Friday, August 25, 2006

I am victorious!

As shocking as yesterday's post may have been to some of you, the responses would probably shock you more. Emails have come that have been instantly deleted and then blocked. Thank God these people do not have my phone number! I have even been told that I am an ungodly woman because of some of the struggles I have mentioned and me sharing that I like to have a glass of wine or margarita has really only made the opinions more harsh. But, through this I have realized that there are so many of you out there like me. Yes the confrontational emails have come my way but I have not read them. However I have received many more emails telling me how much they appreciate me and how they are encouraged by me. I have never thought for one second that everyone would like me or agree with me. That's the beauty of blogging. There is a blog I read from time to time that has viewpoints I completely disagree with and sometimes I leave comments. But I am careful with my words and I make sure the person knows that I still appreciate them and their point of view.

As women we are all so different. Our pasts are different, our experiences, our hopes and dreams. Some of us will connect and have many things to talk about because we feel an instant common bond. In the last month I have become very close to a few blogging friends. We have had bible discussions (we did not always agree on), we have had child raising discussions, marriage discussions or just exchanges childhood stories. We have found a foundation and began to build something on it. There is a bit of a safety net with friends on the internet. I am sure if we all lived by one another the boundaries would be different but since our relationship is on the phone and via email, we get along quite well and both parties feel pretty safe. It's nice too. It's nice to be real and completely transparent with who you are. I think sometimes it is hard for us as women to take a risk and be real among our friends. But when one of us decide to take that risk, it teaches everyone else that it's okay and SAFE to do the same. Many of us wear masks in our relationships and I try really hard not to. So instead of writing all of the things that God is showing me in a journal, I write them on my blog. It's freeing in a way. It holds me accountable! I am naked before a lot of people, I am naked before all of YOU. In return I have women email me and tell me something they are dealing with that they do not even feel comfortable telling their own friends. I love that! I love that God can use my pain or my mistakes to bring freedom to others. Some of the things I write about have made others feel uncomfortable. They tell me that they do not have any marriage troubles, they grew up in a good home, no troubles as a child and they don't really have any troubles now. I think that is pretty awesome and I applaud anyone for being able to live such a pain free life. But that's why this blog may not be for them. I would think if you can't relate to anything I am saying, you would move on. I am praying that yesterday's post will send some of my readers in another direction.

I explained in the beginning of this post that I have deleted many emails after reading the first line. Some emails have said that they look at me as a "hurting" woman. Well, this statement can't be further form the truth. I am a VICTORIOUS woman! I am a woman that has been hurt and I will continue to be hurt from time to time. Life isn't perfect. But my writing has been misconstrued and it leads me to believe that I don't have "readers", I have "skimmers". When I write about difficult subjects, I always, always, always, always end it in a prayer or with some sort of resolution. Or maybe the next day I share how God helped me through that. But many people have obviously not seen that. When I write about my childhood, I am told how bad I need counseling. Well, I am not a woman that walks around the house crying every single day over my childhood but I talk about it because I feel freedom in doing so. I have been through counseling, I have also been through a four month counseling program created by Dr. Phil. Through the counseling I learned to not be ashamed of my story. I am PROUD of my timeline! That timeline has given me the most incredible relationship with the Lord. I know my Savior cares for me and my pain has given me a faith beyond measure. I would not trade anything for what I have now. If me being able to talk about difficult things makes you feel uncomfortable, then I pray you will move on. This blog is not for you. Whether or not I have deleted your comment or your email, I don't really have a fight for you anymore. I have no words to respond with on email so please don't send them anymore. I am a Godly woman, I know that, my family and friends know that but most importantly my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ knows that. For Christ is the one I long to please!

Some women don't want to say this or admit it. But I will. There is a breakdown in women's relationships. We tear one another down. We give unsolicited advice, our opinions and say a lot of things to one another that are not well thought out or prayed over. Our words are loose! Our words can really hurt and destroy. We serve in our church, we sing in the choir, we take care of the babies in the nursery, we blog and post things about Jesus but our words are disgusting. I am guilty, you are guilty, women are guilty of being harsh to one another. It's called judgment! In my home we do Santa Clause and my kids dress up for Halloween. Some of you disagree and would judge me based on that. I would judge you based on the fact that you don't. You get my point? This is what women do. Don't say you don't, you do. When my third child is born, I will try to breastfeed maybe or maybe I will do formula. I don't know but I am praying about it. And I buy babyfood at the store! The thought of making it sends me into convulsion! When it comes to schooling for my children, I lean towards public right now. I am two years away but I do not see myself doing homeschool. But if you do, I honestly think you are amazing. Maybe one of you will be the one to show me it is a real option for me. I don't see me changing my mind but I am not there yet, who knows! But this is me. This is who Amanda is! I am going to continue to try everyday to be the woman God created me to be. Some will like it, some will hate, some will love it, some will even be inspired by it. I am flawed, you are flawed, we are all flawed. But I pray that as Christian women, we can allow the Lord to use blogging as a tool to unite us, instead of tear us apart. What's happened on my blog is only one instance. I came across two women yesterday that shut down their blog because of mean spirited comments. From this point on I am going to pray harder than I ever have before I write things on this blog. We have to realize that God has given us a huge responsibility with our blogs. You may not like an author, a Pastor or you may think mega churches are horrible (I have read this). One of my dear friends was saved in a mega church, so was her little boy AND I went to a mega church for four years and loved it! I even posted something about a contestant on American Idol only to feel convicted later. What if that person googled her name? How would she feel after reading such harsh criticism? That's another blog I deleted. I see this happening, I read it. The blogging world has only made me realize how much more of a problem there is.

I pray that the Lord will reveal my heart to anyone questioning. I know He will fight for me, He always has. But what I have experienced over the last few months has really made me sad. If it means I turn my comments off and keep people from responding for a while, I will. You don't have to agree and I am going to be okay with that. Regardless, I am a victorious woman in Christ. So get ready, I have much more to share about life and what God is teaching me!

(Since I do not use bloglines, I did not know that every single time I add to or edit after writing something, that it would show up in bloglines again. SORRY! So if I am blessed enough to be a part of your bloglines, THANK YOU and please forgive me for editing and adding after I have posted! I don't see me changing this bad habit. :) )