I miss it!

It's been over a year. It's been way too long, way too long. Now it's starting to bother me, a lot! I would like to say that it has been easy. I would like to say that it hasn't really bothered me. I would like to say that the desire is not there anymore. But all of those would be lies so instead I will just say that I miss it! I miss singing.

Most of us have a hobby, a passion for something, a talent. Some of you play the piano, or play tennis. Maybe you scrapbook, or sew. Well, I am not crafty, I can't sew, I don't have the discipline or the want to for scrapbooking and even though I have a piano in my house, I can't play anything more than Do re mi! Oh and I would love to play tennis, it's on my list of things I want to do but now that I am pregnant with my third, I don't think that will be happening anytime soon. But one thing I can do, the one thing I am more than passionate about, something I do pretty much all day long, is SING. Oh how I miss it!

So I can sing in the car, sing in the shower, sing in the kitchen, sing to the kids, sing all the time. But, let's be real! I want to be heard! I want to be in a microphone singing to thousands of people. I may be a Mom of two and one more soon to come but I still have dreams! The past twelve months have been months full of transition so I have not had any opportunities to sing. Actually I did have one. I got to lead a group of women in Worship. It was just one night, it was only two songs, but it was wonderful. The thing about singing and singing is church is a hard thing. I am a performer and always have been. When family got together for Christmas or Thanksgiving, I was in front of them singing, dancing or doing something to get their attention. I loved it! Then School became a huge outlet for me because I had so many opportunities to be on stage. Singing in church is different. Church is not for performance, although I have sang a few secular songs in church for the sake of sermon illustrations, that was performance. You can't really sing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar and pray that your voice will draw others to HIM. But for the most part, singing in church is about ministry and I love that. I know God gave me a singing voice for that very purpose. But at the same time, I love to sing, I love to perform and I love to have an audience. I used to think that the Lord was calling me to lead worship, but right now I don't feel that. I used to think that I would travel all over the world evangelizing with music/speaking to women, but now I am not so sure. I used to dream of making a cd of my very own, I pray that I still do. And if I were young enough, and did not have kids, don't think I wouldn't try to be on American Idol or Nashville Star! I would!

Now my life is different and so is my audience. I may not be singing to thousands of people or even singing in a microphone but the car rides to the grocery store have become my concert hour. My three year old enjoys Kelly Clarkson, Martina McBride, Carrie Underwood and yes even Ashlee Simpson (Her range is perfect for me so don't give me too much grief)! So from time to time I struggle. Today, I struggle. I struggle in my prayer time with the Lord. I wrestle with my desires to sing and be a Mom. I wonder why God has me on the bench right now and why for so long. I even asked God the other day with a bit of sarcasm if he had forgotten that I sing! For now I sing to my babies and I know they love it. Just a few days ago while driving in the car with Josiah I decided to sing the National Anthem. (I know that sounds funny but I used to sing it in High School at all the Varsity Basketball games and I had just heard Martina McBride sing it acapella and I wanted to see if I could still do it!) So I sang it and sang it proudly and when I finished, my precious little boy said "Mommy, sing it again!" Of course I sang it again and then one more time and Josiah said, "Mommy, I am proud of you. You are a good singer." That was it! That was all it took! My three year old let me know that I can still sing!

Today I pray that the music inside of me will touch my kids. So far it looks like they adore music just like me! I pray that they will have the love and passion for it like I do. And I pray that someday I will have opportunities again and that God can use my voice and even my performance. I miss it, I really do.

(Oh and for any of you that are bothered that I only have secular music listed above, I do like to sing along to Plumb, ZoeGirl, Avalon, FFH, Sara Groves, and Point Of Grace! I will always love POG!)

One more thing. If you have itunes or Napster, listen to Sara Groves sing "Awakening." This song has really ministered to me this morning. I think all of us need song like this to sing.)