Monday, June 19, 2006

Trying

This morning I was really trying. Trying to have more energy, trying to not get nauseous, trying to not get overwhelmed with circumstances that we are facing with my husband's job, trying to not worry about bills, trying to not miss my friend Kelly Ann that is gone for the next week (she is my closest, nearby friend), and trying to be a good mom. Maybe if I get out a stack of books and read to the kids, I will feel better about me today and they will feel like I am doing my job. Dora, Diego, Thomas the Train and the Backyardigans are only temporary relief while I hang my head over the toilet and dry heave over and over again. My poor kids, I know they miss their Mommy and I miss her too.

So off I go with my reading. I even try a few different voice inflections for the character's in the book. Somehow I feel that this will keep my three and a half year old and one and a half year old occupied. As I read I thought about how funny it was that I actually read to Josiah while he was still in my tummy. I had so much time on my hands and all I could think about was that little baby growing inside of me. It was all about me and everyone taking care of me. Ahhhh. Now with this third baby I am carrying, all I can think about is how much longer it will be until nap time or how on earth I will fix the Pork Tenderloin that I thawed for dinner tonight without gagging at the sight of raw pork! Ugh!

Okay so back to the reading. Well Ava Beth screamed by the third page turn because I would not let her rip the book out of my hands and Josiah wasn't even interested at all. "Mommy, can I go get my Thomas the Train book? Mommy, can I play with my trains? Mommy, can I watch Thomas the Train?" It was then that I looked at both of my children and said, "Today I am trying to be a good, entertaining Mom and you don't care."

And then the craving began! No, not a food craving! A craving for affirmation, a craving to talk to a fellow Mommy that would help me find a peace of me. I knew just who to call, Courtney. A few months ago Courtney moved to Indiana. Before that, we were meeting at Grapevine Mills and spending as much time together as we could.Our kids loved each other and we were a perfect fit as friends. Even our husbands liked each other and had very similar personalities. At one time she was only two miles away and then we moved forty miles further and soon after that she moved a few thousand. But with both of us having nationwide long distance, we call each other often.I have shared with you before that she is the best cook I know and gives me all of her recipes. My husband thinks she is the best friend ever for that very reason! However, there is something much more wonderful about Courtney than her cooking. She makes me feel like I am a normal human being that struggles with things that are normal. Since she has two kids of her own that are pretty close to the same age as mine, she understands the insanity that goes on from time to time. So when I call and talk through my teeth to Josiah because he is being ugly or throwing a fit, I don't have to apologize to her.Or when she hears Ava Beth scream at the top of her lungs, she never thinks "She's got to get her kids under control." No because the next day I may talk to her while she is having the same kind of day. As we begin to talk I realize that I can tell her everything that I am feeling. From my kids to my marriage or anything else, I can tell her my real thoughts. So, I do. I don't know about you but when I am struggling, I tend to feel like a messed up teenager all over again. My self esteem is low, my choices I doubt and my emotions rule. I need reminding that I am a WOMAN now, a real Woman. And my sweet friend said it all. She helped me get back to that place in my mind and in my heart that let me know that I am a normal wife and mom facing normal circumstances. "Amanda, you can't fail. You have been through so much in your life to fail now. Look at what you have overcome.You are a good Mom and a good wife." Over and over again she told me how much I have helped her and explained to me that her children have the same bad days that my kids have. She told me that she would pray for me and pray for Jeremy. She knows we are facing tough circumstances right now with his job, his injury and our budget. She assured me that God would provide and you know what?I believed her. Thanks Courtney. Thank you so much. I love you my friend.

I am not a Mom that does crafts with my children, that's not who I am. I am not a Mom that does playgroups, I don't care for them. I abhor scrapbooking. I am horrible at writing things in the baby books and I am not sure if this third child will even have one! I am not a Mom that goes to the Library for reading time, maybe I should. But then I am reminded of what happened today when I tried to read to them. Right now with how I am feeling, all I can dream about is a Mother's Day out program. Oh but wait! I am the one keeping two extra kids twice a week so that another Mom can have a day out while I make extra money during our time of need! The point is, my home is not running like a well oiled machine right now. I'm not getting laundry done, my husband is and I am sure he is frustrated with seeing me lay around so much. Deep down he understands but with all that is going on in his life, I know it's hard. My love for cooking has really died down. I have always been anti-quick fix meals. You know like Hamburger Helper or Stouffer's Lasagna? Well, I bought a pre-made Lasagna this week. It's on tomorrow night's meal slot! And when I go to the grocery store again for next week, I will be buying Hamburger Helper I promise. Courtney reminded me today that I'm too hard on myself. I am not a Domestic Goddess and you will never hear me proclaim that I am. No way! But, I am a stay at home Mom and wife that adores my family. I am not even an Educated Stay at Home Mom. I didn't finish school and I have no desire to go back. I'm a horrible student and guess what? I'm still a pretty smart gal! Anyway, I know that I am doing exactly what God called me to do when I was fifteen years old. I knew this was my destiny, I knew it. Yep, I knew at fifteen that I wanted to be a wife and a stay at home Mom. My only other dream was to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader or a famous singer. Neither of those things happened! But I did become a wife/mom and I am so glad I did. I may not fit in with a lot of stay at home moms these days with my lack of craft and lack of desire to attend Mommy groups but I know with all of my heart that I love my job and deep down I know that I am a good Mommy and good wife. You just won't ever see me in a store called Recollections our Scrapbooking Outlet! Don't bother asking me to come to your cropping party! What the heck is that anyway?

So without a single crafty bone in my body, without a Degree to proclaim that I am an educated Mom, I press on to be the best Wife and Mom God created me to be. That is all I know how to be so I need to just quit trying and be.

(To my scrapbooking queens out there, you know I love you. You know I think you are amazing. You know that I will call you when I need ideas for Birthday party invitations. I long for your discipline and organizational skills!)

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amanda,
You are too sweet. It is conversations like today that truly make me miss Texas. I loved our Grapevine outings. You teach me so much. I credit you with where I am in my walk with God. While the move to Indiana has been a good one for our family and I have made new friends, You are one that can never be replaced. You would be surprised to hear how many times a week I start out a sentence to someone with "My friend, Amanda, from Texas......". You are a wonderful friend and inspiration to me. Thank you for being yourself and allowing me that same opportunity.
Love and miss you,
Courtney

Amanda said...

Courtney, I am sure I will talk to you tomorrow but I thought I would go ahead and acknowlegde your sweet comment. And like you, I start a lot of my sentences with "My friend, Courtney, who just moved to Indiana...". When someone compliments my cooking, it's usually one of your recipes! I love you, I miss you, I miss the girls so much! And I miss Kevin's laugh and grin when I tell him something funny or sarcastic. He always laughed at my jokes or my remarks.

Kellie said...

I can't believe how much alike you and I are. As I told someone else today. The two things I will never do is scrapbooking and beading. I think it is funny when I go to the park with the kids and am approched by a parent (mom or dad) who say we should have a play date scheduled for our kids. One stay-at-home dad even gave me his phone number 'cause our girls are the same age. Desperate house husband? Maybe. I do however love to creatively cook and I love to sew. I quilt and make clothing. It is just something I learned as a child. I also knew at a young age that I wanted to be a mom and wife. When my brother and sisters would run to the toy department I would be n housewares looking at dinner plate patterns and home decor stuff. I was like 8 or something. I used to dream that I had a fully functioning play house in the back yard that I could cook and sleep in all by myself. Kids have grand imaginations. I started some college and dropped out to get married and send him to school. I haven't gone back although he wants me to when the kids start school. I wouldn't really know what to do there. I am to comfortable doing the job I have right now. I am blabbing now so I will go. I have much studying to do. Love ya,
Kellie

Anonymous said...

You know I am starting to love the world of cooking, and no matter what i prefer the stouffers lasagna....it was what my mom raised us on and it will forever be my favorite! I had a panick day today, thinking to myself, how can i ever take care of someone else 24/7. i am terrified. For the rest of my life i will need to make sure that my baby brushed its teeth or took their bath. AUUHHHH!! And I'm taking 4 classes this summer 4 classes in the fall. I am stressing out. I cant imagine being preggers with a 3rd. I am not sure i am going to make it through the first one. I have only one thing to say , that I keep saying to myself. God will not give you anything that he doesnt think you can handle. So he must think you are pretty strong. Take pride in that and know that overcoming adversity is a strength that others see in you, that you need to see within yourself!
Cara~

Anonymous said...

Please ignore my spelling errors, I do not go back and reread before sending. Sorry :)

momteacherfriend said...

I have so been there! When I was pregnant it seemed to be that we survived by watching Playhouse Disney. Poor kid had not even really watched TV until I was pregnant. He got pretty aquainted fast. And processed foods...uh huh. Lived off a few in my day. I am not crafty, although I have really grown in this area. Probably because the kids. We try and do crafty stuff from time to time. Scarpbooking, I LOVE PICTURES, but I am dwindling on my desire to scrapbook. It is being overtaken by photo shows; slideshows to music that I can store on CD and watch like movies. Oh well. Although we tell ourselves HE'S all I need, I think HE knew that we needed a few girlfriends along the way as well. Many times we need to hear, your ok, your doing great, keep your head up, this too shall pass...women need other women.

Have fun BEing you!

Amanda said...

Sarah, I can't believe you said that about the pics on dvds to music. I have this awesome program on my computer that allows me to create movies with pictures and music. I made one for Ava Beth's one year Birthday party and I have to say it was amazing. I was so proud of myself and everyone was wanting me to make one for them. I am not crafty but I'm good with technology! I wish you lived closer!

momteacherfriend said...

I hear ya! I have been planting seed. I would love to meet you and the other ladies from this bible study. Be it a year or two I want to see it happen. I am pretty sure I could get Seeker and Kellie to join me in a trip south. There is already such a bond and it will only grow stronger as we continue. Sometimes when you share another glimpse of who you are I laugh because there are somemany things I can relate to. We are not cookie cutters...no...but there are many things we have in common.

As for the CD/DVD's they are my new favorite way to document pictures. Most every computer has Windows Movie Maker. If not in your start up of programs do a search and it should be there if you have windows. I bought a version before I realized we had this. It is good and can do different stuff. But I love the simplicity of Movie Maker. I like the way you put it...technolgy. This we can do.