Fashion Statement

When I think about the title of my mom's blog, I think about how well it fits her. Anyone that knows my mom, knows she does not leave the house without making a fashion statement. The woman is put together! She is one classy chic, that's for sure! Sometimes people give me a hard time for getting dolled up just to go to the grocery store. Isn't that what Texas women do? Well I don't know about it being a Texas thing or not, but it's how my Mom raised me. If I am wearing sandals, my toes better have polish on them and if my nails are polished too, they better match my feet! And when in doubt, accessorize! My mom is the accessory QUEEN! If I am in need of jewelry (which I was for my 30th birthday cruise), I know just where to go. She taught me how to shave my legs, put on my makeup, fix my hair, pose for pictures and be a lady. She taught me how much fun it is being a woman and I love that about her! It's 100% her fault that I have as many shoes that I do. My poppy/step-dad and my husband give us a really hard time about our shoes. And MiMi's closet is heaven on earth for my little Ava Beth. She's not even two yet and she loves to play in MiMi's closet. Actually, I love to play in her closet too! This weekend I am having a garage sale and most of it is my Mom's stuff (I get to keep the money because I got it out of her house). There are a TON of shoes. Also I have quite a pile of shoes and purses too that I am putting in the garage sale. All week I have been making piles of what I will sell. Ava Beth has gone crazy playing in shoes, sun glasses and purses. It's made me so thankful for how my mother has taught me to be a lady and now Ava Beth is learning to do the same! We come from a long line of shoe lovin', God fearin' women!

In honor of my Mom, I wanted to give her blog a plug and encourage you to take the time to read her latest post. Not only does she make a fashion statement with her clothes, shoes and accessories but she does it with her amazing knowledge of God's Word. She has taught me how much I have to rely on His word and rely on it DAILY. So please go on over to Fashion Statement and love on her like you love on me!

Fashion Statement

MiMi is my grandmother, Amanda is my Mommy! Need I say more?

Do you need order in your home?

Lately I have had a lot of women ask me, "What do you do for a devotion time/quiet time daily? Do you have one? Do you think it is important to have one daily? How do you find the time?" I honestly feel like a giddy school girl when someone emails me questions like this. To think that God has put me on someone's radar screen and that they feel comfortable asking me for spiritual advice or wisdom really blows me away! I feel so blessed, so honored and amazed that the emails come to my inbox daily. Thank you Lord! Thank you for using me. I am a huge testimony that God can use imperfect people. In fact, that's the kind of men and women He longs to use.

Let's go back to the question/questions I am emailed a lot. "What do you do for a devotion time/quiet time daily? Do you have one? Do you think it is important to have one daily? How do you find the time?" I think a lot of women, including myself, put unrealistic expectations on ourselves. We have a list in our mind of things we need to do in a month, a week or even just a day. We may compare ourselves to other moms (a dangerous thing to do) and try to do things like them. The problem with that is, God did not create us to be someone else! Some moms homeschool, some don't. Some moms sit down and read books to their kids every single day or they may not allow television or sugar in their children's diet. When we compare ourselves to other women, we will always feel like we have failed. At times I find myself wanting to be the best mother, wife, cook, decorator, fashion expert and bible reading machine there is. But how exhausting is that? When Josiah gets to kindergarten, there will probably be a mom that can make better cupcakes than me! Perish the thought! There may be a better "Room Mom" than me. I pray even now that God will not allow me to get caught up in things like that. It may sound silly, but many moms do. We put so much of our security in this role called "Mom" that we don't even let ourselves begin to think about failing. We do things like make schedules and post them on our refrigerator. I had one once, but I took it down. I am not saying schedules are bad but mine set me up for failure. Professional women have bad days at the office, they miss deadlines, they make a mistake, they are late for a meeting or they may even get called into the bosses office. What about us Moms? Are we not allowed the same kind of day? It's okay for your child to have a day of too much TV. It happens! It's okay if you miss a storytime, a play group or a devotion time with your kids. If you yell or do something that hurts their feelings, it's okay. Your kids will be okay! I am not saying we shouldn't work on these things, we should. But the very fact that you are home with them every single day fulfills a need in their life that no one else can fill. And if we put so much pressure on ourselves as Mom's, you can bet it will spill over into our spiritual life. We do the same thing in our relationship sometimes with the Lord. If we can't read our Bibles daily, if we can't have a prayer time, then we get down on ourselves OR we just choose to not do it because we don't want to feel guilty.

Do I have a daily quite time? I try with every ounce of my being to do so. I do not do it out of guilt or obligation. I do it because I know how much I need that time with my Lord. But here's the deal. My time with Him has changed over the last six months because I realized the pressure I was putting on myself. We have grown up hearing about a "quiet time". We have this idea in our minds that we have to pray for this amount of time or read for this amount of time. That is a dangerous mindset because it's overwhelming, it's a big expectation to put on ourselves. God is not mad when we don't do this. But then there is the opposite side to that. Attending church, having a weekly bible study or home group, is not your personal time with the Lord. How can you possibly win others to the Lord without reading His word? How can you fall in love with him more and more without studying His promises? How can you fight battles without memorizing and meditating on his scriptures? How can you be the best Wife and Mother He has called you to be without eating the bread He gives through the Bible? You can't! You can't soak up everything from others! A bible study with your friends cannot take the place of personal time with him! Church should only help us, it's not there to be our everything spiritually. As women our mindset has to change when it comes to being Godly women. The way we have tried to do it, doesn't work. Something new has to happen.

A few nights ago I watched Beth Moore on the James Robinson show preach a powerful messaged. She didn't speak, the woman preached! As I listened to her, I was in complete and total shock of how much that woman knew the Word of God. She didn't get there over night. It's like I said in yesterday's post, the Proverbs 31 woman had a lifetime to leave the legacy she did. She did not live that life in one day, it was her whole life! Beth Moore has had years of studying His Word, it did not happen overnight. Sunday morning I listened to Joyce Meyer. Another woman that is FILLED with God's Word. Saturday I listened to Lucy Swindoll, Patsy Clairmont, Sheila Walsh, Nicole Johnson, Thelma Wells (my favorite) and many more speak about the things God has done in their life. All of these women spoke of God's Word like it TRULY meant something to them. As Godly women, isn't that what we should strive for? Isn't that what we should work hard at knowing? God's Word?! It's better than any novel, any devotion, any book! It gives us life! And I need it! Oh how I need it!

So this is what I do. Right now I have COMMITTED to reading one chapter a day of a particular book. I also read Proverbs every day too. I try to do it in the morning but sometimes one of the kids wakes up before me. I try to do it during nap time but sometimes I have something else I am doing. I really try to make that time sacred but it doesn't always happen that way. I may have to read in the bathroom while using the restroom or taking a bath. I may have to do it when everyone is asleep. But I do it! When I make it a part of my day, it changes me. Today I started reading the book of Genesis with my best friend and with a lady who reads my blog. We don't see each other when we read, we don't do a bible study to go along with it. We call each other or email each other to communicate that we have read. It's nice to have accountability. As I read, I pray for these women and I pray that God will give us revelation as we read His word. It's powerful! It's amazing the things God teaches me. Also, it helps my flesh come under submission. I would much rather walk in the spirit than walk in the flesh. How about you?

Think about this. If you had a problem or a need that you needed to share with someone, would you want to share it with a woman that his been in God's Word or a woman that has been buried in a Nicolas Sparks book? Seriously. What is coming out of our mouths? What do our words say about who we are as women? As stay at home moms or wives, we have a responsibility and unless you are being fed by the Word of God, you can't expect your home, your children, your marriage, your relationships or even your self esteem to be in order. We have to get our priorities straight and everything else will line up. Everything else will have order! It will not happen overnight, it can't. In the first chapter of Genesis, everything took time. God didn't create EVERYTHING in one day. Each day was something new. He took time to plan it out. The same goes for our life. Each day is something new. It can't happen all at once, not even God works that way. While I would love to have the wisdom that Beth and Joyce, I realize it will take time to get there. But why not start now? Why not try to be all that God wants me to be now? Why not start today? When I get too busy, when my Bible needs dusting, may I start over!

One more thing. (I know this is long! Aren't all of my posts?!) Thelma Wells, one of the speakers at Women of Faith, talked about a woman and her cell phone. It was comical but so true. If we leave our cell phone at home, we turn around and drive back to get it. If we can't find it, we freak out! So we wear it on our hips, keep it in our purse and we never go ANYWHERE without it. Thelma said, "What if we treated our Bibles like we treat our cell phones? What if we wore it on our hips, carried it in our purses or drove home to get it when it was forgotten? We would never find dust on our cell phones! And we probably read more text messages in the cell phone than we do in our Bibles!"

That got me thinking and I just want to encourage all of you to get out that Word and read it as MUCH as you can! It's worth it! You need it! You will be amazed at how one chapter a day can change your life. I started with Genesis, chapter one today. There is a lot of meat in Genesis. We like to talk to our grandparents about our heritage and where we came from, well Genesis does kind of the same. So If you want to go back with me and read about the beginning, join in! I just started today! His Word will change you, His Word will bring victory, His Word will bring life! Do this and watch how things come together. Make this a priority and everything else will fall into place. This is the only thing that will bring order to your life.

Feeling good about me

Many of you are asking, "How was Women of Faith?" Well, it was wonderful. While I was there, I kept asking the Lord to allow my spirit to soak up everything. I wanted to really "get" what I was supposed to "get". Yesterday was busy so I did not get a chance to think about all that the Lord showed me on Saturday. But today I have spent some time thinking and praying about the things these mighty women of God shared on Saturday. Today I am processing so much from the conference. Once I do, I will share with you some amazing things that took place.

For the past several weeks I have really been struggling with keeping my house clean, laundry, menu planning, etc. Now I would never want to sound like a domestic goddess because I am not! Some may think so but I would never look at myself in that fashion because most days I feel like I am wingin' it! How about you? But lately I have really struggled. A wonderful blogging friend, Keri, really encouraged me last week with this post on her blog. It's always nice to be able to reach out and grab something and claim it for yourself and her post was something I really felt and needed. So I took it in and really began to pray about order in my home. As I read Proverbs 31, I am sometimes overwhelmed. I have to remind myself that this is a story of one woman's lifetime. It's not a story about one day in her life, it's her life. She had a lifetime to be the Proverbs 31 woman. Does that make sense? And though I would truly like to model her life, it's very difficult. Some days are tougher than others. But then I have good days when everything flows smoothly in my house. I spend time in God's Word, the kids behave, we sit at the table to work on writing Josiah's name, I color with Ava Beth, the laundry is folded instead of on the couch for days and dinner is waiting on my husband when he gets home. My kids are in order, I am in order, my home is in order and this really makes my marriage in order. This is what I need as a stay at home mom and wife. When things are not running right, when things are in total disarray, our home suffers.

It's a horrible feeling. I hate feeling like my mind is on an untuned radio station! My mind is full of nothing but static! As I sat at Women of Faith on Saturday, I began to think about how much I needed to get things in order in my house. So when I got home, that's what I did! Today I feel so much better. The laundry is almost done. My pantry is full, my menu is planned out for the entire week (SO NO EATING OUT AMANDA!), my bathrooms are CLEAN, my closet is clean, the kid's rooms are clean, everyone is dressed and out of pajamas before 10am, I have spent time with the Lord and I even made a homemade chocolate cream pie! Even though it's not Fall, it looks fallish outside today and I felt like baking. Plus I need to get my tail in gear for this coming up soon! I even made a homemade pie crust (which is very easy by the way) and the only thing left to do is the meringue (another very easy thing to make). Jeremy will be very happy to come home and find one of his favorite deserts sitting on the table!

And you know what? All of this stuff makes me feel good about who I am! This is the kind of day that truly fulfills me. This is when I feel like I am truly doing what God has called me to do. Sometimes it's really hard. I struggle with staying consistent. But today as the kids slept and I baked, I prayed that God would help me in this area. I want to be the best at taking care of my family. I want Josiah, Ava Beth and Ezekiel to come home from college at Thanksgiving with a car load of friends and hear the words, "My mom makes the best pies!" Or "I can't wait to have Mom's Thanksgiving dinner!" or "Mom makes Christmas so special!" I want to start perfecting my legacy! I need HIS help every single day. I cannot do it without him. I love being the heart of my home but I need to get better at keeping it in order. When my home is in order, I can be who God created me to be. Today, that's what I am doing and it feels good.

Proverbs 31:10-31

Sitting in a suite!

Two posts in the same day means one thing. MY KIDS ARE WITH GRANDPARENTS!!!! I felt like I needed to post something again. I can't even begin to explain how amazing God is. Seriously, He does supernatural things in my life all the time. When He shows up, I KNOW it's Him. I know when He is answering a prayer or blessing me with something exciting! Today has been another day when He has done just that.

About two months ago I started getting the urge to go to Women of Faith. I have never been but I have always listened to it live on a local radio station in Dallas. The only person I knew going to the conference this year was my friend Courtney who lives in Indiana and of course she attended the conference in Indiana last weekend. But two months ago I decided to ask God to make a way for me to go. My prayer was something like this. "Lord, I really would like to go to Women of Faith this year. Please put us at a church that has a group of women going or orchestrate something that would make a clear path for me to go. We don't really have the extra money right now for me to buy a ticket so please make a way." Yep, I was specific and I just plain and simple ask God to send me to Women of Faith this year.

This past week has been a bit of a beating for me. There have been moments of discouragement, confusion and me just being tired and worn out. I completely forgot that Women of Faith was in Dallas this weekend. It never crossed my mind. If I would have thought about it, I would have been disappointed to not be going. Every night this week I was supposed to be working on stuff for a garage sale at my house this weekend. But every single afternoon when my husband got home I told him that I just couldn't get it together. I kept suggesting we do our garage sale next weekend. He told me not to worry about pricing things yet, we would do it Friday night together (tonight) since the kids would be at his mom's. So we continued to plan for tomorrow. Despite the 100 degree weather, I was game for a garage sale. Last night while I was sitting in my bathtub reading my Bible, I had a sweet moment with the Lord. I love that I can talk to Him all anytime I want, I love that Jesus really is my friend. It's so incredible to think that I AM A FRIEND OF GOD! (Which is one of my favorite songs to sing!) But as I cried out to Him while trying to relax in the tub, I ask him once again for something very specific. "Lord, I am tired. I need a break. I need some encouragement, I need to be refreshed!"

I figured that my prayer would be answered by me having some alone time today while the kids spent the night with grandparents. That always revives me! But God had something different in mind. Right before the kids left, the phone rang. It was a number I did not recognize but I answered. It was my next door neighbor that I had at my old house. (We moved over a year ago from that house) That is a neat story in itself! She is one of the first women that I had the privilege of discipling. God did some amazing things in her life and we spent many hours praying together. Anyway I have not spoken with her in almost a year! I was surprised by her call but excited too. And then, this happened! "I have just been given two VIP tickets, plus a parking pass for Women of Faith this weekend. Not only are they VIP tickets, the seats are in the Mary Kay Suite. We would be in a suite with free food, free drinks and you would not have to pay a dime. As soon as I was given these tickets, I knew I wanted you to be the first one I asked to go. So can you go?"

Garage sale tomorrow? NO! I am going to WOMEN OF FAITH!!!!!!!!!!! You see God never does things half way either! Not only am I going, but I am sitting in a suite! My friend works at the corporate office for Mary Kay and today the Lord gave her favor because she got two tickets at the last minute. Then the Lord gave me favor because I have not talked to my friend in almost a year. She had no idea I had prayed that prayer, she had no idea that I even wanted to go but the Lord put ME on her heart! My kids are with grandparents, my husband is relieved that there is no garage sale tomorrow and I am BLESSED beyond measure! So Jeremy is going to take the boat out and go fishing, which will totally recharge him and I am going to Women of Faith and I am pretty sure I will feel refreshed when I come back home! GOD IS GOOD! GOD IS SO GOOD! He has made me giggle today. Thank you Lord!

I think now I will begin praying for Thanksgiving Day Dallas Cowboy Tickets (another dream of mine!). Just kidding! But seriously, never doubt my friend. He cares about every detail of your life and he LOVES to bless you! And you never know, you just might be sitting in a suite!

I am victorious!

As shocking as yesterday's post may have been to some of you, the responses would probably shock you more. Emails have come that have been instantly deleted and then blocked. Thank God these people do not have my phone number! I have even been told that I am an ungodly woman because of some of the struggles I have mentioned and me sharing that I like to have a glass of wine or margarita has really only made the opinions more harsh. But, through this I have realized that there are so many of you out there like me. Yes the confrontational emails have come my way but I have not read them. However I have received many more emails telling me how much they appreciate me and how they are encouraged by me. I have never thought for one second that everyone would like me or agree with me. That's the beauty of blogging. There is a blog I read from time to time that has viewpoints I completely disagree with and sometimes I leave comments. But I am careful with my words and I make sure the person knows that I still appreciate them and their point of view.

As women we are all so different. Our pasts are different, our experiences, our hopes and dreams. Some of us will connect and have many things to talk about because we feel an instant common bond. In the last month I have become very close to a few blogging friends. We have had bible discussions (we did not always agree on), we have had child raising discussions, marriage discussions or just exchanges childhood stories. We have found a foundation and began to build something on it. There is a bit of a safety net with friends on the internet. I am sure if we all lived by one another the boundaries would be different but since our relationship is on the phone and via email, we get along quite well and both parties feel pretty safe. It's nice too. It's nice to be real and completely transparent with who you are. I think sometimes it is hard for us as women to take a risk and be real among our friends. But when one of us decide to take that risk, it teaches everyone else that it's okay and SAFE to do the same. Many of us wear masks in our relationships and I try really hard not to. So instead of writing all of the things that God is showing me in a journal, I write them on my blog. It's freeing in a way. It holds me accountable! I am naked before a lot of people, I am naked before all of YOU. In return I have women email me and tell me something they are dealing with that they do not even feel comfortable telling their own friends. I love that! I love that God can use my pain or my mistakes to bring freedom to others. Some of the things I write about have made others feel uncomfortable. They tell me that they do not have any marriage troubles, they grew up in a good home, no troubles as a child and they don't really have any troubles now. I think that is pretty awesome and I applaud anyone for being able to live such a pain free life. But that's why this blog may not be for them. I would think if you can't relate to anything I am saying, you would move on. I am praying that yesterday's post will send some of my readers in another direction.

I explained in the beginning of this post that I have deleted many emails after reading the first line. Some emails have said that they look at me as a "hurting" woman. Well, this statement can't be further form the truth. I am a VICTORIOUS woman! I am a woman that has been hurt and I will continue to be hurt from time to time. Life isn't perfect. But my writing has been misconstrued and it leads me to believe that I don't have "readers", I have "skimmers". When I write about difficult subjects, I always, always, always, always end it in a prayer or with some sort of resolution. Or maybe the next day I share how God helped me through that. But many people have obviously not seen that. When I write about my childhood, I am told how bad I need counseling. Well, I am not a woman that walks around the house crying every single day over my childhood but I talk about it because I feel freedom in doing so. I have been through counseling, I have also been through a four month counseling program created by Dr. Phil. Through the counseling I learned to not be ashamed of my story. I am PROUD of my timeline! That timeline has given me the most incredible relationship with the Lord. I know my Savior cares for me and my pain has given me a faith beyond measure. I would not trade anything for what I have now. If me being able to talk about difficult things makes you feel uncomfortable, then I pray you will move on. This blog is not for you. Whether or not I have deleted your comment or your email, I don't really have a fight for you anymore. I have no words to respond with on email so please don't send them anymore. I am a Godly woman, I know that, my family and friends know that but most importantly my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ knows that. For Christ is the one I long to please!

Some women don't want to say this or admit it. But I will. There is a breakdown in women's relationships. We tear one another down. We give unsolicited advice, our opinions and say a lot of things to one another that are not well thought out or prayed over. Our words are loose! Our words can really hurt and destroy. We serve in our church, we sing in the choir, we take care of the babies in the nursery, we blog and post things about Jesus but our words are disgusting. I am guilty, you are guilty, women are guilty of being harsh to one another. It's called judgment! In my home we do Santa Clause and my kids dress up for Halloween. Some of you disagree and would judge me based on that. I would judge you based on the fact that you don't. You get my point? This is what women do. Don't say you don't, you do. When my third child is born, I will try to breastfeed maybe or maybe I will do formula. I don't know but I am praying about it. And I buy babyfood at the store! The thought of making it sends me into convulsion! When it comes to schooling for my children, I lean towards public right now. I am two years away but I do not see myself doing homeschool. But if you do, I honestly think you are amazing. Maybe one of you will be the one to show me it is a real option for me. I don't see me changing my mind but I am not there yet, who knows! But this is me. This is who Amanda is! I am going to continue to try everyday to be the woman God created me to be. Some will like it, some will hate, some will love it, some will even be inspired by it. I am flawed, you are flawed, we are all flawed. But I pray that as Christian women, we can allow the Lord to use blogging as a tool to unite us, instead of tear us apart. What's happened on my blog is only one instance. I came across two women yesterday that shut down their blog because of mean spirited comments. From this point on I am going to pray harder than I ever have before I write things on this blog. We have to realize that God has given us a huge responsibility with our blogs. You may not like an author, a Pastor or you may think mega churches are horrible (I have read this). One of my dear friends was saved in a mega church, so was her little boy AND I went to a mega church for four years and loved it! I even posted something about a contestant on American Idol only to feel convicted later. What if that person googled her name? How would she feel after reading such harsh criticism? That's another blog I deleted. I see this happening, I read it. The blogging world has only made me realize how much more of a problem there is.

I pray that the Lord will reveal my heart to anyone questioning. I know He will fight for me, He always has. But what I have experienced over the last few months has really made me sad. If it means I turn my comments off and keep people from responding for a while, I will. You don't have to agree and I am going to be okay with that. Regardless, I am a victorious woman in Christ. So get ready, I have much more to share about life and what God is teaching me!

(Since I do not use bloglines, I did not know that every single time I add to or edit after writing something, that it would show up in bloglines again. SORRY! So if I am blessed enough to be a part of your bloglines, THANK YOU and please forgive me for editing and adding after I have posted! I don't see me changing this bad habit. :) )

Reclaiming my blog

My inbox is being flooded with questions? "Where is your last post? Did you delete it? Did I say something to offend you in my comments? Are you okay?" I couldn't believe it! Honestly I did not realize that I had that many people "concerned" with me or my blog. It's nice to know that people care but at the same time it's difficult knowing that so many come to my blog wanting to know what I have to say next. While my comments may not be huge in numbers, my inbox for email tends to be quite full. Many of you feel much more safe with emailing your comments then posting them in the comment section. I understand why. So something I have had to work on in my life is to not take things personal. After reading this post, you may be tempted to think I am talking about you. You may be tempted to email me and ask if I am talking about you. You may be tempted to take it personal. Please don't. Please know my heart and please know that I have prayed about my words regarding this post and my heart longs to please God. Unfortunately I am not always able to please everyone else. But, I am learning that's a good thing!

When I was nineteen years old I began writing devotions. After writing them, I would send them out on email. I have a binded homemade book that a friend sent me a few years ago that was full of my devotions. She spent a lot of time putting my devotions together and then made a beautiful book full of all of my devotions and sent it to me on my birthday. It was priceless! God speaks to me in incredible ways that I can truly take hold of. When he does, I like to write it out. Call them sermonettes, object lessons or whatever but it's stuff that the Lord gives me and I like to share. So last year I discovered blogging. I knew one person that had a blog. I decided after reading her's a few times that I wanted a blog of my own to write devotions. I had no idea that strangers would read my blog. I did it so my friends and family could read what I was writing. That's what I did it for! When total strangers began coming to my blog, I was excited. My knowledge of the internet or blogs was minimal. I did not even realize how people were finding my blog. It became much more fun! I was now going to blogs, leaving comments and meeting women all over the world. There was something wonderful about blogging for me. As a stay at home mom in a new community, I was lonely. This helped and brought new joy to my days. That is how I started blogging. I love to write, I love it! I don't consider myself to be a great writer and that's not really my purpose. But one thing I do want to be is an anointed writer. I feel called to minister to women and I am passionate about doing so. This blog has helped me to be able to do that and it has helped me find healing in my own life.

So it's been over a year since I started blogging. My first blog no one really came to. It was a site I had to pay for. Then I learned that blogger was free so I switched. That's when I discovered a whole new world. I was shocked! I had no idea that there were particular days of the week that women wrote about recipes, cleaning tips, or posted photos. I was totally unaware of this world I stumbled across. I have never participated in any of those daily or weekly writings on my blog but I have read many of yours and I enjoy it. I don't have anything against it, I just don't choose to do it. My purpose for blogging is different and that's okay. Right? I am often tagged to participate in memes and before blogging I did not even know what that word meant. So I have done one meme in the life of this blog, one. Again I don't have a problem with reading memes, I just don't care to do them. Then I discovered blogging awards. I was shocked! You mean people are being recognized for their blog and receiving awards to display on their site?? Wow. (If I sound bitter about blogging awards, I am not. I am sure I would post my award PROUDLY!) You can also add a site meter to your site to figure who is coming to your blog and where they are coming from? I can actually find out how many people have come to my blog in one day and if they came more than once. Amazing! There are endless things about this blogging world that I did not know about. Moms are obsessed with blogging. I have become obsessed with blogging. I love it! I love being able to write about what I want to write about and I can say whatever I want to say! This is my blog! Right?

But something started happening that I did not particularly care for. Women started giving me advice, giving me their opinions, even diagnosing me. It was gut wrenching! In my writing I have always been honest, open and completely transparent about my life, especially my childhood. Those of you that have read my blog must know by now that I am 100% aware of my crap, I write about it. I reveal to you my crap all the time! I have told you that when I am stressed I want to go buy a pack of cigarettes and that I have smoked many times when I am stressed! Don't worry, I don't now! I am pregnant! But over the past few days if I was not pregnant, I probably would have already smoke an entire pack. And here's the deal, I am not a smoker! You also know that I have stretch marks on my hips and that I have acne scars and that I have yelled at my three and 1/2 year old and that I have called my husband a name! YES! My marriage is not perfect. I have thrown shoes at my husband, I have thrown something into the wall and knocked a hole in the wall. I have cussed! I still struggle with saying DAMMIT! I AM NOT PERFECT and I have never tried to make any of you think I am. I watch too much TV, I like the Black Eyed Peas CD and YES, I do drink alcohol. But those of you that KNOW me, know that I feel convicted for watching all of the reality TV crap that I do and I don't listen to the Black Eyed Peas anymore and I am not at home drinking every single night or every single week. I try not to yell, I pray that God will break me of yelling and I have not thrown anything at my husband in a long time. AND I can't remember the last time I called him a name! But I did say a cuss word just this morning! My blog is a way I can share, journal and be real with the world. Some choose not to share the type of things I do but I feel called to do so. Many would say that If I am going to post the content I do, I should be able to take the feedback I get. But I feel a different way. This is my blog, it's not yours. If I want to write about your life, I will ask your permission. So as I write about mine, I have the right to filter the feedback I receive. I do have a teachable spirit, my family knows that, my friends know that and most of you know that. But I have chosen to reject some of the things that come my way through this blog. The Lord has given me discernment and I can tell the spirit behind some things said to me, I don't like it.

Some comments/emails are women that want to give advice. Even when I have asked at the bottom of my post to not give advice, it still comes. Only God knows the heart behind some of the comments I receive, I am not always sure of the motive. But one thing I am finding is that women have a hard time being "real". If you want to say, "I am praying for you." Great! If you want to say, "Hey, I have been there." GREAT! That's encouragement to me. PLEASE do not treat me like you have beaten all of your demons in life. None of us have. Pain is pain. You may not face the stress of approval addiction or codependency like me. Yours may be jealousy, fear, infertility, weight troubles, marriage troubles, child troubles, grief, depression, anorexia or panic attacks. We all have battles ladies and none of us have it all figured out. We can find freedom, rest and hope and healing from Jesus Christ but we will NEVER be complete until we bow at his feet! Our Lord will do whatever He has to do to remind us that WE NEED A SAVIOR. That;s what happen to me this week. The conflict that came up in my life was a result of me needing a reminder. I needed to be reminded that I am still on a journey and I still need lots of help. Counseling? Maybe so. Prayer? Of course. But through my trial, God showed me that I was not prepared for the conflict that came my way. I had neglected His word, I had not been reading it. My battle was lost because I had nothing to fight with! My mom tells me all the time, "You can't go into battle without your sword!" That's what my conflict taught me and I had a part two planned for the blog I had posted but I deleted the blog.

I deleted the post because my point to the particular post was lost. People came to my blog and to my inbox with their own agenda. An agenda to tell me that I need help and they didn't. There was a lack of humility, a lack of love, a lack of true concern. It hurt me. It made me second guess myself and it invaded my space. So today I have to draw a line in the sand and tell you that I will not allow my boundaries to be crossed anymore. If you comment in my blog with something that does not flow within the vein I am writing in, it will be deleted. If you comment with something that has nothing to do with my post, it will be deleted. If you comment with your own agenda, it will be deleted. If you try to diagnose me, it will be deleted. If you correct my grammar, it will be deleted. Often I will have comments based on comments of others, I do not want this happening. I do not want my comment section turned into a chat room on how to counsel Amanda with her troubles. When I write, it is raw, it is my stuff and I own it, so please don't try to take it away from me and make yourself look good. Those are the boundaries. If you do not wish to abide by these, do not read my blog anymore.

The enemy is real. He is alive and kickin'!Blogging is just another area where he would like to take control. I will not let that happen. It's time for me to walk to the enemy's camp and take back many things he has tried to steal from me this week. My blog is the first thing I am taking back!

Since I am aware of how God is constantly molding me, I have to ask myself a very important question. As I ask myself this, I take another risk of my problems being answered by some of my readers. Hopefully after this post, that will not happen but here it goes! Why have I let this blogging thing bother me? Why have I let some of your comments hurt me? Once again, I am on a journey to figure that out but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let me be counseled by those I am in covenant with and let me be counseled by HIS word and by HIS spirit.

Happy Birthday Jeremy!

Today is Jeremy's 31st birthday. Last year we stayed at the Gaylord Texan for his 30th. This year is going to be a little less extravagant but fun too. Yesterday I made a birthday cake for him and tonight we are going to his parents house to celebrate with all of his family. I saw someone do this on their blog for a birthday so I thought I would copy and do the same. Here it goes!

31 Things I love about my husband!
(in no particular order)

1. He is a man's man. Hunter, fisherman, a total outdoorsman! I love that!

2. He loves sports but he is not the type of man that HAS to watch sports center! THANK YOU GOD! I could not handle that!

3. He can build anything! With all of the tools he has, there is nothing that man can't build!

4. He can fix ANYTHING! ANYTHING!

5. He brags constantly on my cooking/baking and brags to other people.

6. When I am singing somewhere, he gets nervous for me.

7. When we are out to dinner, he pretends like he is Rachel Ray on her $40 a day show. After he takes his first bite, he gives me the total run down on the food. This is HILARIOUS! (you would have to see her show. she is quite crazy over her bites of food)

8. He is always trying to come up with a name for our very own show on the Food Network. He says this is how we should be making money! I agree.

9. He is the MOST hands on Dad I have ever seen! He does not make me do everything. He actually gives the baths too!

10. He always notices my new outfits and shoes! Okay, maybe this is a bad thing. :)
He pays attention and I like that!

11. He tells me everything and I do the same with him. There is nothing we hide or keep from one another.

12. He is funny. You would not think this because he is shy. But he is the funniest person I know.

13. He changes more diapers than me when he is at home!

14. He is affectionate. I have to work on this one. He is the first one to hold hands. Always.

15. He is a man of integrity. He is respected at the city gates. My husband's reputation is GOLD.

16. He is a servant. He will help anyone and he would not want the credit.

17. He takes me fishing. When I catch more than him, he doesn't get mad. He's proud of me!

18. He does not gossip, he hates it. If he hears me saying something ugly about someone, I get in trouble!

19. He is kind and gentle. He would never be forceful or confrontational. Never!

20. Why did I wait until #20 to say this? HE IS HOT! Yes, that's right! My husband is HOT!

21. He has worked for UPS for almost 13 years. He is a very hard worker and loyal to the bone.

22. He is extremely stable. He has brought so much stability to my life and I needed that.

23. He is the best looking UPS man you have ever seen! I will promise that one!
People joke with me all the time and ask if he is on the UPS calendar. I always call him Mr. January! :)

24. He is dark, very tan all year around. I love this! Olive skin! My kids got his coloring too! Yeah!

25. He is in love with me! A friend of mine told me not too long ago that she could see how Jeremy worshipped the ground I walked on. That was an incredible compliment. But she was right. I know he is my biggest fan in life. He adores me.

26. He has a country boy accent, you know kind of like Matthew McConaughey. He grew up in a small, small town. I like that about him! You should hear him say "babe." That's what he has ALWAYS called me.

27. He reads his Bible every single day, without fail! He is always in the Word! He reads the Bible to the kids.

28. He is a country boy that loves sushi! Thank you Lord! That's what he gets for marrying a city girl!

29. He cleans! He is VERY clean! You should see his side of the closet! When he was a bachelor I discovered right away how clean he was. He wipes down the sink. No water drops in the sink!

30. He is an amazing Father! Amazing! He loves our babies with everything he has.
They adore him! When they hear that garage door go up every afternoon, they run to him! I mean RUN!

31. My husband loves the Lord. He is a Godly man. He prays for me and for our kids. I find so much strength in that.

Okay, this is hard because I have to stop. There is so much more I could write about my husband. Soooooo much more! I think we should all do this sometimes with our spouses. When you start writing all these things out, you realize how blessed you are. Our marriage is not perfect and I do get mad sometimes and want to ring his neck but Jeremy is my safe place. I know I am loved by him. I know I can trust him. I know that he will always protect me and take care of me. He works so hard to take care of his family and provide for us. There is NO ONE more blessed than me! :) That's how all wives should feel about their husbands. It's a journey at times but I am so, so, so thankful that God chose me to be Jeremy's wife.

Babe, I love you. You are truly my best friend. You are the most incredible father to our children. Your character has made me a better person. I am truly a better person because of you. I am so proud of you my love. Happy 31st Birthday!

Excited about church!

This morning I am excited about church! I can't believe I just typed that. If you were to read this, you would be surprised too. But we are going back to where our life as a couple began. This is the church where we met five and a half years ago and also the church where my husband was saved and baptized about eight years ago. It was a long thoughtful and prayerful process so explaining how we decided to go back and visit would take a while. But God has clearly orchestrated this day.

I am prayerful, I am hopeful. We need a home, we need a place our family can grow. Last time we were there, we were newlyweds. Now we have two kids and one on the way! A lot happens in five years! I have been up since early morning praying about today, praying that God would show us the way. Praying that my husband will have an open mind and heart. So if you are reading this before you head out for worship, pray for us.

Lord, we need your guidance. Shout in our ears, let your answer be clear! Thank you Lord for all that you are doing in our lives. We need you.

Ezekiel

The Book of Ezekiel has been a book in the Bible I have been studying for the past several weeks. Ezekiel is a man that fascinates me. I have grown up hearing his name in church and I have always known it was the name of a book in the Bible but until recently I never understood what this incredible man was all about. What was His purpose? What is he known for? So, I began to study.

When my husband was saved almost eight years ago, a Bible was given to him that I love to look at sometimes when I am studying specific things. I enjoy looking at different translations and study notes. This Bible is an Inspirational Study Bible by Max Lucado. Max Lucado helped me through some difficult years as a teenager. His books gave me so much hope in my walk with the Lord and I learned so many things about God's love for me. I enjoy his writing, it's easy to read, easy to understand and speaks to the heart. So this Bible I will go to from time to time because of the incredible descriptions he writes about each book in the Bible. What he says about Ezekiel really got me interested in reading the story.

"Out of the ruins of Jerusalem came a gutsy preacher named Ezekiel. He was among the Jews taken to Babylon after the fall of his country. He left behind his city. He left behind his temple. He left behind his home. But he didn't leave his faith. He announced it to everyone who would listen. For twenty-two years he paced the streets proclaiming both sides of the faith. The bad side? Turn or burn. Forgive me for being so direct but Ezekiel was direct. The good side? Turn and learn. God has a great plan for His people. A great city. Justice will reign and worship will be restored. Unlike Jerusalem. God's city is eternal. Who will be in God's city? Ezekiel answers that with the final words of the book-THE LORD IS THERE. Out of the ruins came Ezekiel. Out of the ruins came a promise. Out of the ruins came a new hope. Is your life in ruins? Look ahead to God's city: THE LORD IS THERE." -Max Lucado

There was a point in my life when I felt like my life was in ruins. I did not feel like there was any hope. How would I be able to grow up and have a normal life? How would I ever be a wife or a mother? If I did become a wife and mother, how would I be a good one? All I had ever known was pain, dysfunction, chaos, tragedy. Was it possible to have peace? Was it possible to live a normal life? For so long I heard the spirit of the Lord telling me he would bring me to the other side. I heard Him telling me that my childhood and my teenage years was NOT the final word. So I began to have hope. I began to feel and see that there was hope for my life! Today I am thirty years old. I am married and I have children. I am a wife and mom! And today I know that the Lord was there. THE LORD IS THERE. He brought me out of the ruins. When I felt like I was nothing but dried up bones, he gave me new life!

Ezekiel 37
The Valley of Dry Bones 1 The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. 2 He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. 3 He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know." 4 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! 5 This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath [a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.' " 7 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them. 9 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe into these slain, that they may live.' " 10 So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet a vast army. 11 Then he said to me: "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.' 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them: 'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.' "

As I read that passage, I can't help but to get chill bumps and tears in my eyes. What a mighty God we serve!! I can't help but to shout hallelujah for bringing me out of such a dry and hopeless land! For God spoke to MY bones and He has given me a brand new life. Through the pain, I found my strength! The pain enabled me to become so much stronger than I ever was! And what does the name Ezekiel mean? Ezekiel is Hebrew, "Whom God makes strong." What a name!

So today I would like to introduce you to my Ezekiel, our third child and second boy. Today we officially found out that we are having another boy! Ezekiel Walter. We have been praying that the Lord would give us the perfect name for our son or daughter and we knew that Ezekiel was the perfect choice for a boy. Actually we were never able to agree on a girl name, now I know why. Walter was my grandfather's name, my Mom's Dad. He died many years ago but he was a strong and loving man. I am so happy my son will carry his name on. But we will call our son Ezekiel and probably Zeke. Josiah ( aka Si Si or Siah), our oldest, has already been calling this baby, "baby Zeke". It's perfect! Today as I was reading about Ezekiel, I read the most incredible thing. "Ezekiel was born exactly at the time of the reform in the ritual introduced by Josiah." How perfect is that?! These brothers were meant to be!

I can't believe it! I am a mother of two boys and a girl! Ava Beth will be the reigning princess, no one can take her place. We will be officially out numbered by the males in this house! I think Ava Beth is going to love being in the middle of those brothers. Josiah and Ezekiel will take care of her and she will probably drive them crazy!

Here's a picture of me today. This is for you Barb!

Lord, please don't let me LOSE my mind today!

Update***OH MY GOSH! MY MOM JUST TOLD ME I SPELLED LOSE, LOOSE! ALL DAY IT WAS UP AND I LOOKED LIKE AND IDIOT! UGH!***

I hear screaming in Ava Beth's bedroom. Both of my kids are now crying, screaming and mad at each other. I knew that Josiah would soon run my way and tell me that his little sister had taken his train, his truck or something away from him. "Mommy, sissy just hit me and it hurt!" I looked at him and asked, "Josiah did you hit her first?" He answers, "Yes I did because she took my truck away." By this time Ava Beth has run in crying too. Well she didn't have tears in her eyes at all. I think she was just trying to get in on the action and play on my emotion a little. She put her arms around me and started hugging me and wouldn't let go. She KNEW she was in trouble! It was a moment all of us mothers have. It's the moment you want to laugh as you look at their cute little faces and say something close to this. "Josiah, Ava Beth, we do not hit when we are mad. We do not hit! Ava Beth, do not take your bothers toys away. Josiah you are old enough to come and tell me when she does something to be mean. You don't hit her and you especially do not come in her whining. I cannot hear you when you whine. Both of you change your attitude. Go play. This was your warning. Next time you will both go to timeout." Ava Beth is one and a half years old. Does she understand what I am saying? Well, I think she knows I mean business. But this little girl is always up to something. Josiah runs off and begins to play with his trains but Ava Beth stays behind. So I took this picture of her about one minute after she got in trouble. Sometimes I don't think she cares if she gets into trouble, I think she likes it. What is timeout for someone her age? Well since she is still in a crib, I put her in her crib for a couple of minutes and then go back and explain why she is in timeout. She may not understand everything I am saying, but soon she will.

This was not meant to be a parenting blog post. I am learning everyday how to be a parent. But, it was a moment for me that I realized how I have to parent and discipline consistently almost all day long, especially when they are so close in age. I get tired of being a referee. Sometimes I feel like I am going to loose my mind! But when they have faces like this, it's hard to stay frustrated. That was my blogging point. It's another fun day of parenting! :) Consistency, it's key to my parenting success! Oh and of course PRAYER too. "Lord, please don't let me lose my mind today."

Sleepy

Last night I was unable to sleep. Around midnight I finally fell asleep. At 1:45am, I was awake and I figured out what it was that had me feeling so restless. Worry. I was worrying so much that I could not sleep, I could not rest. It was more than worry, it was a state of being bothered, irritated and confused. There is nothing more irritating than tossing and turning in bed. Pregnancy does that to me a lot but not at four months! So I asked God to clearly show me all that was weighing on my mind. I knew some of what was bothering me but the Holy Spirit can always unravel things for me in a way I am unable to. Also the Lord brings comfort and solutions so I poured my heart out to Him. At 3am, I was awake again. Then at 5am, wide awake! I kept praying and began to focus on praying instead of focusing on trying to go to back to sleep. Well, I have been up ever since!

It's now about 12:45pm and I feel like I did when I was a teenager after attending an all night "Lock In" with my youth group. I hate this feeling! My kids finished lunch, now they are sleeping. It's my time to sleep too. But when I laid down, I could not rest. It's like my adrenaline is pumping or something. So since I like to ask God questions, I decided to ask him these! "Why am I feeling this way? What is wrong with me Lord? Is there someone I am supposed to be interceding for? Am I supposed to be praying?" I instantly felt like the Lord wanted me to open up His Word and read. So I did. This is what I read.

Psalm 16
1Keep me safe, O God,for I have come to you for refuge. 2I said to the LORD, "You are my Master! All the good things I have are from you." 3The godly people in the land are my true heroes!I take pleasure in them! 4Those who chase after other gods will be filled with sorrow.I will not take part in their sacrifices or even speak the names of their gods. 5LORD, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.You guard all that is mine. 6The land you have given me is a pleasant land.What a wonderful inheritance! 7 I will bless the LORD who guides me; even at night my heart instructs me. 8 I know the LORD is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. 9No wonder my heart is filled with joy, and my mouth[a] shouts his praises!My body rests in safety. 10For you will not leave my soul among the dead[b]or allow your godly one[c] to rot in the grave. 11You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.

I love reading Psalms and Proverbs and sometimes when I am not sure where He is directing me, I will start there and read the day that coincides with the current day of the month. I started this when I was thirteen years old and still do it at thirty years old. Today's Psalm was exactly what I needed. Last night, the Lord was instructing me. I understand it now. I can clearly see what He was trying to show me. Wow! I serve such a personal and loving God. He cares for me, He loves me, He speaks to me. This passage comforted me, he reminded me of His love and care for me. After reading Psalms, I read Proverbs 16.

1We can gather our thoughts, but the LORD gives the right answer. 2People may be pure in their own eyes, but the LORD examines their motives. 3Commit your work to the LORD, and then your plans will succeed. 4The LORD has made everything for his own purposes, even the wicked for punishment. 5The LORD despises pride; be assured that the proud will be punished. 6Unfailing love and faithfulness cover sin; evil is avoided by fear of the LORD. 7When the ways of people please the LORD, he makes even their enemies live at peace with them. 8It is better to be poor and godly than rich and dishonest. 9We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps. 10The king speaks with divine wisdom; he must never judge unfairly.11The LORD demands fairness in every business deal; he sets the standard. 12A king despises wrongdoing, for his rule depends on his justice. 13The king is pleased with righteous lips; he loves those who speak honestly. 14The anger of the king is a deadly threat; the wise do what they can to appease it. 15When the king smiles, there is life; his favor refreshes like a gentle rain. 16How much better to get wisdom than gold, and understanding than silver! 17The path of the upright leads away from evil; whoever follows that path is safe. 18Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall. 19It is better to live humbly with the poor than to share plunder with the proud. 20Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the LORD will be happy. 21The wise are known for their understanding, and instruction is appreciated if it's well presented. 22Discretion is a life-giving fountain to those who possess it, but discipline is wasted on fools. 23From a wise mind comes wise speech; the words of the wise are persuasive. 24Kind words are like honey--sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. 25There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death. 26It is good for workers to have an appetite; an empty stomach drives them on. 27Scoundrels hunt for scandal; their words are a destructive blaze. 28A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends. 29Violent people deceive their companions, leading them down a harmful path. 30With narrowed eyes, they plot evil; without a word, they plan their mischief. 31Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained by living a godly life. 32It is better to be patient than powerful; it is better to have self-control than to conquer a city. 33We may throw the dice, but the LORD determines how they fall.

While Psalms brought me comfort today and reminded me of God's love, Proverbs reminded me of how much I need His instruction and counsel. This passage was exactly what I needed to read. So I pray that as I curl up in my bed and try to sleep that the Lord will allow this to truly penetrate my heart. I want to "get" what He is trying to show me. Oh how I need my sleep but I need to hear His voice even more.

A Girl Named Mandi

(It was a night I will never forget. As long as I live I will remember the fear, the horror that I experienced that night. It is a memory that has caused a lot of pain for many years but now I am starting to realize that it is something that I must NEVER, NEVER forget. The pain was all a part of the plan. Now, I cherish it for I know that God handpicked me to do many things in this life. I also know that the timeline he created for me was all on purpose. Some would say that God never meant for that night to happen, I disagree. This is who I am. This is who I have become and that one night began a whole new journey for me and God. Today I am not the same girl, my circumstances are not the same, my life is not anything like it used to be. But one thing I know for sure is my God is still the same. He has been my Lord and Savior for fifteen years now and I long to live for Him. I long for my life to be a living testimony of what the blood of Jesus Christ is TRULY all about. So today I want to introduce you to Mandi. As I share her story, my story, I know God will bring about healing to my life and maybe yours too.)

When my parents divorced, I lived with my Dad for a couple of years. From the time I was born and somewhat still today, my Dad has always been an injured man. Many of us are injured but many of us also seek rehabilitation. He has not. While he has changed and become more tolerable and normal, he is still at times the very same Dad I have always had. Today I love him. I care for him deeply and I cannot imagine my life without him. My children adore him and he adores them. My Dad would give us everything if he could. He gives us money almost every week, not because we ask but because he loves us and he wants to give. Next year when I put Ava Beth in a combo dance class at a Dance studio down the street, he will pay for it. When Josiah plays soccer, he will pay for it. That's what he wants to do and we let him. We don't mind the help! At one time in my life he never kept his word. I can remember at least a hundred times he said he would do something and didn't do it. That particular bad trait has now changed. He follows through and keeps his word. I never thought I would see the day but I have. Even though he has done so many things to redeem himself for all the years he hurt me, it is still very hard. Just this past weekend I was angry with him. I did not want to talk to him, see him or have anything to do with him. He hurt me. It wasn't intentional, it was just his old behavior coming back and showing it's ugly face. I can't help but to remember the past when this happens. I can't help but think of Mandi, the sad little girl that longed to have a Daddy. The little girl that dreamt of having a Daddy to hold her, protect her and love her. A Daddy she could trust, a Daddy she could count on. Some days I grieve for Mandi. Now as a woman, as I refer to myself as Amanda, I sometimes wish I could be Mandi all over again. Maybe if I had the eyes of Amanda and the body and mind of Mandi, everything would change. Mandi would know she is loved. She would know her true value. But then I am reminded of the precious testimony Amanda has! God can use the pain and heartache of Mandi to show this woman Amanda, how she has been loved and treasured her whole life.

I was twelve years old living with my Dad who was also a severe alcoholic. If you know anything about alcoholism then you know there is a term called "Functioning Alcoholic." Well my Dad was not a functioning alcoholic. His alcoholism kept him from having a job so we had nothing. Since he was unable to keep a job, he was unable to pay monthly bills. As a result, our electricity was cut off and stayed off for three months. I didn't tell anyone, especially not my mom. In fact, I hated my Mom. I blamed her for everything. I was so wrapped up in taking care of my Dad and feeling sorry for my Dad that I blamed her. It wasn't her fault, I know that now. But I did everything I could to hide things from her in fear of being taken away from him. My Dad told me just about every single night that if I did not live with him, he would kill himself. He was so out of his mind that I believed him. During all of this, I learned to be a fighter. I am still a fighter. If you hurt me, I will fight every ounce of my being to not hurt you back. That sounds harsh but I had to protect myself daily and when I feel like someone is trying to hurt me, my first instinct is to hurt them first. But the awesome thing about Jesus is how he changes us. I may struggle with wanting to fight or wanting to hurt someone before they hurt me, but the Lord keeps me from doing it. That bad behavior has been rebuked so many times that I know what to do when I see it coming! Praise the Lord! But the point is this, I had to fight for myself constantly. My Dad would come home drunk every single night. Since I did not have electricity, I was scared of the dark a lot. I was also very scared of loosing my Dad. What if he died in a car wreck, what if he did not come home that night? But somehow he always made it home and always made my life a living hell until finally he would pass out and sleep.

One particular night he had been out drinking and came home very angry. When he was angry he would talk bad about my mother. He would tell me that she did not love me and that she hated me. It hurt me, it hurt me a lot. Finally I got tired of hearing him say that so much, I decided to stick up for my Mom. "I know why she left you Dad! You are mean, you are crazy! Why would anyone want to be with you?" At that point he threw me into a wall by grabbing one of my hands. The ring finger on my right hand was broken. I have a very bad habit of popping my knuckles and that is the one finger I am unable to pop without experiencing pain. So when I do pop it, I am instantly reminded of that night. After throwing me into the wall, he then opened the sliding glass door in our apartment and shoved me outside. He closed the sliding glass door, locked it and did not return for several hours. The only thing I was wearing was a underwear and a long t-shirt of his. I never had pajamas. It's funny because I am obsessed with my children having pajamas. This has a lot to do with why. I guess I feel like my kids having pajamas makes me normal today. I never had Pajamas but I always wanted them. The night I spent on the patio was difficult. It was thirty degrees that night. I remember how cold it was because I remember being inside the apartment without electricity and freezing underneath blankets. Now I was outside with nothing but a t-shirt. I don't think that there was a time in my life that I cried harder than the night I spent on that patio. A while back I took my husband to those apartments, I showed him the patio I sat on. It was hard to do but it was something that needed to be done. I can't say I found any healing or comfort by going back but I did find joy in knowing how much I survived as a child. So maybe I did find healing. That night in the cold, sitting on the patio, all curled up in the t-shirt, I talked to God a lot. I told him how this wasn't fair. I learned early on that it was okay for me to be mad at God. I could say whatever I wanted, He was still there. During that horrible night, I learned how to hear the voice of God. I learned how to experience His comfort. It was then I learned that I was a fighter and that God was going to use me someday to help others that had been hurt. So I thank Him for that night. I truly thank Him!

There were many more nights to come. None seem to effect me as much as that night but many more events took place that brought deep fear and pain into my life. My Dad locked me out again and threw my Bible down the stairs outside our apartment. He also got a butcher knife out and made me watch him cut into his arm. When I see him, I try to never look at his forearms. I don't want to see those scars. I know that he must live in horrible guilt every time he sees the scars on his arm so I never mention it. He has paid for his sin, I think he pays for it daily. Who am I to bring it up? We have had many conversations about the past. He knows the pain he has caused. He lives with it. A few months ago he told me that the night he threw my bible down the stairs was haunting him. The Lord gave me an awesome moment with my Dad. "Dad, let it go. Don't carry those thoughts with you anymore. Satan wants to remind you. I have forgiven you. It's gone! Forget it!" My Dad cried when I said that. It was a moment God gave me to truly show God's love to my Dad. My Dad is saved, I am so grateful for that. He doesn't always live a life of joy, he's usually upset about something. But he loves God, I know he does.

Since having children I have grieved my childhood a lot. As I read other women's blogs and I learn about their childhoods and the loving homes they lived in, I hurt. At times I even get a little mad but then God reminds me that all of the pain I endured was for a purpose. The pain has become my pearls! This is what God has used to show me how much He loves me. Friends, let me tell you something, God has got big plans for my life. I am not being boastful or proud, I am just telling you that He is going to use this. My dreams of standing before women and speaking about what God has done and what He can do for them, my dreams of standing before thousands of women and sharing with them how they can find freedom in JESUS, it will come true. The Lord will use this for HIS kingdom! I wouldn't trade that pain for anything in this world! Mandi isn't just a little girl named after a Barry Manilow song (yes, it's true!), she's girl that had purpose and now God has freed her up to show others how to be free themselves.

Mandi has a story to tell and now I am privileged, honored and blessed to be the one chosen to share it.

(Click here. On the first page you will see a list of films/videos at the bottom. Choose RAIN. Watch the the film, not the clip. It's only 11minutes. Someone showed this video to me about a year ago and it changed my life. Today as I wrote this blog entry, I watched this video again. It is powerful and it reminded me of how precious my pain is.)

Free day!

I have been looking forward to this day since Sunday. My Mother-in-law called Sunday evening and said that the kids could spend the night with her on Tuesday night. She also explained that she would pick them up around 10am. This meant I would have the whole day and night to do whatever I wanted. As much as I love my children, as much as I can't stand to be away from them, this was a day I have needed for a long time. So with Josiah and Ava Beth over at Grammy and Papa's until 9am tomorrow morning, I had the chance to do something for me. I talked on the phone to a close friend, then got ready and while doing so listened to a sermon online. Then I left the house, without buckling anyone into a car seat, and headed for Arby's. It was nice eating my cheddar and roast beef all by myself inside the restaurant. I didn't feel weird or lonely for even a second. I was relaxed. After eating I headed to Barnes and Noble, bought myself a Grande, Decaf, house blend and found the book I have been wanting to read. At first the book was hard to find so I ask a B&N employee if they could look up the author Rob Bell. As soon as I said Rob Bell, the employee looked at me and said, "We can't keep his book on the shelf. Everyone that comes to this section wants his book. But let me look and see if any have come in today." Well I was in luck, a shipment came in today. Here's the deal though. I ordered this book online over the weekend and paid only $8! BUT, it will not be here until next week due to standard shipping. I thought if I looked through the book today, I would wait until it came in the mail. Unfortunately for my wallet, I bought the book today and paid full price. As soon as I read the first two pages, I knew I would not be able to leave without that book underneath my arm. That's right, I paid full price for a book I will be receiving next week! It's that good! It's so good that B&N can't keep enough on their shelf. It seems that a lot of Christians out there are feeling how I am feeling. It's nice to know I am not alone. If you happen to read this post that I wrote the other day and you find yourself in a similar boat, Velvet Elvis is a good book to buy.

So there you have it! It's now 4pm and my husband will not be home until 7pm. I am making one of his favorite recipes tonight, homemade fettuccine alfredo and chicken, caesar salad, homemade caesar salad dressing and my own mozzarella/garlic bread. I just realized that I am out of fettuccine noodles. A lot of times I will have Jeremy stop on his way home or I will call and ask my dad to bring me something I need from the store but wait a minute! I don't have kids! I can leisurely, quickly, run up to the store and get what I need! Wow. I think I need a day like this at LEAST once a week. I think I will start dropping hints now to my mother-in-law! Oh did I mention I am pregnant with my THIRD!? Yes and I am thinking I will need TWO days a week when the third child is born at the beginning of the year! Don't be hatin' but my in-laws live two miles away. Yes, I am blessed. So blessed!

Okay so don't get tired of reading yet! This post is ending but I have a whole other one to write. When kids are with grandparents, I am quite capable of writing two posts in one day. So here I go! Stay tuned for another!

Dancing With The Stars

I am proud to say, not embarrassed to admit, I LOVE Dancing With The Stars! Finally this morning the new celebrity dancers were announced and I think this is my favorite season yet. Third time is a charm, right? Well this is the third season so I think it will be pretty amazing. Although I am four months pregnant and I am not getting any smaller! So watching these women dance their butts off and loose weight while doing so may make me a little envious at times. Most of these women are already in fabulous shape, plus they have had a few nips, tucks, lifts and add ons along the way. But thank goodness for the real women this season. They always put a Mom in the mix and as we know Moms do not have perfect bodies. No, I am wrong. Some do. If you are a Mom in Hollywood, you probably do have a perfect body. UNLESS, you are Reese Witherspoon or Julia Roberts! But those two are not on Dancing With The Stars so I better get back on subject. Plus I know what you are thinking. "I thought Amanda was not concerned with this kind of stuff. I did not think she struggled with being envious of rock hard, ripped, toned, perfectly standing breasts, non cellulite legs, pencil arms that other women have?" HA! Of course, I wish I had a body like that but I know it's not reality or at least it's not MY reality and I KNOW that God loves me and I KNOW that I am not perfect, never will be! Soooo, I just enjoy looking at perfect bodies on Dancing With The Stars. Come on! Would Lisa Rinna still love herself if she had hail damage on her thighs? Probably not. But I still love me. Well, most of the time.

Okay, so this is not a Bible lesson. There is no spiritual knowledge I have to give you today. Well so far. The say is still young. This is just me revealing my favorite show for Fall's lineup. Dancing With The Stars! September 12th can't be here soon enough! So incase you haven't heard, here are the new celebrities for this season's Dancing With The Stars!

TUCKER CARLSON- He used to have a show on CNN, now he is on MSNBC. I don't like him. I am a Fox News girl anyway.

MONIQUE COLEMAN- She is famous for the movie High School Musical. I had to sit through this movie while babysitting. I will NEVER sit through it again.

SARA EVANS- Now this is my favorite female on the show this season. If you don't like Country music, you would hate riding in my car because that's what I love. And I love Sara Evans. She is a real woman, with a real body. Plus she is beautiful not only on the outside but on the inside. She's a girl's girl. She's a MOM! GO SARA!

WILLA FORD- She is a pop star. Actually she is referred to as the bad girl of pop. Guess what? I have never heard of her!

VIVICA A. FOX- No description needed. You know who she is.

HARRY HAMLIN- Remember Lisa Rinna from last year? Well, Harry is her husband.

JOE LAWRENCE- Remember little Joey? He was in the show called Blossom and he was in some other stuff but he is most famous for saying, "Whoa." He's not really famous anymore. Maybe this will help him.

MARIO LOPEZ- Okay, don't say you did not watch Saved By The Bell because you KNOW you did! Well maybe you did. Remember Slater? Well, that's Mario. I don't really care for Mario after hearing that he cheated on his wife after a week of marriage. Yikes!

SHANNA MOAKLER- Beauty queen that I have never heard of.

EMMITT SMITH - I have to say that he is #1 on my list! OF COURSE, he was a Dallas Cowboy! After playing for the Dallas Cowboys for thirteen years, he then played for Arizona one year but signed a one day, no pay contract with the Dallas Cowboys so he could retire as a Cowboy. Now that instantly will make me call in and vote for Emmitt! Oh and he is the NFL's all time leading rusher! I think he will be good on his feet. Jerry Rice was a receiver and he did good but Emmitt will be one to watch! Look out!

JERRY SPRINGER - I have NOTHING to say about him. Perish the thought!

So there you have it! September 12th is less than a month away and I got my dancing shoes on!

Part II

(Sorry gals, this post is long. But I think all of my posts are long! Sorry!)

Yesterday afternoon I had my part II to yesterday's post completed. That way I could get on the computer first thing this morning and post it. But in the middle of saving it, blogger went down and I lost it. So I think the Lord wanted me to work through some things before posting the second half of "Cravings". Part II is all about something I am facing right now, a change taking place. It's nothing bad or earth shattering, just something that is weighing very heavy on my heart. With that comes my feelings and my own opinions. Now if you have been reading my blog for a while, you know I like to really pray about what I write when it comes to my relationship with Christ and the things He is showing me. As a woman trying to pursue holiness, I don't want to put anything out there that would confuse anyone or cause anyone to stumble. Right now my view on church is really at a difficult place. I need some help with all that I am feeling. I need some help working through all the opinions I have formed in my head when it comes to church. Tonight I am going to buy Rob Bell's book called Velvet Elvis. A friend of mine recommended this book and she knows I am a huge fan of Rob Bell. His sermons are wonderful to listen to. In fact, I would love it if his church was HERE. That may solve our church dilemma.

Since the post I had planned for today was lost in space, I think the Holy Spirit had some time to work on me and soften me a little bit. Once again He is doing something new in my life, brand new. Actually, I have never been at this place before or even tasted anything like it. It's scary, but also exciting because I know God is about to reveal himself in a way I have never experienced. A few days ago I read something that someone had written about church. This woman writing is a GODLY woman. But guess what? She does not attend church. I was kind of surprised but at the same time I was proud of her for writing about it. She explained that she was feeling like she may be ready to be a part of a church. So many Christians spend so much time talking about their church that I never hear the word JESUS come out of their mouth. I know a lot of church people that don't seem very different from the non church people.
I hear church people freak out when they find out you like Red Wine or a Margarita with your Mexican Food! I know church people that drink but hide it. I know church people that are afraid of being seen at Super Target buying a bottle of wine. Well send me, I will buy it for you!

The truth is, I am done. I am over the whole churchy church kind of talk. It's not genuine, it's not real life, it's totally and completely fake. Now don't get me wrong. There are things as Christian Leaders or people in ministry that have to show boundaries. If I am on staff at a church, I don't know if I would go to the Target down the street and buy Yellow Tail Shiraz! If you don't know what that is, it's wine. Good wine! That would be something I would have to really, really pray about. I don't want to ruin my witness or my ministry. There are two sides to that scenario and both have good points. Christians debate this constantly so I am not going to. But if you think that me having a glass of wine makes me a woman that is unable to minister to women, then obviously I will never be able to speak into your life because I enjoy a glass of red wine! Getting drunk, I have a problem with. The Bible is crystal clear about being drunk. So why is that some have a problem with drinking wine but they don't have a problem with watching Grey's Anatomy, Boston Legal, Desperate Housewives, Two and a Half Men and Friends reruns. Now let me go on the record here. I LOVE the show Boston Legal, LOVE it! But when people are having sex in a coat closet, sex in their office and it's not with their spouse, I do feel convicted. The enemy is sneaky. As Christians we say we don't agree with it and just because we watch shows that support affairs and sexual relationships doesn't mean we will do it! Right?! Again, the enemy is sneaky. Some choose not to drink because of family alcoholism, etc. That's totally understandable. But I have heard a lot of talk lately among friends of mine that have been judged because they like to have a beer or Margarita or wine. I have not faced this kind of judgment before.

So we all have different convictions, yes. But people in the church, including MYSELF, like to put sin in a pretty box and tie a big, fat, bow around it. We judge, oh how we judge! Several years ago I went through a Life Management Program called Pathways. This was something that Dr. Phil McGraw created. Pathways is a four month program. It's secular, not a Christian program but it's operated by many Christians. While I was in Pathways I had several classmates that were homosexual. One of them I became pretty close to. I had energy for him, I really loved him as a person. When he would speak in front of the group, my heart would break for him as he shared his troubles as a child. This guy who was gay believed in God. He believed that he knew God. He believed God loved him. Before Pathways I would have thought he was crazy but I saw his heart. Whether or not he was saved? I was unable to make that call. Some Christians would say there is no way a gay man or woman could possibly be saved. That's another thing like drinking and TV watching that I don't care to debate. Sin is sin! During one of the sessions, I noticed this particular guy crying. After the session ended it was time to go to our rooms for the night and work on homework. Yes, we had homework. But first I grabbed my buddy (a buddy was your person that was assigned to you and worked on your training together through out the whole four months) and asked my gay friend if I could pray for him. After I finished praying, he asked if he could pray. Yep, a gay guy praying! Perish the thought! Right? No, it was a prayer I will never forget. A true sinner, asking God to help him.

A few months ago when I visited my grandmother in Beaumont, Texas, we all went out to eat. On our way we saw a man, his wife and young child standing on the corner holding up signs that said, "God hates fags!" I shouldn't have, but I looked out the window while we were stopped at the light and shook my head in disbelief to the man shouting things in his battery operated megaphone. I looked in his eyes and showed him how much I disapproved. I could have been shot but my heart hurt so bad when I saw that. I was mad that someone could portray God in that way! When the man saw that I disapproved of his behavior, he shouted something horrible. I still can't believe he had his little boy out there with him. What a sad, sad world we live in.

At the end of my cul-de-sac, there are two lesbians that live in a house together. Obviously they are a couple. Across the street from them is another lesbian that lives alone. I see all of them outside every single day talking as they walk their little dogs. They know me by name. They know my children by name. They have seen us leave for church on Sunday mornings. Actually I had a conversation with one of the sweet ladies and told her we were still looking for a church. She KNOWS we are Christians. I make it a point to let her know through my verbiage that I am a Christ follower. I make it a point with my smile and my actions to let her know that I am a person that loves her.

So this is what I crave. This is what I have a taste for. This is what I am praying about. This is why I am tired of church, tired of looking for a church, tired of talking church. I don't want an EMERGENT church! I don't want a SEEKER church! I don't want a church that thinks that are not seeker but really are! I don't want a church that is trying to be like every other church! I WANT TO BE THE CHURCH! No, I don't want to start a cult. I don't want to be a Pastor. I don't want to FORSAKE the church. I need it, my kids need it. But, I don't want what I have always had. My taste buds have changed and I can't handle the status quo anymore. I crave authenticity. I want to go somewhere that is not worried with how many people are there that day or focused on how they are going to get more people to come the next Sunday. I don't need a fancy name tag or a pretty bulletin. Just put me in with sinners! Sinners that are really desperate for CHRIST. A place that has an alter flooded with men that are addicted to pornography, men and women trying to come out of homosexuality, men and women needing a Savior instead of needing a church. You see all of those people are in our churches but no one wants to be real. No one wants to expose their sin. We all want to have Bible Study but we don't want anyone to piss us off.

I have thought about inviting my cul-de-sac over for breakfast on a Sunday morning. I just want to get to know them. Find out what they do, what they like and who they love. Do they have kids? Do they have grandkids? Maybe that would start a spark. Maybe that would show others the love of Jesus. Who cares if I ever stand on a church stage and sing again! Who cares if I ever get to be on staff somewhere again! Who cares if anyone knows that I can lead a Bible Study, speak or write a drama! What if I am supposed to focus on love? Loving my neighbors, loving those I come in contact with. What if that's how I am supposed to minister to women?

We have not been to church in two weeks. We read our Bible, we study His word daily, we pray, we worship, but we have not been to church in to weeks. One of my very best friends, Tiffany, asked me yesterday if we were going to church on Sunday. My answer was simple. "I don't know." Where else can we visit? Where else can we put our kids in the nursery while we try to figure out whether or not this a place we should come to again? It's grueling, it's painful, it's the most horrible process ever. We will go to church again. We will not forsake the body. But, we are waiting on God for a crystal clear answer. The hunger has changed. The craving is strong and so far it has not been satisfied. What is God doing? What is he trying to show us? That's what I pray He will reveal to my husband and when He does, I know He will reveal the same to me too. Each Sunday we both know what we want. We have been thinking and praying about it daily. But it seems that we get the total opposite. I know that my Husband hears the voice of God, I know that I hear it too. My prayer is that we will hear from Him soon regarding our church home and our place of ministry. Our vision has changed, we have changed, our relationship with Christ has grown and we want more of Him. But we don't want what we have had in the past.

I am not against church. I am not putting down anyone else's church. Understand that I am in the middle of a process. I am not trying to start any debates or offend anyone. I am just being real, completely real. Please allow me to do that. I love God, I am a Christ follower and I need him to RULE my life! Oh how I need Him!

Cravings (Part I)

One of the greatest joys of pregnancy has got to be eating a big, fat, juicy, cheeseburger without feeling one bit of guilt while doing so or after finishing. I have never had heart burn. I have no idea what heartburn even feels like. My mom tells me that if I did get it, I would know. So my love for spicy food has not been tossed aside while being pregnant. In fact, my love for hot, spicy things has only gotten worse. I crave it! That's why I love Whataburger! I can get a Cheeseburger with jalapenos. I can also get one of those at Sonic and Burger Box! Burger Box is an amazing place with amazing burgers and fries. If you live in the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex, you should definitely make a trip to this burger joint. Every single time I am there, I see someone I know! Okay so back to the cravings. It's not that my cravings are weird. Pickles and Ice Cream is not something I would ever want. I'm not a big fan of ice cream, although I love pickles. But those two together sound disgusting! The things I crave never really fall under the strange category, the cravings are very specific. If I wake up and want a McDonald's hamburger for lunch, I guarantee you I will be eating a quarter pounder with cheese by day's end. McDonalds is a rare craving because I don't consider their burgers to be real burgers. But I do have that GREASE craving every once in a while. It may be Arby's I want or Long John Silvers or Taco Bueno. Just because I crave a hamburger doesn't mean it can be any hamburger. I will crave a specific hamburger at a specific hamburger place.

Sonic is one of my least favorite fast food places. When we built our first house four years ago, we lived in a town that was not developed. There was nothing! The only thing we had was a Sonic. So now I have to be pretty desperate to crave Sonic! My Mom loves Sonic. Last week my Mom came over so we could take the kids to the water park. But first we had to eat and the only thing we could agree on was Sonic because I knew I could get the kids grilled cheese. As I looked at the menu, I was stumped. There was nothing I saw that looked good. My mom said she was getting the Frito Pie Wrap. It sounded disgusting but she urged me to give a try. I did. I loved it! Loved it, loved it, loved it! Well this past Monday I woke up with a Frito Pie wrap at the forefront of my mind. No Taco Bell, no hamburgers, no Arby's please! Just give this girl a Frito Pie wrap and I will be good to go. The day was still young, way too young for a Frito Pie Wrap so the kids and I head out for a few errands. Daddy needed new shoes so we head to the Nike store. After that, the time was right, off to Sonic we go! I order what we need. The grilled cheese, the Sprites for the kids, the Dr. Pepper for me and the Frito Pie wrap that I have been thinking about half the day. Home is just a couple of miles away, I hate eating in the car! Especially with kids, especially when the "new" has not worn off the SUV I got in January and especially when it's 102 degrees outside! No matter how hungry I am, we are NOT eating in MY car!

Finally we are home! I've got the kids at the table all set up. I have my food in front of me. It's time to eat! I couldn't wait! As I unwrap that shiny, silver wrapping, I see it! My Frito Pie Wrap! I think I even sounded a bit like Rachel Ray for a moment. The excitement I was having over this food was a bit ridiculous. Rachel Ray goes nuts over her food! As a Mom you know the feeling of hunger that overwhelms you while you are trying to make sure the kids are set up with their food. It seems like it takes forever before you can finally sit down and enjoy. The moment had arrived. I bit into my wrap and instantly realized I was biting into scrambled eggs! I HATE SCRAMBLED EGGS with a passion. I can handle pretty much anything when it comes to eating but scrambled eggs is something I can't do. I adore Sushi while most people hate it. Yes, I love sushi but I hate scrambled eggs. Instead of a Frito Pie wrap, I am served a breakfast burrito. Since Sonic serves breakfast food all day long, it did not matter that I ordered at 12:30pm! Someone else ordered breakfast, someone else got my Frito Pie wrap and probably loved every bite of it. This was not something I could let slide. My kids were busy eating and right after that I would put them down for their three hour nap. There is no way I can load them back up in this awful, Texas heat, drive to Sonic and explain my situation to a teenage girl taking orders at Sonic! I decided to call and ask for the manager. The manager actually answered the phone. I was very nice. Maybe if I killed him with kindness , he would offer free delivery and bring my Frito Pie Wrap! This is what he tells me. "Oh we realized we made a mistake a few minutes after we gave you your order. The person that ordered the breakfast burrito hit the call button and told us about our mistake. We tried to find you but you had already left. Why don't you drive back up here and we will give you your Frito Pie Wrap?!" Despite how upset I was feeling, I remained calm and friendly. I explained that my kids were eating and that it would be a lot of trouble for me to load up my kids and come back. He took my name, wrote it in a book and told me that whenever I was ready I could come back and get my Frito Pie Wrap free of charge. When I hung up the phone, I was sad, disappointed and still very hungry. No, I did not eat the breakfast burrito! No, no, no, no, no! No scrambled eggs! That will never be a craving of mine.

All I wanted was my Frito Pie Wrap. I had a craving for it, I had a taste for it, that's what I wanted. Instead I got something unexpected, totally different than what I wanted. That my friends, is frustrating, disappointing and totally unsatisfying. Next time I will unwrap the shiny, silver, wrapping, then unwrap the wrap to make sure it is a Frito Pie Wrap and not a Breakfast Burrito wrap!

Can you guess what I will be eating for lunch today?

(This will all make sense tomorrow. That's why I have a part II!)

Psalm 91

(***update- Josiah slept in his bed all night. NO FEAR! It's 7:51am and he is still sleeping. He did not even come get in bed with me after Daddy left for work at 7am. Thank you Lord for answering my prayer!)

Our three and a half year old has been going through a tough phase lately. Fear. When I was a child I had every right to have fear. My Dad was an alcoholic, he was always mad and I could hear my Mom sobbing just about every night. So yes I was fearful almost every night when I went to bed. But Josiah does not live in anything close to what I lived in. In fact, he lives in the quite opposite. We spend time praying with him every single night. We talk about the Bible, we read the Bible, we teach him scripture to memorize and he's memorizing it at three and half years old! He may not have truly made the connection with God but he sure is getting close. I even heard him asked his friend Jackson a very important question. They were eating peanut butter sandwiches, drinking milk and discussing Thomas The Tank Engine. Josiah took a bite of his sandwich, swallowed his bite and then asked, "Jackson, do you have a church?"
I don't remember exactly how Jackson answered but I do remember feeling so proud that my son was concerned with whether or not Jackson went to church. But why is my confident little boy so scared at night? I realize it's normal for his age but at times it has been a bit much. We are all loosing sleep over it!

A few months ago we began having major issues with Josiah wanting to sleep in his bed. Since I was a child that did not live in a healthy and safe home, I am the first one to give in to Josiah's requests to sleep on our floor, next to our bed in his Mr. Incredibles sleeping bag. Jeremy, my husband, needs more convincing. I cave! Now I have learned that I have to limit how much he sleeps in our room. So he's allowed once a week, that's it. When I was his age I longed to sleep with my parents. I wanted to be able to crawl in bed with them when I was scared but that was something I never felt like I could do. That makes it hard for me to say no but Jeremy has taught me that I can't always give in to him in order to make up for the hard times I went through. But when Josiah sleeps in my room or when Jeremy goes to work and that little boy crawls in bed with me, a part of me experiences some healing. Every single morning he gets in bed with me after Jeremy leaves and every single morning he whispers in my ear, "Mommy, I love you." Of course I always get a huge smile on my face and tell him how much I love him too. That has to be my favorite part of the day. Needless to say, but so important to share, Josiah has my heart. What child doesn't have their Mother's heart?

A few weeks ago I shared Josiah's issue with a friend of mine. She explained that many moms in her Bible Study, including her, had faced the same issues with their kids. Through process of elimination and by talking to Josiah over and over again about what was scaring him, we found the answer. Monsters Inc. Even though he knows the monsters in the movie are nice, he sees the kids scream and it scares him. It was an innocent mistake I made. I really had no idea that this movie would cause such a reaction or I never would have allowed him to see it. My friend shared that some of the Moms in her Bible Study have used "Monster Spray." I had prayed over Josiah, prayed over his room, and tried pretty much everything. I even prayed about the Monster Spray. I did not want to do anything that would compromise what the Lord was trying to do. Jeremy and I decided this was worth a try. We prayed and then we sprayed! Febreeze poured into a clear, orange, plastic, spray bottle seemed to do the trick, until Monday night. Until Monday night, he stayed in his bed all night long! Then out of no where, he started to deal with this fear of night all over again. Nap time, never a problem, never! Only night time. This morning I woke up exhausted. He came into our room many times and finally I told him he could sleep on the couch.

All morning I asked the Lord for help. "What should I do? How can I show him that his room is safe Lord? How long will this go on before he stops being afraid." Instantly I thought of Psalm 91. Since I have struggled with fear, my Mom gave me this scripture passage many years ago. She told me to read it and claim it for my life. She told me to walk the floors of my house reading it out loud and I did. That passage set me free in many ways and I when I struggle with fear or know someone else struggling with fear, I pull that passage out. When I read it, I always read it out loud and I always insert my name in every single sentence. It's powerful! Well, tonight I did this with my son. I sat down on the bed and explained to him that he was safe. I assured him there was nothing to be sacred of. I also told him to say his memory verse out loud if he gets scared. "Okay Mommy." Then I pulled out my Bible and told him I wanted to read something to him that would help him to not be afraid. I read Psalm 91 twice and I inserted Josiah's name in every line. Then I prayed for him and we also sprayed the Monster spray. Actually we did that first. I wanted him to be left to sleep with those scriptures on his mind. It's been fifty minutes, I have not heard a peep.

Some would say it was the Monster spray, some would say it was my talk. But I know it was the prayer and the power of God's Word! That's where we find victory! That's what I want my children to learn!

Psalm 91 for Josiah
Josiah who lives in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare of the LORD: He alone is Josiah's refuge, Josiah's place of safety;he is Josiah's God, and Josiah is trusting him. For he will rescue Josiah from every trap and protect Josiah from the fatal plague. He will shield Josiah with his wings. He will shelter Josiah with his feathers. His faithful promises are Josiah's armor and protection. Josiah, do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch Josiah. But Josiah will see it with his eyes; he will see how the wicked are punished. Josiah, if you make the LORD your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling. For he orders his angels to protect Josiah wherever he goes. They will hold Josiah with their hands to keep Josiah from striking his foot on a stone. Josiah will trample down lions and poisonous snakes; Josiah will crush fierce lions and serpents under his feet! The LORD says, "I will rescue Josiah because he loves me. I will protect Josiah because he trusts in my name. When Josiah calls on me, I will answer; I will be with Josiah in trouble. I will rescue Josiah and honor Josiah. I will satisfy Josiah with a long life and give Josiah my salvation."

From Seattle to Texas!

In just a few days I will have my brother, sister-in-law and nephew living about thirty minutes away. On Sunday morning they left Seattle to come to Texas for good! My brother moved there a few years ago and met Desiree and her little boy Mason. After Ava Beth was born Josh ( my brother) and Desiree came to Texas to visit all of us and we got to meet Desiree for the very first time. As soon as I met her I knew he would marry her. She is a beautiful, precious girl and I love her like she were my very own sister. Not only have we been blessed with Desiree but with her little boy Mason who will start second grade next week. The poor thing just got out for Summer break in Washington on June 22nd and has to start school here next week! Mason does not know his real Dad so my brother quickly became the Daddy that Mason has always needed. My brother is planning to adopt Mason soon and we are more than happy about that! Last April, the three of them came to visit Texas again and Mason stayed with us a few nights. Josiah is happy to have a cousin and Aunt Desiree. Mason is a wonderful kid! They are more than we could have ever prayed for. I am so happy for my little brother and the beautiful family he has. Not only do we have Mason but they are also expecting a baby girl at the beginning of November. Her name will be Adysen Renee and guess what? Renee is my middle name, Ava Beth's middle name and my Mom's middle name and one of Desiree's sister's middle name. But I have already proclaimed that the baby is named after ME! I will make sure Adysen knows she is named after her favorite Aunt, Aunt Mandi.

A few minutes ago Desiree called to chat while she followed my brother as he drives the huge moving truck. She quickly asked, "What is the temperature there?" Before revealing the current temp, I asked "Are you sure you want to know?" She was adamant so I told her it was 96 but explained that a heat wave was coming. "On Wednesday and Thursday it is supposed to be 102 and 103. But please don't turn around to go back to Seattle!! It should cool off in October. Hopefully." Desiree and Mason have no idea what it is like to live in this kind of heat AND she is seven months pregnant! While my brother longs to cross the Texas border and find the nearest Whataburger , Desi and Mason want to find the nearest water park!

Desi had a hard time on Sunday when the left. She has never lived this far from her parents and they have never known what it is like to be away from their grandson. As we talked on the phone yesterday during the start of the drive, she cried. I don't know if I helped but I explained to her what a blessing it was that she is so close to her family and that she is so sad to leave them. Not all children have that kind of relationship with their families. What a blessing! Then I told her how excited I was to have her in my life. "We get to take our kids to the pumpkin patch, to see Santa Clause, to get their pictures made together and dress them alike. We get to shop together, cook together at the Holidays. We will both have new babies only three months apart! We get to make brand new memories." I wanted her to know that she is such a blessing to our family but especially to me. I think she got the point and she shared how excited she was to have me too. That made me feel great!

I have always wanted a sister. When Jeremy and I got engaged, I was so happy knowing he had a sister. Instantly I could see us shopping together, cooking, laughing, drinking coffee and being great friends. But it did not happen that way and five years later, we are still not close. We don't talk on the phone, we don't make plans to see each other. We live a few miles away from one another but rarely get together unless it is arranged by J's family. This was so hard for me in the beginning. I did not understand why someone would not want to be close to me. It's still hard but we are just so different that there is nothing to build on. She is a Godly woman and serves the Lord in missions with her husband. She has faith that could move mountains and I really see God in her. Maybe someday our relationship will be close but I no longer try to force it or make it happen. Through the years of dealing with the pain of rejection in that relationship, I felt like the Lord was telling me that someday I would have that relationship I craved. About a year ago I realized that what I was desiring with Jeremy's sister was not going to happen with her but it would happen with Desiree. Just a few weeks ago I got a card in the mail from Desiree for no good reason. It was a just because kind of card. She even speaks my love language! In the card she told me how happy she was to have a sister-in-law like me and she told me how much she loved me. It made my day! I felt like the Lord was truly answering my prayer to something I have always wanted.

My brother is four years younger than me. We have not been very close in the past. But we have been through a lot together. Actually we have been through hell together. My Dad does things that drive us both crazy and he often causes problems for us. So last week we talked about that. We talked about how we could not let Dad get in the middle of our relationship and cause strife. He will try to do it and he will do it sometimes without trying. My Dad is a recovered alcoholic but he continues to have traits of someone that still drinks. Not only that but he is negative, he pries, he's nosy and he gets jealous if he thinks we have left him out. When it's family time, he will not let anyone else talk, he does all the talking. He is so insecure that he does things to overcompensate. My Dad has already started talking about the Holidays and how he wants to spend it with all of us. This puts a lot of stress on everyone because we have lots of time that we have to divide up between families. Today my Dad has called me twice already trying to find out if I have talked to Josh because a lot of times Josh ignores his calls. My Dad lives less than two miles from us. It's actually nice to have him close but Josh moving backs adds a whole new dimension to all of our relationships. I have shared before that God has really restored a lot in my relationship with my Dad. A lot of healing has taken place and continues to but Josh moving back could cause a set back in many ways. There are lots of things from the past that the enemy would like to use. It will take major prayer to keep that from happening!

So pray for my family. We need it! Pray that Josh and I can have the relationship that we have always wanted. Pray that he can find a job in the Metroplex SOON and that Desi and Mason adjust to Texas heat and being so far from home. And pray for my Dad and that Josh and I can learn how to handle him. They should arrive sometime Wednesday night or Thursday morning. Please pray for them as they travel, they need it.

Josiah, Ava Beth and Mason on Easter

Oh how I love them!

This morning I have visited a few blogs that I love because I always get to read things about their kids. One of the bloggers is a mom of triplets! I love going to her blog. There is something so amazing about a Mom that can go to Target with three two year olds, then go to ChicFilA and live to tell about it! When I take my one and a half year old and three and half year old into Target or Wal Mart and especially the library, I spend a lot of time praying. "Lord, please let this be a good day. Please!!!!!" If you are a Mom, you KNOW how great you feel when you have made it home without having to threaten, bribe or negotiate. Seriously, Moms could negotiate any business deal! Better yet, send us to the White House, we know how to communicate and I love George W. so send me to talk to the media, I can do it and they will listen!

Now normally I don't like to use bribes, threaten to take all Thomas The Trains away or negotiate for a new Thomas The Train but sometimes a Mom has to do what a Mom has to do! I am sure I make plenty of parenting mistakes but I am always learning something new. Just yesterday as I locked myself in my bathroom, I began to pray out loud. It was a hard day with the kids. Sometimes I don't know if I am choosing the right punishment for the child. Sometimes I am unsure of my every move so prayer is KEY! "Lord, you have to help me. Some days I have no idea what I am doing. How do I teach them to share? How do I teach Josiah to not cry when he is frustrated? How do I get Ava Beth to quit grabbing Josiah's trains and then running across the house with them? Lord, please help me to nurture their relationship. I need your help. I can't do this alone."

We all have them. Bad days. They come but thankfully, they go! Then we have good days and they make you totally forget the bad ones. Isn't that amazing? If you would have asked me in the beginning of this pregnancy whether or not I was done, I would have said "YES, three is plenty! We are done!" The beginning of my pregnancy I was sick and sick all day, every day! Just a couple of days ago someone asked me, "Are y'all done? Are you considering four? You have always said you wanted four!" And much to my surprise I responded with, "I don't know. I would like to have four maybe." You see the morning sickness is gone. I am a few weeks into the second trimester and I feel great! That's what happens, we forget! The good outweighs the bad, ALWAYS. Now if someone asked me that question on the day of my first outing with THREE children, the answer would probably be different.

My point is, I love my children so much. I don't know what I would be without them. Just this morning I awoke to a little boy staring at me. He had gotten in our bed this morning along with Elmo and his "B" (blanket). Our first conversation this morning was all about Thomas The Tank Engine! In fact he speaks of Thomas so much that I am actually having dreams about The Island of Sodor! His best buddy, Jackson, comes over two days a week and they play with their trains for hours. Seriously, hours. As we snuggle in bed, Josiah looks in my eyes and says, "Mommy, your eyes are green and that's the same color as the drums at Trey's church." He's obsessed with the drums and guitar and he saw a green drum set at our friend's church. "Daddy's eyes are brown and my eyes are just like Daddy's. Sissy's eyes are blue, the same color as Thomas the Train." Last night at the movie store I let him rent a Thomas DVD, then at the grocery store I let him pick out a sucker. "What color do you want Josiah?" Why did I ask? I should have known. "Probably I want blue like Thomas!" He says probably all the time. Kind of funny! Josiah keeps this house full of entertainment. He loves to talk! Then again what three and a half year old doesn't?! When he was a newborn, it was hard to imagine this age. Josiah had to have an emergency surgery at two and a half weeks old, then he was colic until three months and he had acid reflux until nine months old! It was a rough time for a first time Mom! He's my first, he's still my baby and now he's my little buddy. It's kind of neat how I can carry on conversations with him now. He knows when I am sad, he knows when I am happy. He is my delight and I am so proud to be his Mom! Oh how I love him!

And then there is Ava Beth! Now this child is 100% totally different from her brother. She may be the baby, but she knows what she wants. She is not a follower, she is not a tag a long, she is the leader! She may be only one and a half years old but the girl has a thing for shoes like you have never seen. Since Mommy doesn't have any flat shoes, she has learned how to walk in heels, one time she walked in stilettos and she can walk in a wedge like nobody's business. I think she almost has as many purses as me and currently she only has one bracelet and one pair of earrings but she wears them so well. If I let her, she would change clothes all day long. She loves clothes! She even lets me fix her hair without a fight. This little girl wants to look good and wants the world to see it! I prayed for a girly girl and I got one. But she is the best kind of girly girl because she can throw a ball, kick a ball and play in the dirt with all the boys and never be intimidated. She may love her baby doll but she loves her brother's cars, trains and trucks too. This usually causes a problem! This is where the whole sharing thing comes in and me trying to explain to her that it's not nice to steal her brother's toy away and then run! One of the nice things about the second child is all that the good things they learn from their older sibling. We have always made Josiah say yes mam and no mam, yes sir and no sir. Ava Beth has started saying it too. Last week I was getting on to her in a playful way. "Ava Beth, don't give Daddy all my kisses. Do you understand?" I couldn't believe it but she said, "Ye mam." She is saying a lot of stuff but she is learning some of the most important. Like when we pray with our kids every night, we end each prayer, "In Jesus Name, Amen." Well now we don't have to say amen because she knows as soon as we say "In Jesus name" to say "AMEN!" I remember when Josiah did the same. These are the moments parents live for. It's rewarding to see when your work is paying off and when the kids really are "getting" it. My daughter has changed me in many ways. She has allowed me to be a little girl all over again. She's my baby for a few more months, she's my delight, she's my future shopping buddy, she's my feisty, spunky leader, she is something else!! Oh how I love her!

Now this post would not be complete without writing about this precious third baby that will arrive in January. In a few more weeks we find out if it's a boy or a girl and will begin calling the baby by name. I am starting to feel like I know what it is but either way, I am happy. This morning before I got out of bed, I spent some time praying for this baby. I am at that stage where in the morning, I have a big bump on one side of my stomach. I love that! I love how I can feel how the baby has shifted and is nestled in one comfy spot. Even though I can't feel kicks yet, I can totally sense this baby's movement. I was not able to do that with the first two, but this one has been totally different. I am already imagining holding this little one and seeing he or she for the first time. Josiah was born with blonde fuzz, almost bald head. AB was born with tons and tons of black hair but now it's blonde. Josiah looks exactly like Daddy while Ava Beth looks exactly like Mommy. Who will this little one look like? Josiah is a lot like his Daddy while Ava Beth is exactly like Mommy! So as I prayed over this baby this morning, I prayed for God to speak to this child even now. I prayed that God would whisper this precious one's destiny into my womb. I know that HE will. My baby, my third baby, will be here before I know it and everyday I fall more and more in love with he or she. Oh how I love this baby!

In a few minutes I am off for a date. That's right I have a date with someone other than my husband, my son. We are going to the Library, just the two of us. Then at noon we are all going to the water park in our city. This is the last week they are open and we want to go one last time as a family. Next Summer we will have three kids to take! Wow! I just wanted to share with you stories about my kids. They truly are the loves of my life and they make me so happy. I love being a stay at home mom. This is the best job ever! I am so thankful that the Lord has given me this life, for I am truly blessed beyond measure.

Oh how I love those kids!

This Day I Do

Continued from The Beginning

As I drove to the Bible Study, I began to realize that I was distracted. Just a few days ago I was a young woman only interested in focusing on God. There was no way I was going to get caught up in falling for another guy. This was a time of healing for me, a time to be alone, just me and God. Now I am driving to a Bible study with a fast beating heart and butterflies in my stomach because this guy I met at church. I was frustrated with myself. How could I be distracted so easily, so soon! But a lot had happened on Sunday and the Lord had revealed a lot to me so how could I NOT be distracted. Could this guy be the husband I have prayed for?

Pulling into his apartments, I was surprised at how close I had lived to him. Come to find out we had lived within two miles from each other for a couple of years! We had shopped at the same grocery store, ate at the same restaurants, sat at the same red lights while waiting in traffic. When I got to the front door, I was shaking. From the time I left my house until I got home from the Bible Study, I was constantly conversing with the Lord. "Okay, God I know I heard you say that my husband was behind me on Sunday and this guy that has the Bible study at his house was sitting behind me! If I am confused or getting excited over something that is not real, you will have to take care of my mind NOW! I am already analyzing everything. I am already picturing myself with this guy and this does not seem normal! I feel like I am truly loosing my mind!" Excited, yet scared, I knocked on the door to his apartment. He answered. I think we said hi and then I instantly focused on showing myself friendly to others at the study. I was not about to act interested! The Bible Study began. Jeremy was the host and he was also apprenticing to be a leader. He did not teach that night and that's probably a good thing! I can't even begin to tell you what the study was on because I was totally taken by Jeremy. Of course I did not make it obvious but I looked at him a lot. The room was full of other girls and some were quite attractive. My mind was telling me, "He must have a girlfriend. He is not going to date you. Your hair is too short. I bet he likes long hair! Look at how great his apartment is decorated! This means one thing, a girl helped him decorate. A girlfriend!"

With my mind going absolutely crazy, I started to pray. "Lord, what are you doing? I have been walking so closely beside you. How could I possibly get so sidetracked so easily? If this is not the guy, then he will have a girlfriend and he will say something or do something to totally change my mind. If I am not supposed to be attracted to him then you better bring someone else along because I am totally, 100% gone! I don't even know him and I am falling for him. Lord, if this is HIM then he is going to fall for ME! He is going to come after ME! He is going to pursue ME! I will have no doubts that he is the one, IF he is the one!" The thing that made this so difficult was the fact that I did not know him, yet I was already crazy about him. This was not normal. All the single woman books I had read did not talk about this. I was supposed to be a Lady In Waiting! Or what about what Elisabeth Elliott teaches in Passion and Purity?! HA! Those books were out the door! Forget that! The Lady in Waiting book would have told me I was crazy. But something supernatural was happening and I couldn't control it. My thoughts kept taking me back to Sunday and all that had happened. My mind was telling me that I was crazy, while my heart was telling me that God was up to something. Jeremy was very quiet through out the Bible Study. I don't think he said too much. It was time for prayer requests and an older, single woman there decided to share a praise. (This woman is now Jeremy's sister's motherinlaw) She began to share a praise about her fence being replaced. "I just want to thank God for Jeremy. He came to my house and replaced my entire fence. He is such a servant and God used him to bless me. Thank you Jeremy." So now I am in love even more! He's a servant and he's a MANLY MAN! Wow!

The Bible Study ended and an announcement was made that there would be a single's Valentine's party on Saturday night. By Friday night I had lost the invitation but I still had the map to Jeremy's apartment for Bible Study along with his phone number. Jeremy still does not believe that I lost the invitation but I really did. Another thing God planned! I did not know anyone at the church, I had Jeremy's number so I called him on Friday night to get directions to the party. He was home! I began to think that maybe he did not have a girlfriend or maybe she was there when I called! He gave me directions to the party and then invited me to go country dancing with him, his sister and her fiance and a few others. Of course I calmly accepted the offer to go dancing. After hanging up the phone it was like I heard the Lord speaking to me again in a comical way. "Do you still think he has a girlfriend? Have you figured it out yet? He doesn't."

So let's skip ahead. Two weeks later Jeremy and I are laying on his couch. It was a very sweet, appropriate moment. We were just talking. By this time he had called me, taken me out and instantly after the Valentine's party/country dancing night, we were a couple. There was nothing to figure out, nothing to wonder about, I knew he liked me. I journaled every single night and quickly figured out that the husband I had been writing to was Jeremy. This was different, this was unlike any other dating experience I had ever had. This was it and I KNEW it! Earlier in the day I had shared with a friend that I loved Jeremy. "I know it sounds absurd. I know it sounds insane that I could love someone so quick. I know that I don't really know him but I know that he is the one I am supposed to love. So, I love him." As Jeremy and I laid on the couch talking he suddenly sat up and said there was something he felt he needed to say. "I need to tell you something but I am scared. I don't understand this because it's so fast." His voice got a little shaky, he grabbed both of my hands and said, "I love you Amanda. I know that I love you." We instantly embraced and held onto each other for a minute or so. I explained to him the conversation I had with my friend earlier in the day and told him that I loved him too.

Two months later, it was Easter weekend and I had been hired to sing at all the Easter services at a church in Keller. I had to sing at a Saturday night service but after it was over I met Jeremy at his parents house. It may not sound very romantic, but it was. He proposed that night in a very creative way. His mom got it all on video! The next morning I remember holding my microphone on stage for the first time with a ring on my finger. I must admit that I did hold that microphone with more joy than ever before!

We both agreed that we did not want a long engagement so we set the date for August 3rd, 2001. His mom and stepdad, my mom and stepdad and my dad were in full support so the Wedding planning began!

It wasn't always easy. Jeremy's younger sister did not approve, we did not get along at all. It was extremely difficult. It was so difficult that I came down with a severe case of adult acne and soon after had to be put on acutane. Still to this day when I get a pimple, I am terrified because I know how hard it was to go through adult acne while planning a wedding. Many things came along to test us. The enemy was not going down without a fight. God has supernaturally orchestrated this relationship and everything came against us at some point or another. Since I struggled so much with fear and since I had so much stuff to deal with from my past, I began to have panic attacks. I thought he would change his mind because of his sister or because of me. I just new that there was no way he could love me and I constantly fought against the fear of loosing him. Finally I had what I prayed for and I was so afraid it would be taken away. My fear never scared him, my problems never made him go away. No matter what I did, no matter how many times I called him in a panic, he loved me. God had given me a true picture here on earth of what HIS love looked like. He did it through Jeremy and still does to this day.

Today I am not as insecure, I trust him. Today his sister loves me too, I think. I love her. I really love her. I still deal with insecurity when it comes to her but it's not because of her. I sometimes let the past rule my thoughts. She is a Godly woman and she knows I am a Godly woman, we let that be the foundation. I wanted her to be the sister I never had, it did not turn out that way but I love her and my kids love her, they adore her. His sister was already engaged to be married in September. We came along and had a Wedding before them. We did not do it to cause pain or strife, it just happened that way. Jeremy and I prayed about everything and the Wedding date was a big thing we prayed about. When you meet, court and get married all in six months there are challenges but the Lord brought us through them. Some did not support us, some did not understand. Some said we were rushing it, some even said that we would not make it because we went too fast. That was so painful for me, so painful. I still don't even like to think about it. But today is our five year Wedding Anniversary and I just want to say, look at us now! In just a couple of hours I will go pick up our three and a half year old son from my Mom. Our one and a half year old daughter is looking at books right now as she listens to bible stories on cd and inside my belly is a baby that we can't wait to meet this coming January. In a few weeks we will know if it's a boy or a girl!

It's been a tough five years at times but it has also been an amazing five years. I am married to my best friend and there is no one else better for me than him. God gave me things in Jeremy that I did not even know I needed. He loves me more than anyone has ever loved me. He is an amazing father and he can do ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING he wants with his hands. He can build anything, fix anything, create anything, he can do anything and everything. He's a man's man and he is my man. But more than that, he is God's man. Every night I watch him lay in bed and read his bible for thirty minutes, I listen to him give counsel on the phone to hurting friends and I see him raise his hands in worship. He loves God and he longs to serve Him. That's what I love most about him. When I am up on a stage singing a song, I know he is in the audience praying I hit every note. In fact, I know he is probably more nervous than I am. He brags on my cooking and not just to me, to everyone. He takes me fishing and tells me that he would rather go with me than one of the guys and I actually believe that! He laughs at my jokes, he always holds my hand and he smiles at me constantly. I pray constantly that I can make him as happy as he has made me. Oh how I love him. I wrote a song to him that I sang on our Wedding Day. The last line of the chorus said, "I never thought this dream would come true, but this day I do." That was truly how I felt. The Lord gave me something that I really thought would never happen. I did not think it was possible and on August 3rd, 2001, I realize that God had answered my prayers in such a supernatural, incredible way. There is no way I can ever doubt that we were meant to be. I never knew how wonderful my life with Jeremy would be but This Day I Do. God does the impossible, God does things that we would never do. God does things to show others how much he truly loves us. That's what our marriage is about! It's a testimony of God's amazing love and supernatural ways. He did it all! Thank you Lord for my husband!

Happy 5 year Anniversary Babe. You just called me to tell me you couldn't wait for our date tonight. That made me smile! You have made all my dreams come true. When I pray for Josiah I pray that he will grow up to be a man exactly like you. When I pray for Ava Beth I pray that she will find a man that will love her like you love her Mommy and like you love her. You take care of us and you love us with everything you have. I am so proud to stand next to you. Of course your looks had me from the beginning but now it's so much more. But I will say that I love having a man like you who also happens to be so goodlooking. You're hot babe! You are hot! It's only been five years and look how much God has blessed us! Can you imagine all the blessings to come? I love you my friend and husband. Thank you for bringing about so much healing to my life. You were the healing balm I needed. I am the luckiest, most blessed woman I know because I have you.

This Day I Do

Please allow me to show off pictures from one of the greatest moments of my life!

The Beginning

I had finally reached a point where I really was not looking to date anyone. A three year relationship had ended just months before and the last year of that relationship had totally beaten me down. My self esteem was gone and I really felt that there was not a guy out there that would love me as much as I loved him. So I gave up. A month prior to visiting this church, I had prayed a very sincere prayer. It was January 1st, 2001, a night I will never forget as long as I live. I was lonely, afraid and had a horrible sense of not feeling loved. I lived alone in an apartment in Irving, Texas (Las Colinas) so of course on that New Years Day evening, I was by myself. After my great grandmother died, I inherited a beautiful wingback chair and I sat in that chair when I would read my Bible. But that night I decided to kneel at that chair instead of sit. It was a moment with God that really changed my life. I envisioned Jesus sitting in that chair and me kneeling at His feet with my head in his lap. The brokenness allowed me to feel the presence of the Holy Spirit. The pain I was feeling had been building up for years and years. Finally it all came to surface and I talked to Jesus as my Savior. I shared my heart and all that was in it. While doing so I missed having a Dad. I missed having a Father that would stroke my hair and tell me that everything was going to be okay. So that night, I laid my head in that chair and envisioned Jesus telling me that He would take care of me. As He stroked my hair, I knew everything would be alright. I journaled that night and I wrote what I felt like the Holy Spirit had revealed to me. "Today is the beginning of a brand new season for you. There is healing you have yet to experience but now it's time. Allow me to love you like you have never been loved. Allow me to heal that precious little girl. Allow me to give you all that you have ever dreamt of. The plan I have for you is like nothing you ever imagined. Now it's time to rest. Rest in my arms while I change everything." I always know when the Lord has spoken to me because I can find scripture in His word that goes with what He has revealed to my spirit. After a couple of hours of praying and journaling, the last thing I prayed and also wrote in my journal was this. "Lord, I do not want to date anymore. I am almost twenty-five years old and I know that I want to be married. I don't know when that time will come but as I focus on you, please do not allow me to become distracted by dating. The only man I am interested in is my husband. Until you are ready to bring him into my life, protect me from dating anyone else. "

Walking into a new church that day, I had on idea that I would meet someone that would change my life forever. I new I needed to find a new church and I new that I wanted to experience God in a whole new way. But I had no idea that all I needed, all that I had ever prayed for would be inside that church. My prayer time with the Lord had become powerful. I was experiencing God in amazing ways. He was revealing himself to me in ways I had never experienced. Even now when I am feeling disconnected, I go back to that time and try to figure out what I was doing that caused me to walk so closely to Him. It's really simple. I was chasing Him. I was doing everything I knew to serve Him and honor Him. I was truly falling in love with my Lord. I was saved when I was five years old and I have never had a time in my life when I walked away from Him. But there are distinct times in my life that made for huge spiritual markers. This was one of those times. I was on a mission and no one was going to get in my way.

After that night on January 1st, I journaled constantly. In the midst of writing in one particular journal, I felt like the Lord was showing me that I needed to buy a new journal and hold on to it. So one night in Wal Mart, I picked up a little spiral notebook and carried it in my purse. I was still unsure what I was supposed to do with the journal because I already had one that I was currently writing in. A few days after buying it, I was driving in my car praying. It was then that I heard the spirit of the Lord say, "Write to your husband. Write about this time in your life. Write what I am doing in your life. Be faithful to writing. Share your worries, your fears, your dreams, your desires. Share your heart." Back then I did not tell anyone about the things that the Lord was revealing to me. I was afraid to say things like, "The Lord told me to do this or I heard the Lord telling me.." But now, I can write and say these things with boldness. We all experience God differently and while some have a hard time understanding that the Lord can actually speak to us, I know that He has spoken to me. Through the years I have learned when it's Him and what He's saying.

So I began writing to my husband on January 31st. On February 11th, just a few days later, I met Jeremy. My Mom and Step-Dad (I hate using the word step but I have to for all of you because I have written about my real dad a lot) were in town from Houston and decided to go to church with me. The church I was visiting was actually the church that my Mom had grown up in. For all of you Christian Music lovers out there, the Pastor of this church was Dan Dean from Phillips, Craig and Dean. His wife was my Mom's best friend growing up so that was kind of the reason I had decided to visit. I had heard the music was incredible so I was excited to visit. When my parents and I walked through the door, we sat down in a pew. In fact, this pew was a pew pre-destined for ME. There are many more details to this story but the most important detail to share was who was sitting behind me. It was Jeremy. He was smiling, of course. He always has a smile on his face. People comment to me all the time how Jeremy always has a smile on his face. It's a contagious smile and one that I was not about to forget.

(I did not know Jeremy in this picture. This is the church where we met. Also this is the church where he was saved before I knew him. This is my favorite picture of Jeremy's smile because even as he was coming out of the water from baptism, he was smiling. That is the true Jeremy, always smiling.)

Pastor Dan preached a sermon about how we need replenishers in our life. He said that we all need people to come into our lives that will replenish us instead of draining us. His focus was Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 . I have a mark in bible on those verses with the date February 11th, 2001. While I was listening to his message, it was another moment when I heard the spirit of the Lord speak to me, "Your husband is behind you." Right away I felt like maybe I was crazy. Many thoughts were racing inside my head. " Why on earth would God bring my husband to me so fast? Wasn't I going to have to wait and learn something else? Surely after praying that prayer on January 1st, my prayer would not be answered so soon. Or did God really mean that my husband was behind me physically?? Or did he mean my husband was in my past, an old boyfriend that would come back into my life? Could it mean that gorgeous guy sitting behind me with that wonderful smile? There's no way that guy would like me! He's too cute!" Seriously, that's the exact though pattern that went through my head. After the service was over, my parents wanted to go down and say hi to Pastor Dan and his wife. While it was a reunion for my Mom, it was a tough day for me but exciting too. The message was powerful, the guy behind me was really goodlooking and I was still thrown off by what I felt like the Lord had revealed to me. And then, it got better.

Pastor Dan asked if he could pray for me. He said that while he was speaking during his message, the Lord showed him that the message he was giving was for me. Before that day I had never spoken to Dan Dean. He didn't even know my name and he really did not know anything about me or what I was currently going through. I was just in shock that the guy I had heard sing on the radio for many years was concerned with praying over me! Again, God revealed himself to me in a whole new way. Pastor Dan prayed for me and afterwards he looked at me and said these words. "Amanda, God has got something big for you. I don't know what it is but I feel it. I don't know what you have been praying for but He's getting ready to answer your prayer! You need a replenisher! I don't know if it's a friend you have been praying God would send you or a husband but this person is about to come into your life and love you like you have never humanly been loved. This person will bring about healing that you have needed. When it happens, BOTH of you will instantly know (then he snapped his fingers) that this is from God! So sit back and let God do it!" Okay, so now I am speechless and let me tell you I'm a believer too! God was definitely moving and I was excited!

Did I mention that the guy sitting behind me, Jeremy, overheard me talking to someone, realized I was single and invited me to his lifegroup that week? Again, an act of God because this guy, now my husband, is a very shy person. That was not like him at all. So my parents and I left and grabbed something quick to eat so they could head back to Houston. My Mom has a whole story of her own about that day. She knew Jeremy was the one but she did not tell me that day. That night I pulled out that journal I had been using and wrote to my husband. I was still doubtful, I was not convinced that the man I met that day was my husband. From his looks, I sure hoped he was. But, I just couldn't imagine the Lord answering my prayer for a husband so soon.

Tuesday night came, February 13th and I went to the Bible Study at Jeremy's apartment. And the story begins!

(Tomorrow is our five year Wedding Anniversary. Of course I will finish the story! I have been trying to post a picture to this but blogger is not letting me.)