....step back on His word and look at what is ahead and let Him take you to the next step. I hope this makes sense for something...I need another kleenex box but I have a deep burden for you Mandi....I pray for you when you think no one is. He sees you and He knows your heart and He sees your tears. He knows what you need. Just rest in Him...Let Him heal the virus and follow the Doctor's orders. I love you.

Karen Pierce said...

Well, it sounds to me like the dross is coming to the top. The chaff is being blown away. It's purging. When you purge you are sick. When it's over you feel better and you know why? Toxins and poisons are coming out of you -- cleansing you. That's exactly what is going on with you. Toxins and poisons are coming out. Now, it's up to you to keep them out. You are spiritually purging. It will not be the last time. Remember, Paul said "I die daily". You are dying to Christ. This is a good thing that is happening to you. Get it all out. I love you. Mom

Karen Pierce also said...

I posted my previous comment earlier this morning. But, while reading today in Proverbs 25:4, I read "Take away the dross from the silver, and there shall come forth a vessel for the finer."

Carrie said...

Wow! Amanda, you are so blessed to have all of these women pouring out God's words onto you.

What can I add to this? You know I love you and I am praying for you....


kathy a said...

Another thing to mention. Sorry for taking up space....
remember not to give the enemy credit for a work of God. God never gives us more than we can bear but sometimes we give ourselves things....Just because we are getting some things that don't feel good.....it doesn't mean it is the enemy. I hope that makes sense. God can make us uncomfortable because He needs to remind us that we need HIM. Josiah needs guidance and he will look for that from you forever...you both will always have the understanding that you are the Mom...when he strays or acts up-he knows he is in trouble but he knows you are the Mom and you love him no matter what. You may be angry with each other but he knows you love him and the anger will be gone when you both understand the event that caused the anger in the first place. Understand your place and understand God's place. I am not saying you did anything wrong....it is just to explain something that is hard on a computer. You are doing a good thing Mandi. You have identified a need for cleansing...a need for healing and knowing that something doesn't feel right. The Holy Spirit is ministering to you now and it surrounds you as you sleep and ministers to you....cleansing and healing. God is so proud of you. You are a precious sight to God. You are His blood and His child. He loves your voice, your smile and calls you by name. This is only temporary so be encouraged today.

Christy said...

Man, I don't even know if there is anything more to be said. I have read more scripture and heard more of Gods word right here on these comment posts than some people get in a whole week. Of course it is simply because they choose that! I don't have all the right words I am sure but I just want to praise the Lord in spite of the battle... it seems the war is raging but in the middle of the conflict I can see God moving. It is everywhere -- so many blogs I have read people are dealing with hurt, wounds, change, fear, confusion, depression, defeat, worry -- thank God He promised he would never leave us or forsake us. I find sweet peace in knowing He has allowed these things to happen and if for no other reason to bring Him glory. He knows the reason for what we face and He already knows the outcome! I just want to take a moment to say thank you Amanda for all you have said and done for each of us. It seems your facing things right now and I believe it is because you have poured yourself out into so many lives. Count it an honor the devil is on your back (it doesn't feel good I know) your a threat to him! It goes to show just what God is doing thru YOU! You are awesome! Thank you for being a friend to me (even if only over email) when I have needed it. I mean it when I say I am so blessed because of you my friend.. your in my prayers!

Gwen said...


I'm sorry I didn't see your previous post asking for prayers until now. I certainly will add you to my prayers. You have given me so much strength and encouragement. You absolutely have no idea how you have affected my life. I know it seems strange because we have never met but it is the truth. You know some of the things I'm going through and when times get rough(as they do often) I recite your words that you wrote to me. One thing that comes to mind is when you wrote, "keep crying out to the Lord and he will meet you exactly where you are." Many many of your words have stuck right to my heart. I'm saying all of this because I want you to know how special you are. It's amazing how you touch lives through your blog. If I can repay you at all by saying a simple prayer for you since that is all I can really offer I am glad to do it.

Take care of yourself and remember God Loves You! You are doing amazing things for him! I'm blessed to have found you! My prayers are with you!

Anonymous said...

Hey there -

All I can say as I read this is - I need your blogs - I do - They inspire me and elp me in my walk - but your first priority is you - Remember the First rule - Take care of your self so you can help take care of others! If you need to take a break and seek God during this time - you will be missed but I am SURE you would come out on the other side with a great revelation to share with us all.

Hope things are better soon!
(and please excuse my mispelled words)

Nancy ;o))

Amanda said...

Thank you all so much. Your words amaze me and I don't even know what to begin to say. I feel refreshed and loved. Thank you. Y'all will have to check out my mom's blog.