Reclaiming my blog

My inbox is being flooded with questions? "Where is your last post? Did you delete it? Did I say something to offend you in my comments? Are you okay?" I couldn't believe it! Honestly I did not realize that I had that many people "concerned" with me or my blog. It's nice to know that people care but at the same time it's difficult knowing that so many come to my blog wanting to know what I have to say next. While my comments may not be huge in numbers, my inbox for email tends to be quite full. Many of you feel much more safe with emailing your comments then posting them in the comment section. I understand why. So something I have had to work on in my life is to not take things personal. After reading this post, you may be tempted to think I am talking about you. You may be tempted to email me and ask if I am talking about you. You may be tempted to take it personal. Please don't. Please know my heart and please know that I have prayed about my words regarding this post and my heart longs to please God. Unfortunately I am not always able to please everyone else. But, I am learning that's a good thing!

When I was nineteen years old I began writing devotions. After writing them, I would send them out on email. I have a binded homemade book that a friend sent me a few years ago that was full of my devotions. She spent a lot of time putting my devotions together and then made a beautiful book full of all of my devotions and sent it to me on my birthday. It was priceless! God speaks to me in incredible ways that I can truly take hold of. When he does, I like to write it out. Call them sermonettes, object lessons or whatever but it's stuff that the Lord gives me and I like to share. So last year I discovered blogging. I knew one person that had a blog. I decided after reading her's a few times that I wanted a blog of my own to write devotions. I had no idea that strangers would read my blog. I did it so my friends and family could read what I was writing. That's what I did it for! When total strangers began coming to my blog, I was excited. My knowledge of the internet or blogs was minimal. I did not even realize how people were finding my blog. It became much more fun! I was now going to blogs, leaving comments and meeting women all over the world. There was something wonderful about blogging for me. As a stay at home mom in a new community, I was lonely. This helped and brought new joy to my days. That is how I started blogging. I love to write, I love it! I don't consider myself to be a great writer and that's not really my purpose. But one thing I do want to be is an anointed writer. I feel called to minister to women and I am passionate about doing so. This blog has helped me to be able to do that and it has helped me find healing in my own life.

So it's been over a year since I started blogging. My first blog no one really came to. It was a site I had to pay for. Then I learned that blogger was free so I switched. That's when I discovered a whole new world. I was shocked! I had no idea that there were particular days of the week that women wrote about recipes, cleaning tips, or posted photos. I was totally unaware of this world I stumbled across. I have never participated in any of those daily or weekly writings on my blog but I have read many of yours and I enjoy it. I don't have anything against it, I just don't choose to do it. My purpose for blogging is different and that's okay. Right? I am often tagged to participate in memes and before blogging I did not even know what that word meant. So I have done one meme in the life of this blog, one. Again I don't have a problem with reading memes, I just don't care to do them. Then I discovered blogging awards. I was shocked! You mean people are being recognized for their blog and receiving awards to display on their site?? Wow. (If I sound bitter about blogging awards, I am not. I am sure I would post my award PROUDLY!) You can also add a site meter to your site to figure who is coming to your blog and where they are coming from? I can actually find out how many people have come to my blog in one day and if they came more than once. Amazing! There are endless things about this blogging world that I did not know about. Moms are obsessed with blogging. I have become obsessed with blogging. I love it! I love being able to write about what I want to write about and I can say whatever I want to say! This is my blog! Right?

But something started happening that I did not particularly care for. Women started giving me advice, giving me their opinions, even diagnosing me. It was gut wrenching! In my writing I have always been honest, open and completely transparent about my life, especially my childhood. Those of you that have read my blog must know by now that I am 100% aware of my crap, I write about it. I reveal to you my crap all the time! I have told you that when I am stressed I want to go buy a pack of cigarettes and that I have smoked many times when I am stressed! Don't worry, I don't now! I am pregnant! But over the past few days if I was not pregnant, I probably would have already smoke an entire pack. And here's the deal, I am not a smoker! You also know that I have stretch marks on my hips and that I have acne scars and that I have yelled at my three and 1/2 year old and that I have called my husband a name! YES! My marriage is not perfect. I have thrown shoes at my husband, I have thrown something into the wall and knocked a hole in the wall. I have cussed! I still struggle with saying DAMMIT! I AM NOT PERFECT and I have never tried to make any of you think I am. I watch too much TV, I like the Black Eyed Peas CD and YES, I do drink alcohol. But those of you that KNOW me, know that I feel convicted for watching all of the reality TV crap that I do and I don't listen to the Black Eyed Peas anymore and I am not at home drinking every single night or every single week. I try not to yell, I pray that God will break me of yelling and I have not thrown anything at my husband in a long time. AND I can't remember the last time I called him a name! But I did say a cuss word just this morning! My blog is a way I can share, journal and be real with the world. Some choose not to share the type of things I do but I feel called to do so. Many would say that If I am going to post the content I do, I should be able to take the feedback I get. But I feel a different way. This is my blog, it's not yours. If I want to write about your life, I will ask your permission. So as I write about mine, I have the right to filter the feedback I receive. I do have a teachable spirit, my family knows that, my friends know that and most of you know that. But I have chosen to reject some of the things that come my way through this blog. The Lord has given me discernment and I can tell the spirit behind some things said to me, I don't like it.

Some comments/emails are women that want to give advice. Even when I have asked at the bottom of my post to not give advice, it still comes. Only God knows the heart behind some of the comments I receive, I am not always sure of the motive. But one thing I am finding is that women have a hard time being "real". If you want to say, "I am praying for you." Great! If you want to say, "Hey, I have been there." GREAT! That's encouragement to me. PLEASE do not treat me like you have beaten all of your demons in life. None of us have. Pain is pain. You may not face the stress of approval addiction or codependency like me. Yours may be jealousy, fear, infertility, weight troubles, marriage troubles, child troubles, grief, depression, anorexia or panic attacks. We all have battles ladies and none of us have it all figured out. We can find freedom, rest and hope and healing from Jesus Christ but we will NEVER be complete until we bow at his feet! Our Lord will do whatever He has to do to remind us that WE NEED A SAVIOR. That;s what happen to me this week. The conflict that came up in my life was a result of me needing a reminder. I needed to be reminded that I am still on a journey and I still need lots of help. Counseling? Maybe so. Prayer? Of course. But through my trial, God showed me that I was not prepared for the conflict that came my way. I had neglected His word, I had not been reading it. My battle was lost because I had nothing to fight with! My mom tells me all the time, "You can't go into battle without your sword!" That's what my conflict taught me and I had a part two planned for the blog I had posted but I deleted the blog.

I deleted the post because my point to the particular post was lost. People came to my blog and to my inbox with their own agenda. An agenda to tell me that I need help and they didn't. There was a lack of humility, a lack of love, a lack of true concern. It hurt me. It made me second guess myself and it invaded my space. So today I have to draw a line in the sand and tell you that I will not allow my boundaries to be crossed anymore. If you comment in my blog with something that does not flow within the vein I am writing in, it will be deleted. If you comment with something that has nothing to do with my post, it will be deleted. If you comment with your own agenda, it will be deleted. If you try to diagnose me, it will be deleted. If you correct my grammar, it will be deleted. Often I will have comments based on comments of others, I do not want this happening. I do not want my comment section turned into a chat room on how to counsel Amanda with her troubles. When I write, it is raw, it is my stuff and I own it, so please don't try to take it away from me and make yourself look good. Those are the boundaries. If you do not wish to abide by these, do not read my blog anymore.

The enemy is real. He is alive and kickin'!Blogging is just another area where he would like to take control. I will not let that happen. It's time for me to walk to the enemy's camp and take back many things he has tried to steal from me this week. My blog is the first thing I am taking back!

Since I am aware of how God is constantly molding me, I have to ask myself a very important question. As I ask myself this, I take another risk of my problems being answered by some of my readers. Hopefully after this post, that will not happen but here it goes! Why have I let this blogging thing bother me? Why have I let some of your comments hurt me? Once again, I am on a journey to figure that out but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let me be counseled by those I am in covenant with and let me be counseled by HIS word and by HIS spirit.