I haven't smelled a new car in a long time. But now I can because the Lord blessed us with a new vehicle that we needed. Not only does it have that wonderful new car smell but it is the color I wanted and chose. Never have I been given the choice to choose the color!
I never imagined I would ever hear the words, "What color do you want?"
Choosing a color was actually kind of difficult. I have never been able to choose what color vehicle I wanted. In the past we have bought used and it works out to be the color that happens to be the best deal so I don't have a choice. But buying new allows you to have a choice. So, as I looked in the book at all the different colors, I was unsure as to what I liked best. Finally, the sales manager said "You tell us what color you like and we will drive it up here and let you take a look at it." Okay, that's easy enough! I don't think the guy counted on my next move. "Well, I like three colors." By the end of our chat inside the Ford House, each color I liked was driven to the front for me to view. Let me say, I felt powerful for sure! My husband was a little taken back by my commands/demands on this salesman but I knew I had to be SURE before we drove off that lot. The friendly salesman didn't seem bothered and allowed me to take the time I needed to choose the color. Suddenly, I decided! "Okay, I want the silver one!" Jeremy loved the silver, the salesman said he thought it was a good color, so I agreed. Then, it hit me as I looked out the window at the other colors that I didn't want silver! "I don't want the silver." Annoyed, my husband glares at me and the salesman says, "Okay, what do you want?" I then told the two that I would be back in a moment. I knew I had to go outside and really check those colors out. Then it happened, I made my final decision and there was no way I was changing my mind. "Pueblo Gold Metallic, that's the color I want." And that's the color I got.
At times I am overwhelmed with the things in my life that need to change. Some things never seem to really go away completely but some things need to. There are attitudes I struggle with, mainly about myself. I get frustrated easily, I get stressed easily, I get my feelings hurt way too easily and I worry about what others think way too much! I know I'm getting better. I know I'm not where I was a few months ago or even weeks ago. God is constantly shaping me.
Days come where I feel I know what I want and I know what I have to do to get there. Then those days are almost always followed by days that throw me off the path I was on prior to the bad day. Up and down, down and up. It seems I can't find stable ground. One minute my marriage is great, the next minute I am struggling beyond measure. One minute, I love those in my life that hurt me. I am able to look beyond things they have done, things they have said and love them anyway. Other days, I want to burn the bridge, blow it up with dynamite and never go back to a place where I can be hurt again.
My struggles throw me off and confuse me. Then I wonder, "Will I ever get this Lord? Will I ever be done with all of this junk in my life? Will I ever really be sure of who I am?" Do I really know who I am in Christ? Am I truly seeking His approval or others? Do I really know what color I want?
The past week and a half has consisted of me being confused, me being angry, me being sad and me being in a full blown funk! Honestly, I am still feeling like I am in it. I am irritated and bothered. I am just plain yucky. It's like a virus has come in and hit my spiritual health. And you know you the only thing that will cure a virus is time. So, I have continued reading the Word and continued praying. I have tried hard to push through it but I still feel like I am unsure of so many things right now. I am not unsure of God, just unsure of what He is wanting me to do right now in many areas.
As soon as I thank I have it figured out, I don't! Even now as I type this blog, I wonder how on earth any of you can relate to this.
I wonder if I should even be writing. I wonder what in the heck is going on with me. I'm not pregnant (usually in a bad mood for no apparent reason), I'm not experiencing the monthly curse (usually mad), I just feel so bothered. As I looked through the book at the dealership of all the different colors to choose from for my new vehicle, I was overwhelmed. I had to see the actual color in person, not in a book. Otherwise, there was no possible way I knew what color I wanted. I had to touch it, I had to see it! I had to walk away from the vehicle to see how the color looked from a distance.
Well, it seems that God is allowing me to experience the same thing with my life. I am seeing things I don't like. I am feeling things that need to change. I am coming face to face with the colors in my life.
I see them from a distance and I see what I like and what I don't like. The only way for me to have the best is to get rid of the worst. Before I can have what God desires to give me, some things have to be in order. So, I ask you my blovel readers, to pray that I get this! Pray that I will begin choosing the best colors for my life. For God has given me a choice, I must choose.
Finish your outdoor work and get your fields ready; after that, build your house.